Converts' Stories: Melanie's Testimony

Melanie's Testimony (from reVert)

I would like to thank you for this wonderful community, first of all. To tell you all of the wonderful things I have learned would take a very long time, so I will just share with you my story of Reversion(if that is a word).

I live in Houston, Texas and have lived here all my life.

I was baptised Catholic and soon after my baptism, my mom left the Catholic religion and became nondenominational. The few times we did go to church, I felt uncomfortable and the ladies who jumped up and down and sang loudly and "spoke in tongues" always frightened me. I remember asking my mom why they behaved in such a disturbing manner and she told me that, one day, I would understand. I doubted that I would ever sympathise with people that would scare children and cause such a commotion. Throughout my childhood, I always felt like things were not right and when I began questioning people that actually took the time to listen they told me many times to "just have faith". The fact that many things did not make any sense to me did not matter, they said.

However, I still had a feeling deep inside that there was something better out there... A deep, strong, feeling that kept me from giving in to the urging of my family to go to church. I even decided as a young child one day, to read the bible because I felt that if my family found the answer there, perhaps if I looked hard enough, I might find it too. Unfortunately, I had a difficult time understanding the bible and its ancient form. And from what I could understand I could tell that this book could not possibly contain the answers I was looking for and so, I gave up on the bible. Despite my defeat, I still believed that what the fire in my heart was telling me was true. It was telling me that I should not give up and the truth would reveal itself in due time.

So, I was patient.

My education was given to me through the various public schools I attended and unfortunately for me, this education never included anything about Islam or any other religion for that matter. I remember discussing religion with a friend of mine and I told him that all I wanted was a "GUIDE FOR LIFE". A religion that, if I ever had a question, could supply me with real answers that made sense.

My exposure to Islam began after I graduated high school and I met a brother who I began dating and only after we were together for almost a year did I start to ask questions of his religion. He did not elaborate without encouragement and after a while I felt that I was burdening him with my inquisions. I would often go to his apartment and wait for him to get home from work and one day while I was looking for something , I came across his Quran. My heart jumped at the sight of it because I had never seen a Quran before. The beautiful inlay of the words made it look like a lost treasure! I made a point to ask his permission to read it before I ever touched it and after he consented, finally, I began to read. I found it so different from the bible. I could understand it! I read and read and the more I read the more my heart screamed that this is the missing piece to the puzzle! The very thing I had been awaiting my whole life! All of my insides were excited and I felt as though I would explode! I found the jewel of my life and what a beautiful shining truth it was! He came home and I was crying from the joy of my discovery. He laughed when I told him that I wanted to revert and start doing everything the way Allah has decreed! He told me to wait and that I should not do everything at once. Being the only Muslim I knew, I followed his advice and tried to plug up the overflowing desire in my heart to change my whole life. After all, I was afraid of the disappointment that I knew that my family would have for my decision.... so I again, patiently waited. I hoped he would marry me and we could be together in our religion. After all, I saw him as my guide to my new religion.

Three years went by and slowly, I revealed my decision to my family. Coming from a southern, American family, all I really had to do was tell the right person and the whole family would have known, but my ultimate concern was my mother. I let it leak out, little by little and finally it seems, everyone knows. Some of my sisters have even shown curiosity. The man I was dating made it clear to me that he would never marry me because I would not be able to be the perfect Arabic wife that he desired for himself. Not too long ago, we stopped seeing one another... shortly after our separation, he married an Arabic woman and INSHAALLAH they should be very happy together.

Now I face a new predicament. I must forge ahead alone and I am very afraid. I still know very few Muslims and I know the next step that should have been taken a long time ago must be taken without delay.

I say a prayer everyday to ALLAH and I hope that he understands the fear in my heart. After all, I have left my whole family behind and even though they are receptive, they are Christians and do not understand when I say I cannot eat pork or drink alcohol.

And even worse, I fear I have ruined my chance for a new start, free of sin and shame.

Please write me with your words of reflection... I appreciate the time you have given me to read my story.

May ALLAH be kind and merciful to all of you.