Birkoff's Past Exposed!
Sentenced to Life in Prison by Judge Judy
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Birkoff's initiation into Section has been a mystery to all who know him. He is tender and somewhat shy, with a fear of guns, blood, diseases, and the outside world. Not surprisingly, many have wondered how the little mite ended up as an operative in the first place. Now The Section Times has the answer.
Judge Judy, the charismatic judge whose popular courtroom television show is shown on various stations worldwide, sentenced Birkoff to life in prison when he was a teenager.
Birkoff was convicted of being a computer geek and received a life sentence for his crime.
"Look at you, wearing an oxford shirt that's not tucked in with tennis shoes in my courtroom!" yelled Judge Judy during her sentencing. "What, do you think I have 'STUPID' written across my forehead? You're a nerd!"
Poor Birkoff was then abducted from his prison cell and put in Section One, where he devised a fictional past in order to stop receiving wedgies from the other recruits.
A secret source told The Section Times, "He says he killed his sister for making fun of him, and that was why they put him away. He tells this story to everyone, though I don't think many people believe him."
Birkoff denies all reports that he is a nerd, and maintains that when he was a teenager he was the "dope daddy doctor sh*t."
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