Greeting Everyone and Welcome.Please enjoy your stay. This Page I have made for pretty much my thoughts.These are my thought regarding my mom for the most part.They are sad.



December 3th,2004:: As I was watching the rain fall.I glanced over at the TV and saw a commercial for "King of the Hill".It was going to be an Episode about the boy wanting to have sex with his next door neighbor.And I thought to myself as much as I hate to see things like that they are only stating the obvious.And I asked myself.How do you protect your child from the scary and horrible things in the world? And the answer came to me.It is what my Parents told me when I growing up.You cant lock them up in a closet even though you want to.You cant hide them from the world.The only thing you can do is send them out in the world with the right Knowledge and pray they make the right decision.



December 8th,2004:: As I was over at my Aunts the other day.For secret santa :(. I stepped out side to have a smoke.I went and sat in my car and started thinking about my mom and why we all was having to do secret santa this year.And I said to myself that I wish I could see mommy again.But then I asked myself if I had to pick one person out my family...Dad or My Little Sis or Middle Sis or Gram or Gramps or Me or My Aunt or Someone on her side of the family to see her one more time,to be able to touch her,see her and hear her, who would I pick? Would I be selfish and pick me or would I be unselfish and alow someone else that chance to have with Mom.And as much as I want to see her and hug her and say I love you.But I think I would have to pick my dad.For he is the one who wakes up everyday in an empty bed.For he is the one who walks into the livingroom everyday to an empty desk.



December 16th,2004:: Well its almost Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.Less than 10 days from now.And Im praying now more than every for it to never come.But to me, it seems like the days are going by so slowly.Making it hard for me to get past it.All I do is want to cry tonight for some reason.All I can think about is my momma, and how much I want her here.Would I give anything to have her back? Would I do anything to have her back? I dont think so.I couldn't give up my child.But man it would be nice for her to be here.Would I give up everything I own as far as material items go.Yes I would.As mean as this will sound and I know you will think so.But that night at the hospital.My Middle sis looks over at me and said why couldn't it have been Ronnie.And I said we have two dads and only one mom.I agree that Ronnie should have gone and not mom.See Ronnie is our Father and Dad is our Daddy.He has been with my mom since me and Ash was about 4 and 7.And Ronnie has only been around once in a while.And then I told her,You know what really makes me made is that Wilfred,Ronnies father,is old and ill and cant do anything on his own.I mean the guy is like in his 80's maybe 70's but either way he is way older than my mom was when she passed on but yet that man is still alive.Now how fair is that shit? Not fair at all.



January 11th, 2005:: Well Momma christmas eve and christmas and new years has come and gone.And yet I still feel alone.How long will I feel like this? When will I feel ok about each passing day? Everyday that passes I think about you and I want to ask the same question over and over again. But I know I will not get the answer. And I am sure that if I could stop looking for the answer that I could get past the pain and anger and hurt that I feel so much. But I feel that there will never be a day that I dont look for the answer. That there will never be a day that i will not hurt or cry or feel alone. My birthday will be here soon and I dont want it to come at all.I went to the Dr. the other day for my depo and they said I was two days late for it.That the nurse wrote down the wrong time frame for my next one so I have to wait 2 weeks before I can get it and also have to get a pregnancy test done to. I pray more than ever I am not pregnant for one we really shouldn't have one at this point time. We are not ready. And two your not here, I dont feel ready yet. You was always there with me. And now I will have to go through it alone. It scares me.Well Momma I am going to end this now. I love you with all my heart. And I miss you so so much.



January 17th,2005:: I have believe something for a very long time now,ever sence she passed on. The last time she had to go to the ER. I didn't know what was going on till I got a call from my sister. I rushed up to the ER and right before she was medaflighted out she grabbed my hand and looked at me and said "Take care of your little sister". She said that twice. But the look in her eyes and the sound of her voice makes me believe that she knew to a point that she wasn't coming back home :(. I told me dad about that and he said that before I got up there they was talking and she told him that she was scared that she wasn't going to come back home. Also to let you know I'm not pregnant :). YaY!!!!! Oh and guess what momma, I have adopted a daughter on the realms :). She is a very sweet girl.Her name is BigDreams.You would like her alot.Well I saw dad today, first time in 3 - 4 days now :(. He has been working alot. I told David that I hadn't seen him in that long and he said "he has been working alot with your mother" and I looked at him and he said "your grandmonther". I just giggled. All though I didn't show that deep down inside it hurt to know that wasn't true.He said that he has been thinking about you today, when he thought of what todays date was. Yeah it still hits us all really hard.Not sure for how much longer. At times it feels like it will be decades before anyone of us gets over the hurt. And other days it seems that some of us have.Well I am going to end this now Momma :) I miss you and love you so so much.