QUENTA SILMARILLION
The History of the Silmarils
+++++
Of The Beginning Of Days
+++++
There be a First War.
Melkor not like Valar.
Valar not like Melkor.
Valar and Melkor fight.
Melkor start winning.
This not make Valar very happy.
Strong spirit thing come to aid of Valar.
Strong spirit thing called Tulkas.
Melkor run far far away from Tulkas.
Valar go "Yay!"
Tulkas become one of Valar.
Melkor hate Tulkas muchly.
Valar decided they can't see without light.
Aulë make two big pretty lights.
Varda fill lights with...light.
Manwë go "Ohm" and make lights sacred.
Valar put pretty lights on high pillars.
Very high pillars.
Pillars we can't quite reach.
One pretty light put near the north.
That pretty light called Illuin.
Other pretty light put near south.
And that pretty light called Ormal.
They called Lamps of the Valar.
So light therefore goes all around and around.
No night.
Nope.
Yavanna's seeds began to grow.
Much greeny, grassy, leafy, bushy, mossy stuff appear.
Poof.
Animals appear too.
Valar first live in place called Isle of Almaren in Middle-earth.
Isle is in great lake.
Great lake called..Great Lake.
Valar happy.
Manwë not only happy, but hungry.
Manwë decide there shall be a feast.
Big feast.
All Valar and their people-servants-stuffers invited.
Aulë and Tulkas work lots.
Therefore tired.
Melkor plotting again.
Has spies and evil stuffers.
Therefore Melkor knows of feast.
Melkor gather all evil people.
Melkor still mad.
Valar gathered on Isle.
Valar not fear evil.
Valar happy.
Valar very unprepared.
(Should give Valar Prepare-for-Evil-At-All-Times book).
Illuin (pretty light in north if you forgot) is pretty big light.
Therefore block out shadow of Melkor.
Stupid light.
Tulkas go sleepy.
Melkor go to Middle-earth in far north.
Build big evil fortress.
Valar still not notice.
Melkor decide call fortress Utumno.
Evilness and stuffers spread.
Greeny, grassy, leafy, bushy, mossy stuff start dying.
In essence, land starts going "Blecch".
Animals become evil things.
Valar finally notice.
Valar search for Utumno.
Melkor spontaneously begin war.
Melkor break Illuin and Ormal (the two big pretty lights).
Land starts breaking.
Sea goes all tsunami-like.
Lamp ignite land.
Land on fire.
Fire spread.
So shape of Arda messed up.
Never same again.
*sob*
Melkor escaped.
Valar mad.
Valar decide try restore earth instead of running after Melkor.
Valar confused.
Not know where Children of Ilúvatar live.
Seems like Valar not know lots of things.
The Isle utterly destroyed.
Valar leave Middle-earth.
Went to Land of Aman.
Land of Aman westernmost of all lands on borders of the world.
As west as you can go.
Valar be smart now.
Valar fortify dwelling.
Valar raise tall tall mountains.
Called Pelóri, the Mountains of Aman.
Manwë sit on pretty throne on tallest mountain.
Elves call tallest mountain Taniquetil.
Also called Oiolossë Everlasting Whiteness.
Also called Elerrína Crowned with Stars.
And lots and lots of other names.
Methinks one is good enough.
Valar call dwelling Valinor.
Valinor has houses, gardens, and towers.
Much light stored.
Much pretty things stored.
Valinor more pretty than Middle-earth.
No one dies.
Not even flowers.
Lucky flowers.
Valar done building Valinor.
Valar build city in midst of plain beyond the mountains.
City called Valmar of many bells.
Pretty green hill-mound-thing right by Valmar's western gate.
Pretty green hill-mound-thing called Ezellohar.
Also called Corollairë.
Yavanna sit on hill and look pretty and sing.
Nienna cry all over hill.
Rest of Valar listen on thrones in Ring of Doom (Máhanaxar) near gates of Valmar.
Song make two pretty trees.
Trees called Two Trees of Valinor.
One is pretty and silver and stuffers.
Other is pretty and gold and stuffers.
Silvery tree called Telperion (and Silpion and Ninquelótë and lots more names...).
Goldeny tree called Laurelin (and Malinalda and Culúrien and lots more names..).
Trees wax and wane in 7 hours.
Telperion all pretty and lighty, then an hour before grow dim, Laurelin go all pretty and lighty.
And vice versa.
If confused, think moon and sun.
Valar call it Opening Hour when Telperion go all pretty and lighty.
Dews of Telperion and rain of Laurelin hoarded in big vats and stuff.
Each day contain 12 hours.
Now begin Count of Time.
Also begin Days of the Bliss of Valinor.
Melkor still walking about.
Aulë make much stuff.
Lots of lore and knowledge of Earth come from Aulë.
Aulë smart.
Aulë called Friend of the Noldor.
Noldor (group of Elves...will be explained in later chapters) most skilled of the Elves.
Noldor add to teaching.
Noldor make broidery, drawing, carving, speaking, and writing.
Noldor first make pretty gems.
Prettiest gems Silmarils (also explained in later chapters).
They are lost.
Hawks and eagles and stuff bring Arda news to Manwë 24/7.
Still lots of things hidden.
Hawks and eagles need better eyes.
Manwë love the Vanyar (yet another group of Elves).
Vanyar get song and poetry from Manwë.
The Teleri (and yet another group of Elves) learn much from Ulmo.
Teleri sing sad and enchanting songs.
Yavanna miss land Melkor ruined.
She want Valar make war on Melkor.
Oromë (if forget, brother of Nessa, wife of Tulkas) has pretty white horse.
Horse called Nahar.
Oromë and horse fight evil bad animal-creatures.
Oromë blow great big REAL horn.
Melkor afraid.
Children of Ilúvatar not quite know how they got to Earth.
Oh well.
Ilúvatar make Elves immortal.
Make Men not immortal.
Elves has gift of being the fairest and very pretty.
However, Men has gift of being able to seek stuff and not stop until find stuff and have virtue to shape life.
Elves seem to have better end of deal.
Men often grief to Manwë.
Men stray often and stuffers.
Men more easily be evil.
Not cool.
Elves can die by grief or slain.
Can also die when world die.
Can get tired of world after about ten thousand centuries.
Melkor still evil.
Ilúvatar not reveal purpose of Elves after world go bye.
Melkor not discover it.
I no see importance of that.
This be an awkward ending.