meat everywhere, everything fried
the grocery store has nectarines and yogurt
the chocolate is better than israel's
the turbulence sucked
the dancing was good, the partners varied
singing on the bus and train from Karlstejn castle
the yellow Zofin - they waxed the floor, asparagus and cream
jazz night and silly Alexander
the strudel was filling, one step lags
dance history and tango from richard
masquerade from phillipe
light rye bread and ketchup on the spaghetti
dancing down the pub's narrow aisle
(since when is bacon vegetarian?)
12 crowns to ride the tram for an hour, 3 for the bathroom
hot and humid, 2 duvet covered comforters
borden sure can sulk
7/8/01:epitaph
a sudden death
death in the family
i can read the book
its words clear and concise
what was is no more
my heart says no
one day we played and laughed
some things good, some things rough
i never saw the sickness
next day what was is no more
i didn't even see it
my shattered heart
i can still see your face
it grows harder as time fades
i remember your arms
they held me close
everything safe betrayed
emotions rampant
i just want it gone
nail the coffin shut
6/25/01
a new set of boys
a wealth of dancing
a good run, a lapse, and now?
too early to tell
some things should go away
get lost and stay lost
some things are stubborn
i should be better than that
i wish
5/5/01:Maybe
a strange beginning
good things
bad things
it's a wonder thingy
(afterall, we've been there, done that SO many times)
still we're well behaved
a good thing
and then the bad
a tale of shattered hearts
and hearts
not that it's anything new to mankind
or womankind
and honestly, none because of anything bad in me
one to children and marriage
blessings be
one to his inherent flaws
i just didn't expect it like this
and it still hurts
puddles of tears
a brief moment of maybe
and an old friendship at least repaired to some extent
but no magic lives there
i'm grateful for what i have
but i don't cross enough
the difference is enough
i hear celibacy is a good thing
and love a dream
4/22/01: Italy
so many memories
less smoking, colder weather, guys not hitting on us
because we were together, or looked native, or pasqua?
snuggles but nothing til the end
strange beds, baths, toilets
cannoli, tiramisu, chocolate, gelati, gnocchi, fruit (do we pick it up or do they?)
paying for water and bags and cover
a smoky dance club, full of well dressed goths who lit up on the sardine floor
milano, roma, napoli, paestum, pompeii, firenza, bergamo
we almost made cinca terre
huddled under the bergamo arch in the hail
too much sweets the last two days
(we'll see how we do from here, but it'd be nice...)
trying to sleep cuddled on the ride there
12.5 miserable hours on the ride back
and starving to boot - bring food on the italian flights!
and don't even look for the juice in the restaurants
art everywhere
that sickly sweet baroque church in bergamo
use the smaller backpack next time
3/19/01: aftermath
i didn't expect it
you were mercurial for everyone else...but me
i guess so many exceptions, so many proofs
didn't change truth
once you abandoned
that strange pedestal you'd placed me
now I'm one of many
it's not like we made many promises
but we made a few
i didn't get a hint or say
just empty, questions
that's ok
i have quiet rooms to cry
3/15/01: On awakening
spring's floral perfume
smiles deliciously close
it's time to wake up
3/13/01: Welcome to the now
i think of you
bittersweet memory
your arms
warm,
enfolding,
HERE
it hurts
who'd have thought
just a few weeks ago
so taken for granted
now tears me apart
addiction sucks
I didn't expect it this way
do we ever?
after a month's neglect
broken days, broken nights
and then no affirmation
well I can take a hint too
just don't string it out
I warr'nt better'n that too
2/25/01: Another lie
I look at where I am
and I hate it
-at least in this
so, no -
it's not all roses
its glistening facade reeks
putrid
foul
do I lie
or just give up?
repeat
ad nauseum
1/3/01: where beauty lies
a beautiful first
the crush always overpow'rs
then the foolish burn
1/3/01: Exorcism
I see black angel wings
Overlooking ashen grey
Air filled with soot
Cloying, choking, growling
I cannot breath
Cannot think
Cannot be
Sing me a new song
I’m tired of this one
4 years old? 5?
