Captain Hops and the Golden Fleece

A play by Uncle Steve And Andy

CAST

NARRATIVE SONG

(King Pelias is already on stage. Enter Jason)

Come, Sit ye down and listen to a myth as old as time
We'll tell you now our story, and we'll even try to rhyme
About a handsome hero, and the quest he undertook
And the evil king, his uncle, who really was a schnook
Oh, you just might laugh or your teary eyes glisten,
To find out sit down on your butt and listen

Don't think our story's boring, just because it's old
It's got fire-breathing bulls and a sheep that's made of gold
A great and mighty dragon and Zeus's evil hex
Perhaps it even has a little bit of sex (THAT got their attention!)
Let thy search for entertainment cease
And watch ye Jason and the Golden Fleece!

Jason Uncle Pelias! I have come to demand the crown! When my father, the King, retired lo these many years ago, he made'st thou King on the condition I would become King when I reached the age of 18. And now that I've reached the age of ascension, I want what is coming to me!

Pelias (Under his breath) A swift kick in the butt? (To Jason) Oh yes! Of course, my most deserving nephew! I will gladly give up my crown to thee... it is by all rights thine! (Starts to hand crown over, but stops as Jason reaches for it) But are thou certain thou dost wish to be King so soon? Thou dost realize it means the end to thy days of happiness and freedom?

Jason Aruh?

Pelias Listen well unto me, Jason! Being King is absolutely no fun at all... nothing but work, work, work! Thou woulds't REALLY not enjoy it! For instance-

(King is interrupted by servant)

Servant Excuse me, sire, but the harem of nubile dancing girls is waiting in thy bedchambers for-

Pelias Yes, yes! I shall be right there! (to Jason) As I was saying - IMPOSSIBLE to maintain ANY modicum of normal life. Thou canst kiss any hobbies good-bye! And if thou dost think-

Servant Your Majesty! Thy dance instructor awaits to give thee thy daily lesson. She has brought thy newly cobbled ruby-inlaid dance slippers! And-

Pelias In a moment!!! (to Jason) And... Uh... and if thou dost think there is ANY appreciation or glory in being King WHATSOEVER, well, think again! Respect! HA! Why a vulture yields more respect than the Kng of Thessaly-

Servant Come quickly, sire! The townspeople have erected a 50 foot tall golden statue in honor of thy greatness, and they wish to present it to-

Pelias In a moment!(to Jason) Listen well! If I had the opportunity to be free again... I would take it in a heartbeat! Ah... the chance to see the world and seek fame and glory! Why... if I were you I would go on a quest and become a mighy hero! Do something that had never been done before... say... thou coulds't go in search of the Golden Fleece...a magical treasure brought from the heavens by the god Hermes himself! Now, THAT would make a man famous! Much better than being a King!!!

Jason (who does not appear overly bright) Thou dost make much sense, Uncle! I want to be a famous hero before I become King and live the dull life thou dost describe...

Pelias Dull. Very dull.

Jason I will undertake this mighty quest! I shall seek the Golden Fleece and all of Greece shall remember the name of Jason! It sounds simple enough... how much challenge could an old sheepskin present! I will leave immediately to purchase a ship and crew!

(exit Jason : the King turns to the audience)

Pelias There goes a walking corpse! Jason thou fool! The fleece is guarded by many dangers... if thou are not crushed between the Clashing Islands, or slain by the fire-breathing bulls from hell, then thou will most surely be eaten alive by the terrible dragon that never sleeps! In any event, the crown shall remain mine FOREVER!!! (Diabolical laughter...looks at singers, waiting for them to start, they finally get their act together and begin...so he leaves)

NARRATIVE SONG

Off set mighty Jason to search the world around
For a hearty crew and vessel and here is what he found,
A crew of mighty heroes and a captain that was brave
The only thing he was a-feared of was when he had to shave
Hops: Who knows what I'll find in there!?!
Yes! The head of that crew was a hero who was tops
The glorious and famous Captain Hops

His life was told in stories, his childhood a fable
How at four years old he drank his Dad beneath the table
A man of many talents that wondrous Captain Hops
If he emptied his full bladder, he'd kill all England's crops
But was he a true hero, a kind good hearted elf?
Just watch now and decide it for yourself.

