Badass Attire
As I was undressing to get into the shower today (stop masturbating for a second), I realized how badass my dress and general appearance could be. So out of complete boredom, let's take you through a tour of my most badass features, head to toe.

  • Occasional Afro

    • Nothing says "take you to the hole" (meaning an attempt to "drive" or dribble past the opponent in order to score a basket in the game of basketball, for the white) more than the true afro. And yes, the picture is my real hair, stop asking.

  • Intimidating Stare

    • That look that you probably get if you say something extremely stupid or irritating? This is it. The drill sergeant intimidation is a specialty of mine...bitch. Prepare for some intimidation next time you give me some stupid ass comment.

  • Mountain Man Beard

    • For those of you that live around me and see me, you'll know I generally get too lazy to shave, and my extreme man-ness creates a forest of hair. I decided to shave today (without shaving cream for some parts, leaving that rough, torn, manly, kick-your-ass feeling where the beard used to be). It took two razors (and nearly a chainsaw) to hack off all of it. It was quite the spectacle.

  • Terry Tate Shirt

    • I frequently don the #56 jersey of the Office Linebacker, Terrible Terry Tate. Most people have seen the commercials where Terry lays the smackdown on office slackers in hilarious fashion. If not, check out his videos. So I could wind up for a big hit at any time while wearing this shirt. Don't mess with Tate.

  • Gangster Hooded Sweatshirt

    • Out of disrespect for the punkish types, I won't call it a hoodie, even though they didn't come up with that. It's still said mostly by them...but anyway, that's not the point. I am 100% gangster while wearing this hooded sweatshirt, especially with the hood up. So don't mess, G. For shizzle.

  • Baller Shorts

    • The baller shorts represent an urge to play basketball or any sport, for that matter. Those mesh, or cotton, or nylon, or whatever the hell they are shorts are my basic summer and non-caring attire below the belt.

  • Captain Morgan Boxers

    • Yes, alcohol-related undergarments cannot be disputed as King of Cool. I know it's a bit of a contradiction, me being a ninja and all and wearing pirate boxers, but Captain Morgan is one of three cool pirates: Maddox, Matt Pietro, and the Cap'n himself. And for all you teenage girls out there, Johnny Depp is not a pirate. I don't care how "hott" he is. Pirates are not supposed to be "hott."

  • Jungle Legs

    • Nothing like some hairy-ass legs to represent super man-ness. And saying the word "super" reminded me of that stupid word "uber." I really don't like it; there's just something fad-ish about it. Fads blow, uber blows, and Philly sucks.

  • Worn-Out Shoes

    • The basic basketball shoe, used for all things and used well. Only change shoes when they fall off your feet, as my old shoes did to me in the middle of an EPYAL game. The shoes literally fell apart and I had to use my dad's shoes for the rest of the game. How badass.
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