Script analysis The script could work as a number of beings, it could possibly be adapted to a children’s television programme, an X-file or outer limits experience, or a comedy. At the moment it doesn’t seem to be focused on which of these it will turn into. It’s not quite serious or belivable enough for conventional sci-fi, funny enough for a comedy and there’s swearing in it, so it isn’t ready to be a childrens television programme. It could possibly exist on it’t own, but it wouldn’t readily slot into a specific target market or particular genre. For the purposes of examination and suggestions I have banded them into these three brackets. Childrens TV programme overview: The product has classic ingredients that could be arranged at a young target market. The overpowering and unfair parentage, mystical ‘cleaners’ (which could be exploited more and turned into an gremlin or fraggle rock type creatures) and, key to all this a young hero which can be identified with. As a childrens programme it would be worth lowering the age of Nicky, possibly to school rather than university age level. Professor Howey could be a science teacher, Jon the evil headmaster with a hidden masterplan. This would mean toning down the triclo 7 subplot as expecting youngsters to understand the effects of cancer and brainwashing. Of course, aiming at this target market would require the deletion of all swearing. Perhaps ‘the cleaners’ could be an overused homework excuse that actually comes true, perhaps. One key element of aiming at children is that the main child, Nicky would be related to by the key audience in her struggle against her Dad.  This is just a general idea of switching some of the key componets to be more readily compatable with a younger target market. It could still work in a university setting. There would have to be a lot of changes, altering the product significantly. Comedy : The route to comedy is obvious. Find ways of making it funny. X files episode: For the script to operate effectivly as an episode of the X-files or similar drama, the script would need to be more belivable and dark. The premis is compatable in this sense that belief is bridging the gaps of knowedge. Things do disapear, governments do hide things from the people who elected them. However a note of caution as the theory of cleaners is hard to believe. While it links into reality in the sense that household items do regualry disapear, the jump from this temperal anomoly to beliveing in the existance in tiny paranormal/ fantasy like figures suggests that the script might require some quirky ingredient. Not taking itself deadly seriously. In general terms the product would have transform considerably to fit in with the established sci-fi genre. Queries and suggestions : How did Nicky come to the conclusion of the cleaners? The cleaners are a pretty drastic and wild theory to explain the disapearence of household objects, so an idea of how Nicky came to this conclusion is worth a little think about. Here’s some suggestions of ways you could go about this approach, considering the different directions the script could take. Childrens TV/comedy : One devise I can suggest is a mysterious old woman who roams the streets, spouting off wild (and generally true) theories about the life and the government etc. As the mysterious woman character is strange, then it seems more feasible for her to come up with the idea than a pretty together student. If this element is to be included then one way of ending the script would be for government officials to leap out of a car and finally shut her up. Sellotaping up her oral capcities. Or her Dad left a file in the loo or something. If the cleaners are in some way obstructing the Triclo seven project (possibly by making important elements disapear), then Jon could feasibly have a file on it, which is carelessly left around the house. If comedy was to be the focus of the script then this idea could be exploited further. Perhaps he could have written his password on a post-it note, or even grapheteed it on massive letters on the wall. He could just leave sensitive government documents on Triclo 7 around the house, or nuclear blueprints so he has something to read while on the toilet. X files approach : The obvious way of discovering the existence of the cleaners, if a more serious approach is to be installed in the script, is for Nicky to hack into a computer file, hidden deep in the pentagon. This would be a useful scene as it establishes Nickys computer prowess, deleting the need for the speech ‘my dad caught me hackin again’ etc. It might also be a good way to open the programme and hook the audience in, as it would be visually and narrrativly interesting. Hacking : This device could be used in all prospective versions of the script. Perhaps she could get called for her