Breathing Space
Chapter Two
I’m Sorry
Lantash sat looking at the folded piece of paper in his hand wondering what he would find in it. Did she no longer love them? Was this a letter of good-bye? No, his Samantha was not a coward, if she no longer loved them, she would tell them to their face, not on a piece of paper. Besides, she did love them, this letter would say nothing of lost love, it would explain her motives and reasons behind her departure.
/I am sure you are correct, Lantash. Samantha loves us. We know that. We must not allow our imagination to hold sway. Open the letter, and let us read it, dear one./
He felt Lantash sigh, before he said, softly, /I know you are correct. I know she loves us. I know I must open and read it to see if she has told us where she is. And I will do so now,/ he finished firmly, as he slowly unfolded the letter and began to read.
* * * * * * * * * *
My dearest loves,
I’m so sorry. That’s the first thing I must say. I know that by the time you get this letter, I will be wondering what possessed me to do what I’ve done. But, right now, I know exactly why I am doing this, and that is what I have to try to explain to you.
Please don’t think this is your fault, or Janet’s or Daniel’s or Jack’s or Teal’c’s or anyone else you can think that might have caused it. The fault, if there is fault, is mine.
For some reason, I seem to have lost my ability to make people understand what I mean or want. I no longer seem to have the ability to speak clearly or plainly enough that people can hear me and know that I mean what I am saying. People no longer believe that I still a have a mind, and that I know what I want and/or need. I think it is my fault that I can no longer make people hear me. I’m sure it has something to do with the hormones raging through my body as that is what everyone keeps assuring me is causing all kinds of odd things that are happening to me. If food cravings, crying jags, and nausea can be hormonal, then I’m sure my sudden inability to communicate my needs are, too.
I’m sorry. I’m well aware that the above paragraph is ridiculous. But, that’s the way that I’ve been feeling. Not just today, or yesterday, but for weeks and weeks, now. It’s as if I no longer exist. My body exists. It’s pregnant and carrying a very, very, special child. A miracle child. And I’m really, really, glad. I want this baby. I want another one after it is born. I want to be cuddled when I cry and comforted when I’m sick. I want my body to be cared for and the precious cargo it is carrying to be fine and healthy.
What I don’t want is for Samantha to disappear and become invisible. I don’t want people to become suddenly deaf when I tell them what I need or want. I don’t want this miracle baby to become a scientific oddity to be studied, prodded, and poked either before, or after, it is born. I don’t want my opinion to suddenly be unimportant, silly, or wrong, simply because I’m pregnant. Pregnant doesn’t equal stupid, childish, incompetent, or inefficient.
I’m so sorry. I tried, I really, really tried to tell you, but I couldn’t break out of the mold I’ve been put into. I tried and tried to explain to Janet, to Daniel, even to Jack and the General. But, no one could hear me. Or, if they did, they wrote it off to my hormones.
So, I’m sorry. I didn’t want it to come to this. I didn’t want to leave you. God, I miss you so much, already. I need you, Lantash. I know you have control while you are reading this, because Martouf is so angry at me he would hurt himself, or destroy something, if you gave him control. You will be in such pain, Lantash, because of me, and I am so sorry.
I need you, Martouf. I know you are looking over Lantash’s shoulder, reading this with him, and holding him, comforting him, perhaps kissing and caressing him to help him to cope. Even though you are extremely angry, I know you are caring for him. You are assuring him the two of you will find me, and I pray you will because I don’t think I can stand to be gone from you for long. It’s already been to long, and I haven’t even left yet.
I wish I was less independent, less decisive, and more what you need me to be. I do realize that my inability to accept being taken care of so completely is really at the bottom of this. If I could just relax and accept it, as the General suggested, it would not be a problem. But I don’t seem to be able to do that, and for that I truly am sorry. I did try, I really did. You have no idea how upset I am at myself because I failed in my attempt to change for you. I hope I haven’t upset you so much you won’t come for me. I really need you both so much, already. I guess in some ways, I am not thinking clearly, because I feel that I have to leave, and yet, I also want you to come for me as soon as possible, because I want, I need, to be with you, near you.
But, please, don’t come for me until you can hear me, because as much as I can’t stand to live without you in my life, I can’t stand to live with you without me in your life. I know you think you have no clue as to where I am, but once you begin to believe me, then you will be able to find me. If all else fails, ask Daniel. No, I didn’t tell him I was leaving or where I was going, but he is very astute.
