NOTE: "Taking Up The Slack" follows my earlier Knight Consort fic "Be All You Can Be" and "Old Wounds."
Thanks to Slashcat and Dave for their beta reading endeavours.
*****
"Taking Up The Slack" 3/3
Don Bentley
Xander and Anya fell into the Magic Box in an untidy noisy heap.
She was laughing and twisting about trying to avoid his hands as he tried to tickle her in as many spots as he could reach without having to start undoing buttons. Well, any more buttons. She grabbed his hands in her usual attempt to control him, and Xander leaned in and delivered his usual coup de grace, a kiss under her ear and a whispered promise.
"Oh!" Anya suddenly froze in place.
Xander lifted his head from her neck and looked back over his shoulder into the shop.
Generally, Anya was not one to let anything dampen her amorous moods; like the presence of other people, for instance. In fact, there was a strong exhibitionist streak in her that Xander was only slowly starting to appreciate. So it usually took something of great significance to spoil the moment.
Topping that rather short list was Willow.
Willow was standing in the middle of the shop glaring at them both. Her stance was combative, arms crossed, clenched really, her feet firmly planted, and not a trace of amusement to be found anywhere. Though to be fair, she'd never found their ongoing game of grab ass all that amusing in the first place.
In contrast, Tara stood uncomfortably at the counter. She looked miserable, her shoulders were slumped, she was hiding behind crossed arms, and her head was down as she looked at the floor. That Willow was pissed he could handle, maybe. That he'd also caused trouble for Tara was inexcusable.
Xander gathered Tara up into a big warm hug, whispering his apology. "I'm so sorry about this, Tara. How'd it go after I left?"
"T-tense," Tara took a calming breath and smiled a warm, brave smile, before continuing in a conspiratorial whisper of her own. "She's more scared than anything else."
"Thanks. Where's Giles?"
"At the lawyer's with Buffy."
Xander turned to face Willow.
He took a pace towards his best friend his arms open in welcome.
Needing to stay angry long enough to have her say, Willow took a half step back away from him. The pain that flashed across his face at her move almost broke her resolve. Slipping automatically into her full 'protect Xander' mode Willow stepped forward almost into his arms, until her fear, still a white hot lump in her gut, reasserted itself and brought her to a halt.
"HOW-" then, remembering his words from the night before and a promise extracted by Tara not to shout at him, Willow cut herself off and continued more quietly.
"Xander. The risks... you fought a vampire-"
"Two," interrupted Anya proudly. "Xander staked two vampires last night."
"Ahn..."
"TWO- Two vampires? Xander, what were you thinking?"
"That they were after you and Tara. That I had no choice, Will."
"Choice? You've had lots of choices. But you chose to lie to me. You chose to risk your life. You chose to go behind my back and stalk the cemetery like, like-"
"Batman?" suggested Anya helpfully.
"Ahn, please."
"And you!" Willow rounded on Anya. "I actually thought that we'd
finally agree about something, and you're treating it like a joke.
Anya! HE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!"
Willow froze as her shout filled the shop. Her face paled and her eyes grew wide as she covered her mouth with her hands, too late to unsay the words. Turning back to Xander she added in a small voice.
"I could have lost you."
Propelled by a desperate need for reassurance, Willow buried herself in his arms and squeezed tight. She held her breath and listened to his heartbeat.
"You didn't, Will," Xander squeezed back. "I'm still here. I'll never leave you. How can I? You're my Willow."
"But you can't take these risks, Xander. You're not-" she bit off the rest of the sentence, knowing full well that he would not appreciate the words. She did not want to have to say any of it aloud, did not want to humiliate him, but he could have been....
"I know, Will," Xander spoke first, sparing her the need to continue. "I'm not a Slayer, and I'm not a Watcher, and I'm not a witch. What I wouldn't give for a radioactive spider bite or two. 'Course this being Sunnydale it's probably just as well."
Xander grinned his best stupid grin, and was rewarded with a soft chuckle.
"Ahn won't even let me use my one really good super power on anyone but her. But I'm not totally helpless, Will."
Taking her by the hand he led her over to the table where he started to point to the piled volumes. "Here. Dickinson's 'Annotated Demon Lore'. The standard for American and European demons. Uhh, the red one, Rousseau's 'Geographique Demonia', is a bit vague on the Western Hemisphere, but strong on African, Asian and Pacific rim demons. And Orlok's 'Travelogue of the Damned' has some very good descriptions of past Hellmouths and their associated demon and vampire cults, including ours. Uh, the Hellmouth, not us. We're not a cult."
