This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the US. The bank thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place seven or eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud t hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the
following changes. First, I have
noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted
by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become. From
now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank,
by cheque, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offence under
the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows about me, there
is no alternative. Please note that
all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice
of the Peace, and that the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income,
debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with
a PIN number which he/she must quote
in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have modelled it on the
number of button presses required to access my account balance
on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by
introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is
very much like yours.
My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guide through an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room
in case I am there; Extension of
living room to be communicated at the time
the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom
in case I am sleeping. Extension of bedroom
to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in
case I am attending to nature. Extension
of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone
in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer.
To leave a message a password to
access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later
date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen
carefully to options 1 through 10.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:......."Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for" After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the
matter of cost. As your bank has often
pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost - a cost which you have always been quick
to pass on to me. Let me repay
your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter
of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20
per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact
will be billed at $5 per
minute of my time spent in response. Any
debits to my account, as, for example,
in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be
passed back to you. My new phone service runs
at 75 cents a minute (even Woody
Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to
keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting
up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client.
Submitted by Monique Reilly, 18/5/2000