hare


	The hare witch project MIDDAY NEWS TITLES recorded from TV. NEWSROOM - INTERIOR - DAY The newsroom setting is shoddy and obviously artificial. A thin piece of paper is attached to the wall behind a NEWSREADER, in the top right of the picture where they usually have a graphic. The A4 paper has on it simply the word ‘news’. NEWSREADER News just in. Dressing as animals is no longer fashionable. FRONTROOM - INTERIOR - DAY A man dressed as a weird kind of HARE and his adversary a large meandering creature, a crab or TORTOISE, whatever we can get hold of in costume terms, stop what they are doing and look up. NEWSROOM - INTERIOR - DAY NEWSREADER The fashion police have issued this statement. PRESS CONFERENCE - EXTERIOR - DAY FASHION POLICEMAN who’s wearing a blue policeman style hat and a dodgy outfit waves his truncheon and laughs. FASHION POLICEMAN Ah! You look like a bunch of wankers! FRONTROOM - INTERIOR - DAY HARE looks down at himself. HARE (genuinely shocked) My God, we do! NEWSROOM - INTERIOR - DAY NEWSREADER But don’t be alarmed general public...or start a panicking in a mass hysteria and running people over and so on. For this ordinary shop... We cutaway to SHOP - EXTERIOR - DAY and back. now has............some shirts. NEWSREADER said the word shirts as if it is new and alien thing. He produces a nicely folded example from under the table. NEWSREADER These ‘shirts’ are available right now. But I believe are in very short supply. FRONT ROOM - INTERIOR - DAY HARE Shirts eh?.....I’ll have all of them before you even get off your arse, fatty. HARE gets up and heads for the door. He turns back as he is about to leave, pausing to taunt TORTOISE before his exit. HARE I’m the king of fashion. You look stupid. This isn’t without a hint of irony considering HARE has big floppy cardboard ears and a bouncy tail. TORTOISE kind of mumbles to himself and tries to get up. He is a weighty man and struggles to grasp the arm of the seat he’s on. After exaggerated straining of the muscles he flops down in defeat. STREET - EXTERIOR - DAY HARE races along the road, looks behind him then starts to walk. General shots of his journey. He approaches a WITCH who is dressed in her traditional pointy hat and black coat. After little thought he steals her hat and runs in the opposite direction from where he came from. The WITCH taps her stick and disappears. Down the street we see HARE wearing the hat and stroking the comical green hair that is attached. The WITCH appears beside him and twats him with her broomstick. After a subtle beating the hat is placed on her head and she vanishes. HARE looks around a bit puzzled. He crosses the road and casually starts walking the way he was going. In the garden of a house we zoom in on a toffee crisp that is lying there. HARE lifts up his eyebrows in interest and walks towards the gate. On the gate there is a sign ‘Beware of the special effect’, it says. Hare looks at this warning for a moment before opening the gate and treading carefully up the path. Then, out of nowhere comes a superimposed white blob. HARE lets off a little whimper before running away down the street, the white blob in full pursuit. He runs through the streets and through town to the market or shop. RETAIL OUTLET - EXTERIOR - DAY HARE runs into the retail outlet, the post production special effect still hot on his heels. It waits outside. A moment later HARE returns with a aerosol can. He sprays it on himself. A close up shot of the can reveals the writing ‘special effect deterrent. (Effective on nine out of ten special effects).’ The special effect slides away. HARE is relieved and leans against the wall looking at the can. A pause before the sound of buzzing is heard. HARE looks up. A close shot of the can he’s holding. ‘Special effects deterrent’ it still says. He turns it over and on the other side are the words ‘attracts bees’. HARE drops the can and runs away. FRONTROOM - INTERIOR - DAY TORTOISE tries again to get out of his chair, his efforts fail. After much stress, strain and an almighty groan, he manages to move the seat an inch to the right. HOUSE - EXTERIOR - DAY HARE walks past a sign that says ‘Gorilla impersonating competition - top prize a toffee crisp’. HARE thinks about this for a split moment and goes up to the door. HOUSE - INTERIOR - DAY HARE impersonates a gorilla. Eating a banana and drinking PG tips. He makes monkey noises. HOUSE - EXTERIOR - DAY HARE walks out with his toffee crisp and continues on his route to the shop. He starts to yawn. GRASS VERGE - EXTERIOR - DAY HARE I’m so sleepy. I think I’m going to......sleep. HARE lies there on the grass. He yawns again. HARE Who knows, I might end up having an unnecessarily surreal dream. Fade to White. BLACK CAPTION : Unnecessarily surreal dream. ROOM - INTERIOR - DAY A MAN comes infront of the camera. Waving his hands around. The caption remains. A MAN I have hands, not leaves. A MAN turns his hands around, they’ve got leaves selotaped to them. A MAN I lied. ROOM - INTERIOR - DAY A picture of a tin of shaving foam. After an almighty pause a trainer falls on top of it. ROOM - INTERIOR - DAY WITCH is upside-down in the frame. WITCH Bloody gravity. ANOTHER STREET - EXTERIOR - DAY A pigeon is clucking away in it’s merry way. Someone throws a toilet roll at it. STREET - EXTERIOR - DAY A MAN WITH A TRAFFIC CONE ON HIS HEAD dives into a pile of rubbish. GRASS VERGE - EXTERIOR - DAY HARE rubs his eyes and gets up. STREET CORNER - EXTERIOR - DAY FASHION POLICEMAN yells blindly at the people across the road. PASSER-BY is about to walk past, as his name suggests. He’s wearing a top which has a collar. FASHION POLICEMAN Turn up that collar son, ya look a wanker. PASSER-BY instantly turns up his collar. FASHION POLICEMAN yells across the road. FASHION POLICEMAN You, over there. Pull up those trousers! SILLY MAN, who appears to have his trousers around his ankles, acknowledges the much needed fashion tip and rectifies the trouser situation. FASHION POLICEMAN (looking into the distance) What the hell? He looks over the road to see TORTOISE stumbling along with the chair still firmly in place. He manoeuvres himself sideways by lifting up the chair momentarily and placing it very slightly towards the his destination, giving off a groan upon every movement. FASHION POLICEMAN Catch the bus! CINEMA - EXTERIOR - DAY HARE starts to walk past the picture house then turns to look at what’s on. He stands momentarily still before shrugging his shoulders and going inside. CINEMA - INTERIOR - DAY The fake ears of the HARE are silhouetted against the silver screen in the middle of a showing of the latest blockbuster. CINEMA - EXTERIOR - DAY TORTOISE nudges past. His chair slowing him down further. SHOP - EXTERIOR - DAY TORTOISE edges towards the entrance outside. HARE comes from around the corner, walking quite slowly by. He sees the TORTOISE infront of him and a look of shock darts between his eyes. At last he decides to run again. He’s on the verge of passing the TORTOISE when the WITCH appears and beats him up with her broomstick. TORTOISE is edging nearer to the door when some of the other people join in the beating. With one last gasp of energy TORTOISE plonks himself at the doorway and a mood of celebration fills the air. Confetti is thrown. A slightly wider shot shows that it is coming from a lone person. The joyous music strikes the audience and TORTOISE leaps out of his chair in delight. SHOP - INTERIOR - DAY This could be a shop if we can get to film in one. If not we could make one. Using a lone table with felt tipped pieces of paper pointing things out. SHOPKEEPER is keeping his shop as his name suggests. TORTOISE approaches. TORTOISE Shirt please. SHOPKEEPER Oh, we sold out of them ages ago. TORTOISE is a bit taken back by this revelation. SHOPKEEPER There out of fashion now anyway. Now everyone’s wearing packets of cornflakes on their hands. SHOP - EXTERIOR - DAY TORTOISE leaves the shop and stands near the HARE. Outside a ring of people stand pointing with hands hidden inside old cereal packets. They laugh at the HARE and TORTOISES stupid costumes. FASHION POLICEMAN Ah! Wankers! Oct 1999