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Author's Note: The character 'The Shamenka' was created by Shamenka and is being used with her permission.
Xander and Wesley had traveled all morning and well into the
afternoon without saying more than a dozen words to each other.
The silence wasn't strained or uncomfortable, they were both
caught up in their own thoughts, contemplating events past,
present and future.
When they had entered California, Xander felt his heart lurch.
He knew that the past feelings between Wesley and himself were
tender and loving compared to his past with Angel. He had not
only been rude and nasty to Angel, he had been downright hateful.
Not to mention that he had been responsible for sending Angel to
hell for centuries.
If it weren't for the welfare of his baby, Xander wouldn't
consider asking Angel for anything. Not out of a dislike for
Angel but out of a sense of shame for his own actions. He knew
that he was justified in one or two of his actions but for the
most part he had acted out of jealousy, anger, and eventually,
habit.
Now he had to stand before the one being on all the planet who
had the most reason to want him to suffer. He had to stand before
him and ask for his help. When they entered Los Angeles, Xander
could feel a little tremble start deep inside himself. He
couldn't explain exactly what the feeling was. Dread? Fear?
Humiliation? Whatever it was, it was only going to grow stronger,
the closer they got to Angel.
Finally they arrived at the Hyperion hotel. Xander got out of
the car and looked up at the building. An old style building,
grand majesty, the building had a dignity that comes only with
age. Xander cradled his egg close to his chest as he followed
Wesley closely into the hotel.
The inside of the hotel was even more majestic. Everything in
sight was obviously from the days when this was a functioning
hotel. Modernization had a way of creeping into places like this
and destroying them in the name of progress. Xander had a special
feel for this sort of thing since his construction work days. He
could appreciate the craftsmanship that went into this place.
At the sound of movement in the lobby, Angel came out of his
office. Xander glanced at him and cast his eyes to the floor. He
couldn't, just couldn't face him.
"You made good time." Angel said conversationally, then did a
double take. "Your eye... you had lost your eye... didn't they
say it was gone?"
"Yes, it... um... grew back." Xander said nervously and looked
at Wesley.
Angel noticed the nervousness and decided to change the
subject, "Xander, I'm guessing that you're tired after your long
trip. I'll get you settled into a room so you can rest, and we
can talk later."
"Let's get your luggage in, and I'll be on my way." Wesley
said, it was obvious that he didn't want to stay any longer than
necessary.
Xander nodded and followed Wesley outside to the car.
As Wesley was opening the trunk, Xander placed his free hand
on Wesley's arm to get his attention.
Wesley looked up to see the pensive expression on Xander's
face.
"Wesley, I just wanted to thank you again for going all that
way to help me. I want you to know that I really do appreciate
you going out of your way for me when you had no reason to. If
there is ever any way I can repay you, please let me know."
Xander said shyly.
"Alexander, I am truly amazed by how much you've grown since
we last met. I must admit that I held to my old notions of you
and didn't consider that you could have changed. You did. You are
growing into a respectable man who I would be proud to call a
friend." Wesley said seriously.
Xander was surprised by Wesley's declaration, when only the
previous evening he had said that he couldn't trust him to make a
promise. "Thank you Wesley, but, if you don't mind my asking, why
the change?" Xander asked, confused.
"During our trip here you've demonstrated that you can think
of someone other than yourself, you have regret for past actions,
you have shown honesty, trust, and a willingness to invest effort
into building a friendship. With you willing to go to such
lengths for me, I could hardly do any less in return. Now, let's
get these bags into the hotel." Wesley said with a somber
smile.
They took the suitcases into the hotel, Wesley carrying two
and Xander carrying one with one arm and the egg with the other.
Once inside, Angel led them to a room on the second floor where
Xander could get some rest, and tend to his egg.
As Wesley and Angel walked away from Xander's room, Angel
asked, "What happened to him? The old Xander would have insulted
me twelve times by now. He couldn't even bring himself to look at
me."
"It seems he recently realized that he isn't the center of the
universe." Wesley said quietly, considering his words
carefully.
"How do you mean?" Angel asked, confused.
"When we knew him before, he seemed to think that he could
treat people anyway he wanted without consequences. I think he
realizes how badly he treated the people around him and he is
feeling ashamed. I don't know what past you have between you, but
it seems that he regrets his actions toward you."
Angel considered his past with Xander and knew that they would
be having quite a talk later. When they reached the lobby, Angel
made his way toward the office as Wesley headed for the door.
"Thank you, Wesley." Angel called out.
Wesley stopped and turned to see Angel's form retreating into
the office.
Considering the nature of friendship, Wesley continued out the
door.
Xander made his way downstairs, with his egg held carefully in
his arms. As he entered the lobby, he saw a man that he hadn't
met before.