I do love you both very, very much. Please try to understand. And come to me, my loves. Soon. I’m waiting for you.
Your Samantha.
P.S. Please don’t be angry anymore. I’m really sorry, and by now I’m crying myself to sleep every night, missing you. Hurry. S.C.
* * * * * * * * * *
They read the letter through a second and third time before Martouf sighed, and said, /So you were correct, Lantash. It is our fault she has left us./ Martouf sounded bewildered, hurt, and confused. /Did we truly treat her as if she did not exist? Surely, we did not. We made love to her the morning we left on our mission. Very passionately, in fact, she…/ Martouf stopped speaking, and Lantash knew that he, too, had realized why Samantha had loved them so very lovingly and passionately that morning. She had known she would be gone when they returned.
/She is not telling us we did not see her physical body, Martouf. You are refusing to see the truth. I can see you retreating from the real meanings in this letter. At no point did she say we did not love her, or desire her. Our physical desire was probably the only thing that allowed her to remain with us as long as she did. Had we insisted that stop, too, then no doubt she would have left before now. You must be honest with yourself. And we both must admit the truth. By not attending to her needs, rather than our own, we have forced her to run from us before we smothered her, and her love of us, to death./
Martouf sighed, and Lantash could feel the waves of remorse that flowed through him, as he began to accept the words Samantha had written. /Are you saying that she no longer loves us, Lantash? She says she loves us in the letter. Do you believe she was not telling us the truth?/ Martouf asked, fear again coloring his voice, but this time it was a different kind of fear. He could not bear to lose their Samantha’s love and as Lantash’s words slowly sank in, he realized what could, indeed, might already have happened.
/No, I am not saying that she no longer loves us, but I am saying that she left so that her love would remain. Our actions could have caused her to become so resentful of us that it killed her love for us. Thank the Universe that she had enough sense to see that it could happen and decided to do something about it before that happened, before her resentment turned her emotions against us. You know as well as I that it could have happened if she had not done something, and talking to us obviously was not working. She probably felt it was the only way to save our bonding, our relationship. No doubt she was afraid of what would happen if things did not change, /Lantash replied, all the bitterness and self loathing he was feeling coming through in his tone.
/You are right, of course, but I am sorry, Lantash, I cannot yet be thankful that she did this to save our relationship. I will be thankful when she is home, in our arms, and loving us. I am afraid there is still to much anger and fear within me to be thankful, or appreciate, what she has done. Would it not have been better if she had simply become angry and yelled at us to stop what we were doing?/ Martouf wanted to know, as his fear once again made itself felt, as he thought of all the things that could have happened to the woman they loved so much.
/Tell me, Martouf, would we have listened if she had become angry and upset over any of this? What if she had become so upset she cried? Or so angry that she cried? What if she had become angry, thrown things, yelled, and screamed at us? How would we have reacted?/
/I – I do not really know, Lantash. Perhaps, we would have listened more carefully to what she was saying. Perhaps, we would have tried harder to see that she was given what she needed./ Martouf replied, but his voice sounded doubtful.
Lantash snorted. /We would have let her rant and rave, scream and cry. We would have promised her that things would change, we would have taken her into our arms, and we would have loved her physically, while we completely ignored her emotional needs. We would have done nothing different from what we have already done. We would have warned people to be less obvious for a day or so, to be more discreet in their monitoring of her. We would have blamed her hormones for her emotional outburst and ignored it, just as we have ignored every request she has made. At least, I know that I would have. I have done it over and over, and I have no reason to believe that I would react any differently to an angry Samantha./ Lantash was brutally honest about what his own response would have been.
