Mercuria: All right, chapter three is here! Isn't this exciting? I'm actually going to have more than three chapters in this thing. *looks around at horrified faces* Oh, cut that out.
Notes: Yes, this is a Saruman/Legolas slash, but only one-sided. Never fear for all of you who are less slash inclined! (Although this is obviously not a tale for the squeamish.)
Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine. Nope. Uh-uh. All I own is Nevladiel, my little almost-Mary Sue. *hugs Nevladiel* There there, dear.
*************
Legolas groaned in a mixture of pain and complete contentment. Yes, Saruman was evil and frightening, but those pokers had really hit the spot. Hm, and it'd been great to finally meet someone else who suffered the social stigma of being a sadomasochist. Maybe if they managed to work out this whole kidnapping business, they could be friends ...
Legolas sat bolt upright, sending spasms of pain down his spine. Where had THAT idea come from?!
After looking around warily, Legolas leaned against one of Orthanc's pillars and closed his eyes. He had to watch out; he must be getting susceptible to mind control ... or something.
'Somebody save me QUICK,' he thought before falling asleep.
***********
After several hours of deep thought and careful planning, Erestor and Glorfindel announced that there was to be a banquet in honor of Thranduil's arrival. Thranduil was not pleased.
"What on earth are they DOING holding a feast when my son is being molested at this very moment?!" he raged as he paced about his temporary chamber.
*********
"A six of hearts, Legolas?"
"Go fish."
********
"Perhaps they are stalling, my lord?" Nevladiel said distractedly as she examined herself in Thranduil's full-length mirror. Her room had a mirror, but it wasn't as large.
"Stalling!" Thranduil exclaimed. "That's precisely it! Those lazy, nancing Elves are buying themselves more time because they can't think of a plan! Grrr ... I'm going to give those two a piece of my mind, Nevladiel, and you- Nevladiel?"
The Elf wasn't listening. She was busily observing herself in the mirror, wearing robes that looked quite similar to the ones Elrond had been wearing earlier.
"What is THAT?" Thranduil demanded. His subordinate grinned sheepishly.
"Er, an outfit for the feast, my lord?"
Thranduil appeared to be mentally counting to ten, then deciding not to bother.
"Even my own HOUSEHOLD is against me!" he raged. "No Elf of Mirkwood will be attending that loathsome banquet! Take off those robes IMMEDIATELY and-"
"M-my lord?!"
Thranduil rolled his eyes.
"Change into something befitting your station- because you're still on the job, Nevladiel- and seek out Lord Elrond. Tell him that I wish to speak with him."
Nevladiel sighed, casting one last fond look at her reflection.
"At once, my lord."
**********
Twenty minutes later, Elrond, Thranduil, Glorfindel, Erestor, and Nevladiel were holding what Thranduil called "a council of war" in Elrond's chambers. Erestor and Glorfindel were currently hiding behind Elrond while Nevladiel once again restrained Thranduil.
"Those lazy nancing Elves ..." the Elven king muttered.
"Yes, my lord," Nevladiel agreed quickly, attempting to mollify him.
Elrond cleared his throat.
"Er, I understand that you are displeased with the banquet," he said.
Thranduil nodded while glaring at Erestor and Glorfindel.
"Yes," he spat. "Those two were supposed to devise a worthy plan, but instead they plan a feast! What is the meaning of this?!"
Erestor and Glorfindel looked at each other guiltily.
"Well," Glorfindel began, "if you really want to know the truth ..."
Thranduil nodded.
"We have a plan," Erestor said, lowering his voice. "Do you wish to hear it?"
"YES," Thranduil ground out.
"Er, my lord would be most pleased if you would share your plan with him," Nevladiel said quickly; SOMEONE had to be the diplomatic one.
"Well," Erestor said, "our plan is this: a small group will set out from Rivendell with the supposed purpose of going to Isengard to settle on a ransom for Legolas-"
"I will not pay that traitor for the return of Legolas as if he were no more than cattle!" Thranduil said angrily.
"What we will really be doing, however," continued Glorfindel, ignoring the Elven king, "is examining all of Orthanc's weaknesses so that we can rescue the prince as quickly as possible!"
