"The essential point in science is not a complicated mathematical
formalism or a ritualized experimentation. Rather the heart of science is a
kind of shrewd honesty that springs from really wanting to know what
the hell is going on!"-Saul-Paul Sirag

"Don't be humble, you're not that great." -Golda Meir

"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality." -Jules de
Gaultier

"Computation is the art of carefully throwing away information. "
-Unknown

The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."-
John Lennon

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others."-
Groucho Marx

" I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not
screaming in terror like his passengers." -Michael Aulfrey

"Woman was created from the rib of man; Not from his head to be thought
of only, nor from his hand to be owned, nor from his foot to be
beneath, but from under his arm to be protected, from his side to be equal,
and from his heart to be loved..." -Anonymous




"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it
holds the universe together..."-Carl Zwanzig

"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what's right."
-Isaac Asimov

"We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance." -
Japanese Proverb

"To Do Is To Be"-Descartes "To Be Is To Do"-Sartre "Do Be Do Be
Do"-Sinatra

"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die." - Unknown

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public school."
-Unknown

"Get your mind out of the gutter -- it's blocking my view" -Unknown

"For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
and wrong." -H. L. Mencken

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra. Suddenly it flips over,
pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come." -Nietzsche

"It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue." -Voltaire



145 = 1! + 4! + 5!

No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn
next." - Ed Howe

"If you're not confused you're not paying attention. "- Wall Street
Week

"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence." - H. L. Mencken

"By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean." -
Mark Twain


Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me."
- Ambrose Bierce

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -
unknown

"The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a
hardware store." - Kin Hubbard

"Good judgment comes from experience; and experience, well, that comes
from bad judgment." - Unknown

"If it wasn't for the optimist the pessimist would never know how happy
he isn't." - Unknown

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having
lots to do and not doing it." -Mary Little

"In Heaven an angel is nobody in particular." - George Bernard Shaw

"One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people." -
Lucille S. Harper

"Experience allows you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
"- Franklin P. Jones

"You can observe a lot by just watching. "- Yogi Berra

"Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to people better than you are." -
John Garland Pollard

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's
too dark to read." -Grougho Marx

"It is hard to beleive that a man is telling the truth when you know
that you would lie if you were in his place." - H.L.Mencken

"I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you
looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated." -
Paul Anderson

"I better be going. I have to get up sometime tomorrow." - Jim from
"Taxi"

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick
themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened." - Winston Churchill

"No matter where you go, there you are." - Buckaroo Banzai

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." - Groucho
Marx

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but
phone calls taper off." - Jonny Carson

"Men don't use sex to get what we want, sex is what we want!" -Fraiser

"Sleep is no substitute for caffine." - Chad Doorlag

"Friends...they cherish one another's hopes. They are kind to one
another's dreams." -Henry David Thoreau

"There are two things to aim for in life: first, to get what you want;
and after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the
second."--Logan Pearsall Smith

Irony: God gave the turtle a drag coefficient of 0.3

"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
History simply documents the success of that approach." -Unknown

"For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they
like." -Abraham Lincoln

"war is menstruation envy." -Unknown

"In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded. ( big bang theory
). "

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...' "
-Isaac Asimov

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
it's one of the best". -Woody Allen

"Only presidents, editors and people with tapeworm have the right to
use the editorial 'we.' " -Mark Twain

"While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the truetest is
admission to someone else." - Unknown

"Take these chances, place them in a box until a quieter time, lights
down you up and die" -The Dave Mathew's Band [Ants Marching]








Breaking Up Is Hard To Do... (especially when you share the same major!) 

PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother. 
  
SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship. 
 
ARCHAEOLOGY:One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up. 
  
THEATRE: "OH!  Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!" 
  
BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!" 
  
PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up  must come down. 
  
JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era.  Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, 
	called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..." 
  
WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!" 
  
BUSINESS: Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, 
	and that it's simply cheaper to be single. 
  
HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past. 
  
GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other. 
  
ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway." 
  
ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.

ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete 
with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't  really say anything substantively intelligible. 
  
EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience. 
  
COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes--we just couldn't interface"   
  
E. ENGINEER: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are  positives and negatives, but..." 

ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway..." 
  
PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one  to witness the breakup, are they really single? 
  
CHEMISTRY: "It was just the wrong chemistry between us..." 
  
COUNSELING: Each urges the other to "Get help!" 
  
MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in some parts, a  country song) to express his or her sorrow. 
  
LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement. 




I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.    

I have decided I would like accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again. 

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. 

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle. . . .

....and make ripples with rocks. 

I want to think M&M's are better than money because you can eat them. 

I want to lie under a big tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's  day. 

I want to return to a time when life was simple. 

When all you knew was colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't 
	bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. 

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all 
	the things that should make you worried or upset. 

I want to think the world is fair.  That everyone is honest and good. 

I want to believe that anything is possible. 

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and

be overly excited by the little things again. 

I want to live simple again.   

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, 
	how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, 
	doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. 

