This one time I wanted to watch some TV, so I ventured into my living room and sat on the couch. It was at this point I realized someone had stolen my 27 inch television. Thus, I got up and started running around the living room like a cow with mad cow disease. Then it hit me, I knew who had stolen my TV. I ran out of my house, and looked into my neighbor’s window to find my TV sitting animated in their living room. I waited until he went to bed, then broke in, grabbed the TV, and ran like the dickens. But on my way home I dropped it smashing the thing all over the sidewalk. It was at this point I realized this wasn’t my TV at all. So ran to another neighbor’s house and saw my TV sitting in her living room. I broke in, grabbed it, and ran out of the house. But it wasn’t until I got back home and turned it on, that I realized that I never even owned a TV in the first place, but I was sure glad I do now.
I took this girl out on a date to this really nice restaurant, and we ordered the fish. When we finally got our meals, mine still had the head on it. I asked the waitress why it still had the head on it, and she told me that this the way they eat fish over in India. I then took noticed to the fact that the fish looked a lot like our waitress, and I enlightened her on this. He gave me a dirty look, and then spit on my dinner. I looked at it, and then dug in. I guess that’s something else they do over in India. But it wasn’t very good and I got really sick. If I ever go to India, I don’t think I’m going to order the fish.
I once met this really nice girl at a bar that my friend once took me to. We had lots of fun and a lot in common. Like we both like eating grilled fish livers with chocolate espresso. Then it happened, she invited me back to her place after a date, and showed me her bedroom. Then she tied me to her bed, and began to cut my kidneys out. She told me she was going to donate them to someone who needed them more than I did. Come to think of it, she really wasn’t all that nice. She wasn’t nice at all.
I think that if they were to ever make a movie out of an event in my life it would have to be the time that I ate this lasagna that I had bought earlier in the week for 77 cents, and realized it was the bestest lasagna EVER! So I ran out of my apartment and floored it to the store where I had bought it on sale to get more, only to find they were sold-out! When I returned home defeated, I was ecstatic to find that another bestest lasagna EVER lay wait for me in my freezer that I had forgotten I had bought the same day I bought the other one. I was so ecstatic in fact that I made pizza.
I once saw a picture of a ghost from the Battle of Gettysburg, and it looked just like Elvis. I was like, that must be Elvis in a past life. But then I was like, but it’s a picture of a ghost so that can’t be so. And then I got so confused that I just stopped thinking all together for over an hour or so.
I love cookies. Always have; always will. I remember going to the store and eating cookies, but I soon learned that they like it better if you pay for them first.
The man in the big blue hat once told me: “You can't shake the weasel to hard before it bites you.” I told him he was full of crap and ran away. Until later that day I got bit by weasel, but I will never give that old bastard the benefit of saying that it was because I was shaking the thing too hard.
I once lived next to this nice elderly couple named the Andersons. It seemed everyday, Mr. Anderson would sit out on his front porch relaxing and enjoying the summer breezes that would blow by. He seemed like a very pleasant old man, and would always greet me with a warm welcoming smile. Mrs. Anderson was just as nice and polite, even though I never really saw much of her. They seemed like the happiest couple, and I wished that someday I could be just as happy. The couple’s son would frequently visit his parents to check up on them. One day, I called the son over to my yard and introduced myself. I then shortly remarked how nice and pleasant his father was. The son looked quick shocked at what I had said and replied that he wasn’t his father rather his step father, and that his step father was really Satan. I was quite surprised at first, and couldn’t believe that such a nice man could be Satan. The son assured me that he was, and went on to explain that Twenty-five years ago, Satan had come it his mother with a proposal. He would give her all the money she could ever possibly want if she would, in return, marry him for thirty years. But if she would back out on the deal with in the thirty years, he would get her soul. I told him that that was pretty interesting, and asked if he had been a good father and a good husband. To which the son quickly replied, “Are you nuts!? It’s friggin’ Satan we are talking about here!” To which I replied, “But he seems so nice, and well mannered.” The son just laughed and told me that I should probably stay away, and never talk to his step-dad again. That he had brought high school friends over before (very strict church going high school friends), who had left soulless. I thanked the son for the heads up, and looked over at Mr. Anderson who returned my glance with a big happy grin. Needless to say, I never really looked at Mr. Anderson in the same way again. And Mrs. Anderson, what a hussy. You know what? Come to think of it, the Andersons were never really all the nice after all.