A spoiled child
I should have drowned it
The murky moat
Fetid and foul
That would have been the place
The longer it lives, the longer it will
The more it takes over
Possesses
Controls
Thralls
Perhaps it’s good after all
I buried that knife long ago
But I remember
1/3/01: old resolutions
well it's not like I expected
any artificial turning of a calender
a raucous party, a lonely cold night
surrounded by many, friends and by-sights
drunk all
high on life and whatever else
I was lost in the sea
so, yeah
why did I even hope
(I really didn't expect afterall)
2 days in,
and it's all the same
I'd be so much demon-fodder by now
I'm too stupid to even understand
clueless
a wind swept mesa
alone I stand
forever vista
burning yard
rotting garbage
steaming manure
festering waste
it's all mine
something for even me to embrace
useless me
depression now
shit later
12/11/00:
so i'm not sure if you're supposed to put what a friend says in
conversation
on an online journal, but if it's anonymous, i suppose it's just as well...
it's my journal afterall
and anonymity is as it is
they said:
it was a complex evocation, trying to capture a lot of things
they described me as a force of nature, like a breeze
ephemeral, mild, unstoppable, hard to control beyond a momentary point
that goes with your style of loss
as though it's something that surfaces occasionally
12/10/00 Spiraling down the drain
I see my future
after how many years
over and over
a tease that this time it's over
what a joke
I'm the court's fool
laugh at my motley
sour stench and all
egg shells abound
crack snapple pop
are you bored yet?
I am
11/1/00: Cycles
going nowhere fast
same old thing
the road passes by
a tarry smell
an untied shoe
crumpled shirt
cluttered like me
obsessions, compulsions
hell, just bad habits
i knew better
i know better
same old whine
are you tired of it yet?
I thought a hand harp
dancing in the dark
melody line weaving
ladies' interlace
between oaken trees
do druids care?
it's cold here
lying in the still dark grove
the pool growing growing
sticky and warm - yet I'm so cold!
til the shivering ends
will it be better then?
10/1/00 after rejection
and i thought, here goes
the precipice beckons, smiles
if only for wings
9/18/00: a month later
so i have had a few good days
perhaps i'll be finally tired enough of it all
to put it away
for good
well, i can hope
it has to end sometime, and hopefully not with the very end
i have better things to do than that
even i deserve better than that
the man burned beautifully
it was definitely an experience
and as long as distractions reign, worth doing again
i always did have a short attention span with some things
and the crush of grapes a sour thing
sweet at first, but the novelty wears thin in the face of angst
i can do without all that
solid sleep sits better
enough for now
8/18/00: review
and so the day to day is less tedious
and downright good now
dancing and horses and perhaps some gym climbing....
a jaunt in the desert to regret
new friends and old friends and broken bridges repaired
well some
at least there is only one that is shattered and unlikely to fly again
no long term goals needed
I think only age will throw that in my face
and even after 35 it's not truly bad
the worst thing still spits ichor
sometimes daily
travel is a good thing
I am so fucking clueless
the sad thing is I know
no end in sight
the one who knows perhaps forgotten?
anyroad, there it is
no real paycheck yet
but reality on this side is just a little better rested
a little closer to the warmth
all in all, not too bad
7/19/00:post grad
so here we are
and it feels no different
no lightening realizations
no stabbing doubts
no rainbows
no gold pots
who'd think
that after all of this
would be mundania
(albeit it's good and not dusty)
and yet even that doesn't amaze
I've no passion
I've no lust
the same flaws sicken
the same hopes flicker
faintly faintly
somehow through a garbage heap
they died under it
6/1/00: bitter
I resent how it has taken over
my life is mine
or was
i sold it for a sweet tooth
greedy foolish child
so banish me to a dark hold
starve me of light
beat me bloody
(no, this isn't a kink)
the future was bright
we deserved
if not better
than at least a hope
the demon sucked me up
weaklings de jour
5/29/00: Prayer
and will I be brave?
keep the evil out
slam the door
kick out
bash its face
nail it there
where it hurts
(it hurt me....)
a true dream,
or denial?