Indicating the jars behind the counter Xander continued. "Let's see, a circle of henbane, vervain, and rowen will protect you from dream criers. Agate sand, myrrh, trolldust, and maidenhair, along with a beryl stone are used to invoke the protection of Hengyst against demonic possession and animal transformation."
He shrugged. "Four years of research, some of it had to stick."
"But enough of it? Xander, I should be the last person to admit this, but not everything's in the books, and there's more to magic than the ingredients," she waved her arm towards the shelves and the books. "And none of this stuff is any use fighting a vampire."
Gently, Willow took his right hand in hers and held his wrist. "Or a troll."
"Olaf wasn't my best moment, I know. Last night I was following a plan. I was equipped, armed, and prepared. I won. Olaf? Well, as has been pointed out," he favoured Tara with a warm smile. "Fighting a seven-foot troll barehanded in a store filled with weapons was not a very bright thing to do.
"I shoulda done a quick recce, then come in the back way, arm myself, then hit him from behind. Instead, when I saw the two women I love more than anything else in my life in danger, well, I lost it for a moment. I... when you needed me, I failed you."
Anya and Willow both spoke out at once.
"Xander, you didn't fail us."
"You saved us."
"No, Buffy did. I'm just thankful that I was able to hold him off until she showed up, but Buffy saved you, not me. Hell, you two saved you more than I did. But that's not it. The last several months, the training, the patrols, they aren't about some need to prove my masculinity-"
"Because you're very virile," Anya turned to the others. "Last night we did it-"
"Thanks Ahn. It's about helping Buffy. Well mostly, anyway."
"'Mostly'," Willow shook her head. "Xander, I don't understand."
"Yeah, I know. When I said that I should have recce'ed the shop, then come in the back way and outflanked the troll I meant that that's what my soldier guy memories were telling me to do. I didn't just panic when I saw you two in danger, I panicked when I had that memory."
"But you've forgotten most of the soldier guy stuff. You said so yourself."
"Yeah. I did, didn't I?"
Turning to Anya, Xander asked for the car keys, and exchanged a kiss for them.
"Have any classes this morning?" he asked Willow.
"Yes," Willow turned to pick up her book bag, and then handed it off to Tara.
"I'll make it up. I promise," Willow said to Tara before leaning in for a kiss of her own. Xander was relieved to see Tara's face brighten into her lovely lopsided smile.
Willow gestured to the door. "Let's go."
They were almost out of the shop when the shoe dropped and Willow spun about to face Anya. The other woman was smiling sweetly at her, a perfect picture of innocence and friendship.
You bitch!
Catching up with Xander out on the sidewalk Willow demanded. "Anya can drive?"
"Hmmm? Oh, yeah. You don't think she'd create an identity for herself in Southern California and not be able to drive, do you?"
"I'll kill her," she whispered.
"What?"
"Nothing."
*****
The two friends fell into a comfortable silence as they drove back to the apartment and as Xander put the kettle on. Willow looked over his training manuals, and held up his Batman comics with a quizzical look.
"I was afraid that maybe they'd tip Ahn off to the whole vigilante gig," explained Xander as he set out the sugar and milk.
Their mugs filled the two of them settled down at the table.
Xander sat with his head bowed down, examining the tabletop with an intensity never displayed during his school days.
"Yeah, I lied to you, Will," Xander's voice was low as he stared down, avoiding her eyes. "When I said that my soldier guy memories had faded, I was lying. They're still there, still strong. Most of them anyway. The physical stuff like handling drills of the M16, well, I'd never any cause to practice something like that so I guess I'd be pretty rusty by now. The rest, well, I still remember, more or less."
He looked up and held Willow's eyes with his. They were so sad and frightened. Despite the warmth of the morning sun through the windows, Willow shivered and drew her sweater about her.
"The thing is, I wasn't just any old generic plastic army man. That night, while the spell was working I was this other guy. A real guy, Will, I could tell you his name, where he was born, went to school, everything. He was a sergeant in a long range recon company, with all these great skills. Airborne ranger, patrol medic, he knew explosives, and weapons, and tactics. A regular GI Joe."
"It was going to be great, Will. I had these skills, all this practical knowledge, and I was going to kick serious vampire ass. And since I was alive and he was a vampire, I was finally going to replace Angel in Buffy's life, protect her, and she'd... she'd love me."
"Oh, Xander."