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, justice, a kind word, truth, peace, dreams, 
	love, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. 

So....here's my checkbook, my wallet, my car-keys, my credit cards and my 401K statements. 

I am officially resigning from adulthood.  

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause...

"Tag! You're it." 




Never take life too seriously
 
 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
 
 2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
 
 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 
 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar
territory.
 
 5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the
spot.
 
 6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 
 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel
universe.
 
 8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you
say will be
 misquoted, then used against you.
 
 9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be
without sponges.
 
 10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
 
 11. Remember half the people you know are below
average.
 
 12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how
popular it
 remains?
 
 13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
 
 14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
 
 15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
 
 16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
 
 17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines.
 
 18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the
 cheese.
 
 19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
 
 20. I intend to live forever-so far so good.
 
 21. Borrow money from a pessimist-they don't expect
it back.
 
 22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
her friends?
 
 23. Mind like a steel trap-rusty and illegal in 37
states.
 
 24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
 
 25. The only substitute for good manners is fast
reflexes.
 
 26. Support bacteria-they're the only culture some
people have.
 
 27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane and
 going the wrong way.
 
 28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.
 
 29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking.
 
 30. Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.
 
 31. For every action there is an equal and opposite
criticism.
 
 32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed
of checks.
 
 33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker
with.
 
 34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
 
 35. Success always occurs in private and failure in
full view.
 
 36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body
is required on it.
 
 37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional
to the softness of
 the bread.
 
 38. The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the ability to
 reach it.
 
 39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to
steal from many is
 research.
 
 40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to
rise above your
 principles.
 
 41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
 
 42. You never really learn to swear until you learn
to drive.
 
 43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
 
 44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is
no lifeguard.
 
 45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll
have to catch up.
 
 46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
 
 47. Change is inevitable except from vending
machines.
 
 48. Get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great
trade!
 
 49. Plan to be spontaneous-tomorrow.
 
 50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
 
 51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple
of payments.
 
 52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my
hand...
 
 53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real
eye-opener.
 
 54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving
isn't for you.

Subject: Fw: Bumper Stickers

  BUMPER STICKERS SEEN ROUND THE WORLD
  
   -.  Constipated people don't give a crap.
   -.  If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
   -.  If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could  drive better.
   -.  Thank you for pot smoking.
   - -.  If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
   - -.  Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
   - -.  If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
   - -.  Horn broken...watch for finger.
   - -.  It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
   - -.  You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
   - -.  The Earth Is Full - Go Home
   - -.  I Have The Body Of A God......Buddha
   - -.  This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
   - -.  So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
   - -.  Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
   - -.  If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
   - -.  The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
   - -.  Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
   - -.  Illiterate?  Write For Help
   - -.  Honk If Anything Falls Off
   - -.  Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
   - -.  He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
   - -.  I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
   - -.  YOU!  Out Of The Gene Pool!
   - -.  I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
   - -.  Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
   - -.  It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
   - -   I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
   - -.  Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, the bitch fell off..
   - -.  Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
   - -.  If you can read this, please flip me back over...  (seen upside down, on a jeep)
   - -.  Remember folks: Stop lights timed for  35mph are also timed for 70mph.
   - -.  (Reported to be seen on a restaurant)  GUYS: No shirt, no service GALS: No shirt, no charge
   - -.  If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut??
   - -.  Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
   - -.  Axe me about Ebonics
   - -.  Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
   - -.  Boldly going nowhere
   - -.  CAT: The other white meat
   - -.  CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
   - -.  Don't be sexist - broads hate that
   - -.  Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His animal friends
   - -.  Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
   - -.  How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost
   - -.  If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
   - -.  Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
   - -.  Saw it...  Wanted it...  Had a fit...  Got it!
   - -.  WARNING!  Driver only carries $20 in ammunition
   - -.  What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull

Subject: Hmm... 

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up
over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your
lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second
hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an
address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and
where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington
for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still
hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get
mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her
friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf
people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet
them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter,
then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the
whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make
fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with
sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking
lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a
picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game", when we
are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?

Subject: THE SAGA OF MANAGEMENT REVIEWS OF REPORTS

Question: How many feet to mice have?

Original Reply: Mice have four feet.

Mgmt comment: Elaborate.

Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, four of which 
are feet.

Mgmt comment: No discussion of fifth appendage.

Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is a tail.

Mgmt comment: What? Feet with no legs?

Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per mouse.

Mgmt comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages?

Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.

Mgmt comment: Does not fully discuss the issue.

Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped
with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.

Mgmt comment: Descriptive but not decisive.

Revision 6: Allotment for mice will be: FOUR LEG-FOOT ASSEMBLIES, ONE TAIL.
Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would  constitute misapportionment of
scarce appendage assets.

Mgmt comment: Too authoritative, stifles creativity.

Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with
the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin
tail, non functional and ornamental in nature.

Mgmt comment: Too verbose and scientific. Answer the question.

Final Revision: Mice have four feet.

Mgmt comment: Approved.