breakfast, the appeal of poptarts outweighing the draw of top class government information. This would say that hacking is more of a form of fun than a serious pursuit, giving us an insight into the character of Nicky. Whether such quirkiness has a place in a more serious version of the script, is a little decision to make. book? : A clichéd perhaps, approach of discovering the existence of the cleaners could be through some anchient book stumbled upon while researching something else. It’s another idea to consider if the process of discovery is to be included in the final version. Convincing people of the cleaners : If the suggestion that the cleaners are introduced is followed, featuring the lead up to the conclusion of there existence. There may also need to be an incident that convinces her of their existence, possibly a meeting or a cry for help. The most direct way of showing this is with the clear disapearence of an object. In the current set up profeser Howey is also convinced very easily for someone of a scientific mind. Here’s some suggestions of how Nicky could convince him. Childrens TV/ comedy: A simple line, perhaps explaing of a past instance in which Nicky was right, might be a useful device in convincing the professor. At first Howey could be unconvinced after the announcement of the cleaners, then Nicky might go ‘I was right about..... wasn’t I?’. This could also be an oppertunity to naturally introduce a subplot to the audience. Obviously if the comedy elemements of the script are to be emphasised then it is a good opportunity for a gag of some kind, by the concept being detatched from any form of reality. Hitler being a robot or whatever. This, coupled with the professor’s simple and thoughtless agreement could be combined to some degree of humourous effect. X-files view: To really convince the characters in a serious script there would have to be more compelling suggestions of their existence rather than a disappearing part of telescope. The pentagon file would give off convincing vibes, but it may be hard to convince the main characters of their existance if the script is placed in a more believable (i.e serious) context. Narrative (as stands) : In terms of narrative, the script could be more focused and tends to jump about from one part to the next. The basic plot has merit in certain areas, the relationship between the Mr Howey and Mary Jane being well established with, the reunition of the doctor with his loved wife a way of a happy ending. A little suggestion: As Triclo 7 can be used for great good, it might be better for this to exist in the hands of the good guys rather in the somewhat exclusive domain of the cleaners. Perhaps if the disk/tube/chemical substance was delivered to the realm of good guys ready to exploit it’s cancer fighting capacities, it might be a more satisfying tie up. In the event of ‘the returners’ (see wild suggestions below) being involved in the script then the vital information could be delivered to a cancer research programme.  Triclo 7: In the current draft the Tricolo 7 subplot seems to sit uncomfortably with the cleaners. They aren’t particually intertwind or related to each other, they don’t have to be. But this makes the narrative scewed. Plotlines included: Professor Howeys research into the paranormal gets mocked Nickys school project on the cleaners introduced Scene 19 the two people that are in Jons office Brief plot anomolies/ suggestions If it is Nickys project, why does Howey get so readily involved in it? One way around this would be for ‘the cleaners’ to link directly with Howeys on going, and underfunded, research. While it may be infeasible for the professor to be investigating the disapearence of household objects, it might be worth clearing up the fact that Professor Howey virtually takes over the project of one of his pupils. This would also eliminate the unconcluded mention of the research into the afterlife, currently apart from the other narrative strands. Perhaps the two could be more readily interwoven or more closely related. Why would the professor spend a day setting up his laboratory to look like his flat? It is an understandable in the sense that the cleaners appeared in his flat, but I suppose it would be easier to smuggle out the video cameras rather than moving his house to the laboratory. Tricolo 7 ‘Tricolo 7 works by isolating cancer cells and blowing them up seven times larger’. I’m not blessed with a detailed scientific knowledge, but would inflaming cancer cells by seven times mean the tuma is seven times bigger and much more dangerous to the individual in question. It also is a bit vague as to the devise used to brainwashing. Although we don’t want to be bombarded with specific fact, it is perhaps would benefit from a little enhancement from it’s current form. Computer programme? It