Childhood |
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First years |
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I
was born in |
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My
father had a son, David, with his first wife, but she died when my half
brother was born, so my father had to take care of him
by
himself. It
took two years
before my father met
and
married my mother. They had four children: the first one, Simon, was
three years younger than David, a year later my sister Juana was born and
after two years more I did. Five years
later, my youngest sister was born. I’ll call her Maria. My father always
liked to play the guitar and
he sang
tipical songs.
His father was the music teacher in his
town and the director of the town band. That’s why my father could learn
something about music instruments. Despite he was a farmer, he
went to
school and lerned to read and whrite. Later, when my
father came to the big city, he could get jobs easily because he was good
with mathematics and reading books.
My
father worked as a Production Manager in a drug factory and my mother was a
housewife, but she also sold some things in her free time. They
made as
much
money as possible to afford at least a house, food and clothes. Despite the
poor conditions, I would say that we lived much better than the rest of the people
in the neighborhood. My
mother was descended from European. I knew that her father was a German man’s
son whose father was killed, so when he grew up, he was very poor and
illiterate. Her mother was a French People’s daughter. Her family lost their money
in
gambles and became poor and the new generations also illiterate. The
neighborhood where I was born was very well
known as
very
poor and for its low education. There were some immigrants from
around the globe and from the rest of the country. In this quarter everybody
spoke with an especial accent, so it was difficult to identify whether a
person was from here or not. It was
not rare to find people very different:
white, yellow, etc. The surnames helped you to know that there were foreign origins, for instance, my mother last name
was French. We
didn’t have many friends here because my parents didn’t like the people from
this place. There were many thugs,
muggers and drug
addicts in the neighborhood, so my parents avoided them as much as
possible. |
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An extrain message |
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I waked up one night, maybe at midnight or later, everybody were sleeping in the old house and I realized that the light was on.
" The light is on!" , I yielded, but nobody heard me. When I was about to speak again a voice interrupted me. I couldn’t hear exactly where the voice came from. I thought It came from the light.
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“What
is this voice?", I wondered. I was a four years old boy and I just thought
that it was related with God and Devil.
My parent told me that they were in some place where I couldn’t see
them. They were the kings of goodness
and badness, so I assumed that the voice might have been the Devil because
God did not do bad things. My
father was a catholic man who had read the whole Bible and he taught us his religion.
He had many religious images in the house, one of them I liked very much,
because Jesus Christ seemed to see you wherever you were. " Who are you?", I asked the voice.
"
Come
here,
come
here with me", the voice repeated again. Nowadays
I would die frightened due
a voice
like that, but I was too young to understand what
was happening.
"
No,
I don’t want to",
I
answered. It
never explained what
it wanted from me.
"
Well,
then you
will suffer a lot", the voice
finished. I
did not understand why my brother
sleeping beside me did not hear anything, he seemed
a stone. I forget about the voice and slept again. I
have always wondered what that voice was. No one else heard it, and nobody
heard me. Maybe I lost my mind for a moment or maybe it was just a dream. I
do not know, and there is no way to find out what happened that night, but I
can say that I remember that experience as something real and I would like to
have an explanation. During
all this years in my life, I have achieved good things but also I have been
in tough times as well. I like to solve problems and I almost always can find a solution. However, my life has
became more struggled little by little. Therefore, I have decided to publish
my bio, so I can help and join people struggling the same problem:
Gender
Identity. Nowadays, I think that maybe that voice, if it was
real, could have been God. But...
why he?; If God doesn’t do bad things. I think that he tried to avoid that I lived
with such a problem during my whole life.
Some time God makes some mistakes, for instance Down boys, Siamese twins, etc. Despite
that the majority of people may not understand that a child could have been
born as a boy but his mind is female, some serious research have found that two
or three persons into one thousand have this problem. When I was
Life can be a hell while your
fisical
gender
is different from your mind. You can feel that you are acting
in front others but you don’t know why.
Sometimes I have regret not doing what that voice asked me to do. Maybe I would have finished on time this
unpleasant life. |
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The first inconsistencies |
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I always thought that my life was normal during the first years of my
childhood; I played with my two brothers and my sister.
