New Respect for the World's Oldest Pastime With the patience and focus of a Japanese "teishu" preparing for a tea ceremony, I lay out the instruments of ritual on the pale blue carpet of my living room floor.  One small jar of handcream - aloe vera and vitamin E. Two delicately folded paper towels.  One sofa cushion.  And finally - and for me most importantly - one well-worn VHS tape, in this case bearing the title, Backdoor Babes. Twenty minutes later, panting and sweating like a marathon runner, I collapse in an arm chair and begin to reflect on one of life's most simple yet misunderstood little pleasures.  For something that takes up so much of our time, it has taken years for masturbation to live down its bad wrap.  And I'm afraid we're not over the hump yet. Long gone are the days of hairy palms and blindness. Instead, fear and shame have given way to plausible deniability - a sort of "don't ask, don't tell" policy.   So where does a self-respecting narcissist go to revel in the joys of auto eroticism?  Well, like most everything else, the Internet has breathed new life into this ancient and revered practice, providing a new forum for wacking afficianados. A quick search draws nearly 30 web sites dedicated to jerkin the gerkin (or slamming the clam depending upon what equipment your using) offering everything from how-to instructionals and discussion boards to an examination of masturbation on film.  The Net hosts such domains as Jackin World (http://www.jackinworld.com), which deems itself the "Ultimate Male Masturbation Reseource", and Wankers Over 50 (http://www.wankers.com), a site catering solely to men reaching retirement age who are apparently concerned about what to do with all that extra time on their hands.   But things weren't always so.  Just ask Strokeman (aka Brian), the reigning Godfather of masturbation on the Internet, and the host of two websites dedicated to the subject. What started in 1997 as Clubstroke (http://www.bmcg.com/clubstroke) quickly blossomed into a veritable wankers paradise, drawing more than 50,000 unique users per day.  "When I started the page, there were only 2 or 3 other sites dedicated to masturbation," says Strokeman. "As a result I had a TON of traffic right away."  Strokeman's other page, simply called Masturbation Page (http://www.masturbationpage.com/asmfaq.html), provides a host of useful information on technique (perhaps you're looking to change from "old reliable" to something a bit more creative, say "the belly scratch"); dangers (on autofellatio, "WARNING: This is not possible for everyone, and you can injure yourself trying to do it"), and even references to masturbation in popular song.  But that's not all that's out there.  In the midst of all this, there's even a page devoted to helping individuals concerned about their bouts of self love.  Overcoming Masturbation (http://nowscape.com/mormon/mormast.htm), a self-described "Guide to Self Control" maintained by the Mormon Church, insists, "Masturbation is a sinful habit that robs one of the Spirit and creates guilt and emotional stress".   That's right kiddies, the Church of the Latter Day Saints doesn't want you stroking the weasel, but then with three wives at home who needs to masturbate anyway? The author encourages young men to resist their un-Godly urges with recommendations like this one, "When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell stop to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a pre-chosen scripture or sing an inspirational hymn". Yea, right. So how much time do we really spend peeling the banana? I'm glad you asked.. If we assume that the average person jerks off only twice a week, say 15 minutes a session,  by the time that person reaches the age of 80 he or she would have dedicated over 2,000 hours to self abuse - that's nearly a full 100 days. Granted, that might not sound like much in the whole scheme of things, but imagine going to work every day for nearly a year and doing nothing but stroking - and that's without a lunch break. Add to that those marathon sessions of our youth (an old girlfriend of mine masturbated three times a day every day from the age of 13 until she was 20) and its no wonder we can never find the time for anything. We all have our own style.  Some more extravagent than others. One girl I spoke to said that she simply held her legs pressed tightly against eachother while she vigorously rubbed her clit until coming. Very utilitarian, low maintenance you might say.  For others, the job isn't complete without a plastic bag over the head, a string of beads up the ass and the pungent aroma of dirty sweat socks.  I guess I fall somewhere in the middle. I prefer to be completely naked if possible.  A cushion or pillow placed under my knees as I kneel on the floor.  Lubrication is nice, though not always neccessary, and I have in fact come to regard it as a special treat to be enjoyed only occassionally.  I personally prefer some kind of visual stimulation. Still shots just don't do it - it's got to be video. But in a pinch, imagination alone can work wonders. For some people, the danger of getting caught provides an added thrill, equal to, if not more appealing than the act itself. One friend of mine prides himself on having jerked off at every job he has ever held. In 15 years this has included everything from restaurants to offices, plus the commendable feat of having yanked it while seated on a moving tractor.  It's this spirit of spontaneous pleasure, the idea that at any given time it is in our power to unleash the rush of orgasm, the hot flush of sexuality, that makes jacking off so appealing - and also so forbidden. Regardless of where we do it, how we do it, when we do it, or why we do it, masturbation - like breathing, eating and pissing - is one of those unspoken human traits we all share. So, the next time you're sitting in your boss's office getting reamed out for one thing or another, sit back and imagine the fat lout greased from head to toe in baby oil pulling his pud with women's panties over his head and suddenly things won't seem that bad anymore.