| Title: Snakes on a Satellite Fandom: Mystery Science Theater 3000 Character(s): Mike & the Bots; Pearl, Bobo & Observer Prompt: 033 (Too Much) Word Count: 2300 words Rating: G Episode(s) Referenced: General (circa Season Ten) Written while moonlighting (moonwriting?) for the "Motherf'ing Snakes!" Snakes on a Plane Multimedia Challenge. (With illustrations by the author.) |
| SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE Mike and the Bots enter. MIKE: Hey there. I'm Mike Nelson, and these are my robot pals. As usual, we've got no clue what's going on. CROW: No big change for you there, Mike. MIKE: Well, yeah... that's – hey! SERVO: Unfortunately, one of our evil overlords is feeling a bit under the weather today. MIKE: Huh? SERVO: Observer. He's got some kind of a... brain thing. CROW: Geez, Mike! Don't you read The Forresterian? MIKE: The what? |
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| CROW: Hello? The newsletter! MIKE: We have a newsletter? SERVO (to Crow): Did you catch this week's Pearl's Pearls of Wisdom? CROW (to Servo): Oh, that Pearl! SERVO (to Crow): She's a pistol! Servo and Crow laugh uproariously. Mike looks perplexed. Gypsy enters, carrying a picnic basket in her mouth. GYPSY: Hurs zeh br gee wir bizkrrt fur Brr Guh. CROW: Thanks, Gyps! SERVO: Get that, will you, Vanilla Ice? MIKE: Sure thing. He takes the basket out of Gypsy's mouth and sets it on the console. GYPSY: Bleh! Wicker! MIKE: Gee, that's too bad about Observer. I hope he's doing better. Gypsy exits. Mike hits the button to contact Castle Forrester. CASTLE FORRESTER Observer walks up to the camera. He's by himself, and he looks green and puffy-eyed. A very small patchwork quilt covers his brain bowl, and a thermometer protrudes from one side. OBSERVER (groggily): Hello, Castle Forrester. How may I direct your call? SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE MIKE: Hey, Observer. We were just checking up on you, to see if you felt any better. |
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| CASTLE FORRESTER OBSERVER: Well, thank you, Marcel. That's very kind. SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE MIKE: Uh... it's Mike. CROW: Tch! Whatever, prima donna. SERVO: We put together a "Get Well Basket" for you. As indicated by the bots, Mike pulls items out of the basket and holds them up to the viewscreen. |
| SERVO: There's a framed eight-by-ten glossy of Jeri Ryan as Seven of Nine. Because smart girls are sexy. CROW: Hive mind... mrrrow! Ooh, and we put in some water-packed, dolphin-safe tuna, because fish is brain food, and then a copy of "Chicken Soup for the Brain." And then also a copy of my thrilling epic screenplay, "Earth Versus Soup." Mike pulls the screenplay out of the basket and chucks it behind him. Crow doesn't notice, and continues talking. CROW: And some Chicken in a Biskit crackers, and a Toblerone bar, and some ramchips. SERVO: And DVDs of A Beautiful Mind, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. CROW: And also a bunch of MindFreak episodes that I taped. SERVO: And a Pick-Me-Up Bouquet. Mike reaches deep into the basket. CROW: It's all the way on the bottom. Mike reaches deeper, apparently right through the console below the basket. SERVO: You packed it on the bottom? CROW: It's fragile. SERVO: Oh, okay. Good thinking. Mike's head and shoulders disappear inside the basket. SERVO (to Mike): Use the ladder. That's why OSHA made us put it in there. CROW (to Mike): Yeah, we don't want another "slip-and-fall lawsuit. MIKE (his voice echoing from within): It's okay. I got it. He emerges with a huge bouquet of flowers and mylar balloons in a big rainbow vase. He looks freaked out. |
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| MIKE (hollowly): It's... it's eternity in there... CROW (to the viewscreen): Anyway, Brain Guy – you can zap it down there whenever you like, and enjoy. SERVO: Get well soon! CASTLE FORRESTER OBSERVER: That's so thoughtful of you. SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE |
| SERVO: Heck, just because we're mortal enemies, doesn't mean we can't be good neighbors. Mike stares at the viewscreen with a look of frozen horror on his face. CASTLE FORRESTER OBSERVER: Unfortunately, I can't zap anything at the moment. SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE CROW: Aw, man! SERVO: Is my face red! CROW: All of you is red! SERVO: I KNOW! Mike continues to stare blankly. CASTLE FORRESTER OBSERVER: Well, you know what they say: it's the thought that counts. And I do appreciate it. Ah... by the way, I think The Big One needs to be rebooted. SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE CROW: Oh, fer... Mike! MIKE! Crow butts Mike with his head. Mike staggers and snaps out of it. MIKE: Huh? Whuzzit – AAAH! Football practice! SERVO: Please, Nelson. You were never on a sports team. You know it, and we know it. Mike shakes himself. MIKE: What the Sam Scratch just happened? CROW: Way too much for your little, pink walnut of a brain, Mike. Let's just leave it at that. CASTLE FORRESTER Pearl and Dr. Bobo enter. Observer walks over and flops down on the couch in the background. He puts his feet up on the coffee table. PEARL: Why, hello there, Michelle. Art. Other one. Today, as a special St. Patrick's Day treat -- Bobo holds up a calendar with a monkey in a bikini. "June, 2006" is printed in large letters under the pinup. |
