NOTE: This is the second in my "Knight Consort" series of Xander fic. The first was "Be All You Can Be".
*****
Old Wounds
Don Bentley
"Hi, Carol, it's me. No, they've haven't shown up yet. Look, tell Mr. Fitzwallace that I'm shutting down and sending the guys away for the weekend," Xander Harris stood in the middle of his work site, a cell phone held crookedly in his left hand, his right nestled in his still new cast and sling. "I know, but even if they show up right now, all I can do is sign for the stuff and lock it up 'til Monday. It's too late to start anything now, and.... Yeah, I know, but I have his memo right here in front of me telling me to watch the OT for the rest of the month. Okay? Great, have a nice weekend Carol."
"Well Boss?"
Xander closed the phone and looked up at his foreman, Maurice. In his early forties, Maurice was a huge man, heavily bearded, a cross between a teddy bear and a biker, mostly teddy bear, most of the time.
"I'll sign off on the time sheets and the back stairs. Get the guys to lock up. If we hurry, Fitzwallace won't have time to change his mind about the overtime."
"That's the spirit. Here, sign these, then I'll double check the lock ups, and we're outta here."
Xander took the offered sheets, and clumsily signed his name with his left hand.
"When's that thing s'pposed to come off?" meaning the cast.
"A month, maybe less if I can remember to stop opening doors with it."
"Your own damned fault, Boss. I coulda told you you'd break something on those damned scooters. Leave 'em to the kids. God gave 'em better reflexes to make up for being stupid," Maurice collected the signed papers. "I'll drop these off to Carol on my way home."
He pointed to the small photograph Xander had tacked to his plans table. "Bet you were trying to impress Anya, huh?"
"Something like that."
With a roar of laughter Maurice slapped Xander on his left shoulder, a tender tap that knocked the younger man against the table. "All in a good cause then."
Before Maurice could leave, Jimmy, a lead hand only a couple of years older than Xander, approached.
"Hey Boss. Young lady here to see you," and in a theatrical aside to Maurice he added. "Not Anya either."
His curiosity piqued, Maurice followed Xander out into the fading daylight.
Xander was surprised to see Tara standing there, looking a little uncomfortable in the midst of the construction site. Two of Xander's carpenters, who were frankly loitering and admiring the lovely young woman, quickly ducked out of sight as he appeared.
"Friend of yours?" asked Maurice, only slightly more subtly than Jimmy.
"Yes."
"Friend of Anya's?"
"What? Yes. Go away, you frighten people."
With another roar of laughter Maurice left.
"Tara, this is a pleasant surprise," he stiffened in alarm. "Anything-"
Tara interrupted with a reassuring hand to his arm. "Xander, no. Things are still a little... formal at the shop so I left our girl friends trying to make it up to Mr. Giles and came to take you out to dinner. Unless you have plans?"
"Nothing that could possibly top that. Let me chase my crew out of here and I'm all yours. We'll stop by the apartment first so I can freshen up."
"What?" asked Xander as Tara's faced brightened into one of her crooked smiles. He loved it when she smiled.
"You have a 'crew'."
"Yeah, look at me, I'm Tony Soprano."
*****
Xander was pleased, and more than a little flattered, to see that Tara had selected a small intimate restaurant that he had been meaning to bring Anya to for a while now. The subdued lighting and soft jazz, not to mention the highly regarded menu, all scored high on the romance scale. He held Tara's chair for her before taking his own at the small corner table.
"Thank you. I should get Willow to do that for me."
"You two could take turns being the man."
Blushing a bright red, Xander quickly added. "Please pretend that I didn't say that."
"Okay," she said, favouring him with another beautiful, lopsided smile.
As the waitress left with their drinks order Xander fidgeted with his cast and sling, wincing slightly as he did so.
"Sore?"
"Hurts like hell. Still trying to use it too much."
"That will teach you to try and fight a troll barehanded. Xander, what were you thinking? You could have been...." she was unable to finish.
"I wasn't though. Will and Ahn were in trouble. I helped. Well, I tried. That's what I do," he motioned with his cast. "Usually I'm a little more helpful, and a lot less hurt. Usually."
Deciding to leave it at that, at least for the time being, Tara produced a small package and held it out across the table. "Here. For you."
The package was neatly wrapped in Scobbie Doo gift paper, which drew a chuckle from Xander. He unwrapped it and found inside a small blue/white crystal on an elastic and Velcro strap.
"It's a healing crystal," explained Tara. "Put it along the nerve path above the injury. Here," pointing to her own inside upper arm, "and it reduces your pain."
"Cool, magic. Wait, what did Giles say about using magic to-"
"He meant doing major things like making tumours disappear. This is okay. It's based on a physiological principle in fact."
"Yeah?"
"Yes. Nerves will carry pleasant stimuli in preference to pain. That's why a warm cloth can relieve stomach pains or cramps."
He shrugged off his jacket. "Does it have to be in contact with skin? Cause I'd rather not strip down."
"No. Here, give it to me," Tara rose and helped Xander put it on. "It'll take a few minutes to start working."
Their waitress arrived to take their orders. Tara chose the chicken Parmesan while Xander opted for the roast lamb.