5/29/00: Memories of
I was alive
caught in the rapture
of a musical note
so close!
I could see the sweat,
the gleaming white
sensuous lips
here!
flying high
crooning at the starlight
two hands on my waist,
one on my shoulder-
friends are nearby
with velvet touch
and warmer hearts
basking in the now
basking in the glory
I was there!
alive
....
sing me a sweet song
I'm caught up
swirl on a flat floor
surrounded
it's everywhere
I came for this
I float in this
I'm forever
and this would be
-heaven-
playing in starlit dark
sweeping
flying
singing
it's here!
and my heart
explodes
4/21/00
it was all going so well
and then a flicker started
just an innocent hint
and a large dose of denial
easier seen now than then
barely a membrance of evil time past
until that day
inauspicious day
for some unknown
it reared it's ugly head
pounded all held dear
all hope and trust
all confidence
once again we're back where we started
all because a remembered word?
maybe
maybe it was inevitable
a tease in the quiet
I didn't ask for this
I don't want this
really
2/20/00
so it's one of those shitty collections of days
it's been a long time since I cried
I'd almost wondered if I remembered how
at least I didn't to her face
rejection and failure are such dismal things
so visceral
hopeless all
I even contemplated things left best unsaid
but it was only a fleeting thought
I'm self destructive but not like that
it's been so long a cheerful stretch
and whether I'm there or not, it'll be on the outside
I can't fix not existent things by creating them
screw them anyways
real people would get angry
I'm just warped
so curl up with bear in arms, music and candle
it's ok to cry here
1/31/00: Lost
another day
the sky crying again
I forgot how to
-who would have thought
after years of practice
part of growing up
saying goodbye to never never land
I suppose it is better
-you can't move in the adult sphere that way
and the years and body have voiced so
there's grey in my hair afterall-
but just a few
it's only dawning on that
and I'm still buried
after an olympiad of frustrations
or thereabouts
(we all exaggerate now and then)
flush the resolutions
I make my nightly plans
blindly after the dawn
mea culpa, mea culpa
we addicts are all alike
1/4/00: y2k
when did their hair turn so stark
first it was bright
i was just a child
meaningless memories of parties and chats
they were all a competition
it's funny now, looking at the puddle pile
or sharing time
and we ponder where it went to
when the spiders started weaving
and school days became no more than hazy afterthoughts
taxes and mortgages and groceries and diapers
the future hinted at, through the foggy night
I'll live in the now
12/16/99: report card
over two weeks
relatively well behaved
actually, compared to the past, we're golden
a shining brand
if only the memory didn't scorch still
and i'm scared it'll all go back
tumbling helplessly down a well of moldy walls
dank fetid dimness
we'll see i s'pose
and perhaps one day i'll even fess up
now there's one hard to imagine
you have to feel comfortable with it first
have it nicely tucked away
bedded down on soft flannel sheets
cozy and warm
yeah, i can really see that
right now i'd just like to get me there
11/21/99: birthday aftermath
well look at me now
a shrink, a habit unchanged, a moody head
rotting inside
rotting outside
the worms run in and the worms run out
I don't believe in zombies
and they in me?
I couldn't tell you what I want
yeah, I know, that's a normal thing
the human condition
and all that jazz
it ends with a slap
in the face?
across the eyes?
(I'm so proud with all that)
still, you have to have something
it's a bucket of vomit
sweet and fetid
grody to the max
I just wish
put me out to pasture
shoot me up
high or low
does it really matter
we're all crumbling
in the end
forget armageddon
millenium for losers
it's here that'll get you
sit on the cold floor
stare down the candle
cry inside
quietly
you succeeded there
10/4/99
4 months to heal
a silver ring
locked with indigo bead
such promise
now lost and abandoned
4 months to heal
no cure there
sick in the head
sick in the mind
sick in the heart?