Martouf was quiet for a moment, before saying softly, /Stop blaming yourself, Lantash. We agreed on our actions, all of them. I, too, refused to let her go to the Tok’Ra and made sure that she was never alone or lonely. In fact, I am the one that talked to the people in the cafeteria about being sure she ate well-balanced meals. You are no more to blame than I am. If there is blame to be laid then it must be laid on both of us./
Feeling the bleakness of despair begin to overtake Lantash again, Martouf continued, /I believe we must take this letter to the others, Lantash. There is nothing in it so private that it would be inappropriate for them to see it./
After pausing for a moment, still feeling the dark emotions trying to overtake them, and receiving no answer, he said, /Lantash, you must not allow your despair to take over, for I depend on you to help me, and you must see to it that I do not allow my feelings to overwhelm us either, for you depend on me. We must comfort and help each other, Lantash, please. I love you. Do not abandon me./
Realizing what he was doing, Lantash responded, forcing himself to push the emotional abyss away, /I am sorry. You are correct, of course, and we do depend on one another. Thank you. And I agree about showing it to the others. Samantha says that if we cannot figure out where she has gone to ask Daniel. I see no point in a futile search for her. I have no idea where she might have gone, and if Daniel might know then we should ask him first. Perhaps later, I will be able to think more clearly and so shall you, but at the moment neither of us is capable of sensible thought. Therefore, we will turn to our – friends. They have become our friends, and they will help us if we ask. So that is what we will do./
Feeling the determination and hope enter Lantash, Martouf gave a sigh of relief. He then embraced his symbiote. He would be more careful of the emotions he released. Lantash needed him in this crisis and he needed Lantash. They would go and see the others, and then they would begin their search for Samantha and hope that wherever she had chosen to go, she was safe. She had to be safe. No other thought was acceptable.
Lantash and Martouf walked back towards the General’s office, where they had been informed about Samantha. No doubt, the group would have dispersed by now and would have to be recalled to read the letter.
/I am sure they will not mind being recalled, Lantash./ Martouf said softly. /They all care very much for Samantha. It is their caring and ours that has brought this about./ He paused for a moment, before asking, /Lantash, did Samantha not realize that we were only concerned because we love her? That everything everyone has done was only done for love of her? Why is she rejecting our love in this way?/
Lantash sighed, saying, /She is not rejecting our love of her. She is rejecting being smothered. Yes, what was done, was done out of love for her, but put yourself in her place. How would you feel?/
Martouf was quiet for a moment, /You mean how would I feel if she would never let us out of her sight and insisted that we always had someone with us? If she insisted, we ate certain things and slept when she told us to? If she insisted we did not really know what we wanted, and that she knew what we wanted better than we did? And any other of the things we did because we love her?/ He paused. /I would hate it./
/Yes. So would
Hearing the general’s voice tell them to enter, he opened the door and was surprised to see the same group of people still seated around the room. He looked at them blankly, unable to understand why they were all still there.
The General cleared his throat, and said quietly, “We thought you might be back after you had some time to read the letter and be alone for a while. Do you know where she’s gone, son?”
Martouf knew at once that General Hammond was upset. He only called them son during times of extreme emotional distress. His or theirs, he now realized. This time he was sure it was both.
Realizing that Martouf now had his emotions under a very tight control, Lantash released to him as he approached General Hammond. While they had all become somewhat used to Lantash and his rather dry wit and acerbic ways, they still usually appeared more comfortable with Martouf. Whether they were simply startled by the glowing eyes, or were just not yet sure how to take his statements, it was simpler, and more comfortable, to let them deal with Martouf. Thank the universe, Samantha was not uncomfortable with him. In fact, she seemed to revel in being with him, and it was a balm to him at times, here amongst the Tau’ri. Martouf was aware of it, also, and he often made sure that Lantash spent time in control when they were with Samantha. Possibly more time than he would ordinarily be in control.
Martouf handed the letter to the General who looked at him with raised brows. “There is nothing there of an intimate or extremely private nature, General Hammond. It simply explains why she left as she did,” Martouf said quietly, before turning and taking a seat. He sat quietly staring at the wall as the General finished the letter. “Please pass it to the others, and I would prefer Daniel had it last, as he is the one she pointed us to for information.”
The General nodded and handed the letter off, while Daniel looked startled. “Why me? I don’t know anything.”
“She was very plain that she had told you nothing, but she said that if we could not figure out where she was to ask you. She said that you were very astute. I see no point in playing a guessing game and looking all over the universe, if you will be able to figure out where she has gone. The sooner we find her the sooner...” He stopped talking as he realized he had almost said; the sooner they would bring her back. Had he learned nothing? “The sooner we can take her home to the Tok’Ra Tunnels, where she has been asking us to take her now for weeks. Once I find her, this time, I will listen to what she is saying,” he stated grimly.
"Don't take the blame completely on yourself, Martouf. We were all guilty of not listening to her. As she stated, she even tried to talk to me. I told her to relax and enjoy being coddled," General Hammond sighed. Shaking his head he continued, "All of us were blind and deaf to what she was saying. Sam Carter is a brilliant, dedicated, and decisive woman. We all should have known she meant what she was saying and knew her own mind. We screwed up, and I just hope that nothing happens to her. We need to get her back safe and sound, and whether that is here, or in the tunnels, is irrelevant."