(As the scene opens, Captain Hops and his crew are standing before a kindly peasant couple and their child, who are obviously distressed)

Peasant Woman Oh, please kind sailors! Please help us!

Peasant Man Yes! We are in great need of heroes to help us in our hour of need!

Captain Hops BUUUUURP! What seems to be the problem, kindly peasant folk?

P. Man We were on our way to the town market, and were, without warning, set set upon by a band of cutthroats and villains. They took all of our livestock that we were to sell at market! Out entire year's stock stolen by evil fiends!

P. Woman We will surely starve to death! They not only took all of our animals, they also stole all of our money-we are as poor as church-mice...they even took...they even took...little Jamie's...

P. Child (sweet, innocent little child clutching a teddy bear) They even swiped my piggy bank, and I was saving to buy a Mother's Day present to show Momma how much I love her!

Crew Awwww...

Hops I see they did not take your wineskin, or your beer mug.

P. Man I think they had too much to carry as it was

Hops Did they steal all of thy weapons, as well?

P. Woman Even the rake and hoe, but enough with that! Wilt thou help us, kind Captain?

Hops I notice they did also leave you with that half eaten mutton leg...

P. Man Yes, but who would steal that?

Hops I WOULD!!!

(Crew looks appalled. Hops whips out his sword and points it at the peasant's face)

Hops Now, HAND IT OVER! Yup, and the wineskin...And the mug...

(Peasants hand over items, and head towards edge of stage, grumbling about the low quality of heroes, etc.)

Hops WAIT! COME BACK HERE!

P. Man What be it now?

Hops The teddy bear too!

(yanks the bear out of the child's hands - child starts to cry and peasants leave stage with shrieking child)

Hops Now you get out of here!

(Crew looks truly appalled. Enter Jason)

Jason I am the soon-to-be-famous Jason, and I be looking for a hearty band of heroes and a ship - to aid me on my heroic quest for glory and greatness, my search for the GOLDEN FLEECE!!!

Hercules Did'st thou say FAME!?!

Theseus Did'st thou say GLORY!?!

Orpheus Did'st thou say GREATNESS!?!

Hops BUUUUURP!!!! Did'st thou say GOLD!?!

Cabin Boy Did'st thou say FLEECE!?!

Jason And surely there will be good deeds to do, and monsters to defeat!

Hercules FINALLY! Good deeds! We have been trapped with this Captain Hops for several weeks now, and his ability as a hero is, well...questionable

Hops Did someone say MONSTERS!?!

Theseus Yes! Ever since we signed on with this ship, we have done naught but watch the Captain drink and pass out, and uh...feed the fish, if thou dost know what I mean

Hops MONSTERS!?! Oooo, look! A beer!

Jason Wondrous well! And who art thou, brave sailors?

Hercules (puffing out chest) HERCULES!

Theseus (Cockily) THESEUS!

Orpheus (very suave) ORPHEUS!

Cabin Boy And Me! The Cabin Boy!!!

Jason Um, excuse me, but aren't you all, um, uh,...women dressed up to look like men?

Theseus SHHH!!! We're actually MARRIED to Hercules, Theseus and Orpheus. But, they really needed a break and we were getting tired of house chores.

Orpheus Captain Hops hasn't figured it out yet.

Jason I can live with it. Would you join me on my quest, then?

Heroes (Unison) THE CREW OF THE ARGO WILL JOIN YOU ON YOUR QUEST! AND PITY TAKE ANY FOUL BEAST THAT GETS IN OUR WAY, FOR WE WILL PERFORM BLOODY MURDER ON IT! WE WILL THRASH ANY FOE WITHIN AN OUNCE OF ITS' LIFE! WE WILL...

Orpheus Beat it with a rolling pin?

Jason Yes, very manly, miss...I mean Orpheus. Let us be off!

Hops (Finally looking up from his beer) MONSTER!?!

Cabin Boy FLEECE!?!