I'm too out of touch for that
just heartsick with all of this
riddle me that
I should be too old for this
a sewer fuming and churning
rotten inside and out
moldy mildew makes me morbid
I had a dream
all scarred now
9/30/99: opportunities
I see a dusky hand
beckoning from the shadows
swallowed in hidden dark
blackness all around
it fills my mouth
bittersweet
mystery
full of allegory
and potent with portents
a brave new world
promise or threat
reach out if I dare
a night road
headlights out
you just go on
forget the rest
hands everywhere
9/22/99: closure
the time gave me some
i know what love is
maybe it wasn't that ideal I had before
but i can't deny what I feel
and if it weren't for the pain it caused, I'd try again
to see what it was
the first time, I think I figured that one out
double standards and opened eyes
the second - well it started up too early
and perhaps it should never have been
you wanted it so much
and it hurt to see you hurt
and while I did not know what I felt, there was something there
an irresistable pull, a tie still
but it didn't work
and the bad vibes bounced both ways
fed off of each other
and yes, I couldn't bear your depression
I see that now that it is gone
but can I guarentee that that is all that was wrong?
*bitter laugh at such a thought*
I'm barely out of denial about my own addictions
maybe i still don't know how to keep a relationship
although after how many months we had, you'd think that had been resolved
but I can still control my emotions enough that you didn't see me weep
so there is something there
i suppose
tears have no place where you have wept so much
and where I spent decades of a young life unable to escape them
so there it is
2 months since I slept with anyone, 4 months since you
and so little interest in between
my attempts at a relationship only brought you to my thoughts
but that's what night shifts are good for
keeping you from screwing with 2 lives
it's a good thing
perhaps it would be different if i even knew what it was all about
i just know what i feel now
8/27/99:
another night
running, sitting, stressed, bored inadequate, inexperienced
or just people variation
gritty sandy eyes assaulted by the dawn glow and the burning orb hanging
monstrous dancing above the horizon
bloody fuschia in a smoky sky the predawn gone and a fey cloudy sultry summer
day begins again but I stumble for bed
7/7/99:4th summer
hot summer nights stagnate
if I lived on water would it slim these curves
keep the porcelein away
the priests blessed the holy water
I don't believe in gods
or goddesses or souls
no cruifix no sanctuary
no one to forgive my sins
they're all mine
hopefully I won't die for them
heaven is what we make
I visit hell daily
with short vacations
time for good behavior
sometimes it is more than just ganas
I'm such a weak shit
6/25/99
i like beauty - in poses and lines, in colors and nature,
in generosity and love - platonic and lustful
i love dancing and being free to move how the music calls
and in following the order of an old tradition -
the moves of ballet, and jazz combination, the quick feet of tap
and the sharing and interaction and play of partner dancing
i like sunrises and sunsets equally
i long to sleep in and wake up with someone next to me
with expectations and without
I horseback ride and rock climb and rollar blade
i love the exhausted feeling after working out
reading mindless entertainment
discovering new ways of doing things
or learning why things work the way they do
remembering forgotten things
singing and writing (bad) poetry
having friends to share with
and being alone
having responsibility and having none
is that a long enough list?
6/20/99:eulogy
cold
windswept
battered
this empty plain
barren
frigid
now
shiver a tale
a wondrous being
green and golden
a hug and a kiss
and arms wrapped 'round
now bleached
white
corpse for the maggot
or what's left
it doesn't matter though
she's not here anymore
should i mourn
or rant
abandoned
angry
lost
and now?
