My mom always warned me that sliding down banisters was dangerous. I never knew how dangerous it was until on day I decided to slide down one. At first it was fun, until I realized that the banister was really a giant snake. It wasn’t as bad as I would have thought, but then the snake tried to swallow me whole. We had to get the school janitor to cut me out. Well, I guess my mom was right about how dangerous banisters are, and I haven’t slide down on since.
I remember how much my fifth grade teacher loved playing practical jokes on my class to scare us. I remember this one time he came running in from the hall dressed up in this big furry pink monster suit. He went running all over the room throwing desks and chairs all over the place. He even threw our class pet “Goldie” out the window, fish tank and all. But it wasn’t until he had eaten my best friend, Matt, to the bone that we started to think, “Maybe this isn’t our teacher, and really a monster after all.”
This one time, my 6th grade teacher reviled to the class that we could be anything we wanted to be, and asked what we’d like to be someday. Most of the kids said something like a baseball player, or a doctor. When it got to my turn, I told the teacher I wanted to be a bum. She just gave me this look of: are you crazy, and asked why I wanted to be a bum. I told her she wasn’t going to fool me with that “you can do anything crap.” That my parents had taught me to be realistic and that most of my classmates would end up as bums or crack whores anyway, so why push it. I don’t think my teacher liked me much after that.
As kids we had this neighbor who was an old man. Every Sunday he would come give us each one of the best cookies I had ever tasted. He told us that the magic of the cookies came from a special ingredient. Thinking back now, I believe that is where my heroine addiction came from.
Whenever my grandmother would put me to bed she’d tell me to sleep tight and don’t let the bed bugs bite. You know, to this day I still don’t understand why she worried me about those bed bugs. I mean, I have never even seen any bed bugs. I had a couple of bed bats, and bed wolves before. And I even had a hungry bed alligator. But I still have never seen any bed bugs.
As a kid I used to love to play with mulch. I’d dig in it, I’d play with my toys in it, I’d build mulch castles, and make mulch sandwiches. It wasn’t until I grew up that I learned what mulch was made out of. But you know what, that didn’t stop me from making those mulch sandwiches; they are delicious!
One time, when I was a little kid, I had a pet fish named Carl. He’d like always want me to take him to the lake and let him swim around, but I’d never buy into his wishes. Until one day I woke up and Carl was gone. I ran around all over the place looking for him. That’s when I realized that my fish was really a shark and it had eaten my family. And it was coming for me next. I ran and jumped out the window, and found myself falling into the shark’s mouth. As I feel, he said “Should have takin’ me to the lake.” I soon woke up from this nightmare, and flushed my pet fish Carl down the toilet. I was on to his ploys.
One of the happiest times in my life was the summers when my uncles all played softball. I remember, during the games, us kids would go play in the woods. We had a clubhouse, some old sticks, and a dead body that we’d play with. The dead body was fun. We’d dress it up, have it dance around. And then there was this one time when my cousin Ted stuck his wiener in its mouth. We just laughed and laughed. That cousin Ted how he loved his Oscar Meyer Wieners.
The one thing that I was never afraid of was clowns. I mean, how can you be afraid of clowns? With their silly smile, big wide eyes, oversized goofy feet, and that crazy red hair. And how after the circus is over, they’ll take you back stage and play “doctor” with you and take their time to video tape it. Yeah, clowns are nothing to fear, not at all.
I always liked playing on the playground at school. But most of the kids didn’t like playing with me; so I was forced to play by myself. One day, I met a new friend. He told me he was from outer space and that his name was Stinky. We had a lot of fun together playing tag and hop-scotch. Then one day I got mad at Stinky and I ate him. I guess that wasn’t such a good idea, because I got really sick and started throwing up all over the place. Later that day the nurse asked me why I had eaten dog pooh. I got really made at her and told her not to call Stinky, dog pooh. I think now I know why the kids never wanted to play with me, they were all just jealous because I had a lot of friends like Stinky, from outer space.
I liked eating pancakes as a kid. But I always felt bad about eating them, because my grandmother would make these special pancakes that would get up and start dancing around and singing. They’d do the Cha-Cha, and the Charleston. And they’d sing some great old early 20’s jazz songs. But then my grandmother would tell me to stop playing with my food and eat‘em. So no matter how much they pleaded, and no matter how much they cried out in pain as a chewed them up and swallowed, I’d obey my grandmother. Till this day I can’t tell my therapist this story; he thinks I’m crazy.
Back during my crazy times in school, Big Bully Will Cockenhands used to beat me up everyday. After about the 70th time I came home with two black eyes and red running out of every orifice on my face, my Dad decided it was time to teach me how to fight. So he took me into the backyard and told me to put up my dukes. But it was right around that time his show came back on from commercials and he quickly whispered something into my ear before running back inside. The next day after school, Mr. Big Cockenhands stood in front of me with his fist ready to pound my little face, when I cried out: "Bring it on Willy! My dad told me a secret last night. You can't hurt me anymore because I am a Transformer!" and with that I began making transforming noises and moving my hands around in transforming motions. Big Bully William beat me extra hard that day.
(Inspired by something Jeremiah once told me.)