NARRATIVE SONG

The Argo sailed the oceans towards dangers yet untold,
No obstacle feared they, for the Argonauts were bold
They met every single challenge with mighty daring hearts,
But nothing really happened, so we'll skip the boring parts
Crew Thank you!
No evil beast ever came within their reach
After many months they landed on a beach

(The sailors hit an island)

Argonauts (All Argonauts lines are delivered in unison) We have run aground of an Island!

Jason I wonder what manner of creature lives here?

Hops Hopefully someone with beer!

Argonauts Be it friend or foe, it will have to stand against the might of the Argonauts!!! Theseus! Hercules! Orpheus!

(pause)

Cabin Boy And the Cabin Boy!

Phineus (an old man in tattered robes) What be all this racket on my beach?

Argonauts 'Tis Jason and the crew of the Argo! And we will not be thwarted by man nor beast! If there is a challenge we will take it! If there is any rule we will-

Jason Knocketh that off!!! (to Phineus) I am Jason, and these are my Argonauts! We quest for the Golden Fleece! Who art thou, old man?

Hops Tell us where the fleece is or I will hit you in the head with my beer mug! (old man flinches)

Jason SHH! Thou must learn TACT, Captain! Speak on, old man...

Phineus I am the wise and ancient sage, Phineus! Punished to live here lo these many years ago by Zeus for being too clever.

Hops He is a most vengeful god to punish thee for being more clever than he!

Phineus I did also sleep with his wife. (thunder from offstage) Phineus I did also try to sleep with his wife.

Jason Ah... right... Oh, wise sage, we seek thy great wisdom to aid us on our quest. We need advice on-

Phineus Never put thy cart before thy horse!

Jason No, no! We need to know what-

Phineus A rolling stone dost gather no moss!

Jason That is all well and good, but we must needs information on-

Phineus A bird in thy hand is worth two in thy bush!

Jason Wait! We would like to ask you-

Phineus Rat tastes a lot like chicken!

(pause - Jason and the crew all look at each other strangely)

Jason Woulds't thou PLEASE tell us of the dangers that lie ahead!?!

Phineus All thou hads't to do was ask...Ahead lie the CLASHING ROCKS!!! (ooooh) A great pair (makes grabby motions) of mighty mountains that will smash flat any ship that does dare to sail between them!

Jason How do we get past these clashing rocks?

Phineus I will share the secret... Before thou dost sail through, release a quick dove. It will trick the rocks in to closing, and since it is so fast, it will fly through undamaged by the terrible boulders!

Jason 'Tis wondrous advice! I thank thee, old man! We shall return and pick thee up on our way back!

NARRATIVE SONG

Now that they had the secret, they would not take a lickin'
They also learned more wisdom, that rat tastes just like chicken
The Argo sailed onward, just like a cunning fox
It knew it would not be crushed between the clashing...rocks
It would escape being put in traction And so they put their cunning plan in action

(They point offstage to the two clashing rocks in the distance)

Jason There be the dread clashing rocks (Ooooooh!). Cabin Boy - Did'st thou acquire a quick winged dove, as the old man told us?

Cabin Boy I could not find a dove in the middle of the ocean... but we do have the Teddy Bear that Hops stole back in scene two! (Holds up sadly abused Teddy Bear)

Jason (Taking the bear) Well... It'll have to do. Alright bear, I hope thou are quick of foot... ((he throws the bear backstage - there is a mighty crunch, a yelp, and a puff of cotton balls - Crew make faces) QUICKLY NOW! ROW FOR THINE LIVES!!!

(They row across the stage, and a props person walks past with a little picture of the clashing rocks - very silly little prop)

Theseus (deadpan) You call those Clashing ROCKS!?!

Argonauts PEBBLES!

Cabin Boy I have almost soiled my troos in terror.

(They sail onward, and are soon met by the King of Colchis, and his daughter Medea)

King Ho there! Welcome to the land of Colchis! I be its King, and this is my beautiful daughter Medea (who is making come hither looks, licking tongue, etc. at Jason). Who art thou, strangers?

Hops We are in search of BEER!

Argonauts SHH!!! This be Jason, and we be the Argonauts, a hearty crew of soon to be famous heroes, who-

Jason ALRIGHT, ALREADY!!! (to King) We have come in quest of the Golden Fleece. I believe it lies within thine Kingdom.

