Golden Corral burns down, and out of the ashes comes Fire Mountain (the verbal irony is just killing me), the best damn restaurant I've ever been to (except for possibly Kong). For those of you that don't know and can't figure it out from the first sentence, Fire Mountain is a new restaurant on the Carlisle Pike that was built when the Golden Corral burned down. Sorry to be condescending, but I know some people that will be reading this don't even have an IQ. Anyway. I decided that I would have a battle royale complete with my commentary. Fire Mountain versus all of the finer things in life...and I have a feeling that Fire Mountain will be coming out on top.
Experience: The world's oldest profession, so to speak. But Fire Mountain
is pretty up-and-coming. I'll take Fire just to be controversial.Edge: Fire Mountain
Fun: Depends how hungry you are. If you're starving, Fire Mountain is more fun.
If you're not so hungry and looking for some ho action, hoes win. To be honest,
I haven't been hungry in years. Comes with constant eating. Edge: Hoes
Quality: No matter what, I know that at Fire Mountain, I will not be getting sloppy seconds.Edge: Fire Mountain
Bang for your Buck: Prostitution is generally illegal. Edge: Fire Mountain
Statement: I don't care what anyone says about the food at Fire Mountain, it's
fucking amazing. All red meat lovers love Fire Mountain, period.
Overall: Fire Mountain
Experience: Reid has a Super Bowl title as an asst. coach and
a Super Bowl visit as a head coach. Turned the Eagles from a joke
into a contender, but good luck explaining that to an Eagles fan. The
Mountain of Fire has some work to do catching up there.Edge: Andy Reid
Fun: Ever seen an Andy Reid press conference? Not exactly going to be
your favorite guy to drink a beer with. Is also very fat and will probably
raid your 'fridge.Edge: Fire Mountain
Quality: I'd rather have Fire Mountain than a cheesesteak.Edge: Fire Mountain
Bang for your Buck: Reid is likely underpaid for the work that he has done for
that miserable fanbase. Fire Mountain can be a ripoff if you suck at eating.Edge: Andy Reid
Statement: Seriously. Right now it's tied up, but how could you ever like Andy Reid
better than Fire Mountain?
Overall: Fire Mountain
Experience: A former Weis manager and hilarious Geometry teacher, Shane
Kelly is currently in hiding from his former students. Kelly's credentials
are questionable at best. Give the edge to the proven
commodity.Edge: Fire Mountain
Fun: Shane Kelly is absolutely hilarious. The unintentional comedy scale (read
ESPN.com's Bill Simmons) breaks every time the guy opens his mouth. I used
to laugh just at the sight of him, and it's not because he's a fatass. Jokes such as:
"we're getting out after lunch...at 2:42!" take the cake here. Edge: Shane Kelly
Quality: No-brainer. Fire Mountain.Edge: Fire Mountain
Bang for your Buck: Shane Kelly will confuse the hell out of you for the low
price of a starting teacher's salary. This is not a good thing.Edge: Fire Mountain
Statement: As much as I love the hilarity of Shane Kelly, the score is three to one. Sorry.
Overall: Fire Mountain
Experience: Not really a relevant category. Both are tried
and proven.Edge: Push
Fun: Extremely difficult. I would say that both have their ups and downs, basically
because gambling gives you the extremes of life -- extreme high and extreme
low, no matter how much money you're gambling. Edge: Push
Quality: Food's quality is always better than gambling's quality.Edge: Fire Mountain
Bang for your Buck: $5 can be turned into $50 within a few hours. All you can do
at Fire Mountain is lose $10.Edge: Poker
Statement: This should just be a push, but poker is really pissing me off lately. I'm
sick of getting called down by 6/2 and losing to two pair. I'm seriously sick of it. I swear,
someday I'm going to be at the final table in the main event at the WSOP and some
dumbass is going to dick me over badly. That's when you'll see real anger.
Overall: Fire Mountain
Experience: Taylor, two years in the NFL, a lifetime of hilarious moments
already. Spitting, shooting, and dominating. He cannot be surpassed.Edge: Sean Taylor
Fun: Sean Taylor is the most fun NFL player to watch, period. The guy
comes out of nowhere and makes insane plays. If the ball is being
thrown over the middle on the Redskins, you just know he's coming. Just watch
highlights of the Tampa Bay game; he comes from absolutely nowhere to
scoop up the fumble for a TD. Edge: Sean Taylor
Quality: Taylor's salary is comparably meager. Don't get me wrong, I love the fried
chicken at Fire, but you can't argue with Taylor's punishment.Edge: Sean Taylor
Bang for your Buck: Just watch a Redskins game. Seriously. If Taylor isn't
getting ejected, this guy is a nightmare.Edge: Sean Taylor
Statement: Fire Mountain is good, but Sean Taylor is fucking amazing. Just watch
a game. Just one game.
Overall: Sean Taylor
Experience: Tough to argue against Chuck here. Karate championships, movies,
Walker: Texas Ranger...Edge: Chuck Norris
Fun: Training in the art of roundhouse kicks is not fun, it's work.Edge: Fire Mountain
Quality: Historians would record it as the worst mistake ever made if I were to say
that Chuck Norris is not high quality.Edge: Chuck Norris
Bang for your Buck: I spent $20 on my Chuck Norris t-shirt. That's two trips
to Fire Mountain in exchange for a permanent shirt. Edge: Chuck Norris
Statement: Just go to Google and type "Chuck Norris facts." You'll understand.
Overall: Chuck Norris