"I agree up to a point, General, however, the truth is that in the end the blame lies squarely on my shoulders. She has told me these same things repeatedly, and I have failed to hear her each time. Oh, I paid lip service to what she asked of me. I would ask Janet not to run any more tests for a few days. I would have her assistant make herself scarce for a day or so as long as we were on base and could be in her lab with her instead. I agreed to assign Nyan to her, even knowing she was feeling crowded by what we were doing."
"And I am the one who refused to consider her request each time she asked to return to the tunnels. I even refused to take her for a visit or allow her to go without me to see them. Looking back, I can see that if I had just let her go for a few days, it probably would have relieved a lot of her feelings of being smothered. But I did not, and now Martouf and I shall pay the price for our stubbornness," Lantash came to the fore to accept the blame.
/It is not all your fault, Lantash. I am equally to blame. I could have stopped this, too. I would have refused to take her to the tunnels, so even that is not simply your decision./ Martouf assured him.
/Thank you, Martouf, but I know what I have done./
"We decided she shouldn't go through the gate, Lantash. We don't know what affect it will have on the baby. I'm concerned that…"
"Janet, while you did not want Samantha to go through the gate, I went along with you only because it was easier. Women have been traveling though the gate while they were with child for millennia with no adverse affects. I realize your race has not done so, but many peoples all over the universe have used it with no ill effects. I should not have agreed, knowing there was no danger, but it seemed easier not to argue the point. It was my mistake and I take full responsibility. We should not have tried to confine her in such a way. It was wrong of us."
Janet stared at him as his words sank in and then she nodded abruptly. "You are probably right, but I have no data to base an opinion on. I could not, in good conscience allow her to go."
"That is very true, but I could have with no qualms at all. I did not, so as I pointed out, the blame is mine."
Janet sighed, "No, it is also mine. I should have listened to you. You have seen two thousand years of gate travel. You would know if it was a problem. I just didn't want her away from me and my medical care. I'm sorry."
"You were doing what you perceived as your job. I should have overruled you, and I did not. It matters not at this point. Needless to say, when we get her back, I will not try to stop her."
Noticing that Daniel had finished reading the letter and laid it aside, a frown on his face, Martouf came forward to ask, "Do you know where she is, Daniel?"
"What? Oh, um, no, I, um, I have no idea," Daniel said quickly. "Listen, there isn't anything I can do here to help you. I'll give it some more thought, and it may come to me. I may want to talk to you and Lantash later though. I just want to let it kind of soak in first," he stated. Standing abruptly, he said, "I'll talk to you all later," before he left the room, to everyone's surprise.
There was a stunned silence in the room he left, before Jack said, "What's eating Daniel?"
No one answered. They all appeared puzzled by his behavior until Lantash came forward to say, "I would guess that Daniel believes he knows where she has gone, but is not yet sure enough to tell us. I would also speculate that he is unsure of whether he wants to tells us, meaning Martouf and myself, for the most part, but probably all of us to some extent, once he is sure."
"Why wouldn't Daniel want to tell us, or you?" Janet asked.
"Because he read one line several times from what I could tell. I would guess it is the line that states that she would prefer we did not come to find her until we are sure we can hear her, and Daniel is not sure that any of us, perhaps including himself, can hear her yet. We are all in shock right now. However, once that shock wears off, if she were here, would we revert to treating her as before? That, I believe, is what he is pondering," Lantash answered quietly. "I can only hope he figures out the answer soon and that it is in our favor, for I am not sure how long Martouf and I can stand not knowing if she is alright."
Janet looked at them for a moment and realized how very tense Martouf’s body was. Both of them were barely holding on, and it would take very little to push one or both of them over the edge. “Lantash, do you believe that if you knew where she was that you and Martouf could leave her there? I mean, not go after her? Would it ease you to know that much even if you didn’t go after her right away?” She asked, as she watched them carefully.
“It would certainly help somewhat, Janet. I do not know how long I could keep from going after her, though. So, if you are asking me if I could contain myself, if Daniel told us where he believes she is, then the only truthful answer I can give you is that I do not know, but I would certainly try not to go after her immediately. I believe it would relieve some of the fear I am feeling for her safety if I knew that wherever she went, she would be cared for and safe.”
“Sooo, if Daniel knows, or is fairly sure he knows, and he tells you that she is someplace safe, it would help some?”
