My husband Billy and I met on May 4, 1996. We became fast friends and quickly started falling in love. It was not love at first sight, but it has been a love that has grown more and more every day. We got married on May 16, 1998.  We both had the ideal plan for us.  We thought we’d get married, buy a house and start a family, and in July of 1999 we moved into the house that we had built. We both had a job that we loved and things were really falling into place. At this time, we hadn’t decided on when to start our family. On December 19, 1999 my grandfather passed away. He died 11 days after my 27th birthday.  Billy and I decided then that we needed to start a family of our own. We had learned that life was too short to keep waiting for the perfect time. So, I called my doctor and told him I was going off the birth control pill and he put me on a pre-natal vitamin. We tried and tried to get pregnant. At first it was fun. And then it became a challenge and then, well…it became more of a chore.  I went for my yearly physical in September of 2000. He looked at my chart and realized that we had been trying to get pregnant for almost a year. He decided to run a few tests. We found out in October that I was not ovulating. We started on Clomid that very month. In December I had a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) done to see if my tubes were clear. They inserted dye into my tubes to see if it would spill out. At first it didn’t. But after a few minutes (what seemed like hours) they finally pushed the blockage out of the way, and we were free and clear, so to speak. After that, we did our first artificial insemination (IUI). My OB was being very proactive, which we were thankful for. We continued on clomid and IUI’s until March. My doctor told me that he would like for me to see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). So, we made an appointment to see her in April. But before then, it was decided I would have a Laparoscopy. Since I was more familiar with my OB/GYN I wanted him to do it. Well, we found out that I had a polyp in my uterus and I also had stage 1 endometriosis. After this we thought we would be able to get pregnant on our own. We kept our appointment with the RE in April and had another one in May. During that time Billy had a semen analysis done. He had done this before during the IUI’s but this was with a new lab. The results were not what we were hoping for. It seemed that while the count was great, the motility was very low.  We decided to do IVF/ICSI. We went on vacation in May for our anniversary and then we started on injections in July. I responded very well to the medication, and we retrieved 18 eggs on August 1, 2001. We transferred two perfect little embryos on August 6, and found out that we were pregnant on August 15. I have never been so excited and scared in my life. I had named our little embryos before the transfer. I named them Pooh and Piglet. We looked forward to seeing them (or at least one of them) by ultrasound on September 4. On August 28, I started bleeding. So, I went and did the ultrasound early. We saw that only one embryo had attached, but things looked great. We sadly said good-bye to Pooh and focused our attention on Piglet. Everything was going perfectly. We had a ton of ultrasounds and I cherished every one of them. I loved to see Piglet’s little heartbeat on the screen. I had morning sickness (all day sickness) starting at about 7 weeks and it lasted until week 15. Then it seemed to be smooth sailing after that.  I noticed that we didn’t act too excited about the whole thing. I thought it was because we were afraid to really believe that we were going to be parents.  Now...well, maybe I knew something was wrong. Billy didn’t really want to know what we were having. But I did and he is so wonderful that he would do anything for me. And besides, he said he “knew” we were having a girl, so it didn’t matter if we found out or not! So when I was almost 18 weeks, on November 19, 2001 my whole family met us at the doctor’s office for the sonogram that would tell us if we needed to buy pink or blue!  I was excited. It had been about 8 weeks since my last ultrasound, and things had been progressing so well. I was ready to see my sweet Piglet again. I could hardly focus at work that day. And I thought to myself, this is how I should have felt all along. I should have been this happy from the beginning. What could go wrong now? I am pregnant. I am in my second trimester and I am thrilled!  My sister was there before we were. She had a bear and a card for me. My dad showed up next. Then my Mimi came. And last but not least, my mom. As we walked back to the room, the sono tech was joking with us. She asked what we wanted and although no one said, I think almost everyone in the room wanted Piglet to be a girl. My sister has two wonderful little boys and we thought it would be nice to even the score.  