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| BOBO: Psst! Lawgiver... PEARL: SILENCE! BOBO: Yes, Lawgiver. Bobo cringes, eyes on the floor. BOBO: Are you saving this Gummi Bear? PEARL: What? BOBO: The one on the floor. PEARL: No, Bobo. It's all yours. Bobo disappears under the console. |
| PEARL (to the viewscreen): Today – BOBO (from beneath): Ooh, it's fuzzy! PEARL: – I have for you... (she holds up a reel of film), Sssssss, starring Dirk Benedict. SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE MIKE: S? CASTLE FORRESTER PEARL: No, Sssssss. SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE MIKE: Sssssss? CASTLE FORRESTER PEARL: That's right Nelson. Seven S's. And also... (switches film cans and holds up another), Q! That's all you'll have time to say... before it tears you apart! SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE MIKE: What's with the letters? CASTLE FORRESTER PEARL: Oh, that's just a happy accident. The really neat thing is that they're both about snakes! SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE MIKE: Okay, I get it. Saint Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, so you're sending us films about snakes. CASTLE FORRESTER PEARL: Oh fine, Mr. Smarty Smart Guy. Don't think this makes you smarter than me. OBSERVER: Than I. Pearl looks around, realizing Observer isn't standing next to her. PEARL: Brain Guy, get over here. I don't pay you to sit around. OBSERVER: You don't pay me at all, actually. PEARL: Get over here, or I'm telling everybody at the next staff party that your brain bowl is the spinach artichoke dip! Observer heaves himself wearily to his feet and shuffles over. PEARL: Go ahead. Send up the movies. OBSERVER: I'm feeling a tad under the weather. PEARL: Do I care? OBSERVER: Um... no? PEARL: That's right. Send up the movies. Right now. |
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| Observer pulls the thermometer out of his brain bowl and consults it. OBSERVER: Oh dear. I really don't think it's advisable to make use of my brain today. Pearl grabs Observer by the nose. OBSERVER: Aah! She pulls her hand away, with the tip of her thumb sticking between her fingers. |
| SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE Mike and the Bots recoil in horror. MIKE: Whoa! SERVO: Sweet Sacajawea! CROW: You... you monster! CASTLE FORRESTER OBSERVER (clutching his face): AAAAAAAAH! What have you done?! By beaudiful, padrician dose! Give it back! PEARL: If you don't want to spend the rest of your life looking even more like the Phantom of the Opera, send up those movies, pronto! Looking panicked, Observer turns to the viewscreen. His characteristic "beam up" noise sounds all wonky. He stumbles back from the viewscreen, and falls over. Pearl, looking furious, grabs both film cans and brandishes them, like she's going to bring a beatdown on Observer. OBSERVER (from the floor): My dose! You dropped my dose! PEARL: Can't you do anything right? OBSERVER: It's gedding all linty! SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE MIKE: Well, that was odd. SERVO: I'll say. CROW: Guess we get a day off. Who's for barbecue? Lights start flashing, alarms wailing. MIKE: We've got Movie Sign! |
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| Mike slaps the button, and hundreds of snakes pour from the ceiling, raining down on Mike and the robots. They start shrieking and running around, crashing into one another. SERVO: Snakes! Snaaaaaaakes! CROW: Aaah! This is your fault, Mike! MIKE: No it's not – AAAAAH! Mike falls down and goes tumbling over the console, onto the floor. Servo skids to a halt; Crow continues to run back and forth, flapping his arms and screaming, with snakes all over him. |
| Gypsy runs in, likewise screaming, and runs out again. SERVO: Mike! CROW: Man down! Man down! SERVO: Mike! Mike, reach for my hand! Reach – oh, wait. Never mind. AAAAAAAAAAAH! Servo resumes running around like a maniac. SERVO: SAVE YOURSELVES! Mike springs up, covered in snakes, flailing around frantically. In the background, Gypsy runs through again, going the other way. GYPSY: SNAAAAAAAAAAKES! MIKE: They're biting me! They're biting meeeeeee! Ow! Owie! Ow! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Mike falls down again. |
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| CASTLE FORRESTER Pearl and Observer watch, fascinated. Screams and crashing are faintly audible. Off-screen, there's a beep. BOBO (off-screen): Popcorn's ready, Lawgiver. PEARL: Thank you, Bobo. Bobo enters with a big bowl of popcorn. All three dig in and start munching. SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE |
| Crow and Servo huddle together under Gypsy's head. Snakes continue to fall. SERVO: Mike! Come on! GYPSY: You can make it, Mike! From underneath, Mike's hand slaps at the console, and then he heaves himself up. In his other hand, he's holding a huge umbrella. CROW: Open it! Open it! Mike opens the umbrella, revealing the Gutter Bumbershoot.1 It's big enough that all three of them fit comfortably underneath it. Snakes patter on the umbrella. The Bots cheer. SERVO: You saved us! We're saved! CROW: That was so – so courageous and unselfish! GYPSY: And sexy! MIKE (looking pleased, and then weirded out): Well, I... it was nothing... CROW: Nothing?! You battled your way through all those poisonous snakes, in deadly peril for your life! SERVO: Hey, These are all rubber! GYPSY: Good thing we're low-budget. MIKE (loudly): Yes! It's all thanks to my quick thinking – and the Invention Exchange! SERVO & CROW (chanting): Gutter Bumbershoot! Gutter Bumbershoot! Gutter Bumbershoot! MIKE (joining in): Hey! Gutter Bumbershoot! Gutter Bumbershoot! Boom-bah, yeah! Gutter Bumbershoot! GYPSY (joining in also): Boomber Gutter hum-diddy! Yeah! SERVO: Hey, it's clearing up. Mike sticks his hand out cautiously from beneath the Gutter Bumbershoot. No snakes drop on it. MIKE: Never a dull moment. He lowers the Gutter Bumbershoot. Suddenly, the S.O.L. rocks from a massive impact, throwing everybody against the console. MIKE: What was that? GYPSY: Something hit us! MIKE: Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine! |
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| VIEW FROM SPACE, OUTSIDE THE SATELLITE The Satellite is under attack by a very large winged serpent. SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE The bridge shakes from the impact. MIKE: Holy mackerel! It's Q— CROW (interrupting): Transmission coming in on the hexfield! |
| The hexfield viewer opens, showing a view of space, and a giant, fangy head, with glowing green eyes. QUETZALCOATL: I am Quetzalcoatl. Bow before me, puny meat pawns! MIKE: Uh... greetings, your godhood-ness. How are you today? QUETZALCOATL: Cheesed off! MIKE: I'm sorry to hear that, your scaly terrifyingness. QUETZALCOATL: I am awakened from my long slumber, and summoned to burninate the entire world, and now I find out the entire Aztec civilization was destroyed six centuries ago, and I've completely overslept. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is? MIKE: Boy, do I! I used to oversleep for my job at Happy Temps all the time. CROW (whispering): Mike! No! MIKE: And then this one day, I came in to work three hours late, and my bosses knocked me over the head and shot me into space. SERVO: Mike, trust the professionals. Crow and I call up unspeakable things from beyond the Outer Darkness all the time. We know how to handle this. QUETZALCOATL: All right, prepare to be eaten. CROW: Oh, good one, Mike. GYPSY: Stop! Gypsy lifts herself up, showing a lot more of her body: black, ribbed tubing. GYPSY: I am Gypslythera! The Snake Goddess! QUETZALCOATL: I... you're beautiful! SERVO: Yes. That's right. And I am High Priest Anatomda Servowinder. CROW: And I am High Priest Crowroborous! MIKE: And I am High Priest... uh, Mike Nelsonius! CROW: Lame, Mike. Very lame. MIKE: I'm sorry. I panicked. SERVO: We are Gypslythera's humble, groveling worshippers. All hail Gypslythera! CROW: Our goddess that we worship and propitiate with ramchips! MIKE: Save us, benevolent Snake Goddess, so we can worship you a lot more! Mike, Servo and Crow abase themselves. QUETZALCOATL: Tough luck. You summoned me, and therefore I must destroy you. GYPSY: No we didn't! It was those guys in the castle. Go kill them. SERVO: O, Great Quetzalcoatl, bring your vengeance upon those who awakened you, not upon your fellow serpents. QUETZALCOATL: You speak most eloquently, High Priest Anatomda Servowinder. SERVO: Thanks. QUETZALCOATL: And your beautiful goddess Gypslythera has convinced. I shall pop on over to Castle Forrester and smite those guys. So long! (to Gypsy) Call me! GYPSY: Bye! |
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| The hexfield viewer closes. VIEW FROM EARTH, OUTSIDE CASTLE FORRESTER Quetzalcoatl flies down and starts attacking the castle. CASTLE FORRESTER, INSIDE The castle shakes with explosions, and the inside fills with smoke. Observer and Bobo scamper back and forth in the background, waving their arms and screaming. |
| Pearl dashes up to the viewscreen. |
| PEARL: Nelson! I'll get youuuuu! She shakes her fist. There's another explosion, and the video feed goes staticky. SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE MIKE: Whew! That was a close one! GYPSY: He was so cute! CROW: Thanks, Gypsy. SERVO: Yeah, you really saved our bacon. MIKE: Good thing we don't have to bow down and worship you anymore, though. Right, guys? Mike, Servo and Crow all laugh heartily. Gypsy stares at them. MIKE: What? GYPSY: Get with the worshipping. Or I'm calling him back. Mike, Servo and Crow look nervously at Gypsy, then they bow down to her. |
| THE END *** |
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| 1The Gutter Bumbershoot appeared in Episode 513, The Brain That Wouldn't Die. Picture Gallery, with larger views of the artwork, and some notes. |