Gunn considered the man before him. Angel had said that
someone from Sunnydale was coming to stay. The man seemed timid,
and was carrying something protectively in his arms.
"Hello, I'm Charles Gunn. You must be Xander." He said
cautiously.
"Yes, nice to meet you Mr. Gunn." Xander said quietly as he
walked up and extended a hand.
"Call me Gunn. Everyone does." Gunn said, shaking Xander's
hand and giving a surreptitious glance at the bundle in Xander's
other hand.
"Okay Gunn, is Angel around? He said that he wanted to talk to
me when I woke up." Xander asked with some distraction.
"He's in his office, over there." Gunn said and pointed behind
the check-in desk.
Xander nodded and made his way to Angel's office.
He knocked on the doorframe of the open office door.
"Come in Xander. Have a seat." Angel said from behind his
desk.
Xander made his way into the room and took a seat. He glanced
at Angel and cast his eyes to the floor, feeling the shame wash
over him again.
Angel noticed Xander's subdued attitude and recalled Wesley's
words from earlier. "I think we have a few things to talk about
before we discuss your current situation." Angel said in a
comforting tone.
Xander nodded his head and braced himself for the task,
"Angel, there are a lot of things that I need to say, but the
first is to tell you how sorry I am about the way I treated you
in Sunnydale. I could give you a thousand excuses for how I acted
but the truth behind them all is that I was jealous of your
relationship with Buffy. I wanted her for myself and I thought
that I was better than you because I was human and you weren't."
And with that declaration Xander gave an ironic chuckle.
Angel only responded with silence. Xander continued, "I guess
that's not a problem now, I'm not human anymore, I don't know
what I am..."
Xander didn't know how Angel was going to take his next
admission, but he felt that it had to be said. If this was going
to work, he had to be honest with everyone, including himself.
"When Angelus tried to open Acathyla, I didn't tell Buffy that
Willow was trying to restore your soul... so it's my fault that
you were sent to hell." Xander said in a near whisper.
Angel was shocked. He hadn't known about that and rage started
to boil up within him. He could feel himself starting to shift
into his demon visage. He knew that within moments the ability to
reason might be beyond him. In a tightly controlled voice he
said, "I think you'd better go upstairs for a while. We can talk
again later."
Angel got up from his chair stiffly and made his way out of
the office, careful to avoid looking at Xander.
After a moment, Xander got up from his chair and went back to
his room. He could tell that Angel had to let his emotions cool
before they could talk again.
Angel knocked on the door of the room that he had assigned to
Xander. It had been nearly a full day since Xander had told Angel
that he had been responsible for the centuries of torture that he
had endured. Angel's first instinct was to kill the boy, slowly,
over a number of days. Then after a little thought he resigned
himself to just throwing the boy into the street. Finally he had
come to the point where he could at least listen to what else he
had to say before deciding what to do next.
Xander opened the door cautiously. "Angel, come in." He said
timidly, stepping back to allow Angel entrance to the room.
Angel walked in and noticed that Xander immediately went to
the bed and picked up his egg.
"I came to finish our talk, I assume that there is more that
we need to talk about." Angel said as he watch Xander caressing
the egg with a wet towel.
"I think everything is out in the open, that was the only
secret. All that's left is for me to say that I'm sorry, and for
us to decide what to do next." Xander said, keeping his eyes
firmly on his egg.
"I won't lie. I'm mad as hell at you and there's a big part of
me that wants to cause you pain, and not all of it is Angelus. I
also thought about throwing you out into the street. I'm still
not sure that I won't." Angel said with more than a little anger
in his voice.
"I understand. If you want us to leave, just say the word and
we'll never bother you again." Xander said steadily.
"First, tell me what you want from me, and we'll see if it's
something that I am willing to do." Angel said without
emotion.
"I was hoping that you could get me into the demon community
so I can take care of my baby. I need to make sure that the baby
is healthy, and I need a job. I suppose that I'm also going to
need something like demon daycare, too." Xander said while gazing
at his egg lovingly.
Angel realized that Xander was here for the sake of his baby.
Even though he felt some hatred for the boy, he couldn't deny
what was the right thing to do, and he would do it.
"I'll see to the doctor. And I'll have Lorn come and talk to
you about getting a job. He has contacts throughout the demon
community and can find something for you. As far as the daycare,
we can work that out as we need to." Angel said emotionlessly,
then continued with some venom in his voice, "Don't think I'm
doing this for you, this is for Spike's child. You can stay here,
and I'll provide food and shelter for you for the baby's
sake."
Xander kept his eyes firmly downcast and said, "Thank you for
your help Angel, I promise that we'll be out of here as soon as
we can."
Angel was about to get up and leave when he heard a rumble
from Xander's stomach. "Have you eaten since you arrived?" He
asked.
Xander shook his head.
