Having It All
by Lee
© 2001-2002

Chapter Five

She lay perfectly still, hoping that Howie would fall back to sleep. How long he had been upstairs, she had no idea.

She felt him nuzzle into her neck and snuggle up against her, his aroused body pressing against her butt. Damn! His engine was running in overdrive. Even exhausted, Howie could be tireless. He would often reach for her in the night, leaving her thoroughly exhausted by morning. There were times when she was actually grateful for touring as it allowed her a bit of respite, but for the most part, they were very compatible.

She couldn't stay in bed. Her mind was racing with the irreversible turn of events. Things happened for a reason. Not that she didn't take responsibility for her choices, but she firmly believed that there was a reason for everything.

She couldn't possibly be with Nick and run back into the arms of Howie.

"What's wrong," she heard him whisper.

"I'm not feeling well."

"Really?"

It wasn't entirely a lie. She felt sick with guilt.

"Howie, sweetie, don't worry about me. You get some sleep. I'm going downstairs for some milk. Do you want anything?"

"Is there anything else wrong?"

"What do you mean? I just feel ill."

She sounded defensive. Howie rose on one elbow, and searched her face for any clues. Something else was wrong. Of that, he was certain. She could barely look at him. He fell back on his pillow and shut his eyes. He couldn't look at her either. He suddenly felt overcome by the ache of a broken heart. It was all too familiar.

Howie pretended to sleep as he heard her leave the room. He felt certain that she would return to Nick's arms. When he had stumbled upstairs earlier, there had been no sign of her. His heart denied what his mind knew. He had been trying to possess the unattainable, her free spirit. Although it had been one of the things that attracted him to her, it was what was driving them apart now.

Mel stared into the frothy strawberry smoothie. She made the fruity concoction by the jugful, an addiction for which Howie teased her.

Howie.

He knew something had gone awry. She could feel it. He looked so hurt. Those large, sensitive eyes hid nothing.

She could blame it on the booze, or Nick's seduction, but ultimately, the decision was hers. Nick had wanted her for whatever reasons, only known to him, and she had fallen for it. She had betrayed the only man she had ever truly loved. And he deserved much better.

Not even the sound of the ocean's waves rushing to the peaceful shores of the cove could soothe her, nor did its addictive, tangy scent distract her from her malaise. She sat still, alone with her thoughts, staring out into space.

A hesitant whiff of cigarette smoke drifted towards her and hung in the air, making its presence known to her subconscious, as she leaned back in the patio chair. It took some time before she realized that she was not alone.

"I helped myself. Do you mind?" AJ's husky voice enquired as he raised a glass of her smoothie mix. He swung his leg over a nearby chair.

"Uhm. . . no. . no problem, AJ. I'm sorry. I'm a terrible hostess."

"Party's over, babe. No need to be on."

"There are still some of you here, you know," she smiled wryly at him.

"We can take care of ourselves. Before you were here, Howie wouldn't run around serving us. I figured things wouldn't change. We're family."

"Uh huh." She murmured, lost in thought. "Thanks. I appreciate your independence."

"Excuse me for saying this but you look like you're carrying the world on your shoulders. I can be a really good listener if you need one."

"Ah, AJ. . . you're a funny guy. You always seem a little crazy. I guess that's why so few people notice how observant you are." His thoughtful manner brought her attention back to him.

"Sometimes I see or know way more than I want to," he hesitated before adding, "like you and Nick."

She looked at him, mortified by his revelation.

"Oh God, were we that obvious? I would never want to humiliate Howie."

"No, you weren't obvious." He exhaled slowly. She watched the smoke unfurl and disappear into the air.

"I can't make any excuses. I wish I could explain it. I wish someone would explain it to me."

"Ya know, I think I understand, kinda like you understand me. We're more alike than you realize."

Lee looked intently at AJ. He seldom let people past that cocky, self assured veneer. She was touched by the flashes of vulnerability he showed her and was particularly attached to him. He was still, however, Howie's closest friend.

"You fucked up."

She looked at him, incredulous. That was it. That was his profound statement. She jumped to her feet with impatience.

"Wait, don't get so pissed off. There's more." He dragged slowly on his cigarette, further irritating her. Patience was not her virtue.

"Humfph"

"Do you know why I have an on and off again relationship with a woman I love so much?"

She leveled a curious look his way.

"I'm a fuck up. I do something really shitty to her when she gets too close to me. When I think I can't live without her, I screw up royally so she dumps me. Sound familiar?"

It made sense, more sense than she would like to admit. There was a pattern in her behaviour. Even though she was lucky in love, it never lasted.

"Am I right that you don't let people get close to you very easily? I mean, you're really friendly and lots of fun but you don't let people in, not like you did with Howie."

He was right. She was even uncomfortable with his observation.

"Weird thing is, is that if you weren't like you are, D would have run hard and fast. You let him see how much he wanted to be with you. I've never seen him like this. Clingy women scare the crap out of him. I guess he likes the chase. Ha. . . who doesn't?"

The smoke billowed around him. His extraordinary shuttered eyes looked off at the water. He was extremely pensive, even for AJ. In giving her insight into herself, he was also trying to reconcile his own behaviour.

"I hope you can work it out with Howie. You two seemed happy together. Or is it Nick that you want?"

She shook her head. She no more wanted Nick than he wanted her. It had been sex. That was it.

"Ya sure Nick knows that?"

She wasn't sure of anything anymore. Tears stung her eyes and blurred her vision.

"You need to go back to Howie and make it right."

"What's he going to say? He's going to be furious AJ. He's a sweet, gentle man but he's no pushover."