I was around five. I
played the most with my sister Juana, whose age was not too different from
mine, seven years old. For me it was
normal to play with anybody,
the gender
was not a problem for me. |
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Once, a sister’s friend came into our house to play with her and I join them too. I do not remember exactly what game we played. I think we were jumping a rope. I paid too much attention to their skirts. I stared at their legs and their female socks and shoes. Their clothes looked very good but my pants were awful. I think this was the first time I wanted to look like a girl. Of course, I knew something was wrong with me, but I felt an incredible attraction to wear those clothes until the next day. I did not go to school yet but my brothers and my sister did, so I was in the house with my mother the next morning but she had to go out to buy something. Then, when I was utter alone in the house, I took my pants off and looked for a skirt and some female socks. I found the socks but instead of a skirt I found a piece of fabric that I wore as a skirt. I saw pleasantly how it looked like. Suddenly I heard that the front door was opened, therefore I took the socks and the piece of fabric off and I hurled them away. It was my father who worked to close and asked me " Where's your mom?.
"I
don’t know" I
told him and I tried to explain why my pants were beside my bed:
"I
took my pants off because I
wanted to sleep", I
said. My father barely paid attention to me and asked me to tell my mother
that he had come home. I
started to study at school when I was six and my life seemed to
me like
normal except for that incident. In 1970 I met many boys and girls at school
but I do not remember filling physical attraction to them and I had never had
to worry about that. By
this time my mother wanted to earn additional money. For this reason, she studied
to become a nurse and later she started injecting medicine and saline
solutions to the sick people in the neighborhood. She also sold beauty articles (AVON)
by
catalog. One day I saw one picture at the front of one of
these catalogs and I felt
myself very attracted to the way three women looked like.
They were wearing fashion skirts just a little bit below their knees. I again had
the same felling: I wanted to know how it felt dressing like that.
Therefore, one day I hided myself, that was what I thought, and I took
my mother’s brown skirt and I
tried it on over my pants. Suddenly, I heard my brothers speaking, so I took
the skirt off very quickly. I went out of that room and I decided to go with
my mother to the next room. I found everybody there talking and laughing
about something else. I felt myself
more confident, so I backed to the place I was before and again I tried the
skirt on,
but this time I took my pants off to watch how it looked like. Unfortunately,
I hear another noise and I could glanced it was my brother David who was
peering
at me through a gap in the door. He ran to the next room and told everybody
what he saw. I changed my clothes as soon as
posible
and I went behind him. When I got with them they asked me:
"
Is
it true that you were wearing a skirt? |
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I am not sure that they believed me, but I think
that they did not realize the importance of this issue, after all, I was just a
little boy. |
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The dress |
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Time passed and I was already eight when again It
happened to me to have
female feelings. I had not had another experience like the skirt I described
before,until one day when I
was playing with my brothers and my sister hide-and- seek. There was
a big basket for clean and dry clothes that sometimes were to half, therefore
it was one of the favorite hiding places for everybody. I remember, at least a pair of times,
finding some nylon stockings inside the basket that attracted my attention. Despite it was
dark inside I could feel the clothes with my hands and the stockings were so
smooth that I could not resist feeling their texture in my feet. Then I
took my shoes and socks off and tried
on the stockings. Once they almost
found me doing this before I had got rid of the stockings, after that I tried to be more careful. |
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One day I found a flowered dress with a flounce. It
was nice and I had seen many girls wearing that kind of dresses, I think they
were fashioned. I liked very much how the girls looked like with a dress like
that one. Of course, this dress belonged to my sister Juana, but it was not
her size any more. I could see it was
exactly my size. I left the dress where I had found it and waited until I
were alone in the house to try it on. Many days
passed and I never had any time alone so I decided to go to a place in the
house where almost always nobody were there, a kind of warehouse. That day just my mother and I were in the
house, therefore I thought it was
the perfect time to do what I wanted,
what is more, what I did not resist doing.So, I took the dress and walked up
that ‘warehouse’, then I took all my clothes off and tried the dress on. It was a little difficult to zip the back
but I did it. Due there were no mirrors in that place, I looked
directly at myself and
I started spinning to see the shape I made with the
dress. I enjoyed this time very much, actually, it was the first time that I dressed utterly as a
woman. I wanted to go out and walk in the streets because I
wondered whether I could be seen as a girls or not. Of course I would not
asked the people if they thought whether