Lantash sighed deeply and closed his eyes. Dear Universe, could he leave it at that for a while? Could he stand not knowing exactly where she was? Yes. It would not set his mind and heart completely at peace, but it would make him feel somewhat better. “I believe that it would help for a short time. I do not know how long I would be able to go before having to know where she was, but if I was fairly certain that she was all right, then I think I could live with it for a few days,” he answered her. “I cannot answer for Martouf, however, and he is still considering your question.”
Martouf came forward and looked at her for a long moment, before saying, “I do not know, but since Lantash could stop me from doing anything foolish, I could promise that I would not do anything that he would not.”
He smiled wryly, then added, “One of the more pleasant aspect of the symbiote being able to take control of the host’s body is that they can sometimes keep us from doing truly foolish things that would help no one. I realize none of you finds that acceptable, but it is something that we learn to understand and appreciate. Just as Lantash suppressed me earlier, for had he not, there is no doubt that we would be under arrest, and perhaps owe you for some broken furniture. He was not lying to you when he told you that I tend to break things when I am in a rage. It is the reason I attempt to never allow myself to become that angry, but this caught me off guard, and I was very upset.”
He sighed then, saying, “However, I do not believe in hitting women or those who could not fight back, so do not think I would ever take my anger out on Samantha. I do not believe in that, and I would never do so, regardless how angry I was. I tend to take it out on inanimate objects, unless of course it is a Goa’uld in which case I am more than happy to let my anger have its way.” He assured them, realizing what they could be thinking.
Janet nodded in understanding, but her answer, if she had one, was never spoken, as Daniel made his presence known. He stood in the open doorway, his head bowed, and his hands in his pockets.
“Lantash? Could I talk to you and Martouf? Maybe after you are finished here, if you would come to my office? I’d like to ask you some questions about things Sam may have said to you. She may even have told you where she was going, just not in so many words.”
“We can come at any time, Daniel. I do not believe there is anything else we can do here. We have all read the letter, and we all know why Samantha left. What none of us, except perhaps you, knows is where she has gone.” Lantash answered him at once.
“Well, I think you do know where she is, I just think you aren’t thinking clearly. Be sure you bring the letter when you come. I’ll make a pot of coffee,” he stated quietly, before turning and leaving again.
Lantash and Martouf stood. It seemed that Daniel had at least decided to talk to them about it. Perhaps they would soon have some hope, or, if nothing else, some easing of their worry.
He turned to the people in the room before following Daniel, “Martouf and I would like to thank you all for,” he paused not sure how to say what he was feeling, but forced himself to continue, “we would like to thank you all for standing our friends. Your support is appreciated, and we know that you all care very much for Samantha. You are as worried as we are; we realize that. You cannot blame us anymore than we blame ourselves, and the fact that you are being supportive, instead of reviling us, has gone neither unnoticed nor unappreciated.”
Jack suddenly spoke up, although he had said almost nothing before, “Carter loves both of you. If we’ve learned nothing else in the past few months, and I’m not saying we haven’t, we’ve learned that. You’re part of our team. We take care of our own. We’ll find her. Daniel’s damn smart when you give him a puzzle. He’ll figure it out, and he won’t be able to watch you suffer, so I doubt if he will let you go long without telling you once he figures it out.”
“Indeed, Lantash, I concur. DanielJackson is a very intelligent man and he is very good at seeing things that others do not. I agree also with O’Neill. We will find MajorCarter. She would not have gone anywhere unsafe. I think we should all remember that she, too, is a very intelligent person, and she wants this child very much. She would not take chances with its life or her own. Wherever she has gone, it is a safe place.”
Lantash nodded, as he thought of what both men had said. They were right. Samantha was intelligent, and she wanted this child very much. She would never deliberately do anything to put it into jeopardy. “You are both correct, and I do not know why we did not think of that ourselves. Samantha is somewhere safe. She would never consider putting our child in danger because she was upset with us. Your comments alone have helped a great deal and have helped us to rein in our runaway imaginations. Thank you.” Lantash said quietly.
“You’re welcome. Go see what Daniel has to say. My bet is that he thinks he knows, but he needs some more info to be absolutely sure. We’ll see you later this evening. Now go.”
Smiling slightly, for the first time since they had come back from their last mission, Lantash nodded and headed for Daniel’s office. They were right, and Daniel probably held the key. He just hoped he’d allow him to take it and unlock the door.
TBC
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