I had this cousin this one time who liked doing weird things during family get-togethers, such as hiding in the showers of bathrooms and watching folks relieve themselves in the toilets. Oh wait, that was me. Well, I guess that’s not so weird after all.
I never liked getting physicals especially when I had to do the old “turn you head and couch” stitch. Except for when the doctor used his mouth.
When I was in my bright prime, I and my friends had all kinds of whacky adventures. There was this one time we decided to go to a whore house. Jimmy knew of one that was right down the road from his house. When we went up to the front door, we were greeted by a nice elderly man who immediately sat us down on the couch, and offered us something to drink. Then one at a time, he led us to a door that opened reviling a downward stairs. Jimmy, of course, went first. Then Ted and Pete went next, leaving me sloppy fourths which didn’t bother me none. Finally, after Pete come back, and sat speechless next to me. The elderly man led me by the hand to the door, and down the dark stair case. He must have noticed my shaking because he asked me if I was all right. I told him that this was my first time. He gave me a little smell, and told me not to be nervous. Just to take it slow; that Starla understands. Soon he left me in very dark room, where Starla was laying waiting on a table. I must have really sucked, because Starla didn’t move or even let out a noise; she just laid there. Needless to say, my “first time” wasn’t the most enjoyable ever. The other guys felt much the same way, and after we paid the elderly man, we all agreed to never go back there again. But a year later, I broke my promise and went back to the house when Crazy Uncle Charlie died. It turned out that the elderly pimp was also a mortician. I felt sorry for him because he had to have two jobs. But I guess now-a-days that’s just how the world works.
(the first nugget ever)
I remember this one time, on a sunny Wednesday afternoon, I decided that I would sneak into my Uncle Bob and Aunt Mindy’s house, when they weren’t home, and hid in their close to jump out and scare them. I was in there for a really long time and started to think that they were never coming. I feel asleep, and later on, was awoken by some strange noises. I poked my head out of the closet to find my Uncle Bob lying on top of Aunt Mindy, and they both where making some pretty weird groaning noises. I just figured they must have eaten some bad clams or something. But non the less, I was to afraid to jump out and scare them. I just waited, until Uncle Bob rolled off of my Aunt Mindy, and they both feel asleep. I ran out of that house so fast and never told anyone about what I saw. And I still, to this day, sneak into my uncle and aunts house every Wednesday.
Then there was this one time when we got this roasted chicken and I was going to town on the thing. Eating it like there was no tomorrow. And I must have eaten most of the good parts, because I flipped the sucker over and started tiring the meat off of its back and shoving it into my mouth. Then it struck me how gross it was to be eating a chicken's back, but that didn’t stop me; I kept eating it anyway.