I was a boy or a girl. I just wanted to know if I could have walked in
the streets without problems as a normal girl, but my mine stopped me. I
thought that a neighbor could see me and teased about me, so I better forgot
the idea. |
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Suddenly I heard my father’s voice approaching this ‘warehouse’ and another voice from a friend of his. They entered into the room and they talked for a long time. I hid myself with my dress on and my boy clothes aside for almost half an hour, then I began to think that they could move where I was instead of going away. I was afraid, so I slowly change my clothes, left the dress aside and went out there. My father were surprised and asked me what was I doing there and I just answered "nathing" and I fled. I
left my father talking to that gay as if nothing had happened. “Huff, I’m
safe again!” , I thought. |
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Rejected |
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At the age of eight I felt that others boys rejected
me without a reason. I think that maybe it was due I was different from others, I mean, I just
could be different physically or maybe my behavior was not accepted. There
must have been something in me that others did not like. Some of my
classmates also had a similar problem
but I thought that I was the most rejected of all. |
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In those days
there were many government primary schools which were only “for boys” or ”for
girls” and in the
other schools that were
for both (girls and boys) there were also groups only “for boys” or
”for girls” . I, of course, had to be in the groups of boys. I have always
thought that this way to mange a school makes boys more violent. I would have
liked to be in a group of girls. One day the
teacher go out from the classroom for several hours, as many others irresponsible teachers used to do.
It is a pity that the children lose a lot of hours just because all
the teachers are joined to a union, so they think that they can earn money
without working. Just some of them have a vocation of teachers. Then, I was sitting in my
chair when a boy took one of my notebooks and run away. I had
to stand up and ran behind him. I had not reach him yet when other boys join
toghether and strated
to bother me, suddenly I was surranded by many boys who
shoved me and did not let me out of a circle. I got desperate and beg them to
let me out but after some seconds it was all the group again me. I fell in
the floor crying but they continued striking
me. There were
countless times that bullies bothered or struck me. I do not know why they
made groups just for boys. Some boys
were very older than the rest of the group due they failed many years at
school. Many of them were bullies
and abuse of younger child. At least
two time they tried to abuse of me, fortunately they
did not
achieve it. I hated every body.
Maybe this was
the reason I
began to loath men. I had not
too many friends at school. Just some of the boys who were less violent
became my friends. |
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The nails |
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My sister Juana started painting her nails around
ten. I was eight by then. Having their
nails painted is something, I think so, is allowed to all the girls. One day
she was painting her nails when I approach her to stare how she did it. I do
not remember whether I asked her to paint my nails or she suggested it, but
she paint them with red varnish, then we enjoy together watching our hands
because they looked vary female. We could not believe that my hands looked
more female then hers. Before the varnish
of my nails dried, she ripped it off with acetone. Maybe she felt more
uncomfortable than me because my parents were over there, but I felt more
confident because she was with me. I was not alone. Actually I think that my parents saw what we were
doing, but they did not care. |
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After a
while she painted again my nails because she said that she wanted to see
again whose hands looked more female. We
compare again and the result was the same, my hand looked as if they belonged
to a woman. I looked happily the red
color on my nails. "
Wait until the varnish drieds",
she said |
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First fantasies. |
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It is normal
that children have sexual fantasies, for example many boys fell in love with
their teachers. My brother Simon told
me that he had seen a picture in a
magazine of a woman who wore a sexy low neck blouse which were in fashion in
those years. Since then, he began to collect magazine with pictures of naked
women. He was very young when he bought his first male magazine. Women showed their breast but the magazine
were too censured by then, actually Playboy was allowed for selling in Mexico
after many years later. I was nine
when I had my first fantasy. I had
some idea
of what sex meant
becouse children
at school talk about
that and
sometimes my brothers too.
I think that my imagination or
maybe the basic instinct did the rest. I would like to know more about fantasies of girls
and transsexual. I have found too
little about this. Any way I think them should not be too different from
those that I wrote here. |
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I imagined that
I fled from my home wearing a dress and woman shoes, then a family would found me alone in the streets,
and decided
to adopted me as their daughter. I
would lived in that family as a girl but I had to do something to hide my sex.