just seems a little reality jump that a computer programme can manipulate people in such a way. Although it is entirley feasible that research data can be logged in the brain of a computer; when it’s mentioned they’re working on a gas version, it suggests some physical (rather than virtual) components are involved somewhere along the line. If it is, then surely there would be copies of it in other databases? Perhaps it’s so top secret there isn’t any others? Perhaps the computer could be programmed to dispurse the physical elements safely or it could be a guidence system that gets disabled. Although Pac-man virus is fine in principle if it ‘eats away at the information in any linked computer’ then if it’s on the Internet, there’s potentially problems! Like the next comment, it took unnatural depth of thought to reach this conclusion, but could easily be sidestepped by altering some of the properties of the computer virus.  If Triclo 7 can delete memories, would they use it to delete Professor Howeys knowedge of Triclo 7? No one will think of this, it takes a very detailed anaylsis to reach this level of conclusion. Perhaps I think too deeply. It can be elliminated, simply by tweeking the potential effects of the Triclo 7 virus in a minor way. Little suggestion: ‘You guys don’t get on, do you?’ This could be the introductory line to a series of flashbacks representing their relationship to date. A few snapshot images of Nicky as a child (possibly displaying her prompt technical abilty) and Jons attitude to her, (eg ignoring her and playing with testtubes and viruses.) What were Triclo 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6? Although in no way important the name of the controlling agent, in the event of, say a flashback sequence showing the relationship between Jon and Howey the development of the drug (including presumably 6 other versions) could be incorperated. An idea, anyway. The clocks: In the current draft passage of time is communicated through a series of clocks. These have both the time and date on them. Although a noble intention, perhaps this currently demands a bit too much from the audience. They are confronted with both date and time. While this may not seem the greatest burden placed on mankind the problem is remembering the date in relation to the previous encounter with the clocks. It may also be slightly infeasible, or at least unlikely for there to be so many scattered clocks around. Given the nature of the script where time isn’t that much of a concern, perhaps labelling all the scences mentioned isn’t that essential. If so then a simple caption may sufice in this role, removing the demands from the audience to remember precisely when they last saw the clocks. It might also be an idea to simply give Prof Howey a watch that he looks at at various intervals. That would provide a bit more consistancy and remove the need for clocks to be placed in various settings throughout the narrative. Dialogue: The main comment about the dialogue is there appears to be too much of it. The script would benefit from straying away from dialogue as it’s main source of information, exploiting the visual impact of the medium more readily. For example, rather than saying Nicky hacks into computers it would be more interesting to actually see this in progress. However the most preveiling situation where this is an issue is the Triclo 7 speech on page 23. This is quite demanding of the audiences audio attention and would really benefit from either complementary visuals or being assigned a sequence of explaination on it’s own. In general Specific examples: The dialogue that exists seems a little structured and unnatural at times. It’s always worth getting someone to read the dialogue to see it in a more objective light. Also it might be worth listening to the American accent and researching natural terminology. Science fact? Science fiction? The line ‘this is science fact not science fiction’ has it’s merits, but seems unnatural to be used as straight dialogue. It seems a shame to ditch a hook line like this, but it would have to be if the script is ‘X-filed up’ as it cannot pass as realistic dialogue. One way around this would be to have it as the slogan of the college. This, at least, introduces the line, making it feasibly floating around the subconcious of them rather than a foreign entity falling from above. Another possible approach might be to have it as a catchphrase of the institute. Perhaps Howey could say it in a lesson and the pupils join in (beligerly), giving the impression it is a well rehersed saying rather than spur of the moment poetry. This would mean rearranging the setting of part of the narrative to this location, as it seems infeasable to have an extra scene merely to introduce this saying. It’s only a suggestion and it may be really recommended if the script it to place emphasis on it’s quirky elements. Computers Sc 12 page 9. Jon saying ‘I didn’t get where I am by computers’ requires some form of alteration, as Nicky and the professor later hack into Jons computer. This could also affect the scene in the kitchen where Nickys use of computers is discussed in some capacity. Perhaps the concern for Nickys love of technology might stem from the tendancy to hack, rather than a looser, general fear. Grounded? Scene 14 page 13 Nicky goes ‘but my father can’t find out, he’d ground me for sure.’ Howey: Exactly, and me too I reckon. I would place this under review as it suggests Jon has the power to ground a member of staff who he doesn’t live with. There is potential for confusion. It could be turned into a joke of some kind, possibly. Fired? Scene 19 (page 21) Jon says ‘aint gonna be working here much longer’ when he admits earlier that Howey is a good teacher. There’s room for this to be taken as a form of contradiction as, surely his research doesn’t affect his teaching capacity or threaten his position. Bar? Scene 20. ‘I told you to meet me in the bar, god damn it’. They are in the bar. Although it’s obvious the line intends to say that Nicky shouldn’t have stayed and listened, there is the potential for confusion, meaning a slight rewording may be in order. Fired or quit? Scene 22. ‘Well it wasn’t so much getting fired really. It was more a case of wanting, and being asked to leave really’. There is potential for this to confuse people a little. Although it says he wanted to leave anyway (possibly due to moral issues) it could be worded in a little more sucint manor. Triclo 7: Past / present tense There is a little contractory of tenses in the following speech. ‘turned out so horrible. Thank God it’s not fully developed yet’. This is not an overpowering concern but, together with Howeys following speech ‘Triclo 7 is, or was, a drug..’ is worth considering if these details could mislead or distort the audiences perception at all.  Fatherhood competition? ‘He’s pissed with you because you became director first. Everything is a competition with him, even fatherhood’ The concept behind the line and it’s composition has merit. But I’d just like to point out that if fatherhood is a competition to him, the he might have got good at it. Dialogue suggestion: A little dialogue suggestion page 29 when they’re in the car ‘there’s no need for that language…oh fuck’ might be OK. It’s predictable, but if a gunshot hits the car in mid sentence that could work. Characters : Their relationship: We gather that the relationship between the three principle characters is thus. Nicky is Jons daughter, and Howeys employer. However Jon is also involved in, presumably, a high powered government agency that researches cancer and has the power to develop a brainwashing drug. Jon: Jon would be motivated souly by the fact that he was beaten to be principalship. Why would he want to relese a gas form of Triclo 7? Complete domination? Would this magically wipe out cancer? If Howeys a professor then why does he have to answer to a meeting on the start of Monday morning? It just seems a little strange the two meetings between Jon and Mr Howey just happen without explaination. If it was a tribunal to decide the research grant, for example . The fact that Jons involvement in high class agency prevents his daughter from being procecuted for hacking is quite good, but this implies that Jon has a lot of power. This works quite well as it implies his influence over his collegues and such. I’m a little confused about the technical relationship between Jon and Howey at the university. Obviously there conflict is at the centre of the story, but I find it hard to believe Jon is the only one he answers to. Childrens/comedy idea : An idea would be to introduce (possibly as a by-product of the drug experiments) an ‘evil drug’. Jon could have been exposed to this during his time, changing him from a charming man to an evil overlord. Lex luther and Dick Dasterdly could also have caught the disease. This would invite more of a comic book element to the script, completely out of tone with a dark vision. Nickys friends? Nicky seems like a confident human being. Apart from a tendency for computers which can have connotations of isolation, it seems a little strange that she appears to have no real friends. Although this may also help explain her exceptional computing abitily, perhaps a scene when Jon doesn’t allow her to see people? This is an angle that could be built upon depending on the requirement of extra sub-plots. If so, then perhaps her friend could have told her about the cleaners, linking to what I’ve said before. The cleaners motivation: The cleaners seem to just randomly take things without any real purpose. It’s fine to be a mystery on itself, but why do they do it? Here’s some suggestions - perhaps they think they’re doing us a favour. - a halvest situation when they live on keys - perhaps they’re trying to unlock the door to the afterlife, so borrow keys to see if they’ll fit - don’t say the motivation but mention it a couple of times. Perhaps with a cleaner saying ‘there is a good reason for doing this’. - it’s in their culture Although it can work as the basis of mystery it’s worth a think about.  