6/9/99:bedtime prayer
come little one
with baby soft fur
and fine agile claws
a whisper of a breath
and a rough tongue too
pink and playful
come cuddle here
I have some catnip
sweet and inviting
come chase them away
grind them in a corner
and keep me safe
6/9/99: rings
such fragile flowers
gossamer silk
they stick if you touch them
tear
shred
crumble
a shattered dream
and it was barely a blow of air
not even a thought
an unintentioned intention
just some hideous stream of conscious
I wonder if that makes it better
or worse
on the sticky ground
scarlet linoleum is all the rage
(at least for a short while)
my hip cocked so
i can't feel my leg anymore
and the chill throughout
but it was tingly before
is that better?
a small child flings sand
it sweeps in happy abandon
catching bright sun off clear crystal grains
a chortle of rainbow glee
strands of angel hair carelessly hang
about glittering eyes
naively shine
it's just some wretched memory
all bitter and brackish
no sweetness here
I walk the edge
an agony of
self-hate
a drown of repudiation
5/17/99:prose
misery is in the eye of the beholder
it's all relative
on the one hand it's difficult to claim hardship
when they're paralyzed from that stray bullet or errant car
when they're 24 and dying painfully of cancer
when their mother just had the stroke that will change everyone's life
or their baby chose today to stop breathing
yeah
it's kinda hard looking into their faces
but that being said
I still feel lost and empty
and it has nothing to do either way with Kosovo or cancer
it's burning and choking and starry eyes
(no this is not a Van Gogh, although the colors of turmoil....)
so forgive me if I choose
just for a few
to be that crying child buried in a sea of legs
beyond being brave
too terrorized to formulate a thought of 'what if'
just monochromatic emotion
alone, empty, no answers
but no questions
misere
5/5/99:
well I suppose in some ways i'm doing better
some things happen less frequently
but still happen
i thing celibacy might be a good thing
yes laugh as you will
some things aren't meant to be, aren't worth it
you have to figure out what's important and why
i think i've recovered from high school scars
and that was part of the point, wasn't it?
the leach is gone
...wherever - i don't care
we lose tract of our friends so easily
even the ones we shouldn't
i'll just float and see
alone works
i'm my own enemy anyways
- might as well see if i can finally manage to clean house
at least a few corners
let's be a little realistic after all
4/22/99: Haven
*sigh*....
it's a warm nesty thing
dark, not glaring
private, not staring
soft and enfolding
a kiss on a forehead
a stroke down a spine
a tummy well fed
a hug all mine
swirling soothing sounds
subtly scented air
a hideaway from the nasties
don't think of that
4/7/99: Rejection
empty pit
desolate barren faceless place
its only substance the loathsome lonely wind
stands alone otherwise
no voice no song no dance
no warm arms to encircle
cradling 'gainst hopeless thoughts
no soft kisses to chase
away the sleeptime monsters
no bright smiles to perk away listless staring eyes
impotent rage tears the chest
tosses the warm beating heart
onto dusty choking earth
stomps it apart
knives needn't apply
3/11/99: Lost
standing on a beach
left the gun at home
my hands hang lifeless
brushing naked thighs
thick with blood
menstrual
arterial
I'm so high I could fly
run from the pink hint
on this eastern horizon
like the grey gull,
hopping on one leg
dirty, frayed, matted
I'll jump to the sky and soar away
forget the frigid tide
stirring red sand, iron and salt
will Charon take this 'stead of gold?
row me away
3/9/99:
go wash your face
but it isn't better
the acrid taste, the itchy taughtness,
that all flushes down, whirlpools through the stained drain
bitterness remains
a moldy corpse dripping debris
rust flecks putrifying
rotting limbs detaching
you could eat it with a spoon
necrotic liquefication
I'll defecate to that
go cry in a corner
your little girl frock all tattered and ripped
we do this to ourselves
like pigs to the slaughter
don't snivel here
it's all pushed ahead or behind it's a lazy time
3/2/99: first dare
it's dark
but not enough
I watch the shadowy figures
writhing, reaching - silent screams
spark of paste jewels and metal chains
the gory lights blood stained garish
and if i don't look up
they will not see me
and if i down cast my eyes
i won't exist
so I huddle in my corner
anonymous on a wooden chair
the thudding in my chest a war
skittish heart or thundering bass?