"Hey, it's working," Xander felt the pain fade, only to be replaced by.... He closed his eyes in concentration.
"Xander?"
He looked at Tara. "How did you say this thing works?"
"It gives off vibrations that...."
"No, sorry, I mean does it come this way?"
"No. You have to charge it, kind of like a battery."
"Ok."
"Why?"
"And you charged it for me, right?"
"Yes, last night before I went to bed. Why? Xander, is anything wrong?"
"Wrong? God no, Tara. It's great. It's more than great. I feel like.... Like I'm being hugged, like I'm-"
"Loved."
"Yeah, loved."
"You are loved Xander, so very much," Tara paused ever so slightly, continuing in a low, shy whisper. "Always have been."
"I love you too, Tara," Xander leaned forward across the small table. "And not just because you're really good for Willow."
"Thank you," she said shyly.
Xander sat back as their salads arrived and seized the opportunity to lighten their conversation a bit. "So, tell this poor townie all about college life. Details of sorority sleepovers are a must. Make 'em up if you have to."
*****
Later, dessert long gone, and coffee exhausted, it was time to leave for the Magic Box. Tara returned from the washroom to find Xander awkwardly signing his credit card receipt.
"This was supposed to be my treat."
"Too late. Besides, I'm an old fashioned guy with old fashioned, patriarchal ideas," he handed the receipt back to their waitress and continued. "Now, we'd better get going before our girlfriends get mad at us."
"Xander!" Tara whispered sharply.
"What?"
"I think you shocked the waitress."
"I'm not surprised. I can't believe that I have a girlfriend either."
Tara held Xander's coat while he struggled into it, and, holding the door ushered him into the night.
"Shall we walk, or take a cab?" she asked.
"Remember 'The Bone Collector'?"
"You're right. It is a lovely night for a walk."
Tara slid easily to Xander's left side, and taking his arm in hers, they walked through the cool night air.
*****
"'I've got a bad feeling about this drop.'"
"'You always say that, Frost. You always say 'I've got a bad feeling about this drop.'' Aliens. Come on, that was too easy."
Xander cupped his mouth with his left hand and launched into a characteristically bad Darth Vader imitation. "'The Force is strong with this one.' Okay, no more Mister Nice Guy. Your turn."
Tara took Xander's hand in hers and stepped in front of him. "Xander, I haven't thanked you for what you did back at the shop. For saving Willow."
"Tara. You don't ever have to-"
She silenced him with a fingertip to his lips. "And for.... And for being Willow's Xander. For being such a big part of the woman I love."
Xander opened his mouth to reply, but instead smiled tenderly and pulled Tara into a tight, warm hug, whispering. "It's incredible, isn't it?"
Tara nodded her agreement. "I'm still afraid that I'll wake up."
"You too, huh?" Xander paused, considered, and continued. "You won't though, Tara. You'll never hurt her, never drive her away."
Tara could almost hear him thinking to himself, could almost hear him add, 'Like I did.' She pulled out far enough to look up into his now sad, distant eyes. This is it, she thought to herself, careful now, girl.
"It hurt, didn't it?" she whispered.
"It broke me, Tara. It almost...." his voice faded away into silence.
"What?" she prompted gently.
"It almost killed me. It broke my heart, it broke my spirit, and it almost killed me."
"Why didn't it?"
Xander closed his eyes, trying to banish the old, familiar demons. The real ones, the ones you can't fight, can't beat.
"Tell me. Xander, please."
With a deep breath Xander composed himself and stepped back a pace to look at Tara.
"You know the story; about the Fluke. About how Oz and Cordelia rescued us. Rescued us at the worst possible moment. For all of us, really. But Will, I'll never forget the look on her face when she saw Oz. When she realized what we were doing and how... how it, how we'd hurt him.
"Well, it was after we had gotten Cordy to the hospital. Will and Oz had left. Actually, Oz took off and Will chased after him. I can't blame her, I would have been trying to make it up to Cordy, if she hadn't been in surgery. Anyways, I was alone, and pretty much out of it. Sick with worry for Cordy, afraid of Oz, and terrified that I'd lost Willow. That I'd never touch her, or be with her ever again. That was the scariest, that I'd never have her with me ever again."
Xander looked at Tara, and saw that she understood. That she knew, that she really knew.
"Yeah, just like that."
"I tried to be brave, I almost convinced myself that we could stay friends. A-almost...."
Xander lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it lightly.
"So, I was all alone, and all these people were asking me all these questions, doctors, nurses, cops. And they're all calling me Alexander and I remember thinking 'I need Willow to be Xander,' and if I can't be Xander I didn't want to.... I'd rather be...."
He stopped and for a moment Tara was afraid that he'd shut it down again, that he'd stop talking, stop remembering. He looked up into the clear winter's sky, then at her, and, with a deep breath, went on.
"There was no plan," he said slowly, haltingly. "Just a grab at a box of scalpel blades on a trolley, and a dash out the doors. Hit those doors at a dead run and didn't look back.
"Got as far as the high school before collapsing on the front steps. Didn't plan to go there, didn't plan to go anywhere. Just ended up there, just sitting, sitting and not thinking. Out of it."