"Who said you should tell him. It'll just hurt him."

"I'm not going to lie."

"I didn't say you should. Just don't say anything."

She buried her head in her hands, trying to come to terms with her own emotions first before deciphering AJ's words. She was too tired and overwrought to think clearly now.

"Now, go back to your man."

Melanie sniffed and nodded her head as she shuffled back to her and Howie's room. Her anxiety was eating away at her, and perhaps, AJ's suggestion was the best for now. Howie seemed to be sleeping soundly. His back was to her and he held his pillow snugly as if it was her. She wrapped her arms around his back, and pressed her lips in the groove between his shoulder blades.

A few hours later, her eyes fluttered open, adjusting to the bright daylight in their room. Howie had been lying there watching her sleep. He wore a troubled look although the light of love softened his expression. She returned his stare and realized, despite her indescretion, that she loved him desperately. How she would make it up to him, she didn't know. Neither reached for the other as they held each other's gaze.

She wanted him to make love to her, to erase the memory of Nick, to make her his. Despite the smouldering tension, he didn't touch her. She could see the turmoil in his usually calm face. Just when she felt she would burst, he looked away and climbed out of bed without saying a word.

"Howie. . . "

"It's getting late. We still have house guests," was all he said as he got ready for the day.

"Happy New Year, Howie."

"Happy New Year too, baby." He smiled a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

And for the two weeks that followed, they did nothing more than co-habit. Howie left early every morning only to return late at night. Rehearsals for the tour were now in full swing.

Initially, Melanie would drop by the studio to say hi, as was customary of the wives or girlfriends. Howie, a self-proclaimed workaholic, poured his heart and soul into the preparations for the tour, to the exclusion of almost everything else. His lack of interest in Mel's presence was so unflattering it was embarrassing. Nick, on the other hand, behaved more like the attentive boyfriend. He greeted her so effusively that a few of the crew members indulged in the possibility that the young blonde secretly fantasized about her exotic looks. He was often caught staring at her when he thought no one else was looking.

Melanie didn't encourage Nick but accepted his friendly greetings with grace and dignity. There were times when she had flashes of the night they were intimate. She could feel her whole body flush when she thought of him sexually. His habit of undressing her with eyes ensured the frequency of these thoughts. If it wasn't for him, she'd have been convinced she was invisible. Howie almost looked through her. It was a side of him she had no idea existed.

AJ observed the players in the scene act out their parts with frightening unpredictability. His subtle attempts to intervene were to no avail. When he couldn't stand watching in silence any longer, he pulled Nick aside to reprimand him.

"Hey, knock it off."

"Knock what off?"

"Quit fucking around with Mel. I can see what you're doing, and I bet Howie can too. And I got news for you buddy, they're still together, so it ain't helping."

"What the fuck are you talking about? I'm not doing anything. What do you know?" Nick stepped closer to AJ in an attempt to intimidate him. What he lacked in size, AJ made up for in finesse. He wasn't going to back down yet.

"Nick, I mean it, they've got problems and they don't need you to bug them. Leave them alone. Besides I've got something else for you. Oh man, you should see the beautiful ladies I'm meeting up with later. One of them asked for you by name."

"You been cut lose again, huh, Bone?" Nick guffawed. He allowed AJ to distract him from the soap opera that was Howie and Melanie's relationship. It was becoming far more complicated than he could fathom. He had felt bad for them, and his part in their unhappiness, but it was up to the two of them to fight for what they had.

"Yep, I'm on the prowl again. So you coming tonight?"

"Yeah, man, what the hell."

Ironically, a few hours later, during a break, Howie sat with Kevin to discuss plans for press appearances. Although Kevin sensed that all was not well, he respected Howie's privacy. D would confide in him if he needed help and Kevin would be there for him. Nick arrived at their table as the two men spoke. He sat next to Kevin, a heavy laden plate teetering in his hand, Howie lifted his eyes only fractionally to acknowledge the younger man's presence.

"Do you want to tell me how long you've been sleeping with my girlfriend?"

Kevin choked back the freshly squeezed juice he was drinking and coughed uncontrollably. He had not expected this at all.

"Howie, man. . ."

"Don't lie to me, Nick. I'm not an idiot."

"It just happened once. Don't worry. She won't have anything to do with me."

"That's funny cause she won't have anything to do with me either."

Kevin's mouth gaped open as he learned for the first time the source of tension between the two men.

"Uhm. . . before you do or say anything you're both going to regret. . . " Kevin began.

"It's too late," Howie whispered. Upon hearing his words, Nick left.

A stony silence strangled them as Kevin tried again to grasp the words that hung in the air. It couldn't be. Howie loved Melanie. Melanie loved Howie. At least, Kevin had thought they did. Kevin was at a loss for words or a solution. He put a comforting arm around Howie's back and felt the younger man lean into him for support.

"Are you sure, D?"

"You just heard Nick. If I wasn't, he just confirmed it. I was pretty sure. I love her so much but I can't let it go. I feel so betrayed." Howie let the tears he'd held so stoically fall unchecked.

During a time when they should have renewed their love, with the long separations of touring looming ahead, loneliness and despair crept into their lives. They had lost the way back to each other. Howie was angered by the affair. He had lost his faith and trust in them. Mel's reaction was to withdraw even more.

She had wanted to tell him, to explain what had happened, to tell him how much she loved him, and to beg his forgiveness, but somehow, it never seemed like the right time or the words eluded her. In the weeks leading to the whirlwind tour, their love eroded with each unspoken word and lost opportunity.