scary scary
alone in the dark
a frog jumped
he sits on my throat
enemy croak
the shrieking muse cast me naked
exposed on this heartless shore
I'll shove her in a closet
with walls of sound
and shut her up
dervish daughter
help me out
drug me up
forget the eyes
2/28/99: I feel like i've lost all of it
and i don't think i even care
maybe some small part of me does
but I can't feel it, can't touch it, can't grasp it
it's just not there
the past is such an elusive thing, something you mourn
something that occasionally intrudes with a bright or dismal image
it's such a tease
and everything distorted - why even bother
I guess the existentialists described it best
too bad there's no deity to make it worth...any of this
i just need to keep buried, working and not thinking
you can't feel the emptiness if you're too tired, too lost
those times in between just confuse
they offer no solace
ishn' na telleth?
something like that
I don't know what i want
if i even want anything
why would you bother with this
I may not be ugly but I have nothing to offer
not now, not to you not to myself
I don't know why I visit
the clubs to dance surly
I was better not-social
sitting in those quiet corners
at least I hurt myself less
I don't even know what i'm talking about
2/19/99: There's nothing better than being on call and sick as hell. No
voice? Try dictating stuff. Try washing you hands before and after every
patient (yes, perhaps you should always do that, but come on - you have to
have SOME skin left). Sleep? forget that - even if the pager shuts the fuck
up, you can't breathe, you can't sleep. Pointless!
And then, say good bye to all of the plans you had for the day off.
No sweet kisses, no enfolding hugs, no companionship, no beautiful faces and
shining eyes.
What a waste
Oh yeah - and did I say i felt crappier than hell?
2/4/99: It's funny how you totally lose track of time when you're working
your ass off. Today was the first where I wasn't tired. I love days off...a
chance to treat myself to lunch,go to the bookstore, work out and swim, and
then options for tonight. If only i didn't have to be up at 5
tomorrow...details details.
the rest all seems almost like a dream. Except for that sweet brief
interlude it is all a different world...almost forgotten. I want to dance to
swirly music, dress up, flirt and feel alive, share hugs and kisses
*sigh*
kisses come back?
ah well, none of that. One more week and then we'll see. And then it's
more of this. At least I like it, at least experience is paying off. I just
want to live a little more, that's all. Not too much to ask for, is it? Or
maybe it's just showing me I should go back to how it was before- it's not
all that bad after all; dreams are nighttime things (or daytime naps :) We'll
see.
1/18/99: and do you think it's going to get any better
dream on -
delusions all
-hopeless distant day
sunny and sickly sweet
strong arms
they curve 'round
-hold me tight!
sweet lips
on forehead
on lips
exciting hands
on my hips
and deep
searing
sweet
kisses come back
and do you think it's going to be any better
this empty careful bed
these dusty cupboards
cold and barren
colorless
no straying here
the litter box's full, kitty
it means nothing
1/6/99: welcome to the real world
I am distanced
I am alone
a case of skulls hiding memories
I shall not remember
see no evil, be none
wet on my cheek
salty ocean spray
burning
burning ashes grey
I'll wash it away with crystal water
sterile cold aloof
only betraying nightmares
chase me down cluttered cobbles
warm breathing living flanks
soft muzzle fur snuffling
the lid slams
fingers burn
briefly
forget
forget
die
12/23/98:last night - all screwed up
yes, I know - but what else is new?
sometimes i wish i could cry - I used to always and too much...and that'd
just cause more until it was an endless cycle
no wonder I'm so fucked up
maybe it would justify
at least it would feel better
catharsis - the greeks knew best
all those tragedies with a chorus for company
you have to wonder what kind of angst they had though....incest and murder
and and betrayal all
not my kind of problem
if only it would be so easy...I guess i should be grateful
we make our bed and sleep in it
whatever was i thinking
today - feel backwards again
of course I only really turned my back
the new year is soon upon us
i want a new bed, with down comforters and no angst
with soft arms to fold over me
and take the demons away forever
i left my sword elsewhere
how could I have been so stupid
never drop your guard, never start what you don't want to live
and never give up hope
just take control, make a stand
hang yourself over a slow fire until the blood tears run
I want to start over a new life
before that horrid day
would I have to do it all again though?
maybe a quick knife instead....
