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Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade
to tick the Americans off, when the phone rang. "Hello there, Mr.
Hussein," a heavily accented voice said.  "This is Paddy down in
County Cork, Ireland. I am ringing you up to tell you that I am
officially declaring war on you!" "Well, now, Paddy," Saddam
replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your
army?" At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moment's
calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next-door
neighbor Murphy, and the entire domino team from our pub....that
makes a total of 8!" Saddam sighed, and said, "I must tell you,
you stupid Irishman, that I have a million men in my army waiting
to move on my word." "Begorrah!" says Paddy, "I'll have to ring
you back."

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Right, Mr. Hussein,
the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks.  "Well, we
have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer, and Murphy's tractor
from his farm." Once more Saddam sighed and said, "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have six thousand tanks, a thousand mine
layers, nine thousand armored cars, and my army has increased to
one and a half million men since we last spoke." "Well, I'll be
blighted!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein.
The war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We've kitted out old Ted's crop sprayer with a couple of rifles
in the cockpit, and the darts team has joined our effort as
well!" Once more Saddam sighed and said, "I must tell you, Paddy,
that I have 4,000 bombers and 350 MIG 109 high-maneuverability
attack planes, and my military complex is surrounded by
laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites. Since we last spoke,
my army has increased to two million!" "Oh, me sainted mother!"
says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Paddy calls again the next day. "Right, then, Mr. Hussein. I am
sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm
very sorry to hear that, Paddy, my boy," said Saddam. "Why the
sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "We've all had a
chat and decided there's no way we can cope with two million
prisoners."

Last updated March 29, 2003