Madden, Still Alive?
By: Matt Pietro

WHY is John Madden still alive? How old is he now, 70-somthing? Honestly, people...stab this guy in the throat if you see him because JOHN MADDEN NEEDS TO DIE.

"Why does John need to die?" you might ask, well...he's old and stupid. Old and stupid people need to die, it decreases chances of overpopulation and give me more food to eat. I don't even know why this guy has a job anymore...I mean he knows as much about football as my great-aunt, who is in fact dead, so she knows nothing...most likely because she was too old and stupid to keep herself alive.

And about the video games...they shouldn't even be called "Madden 'XX", I mean what purpose does he serve in the game other than be their goofy, fat-ass mascot? Oh, but he comments on the games! I forgot about that, I remember hearing one of his intelligent comments while playing; "Notice how the (insert team name)s just made a touchdown, must have been because they have a good offense or the (insert opponent's team name)'s defense is slacking." NO SHIT JOHN.

Most people I know turn his commentary OFF when they play Madden 'XX, because I've heard its a little hard to concentrate on a video game with a migrane. And I wouldn't blame them for having such a pulsing pain in their head after hearing this fat-ass. It would be SO much better if he wasn't just an overused sports icon that's OLD AND STUPID. Even if he doesn't die, he should stick to somthing he can understand, like commenting on Little League Ping-Pong...no wait, that might be too confusing for him too.

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