Rating: PG-14 (Maybe R). I think it’s PG-14 tops, but I don’t want anyone to be
offended.
******************
He knocks on my window, causing me to look up from the homework I've tried to avoid doing. His hands are showed in his pockets as he waits impatiently. He never doubts that I'll let him in. And he's right.
This is the second time this week he's come, the fourth overall. These nights are the only time I get to see him closer than ten feet. I'd like to say they are the only times I get to talk to him, but even now we don't talk much.
I walk over to the window slowly, wishing I had the willpower to ignore him, wanting to tell him to go away. But, I can't, I never will be able to, and I know it. I lift the window frame to let him in.
He stands there looking at me. It's like this every time. Awkward, weird. He knows what he wants, but I always have to make the first move and go to him. It's never the other way around.
I try but I can't seem to get myself to think of
anything, but you
Your breath on my face
Your warm gentle kiss
I taste, the truth
I taste the truth
You knew what I came here for
So, I won't ask for me
I try to wait him out, make him come to me. I have to remember that he's not really back in my life, he's just back in my nights. I want to prove that I'm not that desperate for him, even though I know I am. I'd take him any way I can get him.
But, again, my patience thins. I reach for him, and his passivity is gone. I revel in the feel of his lips on mine, and his hands on my skin, even as I marvel at the illicitness of this. My mom is only a few doors down. Nobody knows about this, nobody will. I would feel like a prostitute if I wasn't so deeply in love with him.
I never know if what he feels for me is really love, or if I'm just there for when he has an itch that needs scratching. I would give anything to know. Or, maybe it's better this way after all. Why ask for a truth I may not be able to handle?
I want this, he wants this. That's all that's going to have to matter right now.
I want to be with you
If only for a night
to be the one thats in your arms
to hold you tight
I want to be with you
there's nothing more to say
there's nothing I want more than to feel this way
I want to be with you, yeah
He slides my shirt up over my head, and as his hands caress the bare skin under there, my train of thought falters. I don't want to think, I only want to feel. But, unwanted, the thoughts come rolling in. And I can't ignore them.
I don't understand him, I don't know how exactly his mind works. It's too dangerous for us to be together. It's apparently in violation of his destiny as a warrior to be with me. But, somehow none of these things come into play when he sleeps with me.
I kiss the top of his head gently as he lips roam over me, in a tender gesture that has no place here. I can't communicate with words he doesn't want to hear, so I convey my love through the tiniest gesture.
I slide his clothes of slowly, surprised again at the sight of him. The utter strength, the masculinity. And, for right now, he's all mine. I concentrate on that.
So I hold you tonight like I would
if you were mine to hold
forever more
and I'll savor each touch
that I wanted so much to feel before
to feel before
how beautiful it is
just to be like this
ohh... baby I can't fight this feeling anymore
drives me crazy when I try to
so call my name
take my hand
can make my wish baby
your command yeah
When he finally enters me, and drives me to heights I've never reached before, it's as amazing as it was the first time.
I take solace in the fact that the man I love was my first, and I was the first for him. No matter the motives, no matter the reasons, it will always be that way, and nothing can take it away.
He lays on top of me, breathing heavily. I don't say anything, just ran my hand slowly up his back. I like the feel of his weight upon me. I never fail to find it surprising that his massive frame doesn't crush me.
Slowly, he gets up, and pulls on his clothes. I squeeze my eyes shut, fighting against the urge to cry and release the pent-up tension. If I cry, he won't come again. I knew when we started, it would be like this, and I chose it anyway.
I feel cold in the bed without him on top of me, in me, warming me inside out. I pull the covers tighter around me, trying to find warmth. He walks over to the window. He pauses halfway out, as if he is going to say something, but goes out quickly.
I wanna be with you
There's nothing more to say
there's nothing else I want
more than to feel this way
I wanna be with you
oh yeah
I wanna be with you
wanna be with you
yeah
I wanna be, I wanna be with you
yeah
I wanna be, I wanna be with you
I wanna be with you yeah
I wanna be with you
I know that it's not only this physical pleasure I want. I want to be with him, it's what I've always wanted.
I'll take him any way I can get him. And if this is it, so be it.
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