P   C Alex Peters PC Alex Peters was confused and ahead of himself. After doing today’s work yesterday he now continued to do tomorrow’s work today. Or not as the case may be. He spent all day at work and all night writing about it in his diary (unclear link to diary entry). TUESDAY Having trouble sleeping lately - being awake hasn’t helped. This morning I find I have nothing worthwhile to do. This is nothing unusual as I’ve been on the police force for twelve years and I’ve only made the one arrest - that was on the wrong bloke. On the 21st April 1993 I arrested myself as the real suspect ran away. I had stopped him, forced a confession, got him into the car and it was only after I got the suspects name that I realised I’d put the handcuffs on myself by mistake. I couldn’t drive properly so I gave myself a parking offence instead.   But something was particularly wrong, the station were coping well considering around 40 thugs broke in last night and stole 400 staples. Mark was extracting his wisdom teeth with today’s paper. I drink my oversweet cup of coffee because I kept on forgetting how much sugar I’d put in it. Richardson collects the money for our lottery syndicate. Hope we win, we might make as much as Camelot that week. Contribute my pound then we are informed of a change at the top. A new Chief. We meet up with people and meet the new Chief. He is presented to us and as the door opens shades of light shade into the room. It was then we realised he was on fire. A fifteen minute delay as he rolls around on the floor then jumps into a lake. It catches fire. In the end they put it out by using a snortler with a hosepipe. ‘Sorry about the delay’ Chief says, brushing the ash off the sleeves of his coat. He gives us an introduction and asks an officer to marry him. He explains the forthcoming reforms for the recruitment of officers. Hear feint snoring in the background. Burrows was gone. ‘Er...why’s he sleeping?’ I asked gingerly. ‘He’s..er French and on siesta’ came the reply. Change my nationality and follow suit. FOOTNOTE: In the evening I divorced my wife. WEDNESDAY Slept rough last night. Bit of a problem cooking. Arrive late to work today as I got married again. Dunno who she is, all I know is I know nothing about her, but a friend of a friend reckons she’s a man. I arrived before walking into a door and pushing myself, as requested, into the new Chief’s office. ‘Hello’ he said holding out his hand. A notion that puzzled me as I’d never eaten one before. ‘Like a crisp?’ he asked, holding out the packet. I tried to eat a crisp but ended up eating one of his fingers. ‘Sorry’ I said, looking at my feet. ‘It’s alright I’ve got another 9 left’ he said before offering me a seat. I’d explained I’d just eaten and he understood. ‘Did you know, we’ve got no serious crime squad at the moment?’ he enquired. I struggled to commit my brain to a response. ‘Uh?’ I responded - all that brain power had paid off. ‘But what if someone commits a serious crime?’ asked the Chief. ‘Uh.......uh’  my brain power of a bootlace wurred and strained ‘But...what if someone committed a serious crime?’ I said. ‘You answered the question by repeating it, that’s very clever.’ pondered the Chief. ‘That’s the sort of  response that could get you promotion or a job dealing with complaints in a bank’. ‘Err...’ my brain churned and demanded a rise for the amount of work I’d put it through lately. ‘ err..why did you fire the serious crime squad?’ ‘They just weren’t serious enough’  the Chief explained ‘one of them cracked a joke.’ ‘I see’ said my eyes, my brain couldn’t catch up or see without them. ‘That and they had a sleep over in the filing cabinet. But...’ he continued ‘Without just repeating the question...what if someone was to commit a serious crime?’ ‘What if someone....’ I continued ‘er.....I’ll tell my friends not to do one.’ ‘Good’ said the Chief. ‘But it may not be enough’ ‘John gets around a bit’ I suggested. ‘Yes..we’d better tell him to spread the word...and Peters’. ‘I’m sure the criminal maternity will be shocked by this revelation’ ‘Criminals are a lower life form. That’s why they always get caught by us, the superior race. Sorry ..’ said the Chief ‘I’ve just been possessed by Hitler. Don’t you just hate it when that happens. Especially when Jewish people are at the same dinner party. The trouble it caused ’ . ‘Ummm’ said my brain, unable to say ‘Hmmmm’. The Chief looked out of the window. On the other side lay a piece of glass. It was double glazing. ‘Hmmmm’ I said ‘Hurrah! I didn’t REALISE I COULD DO THAT’ thought my brain, using unnecessary capital letters. ‘I want you to form the new serious crime squad.’ instructed the Chief . ‘I want it more serious than ever. Everything will be made out of grey and it will be dull, serious and boring. You will be in charge. So much as a snigger and they’re fired. We want no sense of humour at all’ ‘What?’ I asked ‘You want me to hire Germans?’ The Chief shuddered. ‘Actually... I might make it a silly crime squad.’ ‘So a silly crime..........what’s that?’ I asked. ‘You know.....’ said the Chief, clearly improvising... ‘Stuff like giraffes holding up lettuce, porkpies on pogosticks. The kind of surreal crimes that never get investigated... But this area has been neglected by the police over several years and I feel it’s my role to address this. Pump more time and resources into these areas from stuff we don’t need... murder investigations and the drug squad, although there’s rumours the two are connected.’ ‘Fine.....er...so Camels playing backgammon are more important than say...er...more traditional crimes such as arson and robbery’. ‘Them camels make me sick’ the Chief scorned ‘and those elves that are made out of liquish alsorts are responsible for 90 per cent of the crimes committed by people under 2 feet tall. I’m leading the policeforce in a new direction - and you’re my main man’ ‘Righto’ I said, the left side of my sued for rightist. ‘It’s a responsible position so get back to me on it’ said the Chief said before showing me the door, the varnish was quite tasty.  I must confess that the proposed promotion had come as a surprise. It was strange that the new Chief  did this when our department failed to perform at all in the recent league tables. There was a threat of us getting relegated but we won 3-0 as the Estonian criminals had forgotten to turn up. I remember being gutted as I’d put down for a score draw on the pools. THURSDAY News on my wife- he is a policeman. The hairy forums gave it away. Last night he had three children without my permission. They needed a lift to school but I dropped them off at the kennels by mistake. Then I dropped the dog to the zoo and enclosed myself in a compound full of bamboo before realising I wasn’t Ming Ming the giant Panda. This was before driving Ming Ming to school. My identity crisis was temporarily resolved when I decided I was me as I found myself the tallest in the class by a clear six feet. Ming Ming went largely unnoticed until she ate half of the school field. Try to rectify everything. At the zoo the zookeeper asks if I’m an ape that’s gone missing. Apparently he’s right rowdy and dangerous. The animals are getting tired of their treatment and plotting an uprising against mankind. I can’t help but think I’ve increased the animosity by running over a Zebra on the way out. I suspect my distorted recollection of early morning contain elements of truth as my explanation for arriving to work two hours late chewing some bamboo. ‘Sorry I’m late’ I explain ‘I thought I was a Panda.’ It might also provide explanation the Zebra on the front of the car - something which seriously reduced my field of vision while driving and made people walk along my bonnet at Zebra crossings. I explain to everyone that we are going to form a new squad, dealing with silly crimes. The squad were gobsmacked, especially Mark who was banging his head on the desk anyway. ‘Silly crimes...what do you mean?’ they asked. ‘The stuff that usually gets overlooked. Jaffa cakes playing cricket.’ ‘Cool!’ Mark replied. ‘You’d better go back and accept the promotion before they take a wicket’ I go back to the Chief’s office. He seemed more cautious than our last encounter. He kept his hands behind his back all the time and never offered me more crisps. I could see he was concerned about the state of his hands and the door seemed to have a new state of eat proof paint. ‘Welcome’ said the Chief ‘er....no handshake today please. Take a seat’. He instantly seemed to regret this generous offer. ‘It’s alright, I’m on a diet’ I explain as a river of relief flows from him.   ‘You just wet yourself?’ I asked. He looked at me gingerly. I continued. ‘I’d like to take you up on that promotion. Investigating silly crimes is an area underlooked in modern society and excluding the serious crimes is a brainwave’. ‘You can have the post, you creep’ said the Chief. ‘Have this fence as well’ Out of his wallet he produced a tiny fence, it looked like a five pound note. He ate it and tiny horses were free from their enclosure. They looked like pound coins next to the fence, but I know they were tiny horses. After wondering whether I’d put a national winner in the slot machine earlier the conversation broke into an informal one.  * ‘My marriage is going through a sticky patch at the moment’ I explained. ‘How’s yours?’ ‘Let me see...’ pondered the Chief ‘I’m married to ....Flynn at the moment.’ ‘Ah Sean’ I said ‘ I was married to him nearly three weeks ago, does a nice stew.’ ‘Did you know I’m having an affair?’ asked the Chief. ‘Really, with who?’ I asked ‘Mrs Johnson from catering’ came the reply.  ‘Mrs’ I yelled ‘Mrs! I had no idea that you were a poof!’   Expelled from the policeforce for a full 20 minutes for insulting an superior officer, I go outside. Outside’s a funny place, a bit like inside but more open. Fall asleep. Woke up once but it was all a dream. FOOTNOTE: At around 11 I’m finally awoken by the Chief who is initially apologetic for questioning his sexual preference. He explains he may have over reacted because he has been the victim in a crime. He was attacked at knife point by nasty skin heads who stole his handbag which had most of his make up in. He would have fought back but he might have broken a nail. This was distressing and effecting the amount of make up he puts on. After sharing a moment of neutral understanding he interrogates me as to why I let 20 or 30 violent criminals into the office who stole the department’s only stapler. The resulting argument is resolved when he glues a chair to my face. The effects of the solvents provide motivation to stay awake, the threat of further stationary related violence provides enough motivation to go home. *I don’t care about this story anymore. FRIDAY Did a dump before work today. It reduced my bodyweight considerably as it was the first one for a while. Arrive at work today to find everyone is on holiday but it turns out to be just a rumour. Everywhere I turn this morning I’m confronted with hideous childish laughter. I found that no one could take me seriously. After much shouting and confrontation on my part someone explained the problem. ‘Did you...do...a poo before work?’ The question was raised amongst overpowering waves of childish laughter. Once the message had been communicated I looked down to find the source of sniggers and childish laughter which had been in a 30 foot radius of me all morning. ‘If my financial position depended on how active my memory was then I’d be 15 million pounds in debt’ I thought as I finally pulled up my trousers from around my ankles. I realised that they must have been like that all morning before vowing never to sit in my car again. I then delivered a harsh speech that made unpleasant noises at the rest of the squad. With hindsight this might have been a reason why no one dared to point out the chair that had been stuck on my forehead since my meeting with the Chief. The activities of the newly formed silly crime squad seemed on the whole strangely familiar. ‘Did you know I always wanted to be a dentist?’ Mark asked as he continued to hack away at his mouth armed with a copy of our financial statement. We waited around for people to report silly crimes. The phone rang. After remembering what it meant I pick it up. A voice speaks to me. ‘Hello, I’d like to report a crime’ it says. ‘A crime, what’s that?’ I asked. ‘You know, when someone’s broken the law’ the helpful voice replied. Grab some pencil and a paper. ‘I’ll have to remember that for future use’ I think. ‘There was robbery days ago. He stole £50,000 from a building society and went to see his Auntie - and the truth is - it’s someone inside the station’ ‘Hang on’ I said suspicously  ‘did he do anything silly?’ ‘Well’ said the voice thinking hard ‘He was armed with a clay pidgin and recited MacBeth in the middle of the robbery. Silly enough?’ ‘No’ I say firmly ‘We would have considered it if he’d been dressed as a goat. Thank you.’ I  put the phone down and report my feedback to the squad. ‘Too sensible’ I say. There’s signs of relief all round. Nothing much happened that afternoon. Jenkinson managed to get his head stuck firmly down the toilet after getting his ends mixed up. The rest of the squad were helping him out while I sit in the office. The phone rang again. ‘Jaffa cakes playing cricket on Finham park’ said the informant ‘a rich tea biscuit’s keeping wicket.It has to be a crime’.  I grabbed my coat and darted into the room where the rest of the squad was sitting down. Then I stopped and paused, I’d forgotten something that I’m sure tied into my job somehow. ‘Does anyone know what a crime is?’ I asked. Blank faces didn’t answer but the blackened face of Jenkinson did. ‘Is it when someone’s done something naughty?’ he asked. ‘That’s it!’ I said ‘someone’s rung me up about one.’ ‘When can we do it?’ said the shifty character in the corner getting the wrong idea. ‘No’ I explained slowly ‘We are the police. It’s our job to stop them’ ‘Shit!’ said the criminal in the corner before running away. ‘Reckon he’s a criminal?’ Brian asks ‘I don’t know’ I say implementing my indecisive authority on the group. ‘It might be a ploy to get us to do some exercise. I’m not needlessly burning calories.’ No one was listening. They had long gone. I followed them in a hurried dash around the station. I caught up with them in the corridor outside the Chief’s office. A few moments past as we pondered a plan. We decided to knock and go in. After a debate as to which order we should carry out the two elements of the plan and the nature of the knock we have an argument and a fight. After charging each other with assault we decide to go in. Once in we go back outside and knock. The office was seemingly empty. ‘Chief?’ we asked. ‘Yes’ said a voice of someone hiding beside the desk. ‘Nothing. We’re chasing a suspect around here. You haven’t seen him have you?’ ‘What did he look like?’ asked the Chief, out of breath. ‘A criminal’ Whelan deduced ‘He kind of had two eyes, a nose and mouth.’ ‘Well let me see’ pondered the Chief ‘It rings a distant bell. I’m sure I remember him from somewhere.’ ‘He had some legs’ Whelan added ‘They got him around.’ ‘Now I’m starting to remember something’ the Chief mumbled, stuffing his face. ‘What you say....2 eyes, one mouth, 2 legs, just the one nose.... he might have been human.’ ‘Really?’ asked Whelan as three dogs were released from custody. SATURDAY - Several silly crimes were solved today. We finally head down the allotment - arresting all the vegetables. There’s a pizza behind the whole show. We celebrate the solved crimes with a massive feast. Then we catch a mattress who’s lying down on the job. At the end of it we’re completely shattered and get attacked by his mate, a quilt. We all fall asleep. (sorry everyone - that was terrible!) SUNDAY Another typical Sunday. Lie in, sleepwalk downstairs, eat breakfast not fully awake, laze all day before going to bed where I find I can’t get any sleep. FOOTNOTE: In the evening I killed my wife. MONDAY In the afternoon someone stole my bed. I was upset, I was in it. The ride to the kidnappers secret hide out bumpy and disrupted my sleep, although the blindfold made me The reovery operation was really loud and the crackling of gunfire made me wet my bed. After being laughed at most of the afternoon by my kidnappers mocking the colour of my pjamas and my choice of teddy I retire to the police station for a press conference. I intended the event and went back to my silly department. Mark was happily gouging out his teeth with a copy of the Guardian. The stench of Brian floating through the airwaves. The Chief bursts into the room, clutching a paper. ‘What’s the meaning of this?’ he yelled, stomping around the room. He threw the paper at me. I unfolded it from it’s crumpled heap, straightening out the creases. I looked and gasped. My jaw dropped to the floor, Richardson picked it up. The front page sent my mind spiralling in gloom. Every letter a jagged pain in my soul. My life flashed before me, I snap out of this plain as I suppose I’d better read the bloody paper. The headline stared at me. ‘Jaffer cakes win cricket match’ it says. ‘Is that all?’ I ask. ‘Is..is..that all? yelled the Chief. ‘What do you mean is that all?’ ‘I meant.........is that all?’ An awkward silence decended on the room. One officer fell out of the filing cabinet where he’s been hibernating since winter. ‘How long have you been living there?’ asked the angry Chief. ‘I’m only stopping here until my wardrobe is fixed’ protested Ndlovu ‘That’s OK...No! I won’t have you sleeping in there. It’s cold and you might mess up the police records.’ and, his attack turned to all of us ‘I don’t wanna catch you in the wash basket again’ ‘No it’s not all....’ the Chief said turning to me, the anger burning in his eyes ‘Your wore pink supermario style pyamas to the press conference this morning.’ ‘There’s nothing wrong mith my pyamas’ I protest ‘Anyhow...I’d just got up’. ‘But all of you were! And wasn’t it one of you that failed that really easy test where you got marks for writing your name?’ ‘What if you spelt it wrong?’ I asked, worried. ‘Oh...you’d have to be a complete idiot to do that!’ There was an outburst of tears as Stevonok Efterstuck folded in shame. ‘You’re all fired. You wore pink super mario PJs to a national press conference ’ ‘They’re better than sonic the hedgehog’ I said.  The Chief let off an almighty scream. His head rocked back and people shuddered from the impact. Mark slipped and decapped a molar by mistake. Silence decended once more - a silence which no one dared break. Moments rushed past, never to be repeated. Seconds turned into minutes then minutes turned into boredom. The Chief looked at us and we looked at each other, the stench of guilt hanging in the air. We looked around, then the Chief then spared some attention towards the naked female running through the station. ‘Stop!’ cried the Chief and the situation froze, much to the annoyence of the film crew around the corner ‘What’s your name?’ ‘Frank’ she said, lying. ‘What you doing poncing around the corridors of the police station with no clothes on?’ She took a deep breath and spoke. ‘I’m executing an informal protest designed to enhance a masterplan that could raise awareness of the creulty of modern society by distregarding symbols of imprisonment and letting the humble body remind people that we are unique and should not be uniformed into elements or classes.’ There was a long pause. The Chief considered his moral and social values for a while before delivering a manly conclusion. ‘Well I don’t care’ he concluded ‘So long as I get a good perve!’ He waited for a reaction. ‘I wondered why you took so long to think about it’ sighed the officer, her bits flapping around ‘I’ll carry on so long as you don’t fire me’. The Chief agreed and waved her on with her popular exercise. Mark gave him an offer he could easily refuse. ‘If we were to streak around would you give us our old jobs back?’ The Chief mumbled to himself then reluctantly re-hired us. FOOTNOTE:Got fired again. A COUPLE OF WEEKS LATER Lately I haven’t been looking after myself to my full ability. I decide washing is the solution, a radical solution. I wanted to dispense with my beard but ended up shaving my eyebrows off. I empty a can of deodorant over my body and find for the first time in weeks someone talks to me. ‘Binman’s late today’ a passer-by remarks not recognising my new image. I had been concerned with the latest traffic accidents so was wearing a luminous jacket. This was lost on my new husband who said I looked like I went around mugging lollipop ladies. Go to work even though I haven’t got a job. Wish I was employed again as I find out no one is doing any work. This is because the force is being featured on a TV programme. Knowing that it was called the ‘clothes show’ the Swedish officers went out of their way to wear some. I was wearing a bin bag, army trousers and a luminous jacket. Soon I am cast away to hide in the filing cabinet with rest of the fashion victims.    Inside we hid. I suggested hiding outside and getting the people we were hiding from to go inside. It was dark as we listened to the muffled activities outside. The noise of bossy photographers, troubled designers and camera people being overcome by an annoying theme tune. The force of the media bared it’s grunt on the squad. I overheard interesting discourse. Brian was having trouble with the costume the production crew had provided. He wasn’t used to wearing clothes, it was a foreign concept. He normally escaped wearing clothes due to his mass of external body hair. It was a few minutes later that they discovered Brian was a gorilla.    All of a sudden it all fitted into place. We wondered why he’d celebrated his new job by hitting his chest and swinging from the lightshade. There were also reports of someone seeing him going to the grocers and stealing half a ton of bananas armed with his BO. From within the cabinet the feint activities faded and finally ceased. Unfortunately our Chief had failed to tell us our hiding place else we would have skipped the beans for breakfast. I was elected to open the lid on it all. I take a look around and the office is empty. ‘The policeforce has been kidnapped by the clothes show’ I concluded. ‘I’ll never forget to pay my licence fee again’. A thought struck me, so I hit it back. The retaliation sparked off an aggressive movement in my head. To quell the uprising I bang my head on the desk. My thoughts reacted with this counter offensive and more headbanging followed. Never try that with a chair glued to your face.     Epilogue ‘You’re making no sense’ said Alex. ‘It’s the final monologue, do you want this story to end, or what?’ ‘Yes’ said Alex. It did. h. past a building society with the £50,000 Fifteen minutes later they found themselves in the building society, hoping to place it in. An almost fully recovered Mark was recovering from a bid to fully recover. ‘Is everything OK?’ I asked him. ‘I’m fine.....fine..’ then his tongue finished probing his mouth. ‘Noooo!’ he screamed as he sunk to his knees. ‘My wisdom teeth! They’ve gone!’ ‘You’ve been trying to get rid of them for years’ someone pointed out. ‘But I’ve been enjoying trying. It’s been my pasttime since I joined the force. Now I have nothing to do. I need a challenge in life.’ ‘Why don’t you try extracting an internal organ or something?’ ‘Please God. Save me from myself’ cried a woman ‘No’ said Alex. A pretty strange ending but it’s ended and that’s the main thing.