There was a long period of silence.
"You must admit, Thranduil," said Elrond, "it is not a bad plan."
Thranduil gritted his teeth; he hated to admit it, but he couldn't think of anything better.
"Very well," he said finally. "We will use this plan. You, Lord Elrond, and Glorfindel and Erestor, will depart from Rivendell with me and Nevladiel this very night!"
Erestor did not look pleased.
"Er, would it not be better to wait until-"
"THIS VERY NIGHT."
And so it was settled.
**************
"Saruman ... Saruman? SARUMAN!"
"Er, what?"
The multi-colored wizard reluctantly emerged from his reverie and stared disinterestedly into his palantir.
"Saruman," Sauron's voice crackled from Barad-dur, "what the hell is wrong with you? You're a total wreck!"
"No I'm not!" Saruman said defensively.
"Yes, you are. You're not making any more Uruk-hai, you've stopped wantonly destroying the forests, and you don't even bother to torture that Elf! You're depressed, or something. GET OVER IT."
Saruman looked guilty.
"Well, I- it's not that, exactly, but er, Legolas requires a lot of- well, I suppose-"
Sauron snorted.
"Look, at the very least you should be twisting the Elf's arms out of their sockets. Torture him, for the love of bloodlust! It'll do you good."
"No, you don't understand ... I can't hurt him!" Saruman cried.
Sauron gasped, a sound more like the spontaneous combustion of a large flammable object.
"You're ... in LOVE with the thing, aren't you?" he said in horror.
There was a pause.
"N-no I'm not."
"Yes you are!"
"No I'm not!"
"Yes, you ARE."
"No I'm n-"
"JUST SHUT UP ALREADY, I KNOW YOU ARE!"
Saruman ducked his head in embarrassment.
"Look, I don't know what you've been doing with the Elf, and frankly I'd be really happy not even thinking about it, but this is a TORTURE fic. Get with the program and use those sharp metal objects!"
Saruman's lower lip began to tremble.
"Oh, stop that, you pansy," Sauron snapped. "You make me sick. Go away and listen to sappy music or something."
Saruman turned away from the palantir and stared out the window despondently.
"Ah, love," Sauron was saying softly. "I miss the feeling. Shelob ... why did you refuse me? WHY?"
"M-my lord?" Saruman said in confusion.
Pause.
"WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? Leave, damn you, LEAVE!"
Saruman quickly ran out of the room.
************
"Well, here we are," Erestor said grimly.
The five rescuers stood in the morning gloom, gazing down into the Wizard's Vale.
"I suppose we should go in now," Elrond said. Everyone nodded and stayed where they were.
"All right, let's go!" Thranduil roared, dragging Nevladiel after him by her arm; Elrond followed. After a moment's hesitation, Erestor and Glorfindel scampered to catch up with the rest of the group.
***********
Knock. Knock knock.
"What do you want?" Saruman called down from a high balcony ... not quite so high as the one he had used in chapter one, though.
"I WANT MY SON, YOU RAPIST!" Thranduil bellowed. Nevladiel tackled him to the ground and, aided by Erestor, gagged him.
"Er, we wish to treat with you for the safe return of Legolas!" Elrond said.
"Ransom?" Saruman yelled. "Forget it!"
"Grrr ..." Thranduil growled through his gag.
"Please?" Elrond yelled.
"NO!"
Elrond shrugged in defeat, but Glorfindel got a sly look in his eyes.
"You will not let us pay ransom money for Legolas' freedom?" he called up. "What a shame. I suppose we will have to call on our vast army located right over the edge of this vale!"
"What are you talking about?" Erestor hissed, poking Glorfindel in the ribs. "We don't HAVE a vast army!"
"I know that, and you know that," replied Glorfindel. "But does HE know that?"
Apparently he did.
"Get out of here RIGHT NOW!" Saruman shouted. "Or I'll set the wargs on you!"
Despite loud muffled protests on the part of Thranduil, the group decided it best to retreat for the time being.
"So!" Nevladiel panted as they fled. "Do we have ... a second plan ...?"
*************
Back