HOMER
SIMPSON QUOTES
Everybody likes Homer Simpson, he's a
brilliant, sexy man, great father and model employee.
Here are some enlightening quotes from Homer Simpson:
- Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean
I'm not listening.
- Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the
dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark,
they shoot bees at you?
- Son, when you participate in sporting events,
it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
- Kids, you tried your best and you failed
miserably. The lesson is, never try.
- It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a
troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
- Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat
any animal again? What about bacon?
- Lisa: No.
- Homer: Ham?
- Lisa: No!
- Homer: Pork chops?
- Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same
animal!
- Homer: He he he... ooh... yeah... right,
Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal.
- Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice
of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
- Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl
Warren?
- Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
- Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
- Homer: But every time I learn something new, it
pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making
course and forgot how to drive?
- Marge: That's because you were drunk!
- Homer: And how!
- Operator! Give me the number for 911!
- Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
- Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of
my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
- Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson,
may I ask why you're here?
- Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say
revenge.
- Homer: Ummm... revenge?
- Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta
here. (step step step step step...slam)
- Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me,
and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can
continue killing you with beer.
- Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
- Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
- Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
- Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do
I have to draw you a picture?
- Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look
good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get
one! (chugs beer)
- Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries
a terrible curse.
- Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
- Old man: But it comes with a free serving of
frozen yogurt!
- Homer: That's good!
- Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
- Homer: That's bad.
- Old man: But it comes with your choice of
toppings!
- Homer: That's good!
- Old man: The toppings contain potassium
benzoate...
- Homer: (confused look)
- Old man: That's bad.
- Homer: Can I go now?
- Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is
to say you're prejudiced against all races.
- Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
- Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
- Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse
psychology.
- Homer: Okay, I will!
- Homer: When I first heard that Marge was
joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like
that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and
disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
- Marge: Homer, did you call the audience
"Chicken"?
- Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
- Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of
carpet samples.
- Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
- Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
- Homer: Did you wreck the car?
- Bart: No.
- Homer: Did you raise the dead?
- Lisa: Yes.
- Homer: But the car's okay?
- Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
- Homer: All right then.
- Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
- (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good
to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish
me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy
bidding will be done (munch munch munch).
- What's the point of going out? We're just going
to wind up back here anyway.