Hops Give us the fleece or I'll cut off your head with a rusty spoon!

Jason Captain Hops! You MUST learn some social skills! Go ahead, King...

King Verily, but it does! However, if thou wisheth to quest for it in MY Kingdom, thou will have to pass a test to prove thine worth...

Hops I wouldn't pass water over your kingdom!

Jason Very well, what be this test? Multiple choice? Essay?

King Thou must tame the Fire Breathing Bulls from HELL!!!

Jason Excuse me?

Argonauts WE WILL TAME THESE FOUL BEASTS AND WIN THE DAY!!! NO FOE THOU COULDS'T PIT AGAINST JASON AND HIS MIGHTY ARGONAUTS SHALL GO UNDEFEATED! WE WILL KILL THE CREATURES THOUGH IT TAKETH EVERY LAST OUNCE OF SWEAT AND WE DIE HORRIBLY IN THE PROCESS!!!

Hops Woulds't thou PLEASE SHUT UP!!!

NARRATIVE SONG

What terror was he in for, we now will let you know
Two beasts that had a-risen from the fiery pits below
Raging nasty monsters from their horns down to their feet
Slavering barbarians that no man could ever defeat
We join them at dinner, what a horrid sight
As they fulfill their hellish appetite

(Enter the bulls [Large seadogs wearing horns]. They are sitting calmly at a table delicately eating hot chili peppers. Next to them is a sign reading " Fire breathing Bulls")

Bull One (In a snotty British accent) Now you simply MUST try this! 'Tis the latest rare chili from the pepper farms in Spain! Truly blistering!

Bull Two If thou dost think THAT is hot, my cultured companion, it is positively because thou hast not tried the latest Indian curry from a charming bistro called Hades' Kitchen.

Bull One I say! That is quite tasty! I simply MUST wash that down with a glass of pressed garlic juice!

Both Ha- Ha! (Snotty British Laughter)

(They are interrupted by the entrance of the Argonauts, minus Jason, who is at the side of the stage flirting with Medea, and Hops, who is in the audience drinking a beer and kibitzing)

Argonauts WE HAVE COME TO SLAY THEE BOTH - RAVENOUS SLAVERING FIENDS FROM THE NETHER REGIONS OF HELL! PREPARE TO DO BATTLE WITH THE GREATEST HEROES KNOWN TO MAN!

(The bulls pause and look at each other, and then calmly turn and breath in the direction of the Argonauts, who make horrid faces of agony, gasp for air, and pass out on the stage)

Bull One As I was saying... thou simply MUST examine the positive qualities of this rare Madagascar Insanity pepper...

Bull Two A TAD on the mild side, I should think.

Both Ha-ha!

(attention to edge of stage, where Jason and Medea are flirting)

Medea Jason, thou shalt never tame the fire breathing bulls without MY help!

Jason Well then, most lovely princess... may I have thine help?

Medea There is a cost... I shall give thee a magic charm to protect thee from the insidious and demonic power of the bulls... but thou must promise to marry me!

Jason MARRY!?! I mean, I like thee, and all, but (muttering to self) I just don't know if I be ready for that type of commitment... I mean, I always said if I did it, it would be just once. And sure, our kids would be stunningly attractive, but what about the wedding? Guests would have to be-

Medea Take it or leave it.

Jason Let's have the magic charm

Medea Here it be! (Hands him a clothespin)

Jason This is my MAGIC charm?!?! For THIS I traded the best years of my male life!?!

Medea Trust me

(He turns around and heads upstage {and puts the clothespin on his nose}...Attention to bulls again)

Bull Two As for the merits of distilled Tobasco paste...

Bull One Simply DELIGHTFUL on spiced anchovy!

Bull Two Too True!

(enter Jason who speaks in a high pitched, whiney voice)

Jason HOLD, FOUL BEASTS! PREPARE TO MEET DEFEAT! I AM THE MIGHTY JASON!

(Bulls are unimpressed)

Bull One Did he say "nighty mason"?

Bull Two I'm not sure... I think he has a code id hid doze!

Both Ha-Ha!

Bull One Alright, here we go again...

(Both take deep lungfulls and breath in the direction of Jason...who gives them a big smile...)