12/19/98:you know it's going to be a bad one if you can't even motivate to
dance
a full room of beautifully dressed people, the Congress and all i can think
of is what happens if I spend the evening standing on the side watching every
one else having fun
what a waste
that's why you drag people to go with - they'll keep that kind of stuff
safely tucked away
hidden in the background
what a waste - of course, being tired, crampy, and hypoglycemic never helps,
but it would have been better to have gone
lost opportunities forever - at least the emotional ties fade as quickly as
the good
it has to make you wonder why we even bother then, it's all so transient, so
in the now - if we ended it, nothing would be of consequence
ties to people, bloody guilt
it seems to get me every time
12/13/98: today was just another day
it past by quickly/i wasn't too tired/i didn't think of anything inparticular
so gentle reader, i am sure you are wondering why I am wasting your time with
such mindless, boring, mundane drivel
I guess I'm just bored, and disgusted by the usual disgusts
I had promised they would go away - 2.5 weeks left and then the gates of hell
open
at least yesterday's pain is frozen away
maybe i won't be paying that heating bill afterall...
12/6/98: Gee Toto, this is looking like a broken record
maybe i should just write "ditto" with periodic weekly entries
pathetic pathetic pathetic
I should know better by now
hell - i do
denial?
I need a shrink....of course, I'd need time for a shrink first and then there
is the reality check
what would you do if you just found out you broke your back and you're
hurting and have had a ton of stuff happen and (the unknown) perhaps a ton of
stuff yet to come
it makes all of this just so trivial...
but you can't compare one person's misery to another
it's the experience of it
how you live it, feel it
does this make it any better, less painful, less horridly out of control?
no, but at least I can think and write and pretend once again that life is
from a totally different mentality
viewpoint
responsibility
but enough of this I could go on forever and a day, and say a lot about
nothing
it's all meaningless afterall
no one cares and nothing matters
na telleth
11/25/98: it's always interesting to see where people state their
childhoods "ended", actually it's probably more like when their
awareness of being an adult came in since I refuse to say my childhood ended,
but the point is that for me it was when my friends started to get sick and
die
young people that is who in their late teens and 20s get cancer
I'm lucky - i grew up in the "Leave it to Beaver" household and my
high school was so big that the people I hung out with were like me and we
really didn't know any of the gang bangers (and they weren't killing
themselves much anyway)so no violence, no violent deaths, just the usual,
easy life where bad grades and due dates were some of the biggest stresses of
our lives so we really didn't see much death, certainly not anyone young(and
yes, homelessness was the old man on the street who was drunk and drugs were
mostly TV-fodder)
I was gloriously naive
and then one got breast cancer...and she vanished and we kinda forgot
and then in college one got non-Hodgkins, and fought for a few years and
we saw how chemo ravaged her and how her dreams and plans and LIFE changed
and now a 21 year old dies of cancer too a beautiful dancer, a living
"perki" person her body a cachetic skeleton, her once shining eyes
dull(now dulled forever)her rotting body finally realizing itself
and these stupid drunks and users keep rolling into my ER, waiting for
Darwin to finally catch up to them
ya gotta love it
11/23/98: well...an online journal...
I think I flunked my diary ages ago, and now they give me one of these
thingies
so gentle reader, be ready for mindless drivel, run-ons, threads that make no
sense, references that (hopefully) I understand
but first, a big thank you to the light that makes me feel like i have a
place when things are quiet enough to let me think about all of this when the
nights(and days) turn deadly and the white is out of control, consuming
wildly and I stupidly follow and the consequences are always the same
I don't even feel the grayness anymore
you'd think I'd know by now (I do)
addiction is a terrible thing, no matter what it is
but I ramble (get used to it dearheart, it's a never-ending theme)
so where to go from here.....
well lots of plans, the only question being when and how I guess i'm going to
learn some programming despite myself if I want the web page to look like me
(a scary thought perhaps)
so if you've made it this far, welcome to my world - confusing, dark,
silly, and abandoned at places
Shea
I am having a bad day.