As soon as she put the wand on my tummy, she asked if we had done the triple screen test. We hadn’t at that time, and I immediately was frightened. She kept looking around and wouldn’t answer me when I asked what was wrong. I could see Piglet’s heart beating and I could see the baby moving all over. What could be wrong? I knew in my heart it wasn’t something good. Finally, after I asked her three times, she said, “there is something wrong with the baby’s head. I am going to measure the leg and then go and get your doctor”. I now know that she had to measure the leg to see how far along I was, because she couldn’t measure the head.  Everyone but my husband left the room. I was crying as I had never cried before.  My mom and sister came back to comfort us. Then my doctor came.  My mom and sister left again. The doctor watched the screen. So did Billy. I didn’t. I couldn’t face what was happening. I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t even know what was wrong, and I was still crying. I heard the tech say, “here is the eyes and nose” and the doctor kept saying “yes, uh huh, I see”. They turned off the monitor. He told me to get dressed and we would go and talk in his office. They were going to turn on the light and I asked them not to. He asked if I would rather talk there and I said yes. It was like I couldn’t leave my baby in that room on that screen. That if I left, I would lose the baby. The doctor told us that the baby had a defect called anencephaly, a neural tube defect. He told us this condition was incompatible with life, that little Piglet’s brain did not form. There wasn’t anything we could do and there wasn’t anything we did or didn’t do to cause this. I couldn’t even focus. He was telling me that my baby was going to die. A baby that I had tried so hard for. And that I was going to have to make a decision. He told me my options were to induce now or to carry to term. He went into a separate room and told my family. They came to us and we just all sat there and cried. We still didn’t even know if Piglet was a girl or boy.  The doctor told us to come back in a week. He gave me a prescription for Zanax.  I don’t even know how we got home. I knew that my phone was going to be ringing a lot with people calling to find out what we were having. I remember I talked to a couple of my friends. My sister called my work to explain why I wouldn’t be coming back for a while. Billy talked to his parents. My parents came over so that my mom could stay with me while Billy got my prescription filled. They wanted me to take it, but my first thought was…I can’t take that, it would hurt the baby. The very next day I started searching the Internet. We made it through Thanksgiving. I spoke to several labor and delivery nurses that were friends of ours. We prayed and talked with our pastor. I read a lot of stories from other parents who have been through the same thing or something similar. My sister started ordering grieving books for me. Then on Monday we went back to the doctor. We told the doctor that we had decided to induce early. But I also told him that I wanted another sonogram so that I could see the defect in detail. And I really needed to know if Piglet was a girl or a boy. (At this time I would like to say that I believe inducing early was the best choice for us at the time.  I will always wonder what it would be like had I carried to term, but I don't regret my decision.  Nor do I think the decision I made is right for everyone.) We had our next ultrasound on Friday, November 30. We found out that Piglet was a girl. I was so afraid she wouldn’t have a heartbeat. Not sure why, since I was going to lose her anyway. We picked out two names. Hope Marie and Lily Faith. We couldn’t chose between the two.  I went to the doctor again the following Tuesday to start the induction. We were told to be at the hospital in L&D at 7:00am the next morning (Dec. 5). My parents, Billy’s parents and my sister spent the entire day with us. My grandmother (Mimi) also spent a lot of time there. My in law’s pastor was there off and on all day. He was such a great support to us. My doctor was wonderful too, as I knew he would be. My first nurse was very shy and quiet. She never made me feel at ease, even though she was nice and did her job.I found out later that she was pregnant. My next nurse was an angel from God. She spoke to us about the baby and asked all about us. She even checked the heartbeat for us, since they don’t monitor it during a second trimester induction. She had been a midwife in Ireland prior to coming here and her expertise helped us tremendously. My doctor wanted me to have an epidural right away. But I told him I wanted no other pain medication, that I planned on holding my daughter and I wanted to remember it all. He was okay with that. I didn’t get the epidural until 4:30. I didn’t really need it then, but took it since the anaesthetologist had been so busy that day. I decided I didn’t like it and had them turn it off. I was progressing very slowly. I don’t remember exact details between the epidural and the delivery. I remember that my angel nurse (Catherine) and my husband gave me a lovely bath. Then the doctor checked me and I was 3 cm. I knew I wouldn’t have to go to 10 cm, so I got really scared. I wasn’t sure what to expect. My nurse said I would feel pressure when I needed to push.  