Other (slightly wilder) ideas : The returners? As everyone who looses a household object will admit, it always turns up at a much later date in a completely random place. It’s an idea to possibly bring ‘the returners’ into the script as well. These are the people that bring stuff back, putting it in a really obvious place way after it is needed. If the cleaners were assigned a clear motivation, this would be after the usefulness has expired. If the childrens TV approach was sought as the main aim, these could be cheeky characters, returning things at awkward times. The cleaners themselves could be An allience with the tooth fairys? This is just a wild idea of mine, but perhaps there could be some kind of allience/ conflict between the cleaners and the tooth fairies. This would tie in as they have similar matter shifting capabilities. It could only really work if it becomes a childrens television programme, as such theories of late night tooth exchanges are only believed at a very early age. Great mysteries? If aiming for a high aged target audience it’s an idea to make reference to past mysteries that can be assigned to the cleaners. Triclo 7 victim? Especially for comedy uses, it’s just an idea to work in a victim of Triclo 7. A brainwashed individual who has been programmed by the government. Comedy potential in him being misprogammed in some mix-up to...I dunno...make bourbons or something. The humourous potential of this specific premis is quite impressive given. If humour is to be a more closely pursuied aim then it might be worth having this random character wander through scenes looking for Jon, his creator. It is in far flung terretory, but a suggestion all the same. Cleaners number 1 victim? One suggestion that would bear well (especially if this script was driven in a comedy direction) would be to have one character who is constantly hassled by the cleaners. Perhaps dubbed ‘the most forgetful man in the world’ he could be repeatedly victimised by them. They could steal his car, his house, his keys, his stereo walkman and his research on the cleaners! The obvious victim for this is Professor Howey himself, who is a naturally weaker character (easily domineered by Jon) and loosing things could be illustrative of this. There might have to be some explaination about why they lock onto him especially (near to discovering them) but it could work without this. Then, at the end, Howey could be reunited not only with his wife, but his old Volkswagan, fridge freezer, microwave, pens, lottery tickets and all the other stuff that vanished during the course of the script.  Complete nickpicking : In the current form the document is reasonable well layed out, following an fair appropriation of standard script format. The page numbers peter out very soon into the script, but here’s where I highlight those little spelling and punctuation mistakes that are so easily overlooked while engrossed in writing a document of this nature. Lack of question marks: sc 12 page ten how was your day nick? what time is it Mom? sc 13 page 11 god damn where are you? sc 19 page 19 do you think this is a joke? sc 21 page 22 perhaps a drink with that order sir? sc 22 page 23 so James, why did you get fired? sc 22 page 26 virus that will do what? and it would be a shame wouldn’t it? sc 23 page 27 so you’ve got the cards right? sc 24 page 28 can you do anything? and as easy as that. not bad, eh? Capital letters one of the waitresses at the bottom of page 22 isn’t in capital letters. At the bottom of page 24 there is a JAMES in capital letters when it’s in dialogue and shouldn’t be. There is also a capital missing at the start of the word Dad, a little further down. Simple (and easily overlooked) spelling faults: ‘Of course’: sc 10 / page 8 JAMES ‘yeah, of coarse,’ sc 16 page 15 ‘of coarse what happens today may have variables’ ‘hear/ here’: sc 22 page 24 ‘here’ should be ‘hear’ you don’t want to hear this ‘of/or?’ sc 24 page 29 ‘I said show me your hands of I’ll fire’ - might be altered to ‘I said show me your hands or I’ll fire’ It’s very easy to make these kind of mistakes, so don’t be too disheartened. Final thought : Many scenes can be pruned and many dialogue culls can be conducted throughout. There is no need for a drive in meal, meaning there is plenty of room to manoeve. I have total faith it will be a creditable contribution to the world.