Now I know that this is a stupid idea, but I thought that if I would have
pressed very strongly my penis with my finger, it had sank in the body so it
had left a hole which looked like a vagina. Living as a woman in that family
I would played with other children and
I would found a boyfriend. He
should have been hansom and taller than me with dark hair. After that, I would invited him to my home
while my other parents were not at home, so, due I
would
had a “fake vagina”, we would made
love. Many times I
thought
about this fantasy, I do not know why, but I think that many girls
might think in having sex with an imaginary boyfriend when they are around
nine or ten. Actually they play with dolls that have a boyfriend, for example
Barbie has Ken. Also princess have boyfriends (“blue
prince”) in fairytale.
Other fantasy came up one day when
I
heard my dad talking to my mother about a day that he attended the theatre
and saw how
a singer
woman was bothered and abused
by the people.
He told her that
she was surrounded by “fans” when she went out of the
theatre.
Those kind of artist could not
aford a bodyguard, at
least in
those years, maybe, they were
not used to do it.
Just some very well paid artist could afford hiring a
bodyguard. |
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I imagined this woman surrounded by very excited men
tearing her clothes. My imagination flew and I saw how those people tore
everything until she got complete naked. I imagined that the woman was raped for all the men
but she enjoyed it instead of rejected
them. In this fantasy I did not played the role of a
rapist, what is
rare, is that I enjoyed thinking that I was the woman who was raped. |
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La imagen de macho |
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I also was influenced by the movies that I watched on
T.V. about macho men, so I project myself image as a macho too. Around the
age of ten, I imagined that I wore hat and a
'charro' suit. Those ‘machos’
have a girlfriend, so I thought that I had to have a girlfriend too. Then I search between friends because at
school there were only boys and I choose one that was almost my age as an imaginary girlfriend. I never
asked that girl if she wanted to be my
girlfriend, I just dreamed that she was my girl but I did not
even imagined that I
had sex with her. Maybe this was not a sexual fantasy, maybe it was just an
imitation of what a saw on T.V. I had this thoughts mostly when I got angry
with my brothers or my parents. I thought that if I were a
'macho' other
people
could respected me. I also wanted to go away from my home
when I angry with my parents. |
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In the town
where my father was born a religious party is celebrated every year. In this
season of the year my father used to take us to his town where himself
collaborated in the celebrations. In this
town men wore charro clothes, so It motivated the thoughts of being a kind
of macho man, who ride a horse, use a gun an wore a big hat. |
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Goodbay Dad |
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My dad
suffered from diabetes since, maybe he was therty or yonger. I assume that he inherit this
disease from his parents, due all his brothers and sisters suffered from the
same disease. My grandparents died when they were very young yet. Nobody
knows what was de cause of theirs death. My dad did not talk too much about
this, and there were not doctors neither documentation of the reason that
caused de death of people in his town.
This must have happened in the early forties when there were not even
telephone in those remote
places or there were very
few.
When my grandparents died, my dad was the oldest of seven brothers and
three sisters. The youngest one were around two or three years old, therefore
my grandparents must have died around forty. |
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When my grandparents died, my father had to be in charge of the family and did his best to support everybody. They had to come to live to the city and worked in almost anything. But despite this he became a manager in a drug company. In 1974 the
health of my dad turn worse, so my mother had to take care of him and she distracted
from her normal activities. Frequently my dad had to be hospitalized
because
this issue. His sight was becoming worse every time. By the end
of that year he was unable to work but
we survive because the Social Security
Institution supported him. I had always
thought that he would recover his health because he followed the treatment
and took every days the pills. But the next year thing became worse than
before. His kidneys stopped working and he had to be on dialysis every two
weeks and later every week. One day he
was at the back garden of the house looking for the door to enter into the
house. I think that he felt so badly about having
lost his sight that he never told anybody that
he was blind, but that day we
realised that fact. On september 18th of 1975 my mother was called from the hospital because my dad was very ill. So, she run out and came back around twelve o’clock in the morning while I was playing behind the house. Suddenly I saw my sister crying and told me: "My dad has died". It was too hard to hear that, so I run into the house and I saw my mother caring the clothes that my dad was wearing when he had gone to the hospital. My mother confirm the bad news. I went to a corner of the room and sat there for a while cring too. The other day
in the graveyard I had a terrible sensation that something would happen
after ten years. I never told anybody about this, I did not even thought it
was important. I thought that I was just angry because my dad had died. Believe or not, in
the year of 1985 on the same date the most powerful earthquake that anybody
ever recalled occurred in Mexico City. |
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