We really thought it would take much longer, so I decided to have the epidural turned back on. Everyone left the room for a bit, except for my husband, mother-in-law and sister. I could still feel my contractions since the epidural had been off for a while. During one of them, I felt like a balloon was pressing against my cervix. My sister saw the scared look on my face. I didn’t know what it was. It could have been the catheter, could have been the baby, or it could have been my imagination since I was so afraid. The second time this happened, my sister went to get the nurse. She came in and sure enough, my baby girl was on her way. Catherine, the nurse, held her hand in me to keep the baby from coming before everyone, including the doctor, could get there. I wouldn't let go of my sister's hand.  I had so many plans up until that moment and then I couldn't remember what I wanted to do.  I wanted the video camera turned on.  I wanted lots and lots of pictures taken, but wouldn't let go of my sister's hand to let her get the camera.  I couldn’t wait for my mom to come back in the room. I had never been so happy to see her. Once everyone was in the room, things seemed to move in slow motion and in fast forward at the same time. Everyone was in the room with us except for my father-in-law. My precious baby girl was born still at 11:32 pm, on December 5, 2001. I knew the baby was here, but the doctor waited to see if I would deliver the placenta. She was born in her bag of waters. I’m not sure how long this all took  Once the doctor was sure I was okay, he asked me if I wanted to hold my baby girl.  He told me she was perfect in every way, except for the anencephaly.  My daughter was placed in my arms all wrapped up in a blanket. As soon as I saw her, I knew her name was Lily Faith. She was so beautiful. My sister had her digital camera and we took a lot of pictures. (Although now I know we didn’t take enough).  My dad video taped us while we spent time with little Lily. Everyone got a chance to hold her. We took everyone’s picture while they held her.  The nurse had to take her for a while to weigh her and take her picture. I hated the time that we were apart. but she brought her right back. We never dressed Lily. I had bought some doll clothes that I thought would fit her, but she just looked too fragile. I regret not dressing her, but I know now that I will have many regrets and I can’t dwell on them. Lily weighed 7 ounces and was 8 inches long. She had the tiniest little feet. They were about an inch long. Her eyes were still fused shut but she had little eyelashes and eyebrows. Something I am glad I remember since they don’t show up in pictures.  We all held hands and said a prayer. I sang happy birthday to Lily  and “You Are My Sunshine”. I don’t remember everything. I remember how wonderful my family was, and how much love I felt for my husband at that moment. I remember feeling pain; sadness and happiness all wrapped up into one emotion.  Our families left and we had Lily to ourselves for a while. They were going to  move us to a different room, so I didn’t think we had much time. I told her how much we wanted her, loved her and prayed for her. And after loving her for four hours, they came and took her one last time. We were exhausted. They moved us to another floor and we slept for a bit. I got to go home around noon the next day. I would have liked to see her again, but I knew the funeral home had already come to get her. I had already planned so much of her funeral since we knew her fate. My birthday came just 3 days after Lily was born. My family and friends tried so hard to make the day special. They did a really good job.  We had Lily’s funeral on Monday, December 10, 2001. There were a lot of people there to honor her memory. Billy got to carry the casket to her final resting-place.  He told me “You got to carry her for 20 weeks and now I finally got to carry her”.  I read a short poem. The pastor did a beautiful job. We played 'One More Day' by Diamond Rio and 'Precious Child', by Karen Taylor-Good. My sister’s father-in-law sang Amazing Grace. The funeral director was Heaven-sent. He was very compassionate and helpful. Lily is buried just a few miles from our house. We spend a lot of time out there and I am sure when the weather is nicer we will go there even more. I will never forget all the cards and flowers that people sent out of sympathy. Nor will I forget anyone that helped Billy and I during this troubled time. We are fortunate to have such wonderful and caring friends in our lives. We hope that you know how grateful we are.