"Then I started to dream this guy's dreams. It was a couple of nights later and I dreamt about holding his son in the delivery room and a helicopter crash out East somewhere. Didn't mind, pretty cool in fact, and since I don't remember most of my own dreams anyways, I figured that it wouldn't be a problem."
"When?"
"Almost a month later. Thanksgiving. I was walking through the house and I caught a whiff of some stale beer. Suddenly I was standing in his apartment and his wife was yelling at him for being drunk and a bad example for his son. He hit her. Punched her in the face and knocked her off her feet. He was shouting things, horrible things at her, and threatening her if she got up off the floor. His five year old son was watching from the bedroom and he shouted at him to go back to bed or he'd-
"Only it wasn't him, Will, it was me. I hit her, I threatened my son, I was a violent drunk," the fear she saw in his eyes grew.
"Xander, it wasn't-"
"I know that! But it makes no difference. One minute I'm standing in my house, the next I'm hitting my wife. When I'm dreaming these things I am him, I'm the abusive drunk, and I could remember all of them, not like my dreams. No, his I have to remember.
"Didn't take me long to figure out that when I remembered a soldier-guy memory, something useful, I'd also trigger a personal dream. I had two or three 'waking episodes' I think their called, back at first, but since then it's all been while I'm asleep. They weren't all bad, no one really is, but he was a drunk who hit his wife. You know?"
She had been his closest friend since they were five. She had been the one person he told everything to, and the one he didn't have to hide the bruises from.
Willow knew. Dear God, she knew.
She had to put her cup down before her trembling hands dropped it. She left her seat and knelt beside Xander, taking his hands in hers, as much for her own comfort as his. She fought back the welling tears as he went on.
"So I stopped trying to use the memories, made up the story about how they were fading."
"But," her voice almost failed her. She cleared her throat and dried her eyes. "But you did use some of it. When we stole that rocket launcher thing, and the Mayor's Ascension."
"I had the dreams for nights after the armoury, and the Ascension.... The Ascension was... it was hard. I needed help after that."
"Who, where?"
"A friend," he smiled a fond, sad smile. Willow knew how to read between Xander's lines. And when not to. She kissed his hand and squeezed gently.
"And all this?" Willow pointed to the books and his gear.
"Last September I helped out a brother in law of one of the guys at work. He owns a dojo out on Military Trail and was doing some renovations. Looked like fun, so I took a couple classes, and I wasn't half-bad, so I started working out regular. It was just after the whole Dracula thing, and I had some 'issues' to work out, beat up. So, by the time Riley bailed I was confident enough that I decided to try and patrol with Buffy. Nothing sleazy, no ulterior motive, not like the first time, I'd just be an extra pair of hands and eyes. I started to train harder.
"But then I saw you two and Olaf there in the shop, and I heard soldier-guy's voice telling me to recon and out flank. God, Will, I panicked. Having that voice in my head scared me more than Olaf did. He could just kill me. Soldier-guy would drive me insane. So I shouted him down and charged in like an ass and almost got you two killed. I had another of his dreams that night. He beat her up bad. I scared Anya.
"So I know this stuff that could help, and it scares the shit out of me whenever I use it, Will. Anything else, and maybe... but, but this. These dreams," Xander's hands were shaking. He'd been frightened before, they all had, but Willow had never seen him in the grip of such terror.
He composed himself with a deep breath. "But what really scared me was the thought of doing nothing, and of maybe losing someone... So while my wrist healed I started some research of my own, building on what he knows and applying it here to Sunnydale and what I know about vamps and demons. I assembled my gear. Trained as much as I could. When the cast came off I went out on some practice patrols. And when we started to patrol last week I had my chance."
"But how could you do all that, patrol like last night and not have the dreams?"
"That's the thing," he said quietly.
"Xander, no! Last night?"
"I got lucky, a safe one."
Willow stood pulling Xander from his chair and into her arms. The tears were burning down her cheeks, her words choked by the sobs. She held him tight as she cried.
"I, I want to stop you, Xander, you know that. I want to stop you, and make you promise me. So you won't dream those... those things anymore."
She held his eyes with hers. "I could, too. Make you promise. Make you stop. You know I could!"
She looked into his eyes and sighed.
"I won't though," she promised before he could speak, her voice sad and loving. "I want to, but I won't."
Reaching up on tiptoes Willow gently kissed him, and wiped away his tears. "You know what you are don't you?"
"I'm almost afraid to ask."
"You're our knight in shining armour."
Willow never did find out why that started the tears all over again, or the laughter that accompanied them.
The End