Bulls Oh dear!

(Jason calmly walks over and puts his hand on the shoulder of one of the bulls, sword in the other hand)

Jason Now... We can do this the easy way, or the "I whippeth thine butts all the way to next week" way

Bulls We'll go quietly

(All leave...Argonauts get up and leave as well)

NARRATIVE SONG

On an island lives a dragon that has never been known to sleep
Does his mighty hunger keep him always ready for to leap?
Has he chosen not to sleep on some monastic whim
Or perhaps he's so damn wicked, the sandman's scared of him
Is this why his eyelids won't go south?
NO! It's 'cause the fleece won't shut its mouth.

(Dragon on stage guarding the Golden Fleece, who is played by an actor in a gold sprayed fleece)

Fleece Oh woe is me, I wish some handsome hero would come and rescue me... I have been trapped here for decades... my only company the dragon that never sleeps!

Dragon Mayhaps I COULD sleep if thou were capable of SILENCE for more than a MINUTE!!! Thou hast kept me awake with thine infernal chattering for more years than I can count!!!

Fleece Thou dost not need be so aggressive and confrontational! I only miss out on having a little COMPANY now and then, a sweet voice to comfort me when I am lonely. Oh poor little golden fleece that is me!

Dragon QUIET! (Covering Ears) I do not HEAR YOU! La la la! (trying to block out the noise as the fleece continues talking)

(enter Jason, the Argonauts, and Medea)

Jason HALT! Stop torturing that poor fleece with thy horrible singing! I am Jason, and these are the Argonauts! And we are here to slay thee and take thy treasure back with us as a trophy!

Dragon Harsh words from squeaking little puny humans!!!

Jason Prepare to taste defeat, foul beast!

(They all take out their weapons, and commence a faire battle: they yell something, and all thrust their swords in unison, the dragon yells something and charges, etc.)

Theseus DIE HORRIBLY, SCALED FIEND!!! THY TREASURE IS OURS!!! (Swing)

Dragon THOU SHALT NEVER HAVE IT! I SHALL RIP THY FLESH FROM THY BONES AND PLAY XYLOPHONE UPON THY RIBS!!! (Lunge)

Orpheus IF MY HUSBAND WAS HERE YOU'D BE IN BIG TROUBLE!!! Oops! (All glare at her and then swing)

Dragon IT IS MINE FOREVER! I WILL WATER MY LAWN WITH THY BLOOD!!! (Lunge)

Hercules THOU STAND NO CHANCE AGAINST OUR GREATNESS, OVERSIZED GECKO! ADMIT LOSS AND SURRENDER THY ILL-GOTTEN GAIN!!! (Swing)

Dragon I WILL GUARD IT WITH MY LIFE!!! THOU SHALT BE REMEMBERED ONLY AS HIGH QUALITY FERTILIZER!!! (Lunge)

Cabin Boy THAT'S IT! I HAVE PLAYED SECOND FIDDLE TO THESE HEROES LONG ENOUGH!!! I HAVE BARELY EVEN HAD ANY LINES IN THIS STUPID PLAY!!! I AM GOING TO SLAY THE DRAGON AND BE THE HERO FOR ONCE!!! (Leaps forward and flails his fists, grabs a sword and shield) That sheep shall be MY reward! Now, Dragon, prepare to meet thy maker! For NONE can stand against the raging fury that is ME! (Looks at the sword, turns to the heroes) Hey... How dost thou use this thing?

(Dragon knocks him down with the flick of a finger)

Theseus Uh... he killed the cabin boy!

Orpheus I do not think I like this hero business.

Hercules Clearly this chest-thumping sloped-forehead behavior is dangerous

Theseus Didn't we pass a slave boy tent on the way here? (They all look at each other, pause, and bolt offstage)

Jason Come back here you cowards!!!

Dragon It doth look like thy champions have abandoned thee! MWAHAHAHAHA!!! Now Jason, I will eat all of thee! The fat one doth look particularly tasty! I thin k he shall be a mighty feast!

Hops Please do not eat me! I taste terrible! Much like unto five day old rancid mutton... you are what you eat, you know!