I once had this cat for as pet named Mr. Whiskers. We had lots of fun together, running around and jumping off of things. Then one day Mr. Whiskers came to me and told me that he felt lonely when I was away at work. That he wanted a pet of his own. I told him that that was impossible, that a pet couldn’t have a pet. But Mr. Whiskers told me that if he didn’t get one he’d pack his bags and leave. So the following day I brought home a goldfish. Mr. Whisker’s eyes lit up when he saw the fish. Two days later the fish had mysteriously disappeared. I asked him what had happened to the fish, and he told me that it decided to go back home to the lake, and to bring him a bird next time. So the next day, I brought home a bird for Mr. Whiskers. Just like with the fish, two days later the bird was gone, and Mr. Whiskers swore that it had gone back to the forest. Well, I was hip to what he was up to, so the next day I brought home a little surprise for Mr. Whiskers. A 75 lb. Rottweiler! Well, let’s just say Mr. Whiskers won’t be snacking on any pets to soon. But then came the twist; a knock on my door. I and my new pet, the Rott, went to answer the it to find, to my surprise, the bird and the goldfish. Mr. Whiskers hadn’t eaten them after all, in fact, he had saved them. It turns out Mr. Whiskers was saving these animals from “pet-slavery” by getting me to take them home so he could set them free. I think it was around that time I started hating myself.
This one time, while during a lunch break, I was parked in my running car that sat facing some brick building, listening to my radio, and eating a fresh tossed salad. When I suddenly realized something! My car was slowly getting closer to the building, and would eventually run it into it. The car wasn't moving that fast, but instead moving extremely slowly. I calculated that it would take about a billion years for my car to reach the brick building. It was about this moment when I realized that my car wasn't moving towards the building, but in fact my car was moving slowly away from the building. I sat and thought about what this meant. It
must be some sort of metaphor to teach me an important lessen in my life. But then I realized that my car wasn't moving forward, nor was it moving back. What really was going happening was my exhaust had been leaking into the car the whole time, and I was just stoned out of my mind! I love it when that happens.
This one Uncle of mine told me this one time that he had knocked my Aunt up and they were going to have a baby, which was a miracle because they were both barren. Nine months later, they invited me over to see their new born baby. But when I got there, all they had was one of those “Pee-Pee Wha-Wha Mommy Dolls”, you know the ones, and insisted that the doll was their new born named “Sissy“. I never went over to there again after that.
So I had this girlfriend this one time, and she'd start laughing whenever we'd be making out. She would start lauging that is, until till one time she started laughing and I killed her. Guess she won't be laughing anymore when we make out.
I remember this one "March Madness" a co-worker of mine asked me if I wanted to fill out a tournament bracket, and put 20 dollars in the pot. I said "sure what the heck", even though I didn't know what basketball was. So the month went on, and I ended up winning the 300 dollar pot. All my other co-workers that were in on the bet said there was no way I could have won, and I must have cheated. So they dragged me out in the middle of the woods to beat me relentlessly, but suddenly, my dog Woofer jumped in and ripped out all of the guts of my attackers. Then Woofer turned into a beautiful artichoke shaped like Willie Nelson, and we started making passionate love under a big oak tree. Without warning, these alien bigfeets, who lived in the big oak tree, came out with their high powered zippo rifles and told us to get off their property. So, I crawled home, and threw-up my left kidney. I learned a lot from that experience. But the one thing I didn't learn was...what the heck basketball is.......