I grew up with panic. But they didn't happen all
that often and I never
knew what they were. July 30, 1988 I had a large
one and suffered for years
through the worst time of my life with all the
familiar restraints PAD puts
on a person. My world became a very small place.
The last few years have
been much better. I have had many other physical
ailments though and I
think the strain of PAD contributed greatly to
that.
My favorite success - Having successfully
increased my safety circle to
most every where I needed to go in my area was
wonderful. I got to where I
could even go the 60 miles to my parents' home.
I could only go to
familiar places though. Still that was enough
for a while. But as my life
became fuller, I was asked to car pool to other
areas. Turning these down
was awkward and made me hate myself. I also
resented not being able to go
places I wanted to go. I resented especially that
I couldn't go to the Bay
Area unless someone drove me. In the summer of
1997, I decided the time
had come to just do it. I invited one of my safe
people, my mother, and I
DID IT. The big surprise for me was paying the
tolls at the bridges. I
doubt anyone who hasn't had this kind of disorder
can appreciate the thrill
I got from paying tolls!!! It was something I had
never done before and
hadn't anticipated. Sadly, my mother died just
two months later
unexpectedly of a heart attack at age 63. I was
afraid that losing a safe
person ( I call them my babysitters when I am
feeling frustated with
myself) would take my success away from me. But
I manage and I truly think
I can drive to San Francisco again. It will be
bittersweet without Mom but
it was with her help that I was able to do it the
first time. Thanks Mom.
Before my fears engulfed me, I used my gift of
music to show others Jesus
Christ. The terror of panic attacks eventually
kept me from my music, and
everything else I used to enjoy. Working was out
of the question and leaving
my apartment became more and more difficult until
I just gave up on that, too.
Recovery is all about progress, not perfection
and I have progressed to the
point where I am actually playing my guitar and
singing again....I mean in
front of my church! I am part of a musical group
of 4 people, but I solo'd
on Mother's Day (shaky knees and all) and I am
glad to say that I have
learned to pat myself on the back and realize
that pleasing myself is as
meaningful as pleasing someone else! (Hard lesson
to learn)
I still suffer from the occasional "frozen in
fear" mode, but as the days
pass I am able to spend less and less time
defrosting myself from the icy
anguish that creeps in. I praise God for this
new haven I have found (Thank
you, Eileen!) and for all the people who have had
a part in my healing
process.
Grateful,
Suzie S.
You deserve recognition for your successes. Let others know. Send me an email and I will post them here.
Eileen