Dragon HA!!! Dinner, thy name is FAT SAILOR!!! I think it shall take five barrels of ale to wash down such a mighty meal!

Hops Dost thou HAVE five barrels of ale!?? (Hops turns around and starts chewing up some Alka-Seltzer)

Dragon Verily but I do!!! The last ship I killed were drink merchants, who thought they would stop by and rescue the fleece! They had a ship FILLED with barrels of whine, mead ale, stout, whiskey, and most of all...tons of high quality beer! As a matter of fact, I have so much of the stuff that I bathe in it!

Hops (Who explodes in a foaming sea of fury) BEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!! GIMME!!! GRRR!!!

(Comic fight ensues, with Hops beating the dragon into submission. Hops then grabs the keg that the Dragon had and starts to guzzle)

Jason Good job, Captain Hops! You saved us all!!! Captain Hops? Captain Hops!?!

(They all turn to look at him, but he does not notice, as he is too busy drinking. The fleece leaps forth)

Fleece I am all thine, handsome sailors! I am called the Golden Fleece by most, but thou canst just call me "Flossy"!

Jason (Unhappily) 'Tis an awfully friendly fleece...

Fleece Take me Jason! I looooove ewe! Get it? Ewe? E-w-e? Tee-hee!!!

(All Groan)

Medea Watch it, sheep boy! This man is all MINE!!!

Fleece Guess I can't pull the wool over your eyes! Tee-hee! (More Groans) So wilt thou take me back to thy Kingdom now? It will be soooo nice to live in a big castle with servants and dinner parties and little napkins to wipe my chin! Oh Jason! I am sooooo happy you found me! Why, we're going to be the best of fr-

(Cabin Boy clamps his hand over the sheep's mouth. Sheep makes muffled noises)

Cabin Boy Couldn't we just leave the fleece here? I mean, USUALLY I am VERY fond of sheep, but THIS one...

Jason Nay! I have quested long and hard for this treasure, and bring it home I shall! Now.. off to return the Golden Fleece to my uncle and prove my greatness!

(They sail one way, turn around, sail back to uncle)

Jason Uncle Pelias! I have returned after lo, these many years at sea, and have completed my quest!

Pelias WHAT!?! Thou are not dead!?! I mean...uh...WONDROUS! Thou are not dead!!! Did'st thou bring with thee the Golden Fleece?

Fleece That would be me! Cute as a button and ten times as loveable! Who in Greece could no take one look at me and not want to hug me and cuddle me and adore me! Why...(mrphh!)

Jason Yes, Uncle, I did recover the Golden Fleece

Pelias And I suppose that thou dost wish now to tour the lands with thy glorious treasure and show the world what a great hero thou hast become! Worry not, I shall look over thy kingdom in thy absence! Why...

Fleece (Breaks free from Cabin Boy) Yea! A world tour! I will get to dress in all the finery that money can afford? The people will need to see a fully accessorized Golden Fleece! It would not do to have them see me dressed baaa-dly! Hee-Hee! (mrphh!)

Jason NAY uncle! I have decided to become king after all-especially after spending the last three months at sea with that...THING!!!

Fleece Hey!!!

(Jason grabs crown of Pelias)

Pelias HEY!!!

Jason Besides, we took a vote...

All crew KILL IT!!!

Jason Nay...

Hops Well, at least let me cut some bits off of it!

Jason SHH!!! We will put the fleece on display here in the castle. Thou mayest look after it , uncle! Now, if thou dost need me, WE will be relaxing in the nubile slave girl tent!

Medea (Laughing evilly)NO!!!

Jason Thou will be my first and only, me love! Farewell, Uncle!

All (Medea in the lead, shouting at the rest) AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!!

(All exit except for Uncle and Fleece. They both look very unhappy. Then the sheep looks at the uncle in that...special...way)

Fleece Saaay... Thou dost look like MY type!!!

(Chases Uncle through audience while chattering at him)

CLOSING SONG

We hope you thought our actors were full of skill and power
Or at least that you were comfortable while wasting half an hour
And now you may all shower us with laughing and with cheers
The play was really funny, if you had a dozen beers
Now go ye hence straight unto the bar
For the more you drink, the funnier we are.

THE END

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