"Go down to the kitchen and get something to eat. There's some
human food in there."
Xander nodded and got up to leave.
Angel also got up and preceded Xander out the bedroom
door.
Angel found himself knocking on Xander's door. Three days had
passed since Xander and Angel had their talk. Xander stayed in
his room, coming out for food around noon each day. He would go
to the kitchen, prepare the food, and take it with him to his
room. None of the other members of Angel investigations had seen
him since the day he had arrived.
Xander opened the door and said timidly, "Hello Angel." Not
knowing what else to say.
"I have a doctor here to check out the baby, please come
downstairs." Angel said and walked away.
Xander picked up the egg and left the room. As he descended
the stairs, he noticed a lavishly dressed woman standing in the
center of the lobby. He walked up to her and looked to Angel, to
be introduced.
"Here is the egg we need you to look at." Angel said, ignoring
the disapproving look from the woman.
She held her hands out to Xander. He looked into her less than
human face and saw the tenderness, knowledge and wisdom of years.
He unwrapped the egg and carefully handed it to her.
She saw the anxious look in his eyes and said, "Do not worry,
I am The Shamenka. Among my people I am priest, prophet, doctor,
and counselor."
Then she held the egg to her bosom, took a deep inhale of
breath and closed her eyes. A low humming started in her throat
and she began to rock. After a few minutes she stopped and opened
her eyes. With a large smile on her face she handed the baby back
to Xander.
She looked toward Angel and the smile dropped off her face.
"Let us go into the lounge where we can sit."
Angel led the way into the lounge and waited for The Shamenka
to be seated.
"The baby is perfectly happy and healthy, you are doing a fine
job...?" she said in such a way as to inquire Xander's name.
"Xander, ma'am." he said shyly.
"Xander, you have done well by your child and should expect
the birth in about seven days. Do you have any questions for me?"
She asked in a friendly tone.
"What is my baby, I mean what species?" Xander asked
nervously.
"The baby is a combination of it's parent's, of course. Tell
me of the baby's other parent." She said in a curious tone.
Xander thought about Spike for a moment then began, "He was a
Master Vampire, the Grand Childe of Angelus I think." He looked
at Angel and received a grudging nod.
"He was my friend, he cared enough to tell me some ugly truths
about myself. He died his final death less than two weeks ago, he
sacrificed himself to seal the hellmouth of Sunnydale." Xander
said with tears in his voice.
As The Shamenka reached across the table to pat his hand she
noticed Angel's look of disgust focused on Xander.
Xander calmed down and thought about his next question.
"Can you tell me what I am?" Xander began when Angel
interrupted. "She is here for the baby, not for you."
"Liam Jude Matthew Gilligan O'Rourke! How dare you treat any
person living or dead with the disrespect that I have seen here
today! You may think you are justified in your anger, whatever it
is, but you are only succeeding in diminishing yourself in the
eyes of everyone around you." The Shamenka said with righteous
indignation.
"No." Xander said, "He has every right to feel the way he
does. I did something unforgivable to him, so please don't be
upset with him for feeling angry."
The Shamenka looked from the pleading eyes of Xander to the
angry eyes of Angel and said, "Isn't it amazing that this young
one has reached such a level of maturity in barely more than
twenty years when you have yet to achieve it in nearly 250?"
A questioning look fell across Angel's face. Then dawning
comprehension. [He hurt me, so I wanted to hurt him back. Maybe
that was a little immature.] Angel thought to himself, then
continued. [Wesley already told me that he had changed, I could
see it myself, and yet when I got angry, I turned into a
rapacious spoiled brat.]
"Xander, I'm..." Angel began.
"Angel, don't worry about it, I already said that I understand
and I don't blame you." Xander said reasonably.
The Shamenka got up as if to leave when Xander asked, "What
about the baby, please tell me what it is and what I am."
"Any answer I could give you would be inadequate because there
has never been anything like you or your baby before." The
Shamenka said haltingly.
"I don't understand." Xander said, obviously confused.
"Looking back through history, everything had a first. The
first milkshake, the first basketball, the first tomato.
Everything that exists today had a first. You, are a first as is
your child." She said carefully.
Xander sat in shock, his mind was racing with a million
questions but there wasn't a single question that could make it's
way above the others before she continued.
"Oh, get over yourself, I'm not talking messiah or anything.
Don't make more out of this than there is. It just means that you
are what you are, as is your child. There hasn't been a label
made to classify either of you yet. You may be the patriarchs of
new species that will one day fill the earth to overflowing, or
you and your child may be the first and last of your kind. Either
is a possibility, I suspect the reality will fall somewhere in
between." The Shamenka said knowingly.
The Shamenka got up from her chair and made her way out of the
lounge and into the lobby. Before leaving she said, "Just a piece
of advice, have a little extra blood handy for when the baby is
born."