Xander opened his hand, and looked down, seeing in it-
"The scalpel blade. Been holding it in my hand so tight I'm surprised I didn't cut myself through the wrapping."
Oblivious to his cast and without conscious effort, his hands traced their movements, his actions matching his words.
"It was so small. It was hard to get a good grip, but I, I held it against my wrist and...."
The spastic, violent slash of his hand across his wrist startled Tara, and broke the last of Xander's self control.
The tears came first, then, the last of his strength sapped, Xander sank slowly to his knees, finally sitting on the sidewalk, his shoulders shaking as he sobbed. Tara knelt down before him and cradled his head against her breast, gently stroking his hair until he calmed enough to continue.
"I cut my wrist," the admission seemed to startle him, as if hearing those words spoken for the first time. He was. "There was no pain, and I watched as the blood ran down my arm. I couldn't feel it; it was someone else's arm, someone else's blood. Not mine.
"I sat there on the steps for a while. Just watching, waiting for the quiet. Eventually, it occurred to me that I was still alive."
He laughed. It was a short, bitter laugh. "I'd fucked up, Tara. The scalpel slipped and I hadn't cut deep enough. Well, if at first you don't succeed...."
Again his hands played out his memories. And again he reached out with the blade, holding it against his wrist. He stopped, his head cocked to one side, thinking. Tara took his hands and held them in hers, holding them against her cheek.
He shook his head and looked at Tara. He was calmer now. He took a hand from hers long enough to wipe away the tears, then slipped it back into her grasp.
"It was nothing dramatic. No last minute intervention by concerned friends," he managed a weak smile. "No Roma Downey....
"I just knew that I couldn't do this to her. I've fought and killed demons for Willow, and I will die for her, but right then, right at that moment I realized that I couldn't have her thinking that I killed myself because of her. I couldn't, I won't do that to her.
"I dropped the blade and walked away."
"You were hurt, bleeding."
His smile brightened a bit. Not a lot, but enough.
"I went to Joyce. She's bandaged me up a couple of times over the years, and well, that's the best thing about a Mom; they're always there for you. She bandaged me up, tried to get me to talk about it, and was understanding when I wouldn't. She knew, of course, just not the details. I stayed there all night, talking about other stuff, drinking hot chocolate. She's never told on me," he looked up. "No one knows."
Tara could see the plea in his eyes. Not trusting herself to speak, she simply nodded her assent and kissed his forehead.
Eventually though, she found her voice.
"Xander, you do need to talk to Willow about this," the panic that flared in his eyes caused her to quickly add. "Someday, not now, not until you're ready. But Xander, you've kept this bottled up too long. It's starting to hurt you."
He looked down at his cast.
"You weren't the bad guy in this, Xander. You didn't force her into anything she didn't want to do. Did you?"
"No, of course not, but-"
Tara interrupted him with a finger to his lips, and lifted his chin, forcing his gaze from his cast back to her. "You hurt Cordelia? You cheated on her? Well, Willow hurt Oz, she cheated on him. Both of you fucked up big time."
She had to smile at his reaction to her curse.
"I know the story, Xander. I know that Willow made it right with Oz, and that you and Cordelia eventually parted as friends. I know that you and Oz were friends again. Right?"
"Right."
"Well, that's it. That's all. You have nothing to atone for, not anymore. Certainly not with Willow. Now, I love her just as much as you do, but she's not perfect, she's not Cadria, Madame Curie, and Golda Meir all wrapped up in one redheaded package," Tara was heartened by his chuckle. "She's Willow. Full stop."
"But, I-"
"What? What did you do throughout the whole sorry mess that Willow wasn't doing right along with you?"
"I hurt her!"
"Yes, you did, and she hurt you just as bad. It took both of you a long time to get over it, but back in the Magic Box you fought a troll to protect her. You were ready to die for her. And you still think you're in her debt?"
"It's just that, well, she's Willow. For most of my life she's been there for me, even when.... Even when I had no one else, no friends, no... no one, she's been there. She's been my world."
"I know, Xander, trust me, I know."
Tara took out a kleenex and wiped away the last of Xander's tears, then standing she reached down and helped him to his feet.
"Better?"
"Yeah, some," he smiled at her. "A lot. It's just that...."
"Heart, head. Not always compatible."
"Yeah."
"Yeah. Someday, though," Tara prompted.
"Someday," Xander promised.
*****
Tara and Willow stood in front of the darkened Magic Box and watched as Xander and Anya turned the corner before leaving for home themselves. The first several minutes passed in companionable silence.
Willow was the first to speak. "Going to tell me about it?"
"No. He will. When he's ready."
"I worry about him."
"I know. He knows," Tara paused. "Anya's very lucky."
"More than she deserves."
"No," Tara pulled Willow into her arms and held her tight, pausing to marvel anew at her own very good fortune, before whispering into her lover's ear. "I mean, she's lucky I'm already in love with you."
With that Tara kissed Willow, kissed her long and hard. Finally, and reluctantly, breaking away to add.
"Thank you for being Xander's Willow."