My uncle tells me that the doctors say his bone in his little toe is growing back after he just had it removed which is pretty crazy, because that kind of thing just doesn’t happen unless you’re Wolverine or Doc Conners or something. But you know what would be crazier, if it grow back as the head of one of those aliens from those Alien movies. Now that would be frickin’ crazy!!
Whenever I’m waiting to make a left turn at a red light, I get really envious of the cars making right turns. I don’t think it’s fair that they get to go through the red light while I have to wait for it to turn green. I get really envious that is, until they pull out in front of a semi and get flattened like a pancake. Then I just laugh.
There is a saying that says: “There are no atheists in foxholes.” I say that is indeed true unless you’re in a foxhole in Idaho, then you’re probably doing something that you shouldn't be doing.
I like peanut butter. Except the kind that appears in the toilet every now and again.
If I ever had a son that threatened it kill me, I would be like, 'if you’re going to kill me let me give you reason to kill me', and then shoot his mother or break all of his Barbies. I think the Barbies would get him more.
People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there. That is unless they superglued their hands together, then I guess they must always hold hands.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned in this crazy world it would have to be that when you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You blame the M-F‘er who sold you the barren lettuce. Or you blame yourself for not realizing that you need lettuce seeds and not a whole lettuce to plant. But still, you never blame the lettuce.
I really think we should start using banana peels to write on instead of paper. Just think of all the trees we’d be saving! I mean, after you eat a banana, you just throw the peel away! That's just a waste! I think we should all take a lesson from our fellow Native Americas who, after hunting the buffalo, would use every part of it’s body some how. Ever part of it’s body! They don’t waste anything. And so, that is my proposal, to stop wasting trees and good banana peels. There would be more trees, and the price of bananas would go up……and on a second thought let’s just keep using trees for paper.
I have a billion things to do, and I sit down to do something and I forget to do what it was that I sat down to do and then start doing one of the billion other things that I have to do or something completely different that I don’t have to do. That’s basically what a day in the life of me is like.
If I would have invented the game of basketball, it probably would have ended up very much the same way. Except that the ball would have been a pizza and the court a table. And the players would just sit around and eat pizza all day.
I always thought it must really suck to be blind and have to fly in an airplane. You’d miss out on all the beautiful sites, and scenery; all the magnificent and breath taking things that await a passenger through the window glass. But then I think, it must really really suck to be a passenger who has to sit next to the blind person, who, every time the plane hits some turbulence, freaks out and asks if the plane is crashing.
I hope that God didn't create us Earthlings before he created any other people on any other planet. Because if he created us first, and saw the way we are, he'd probably be like, "Whoa, yeah, maybe that wasn't such a good idea", and not make any other people on any other planets.
This one crazy guy I know who as a this party I went to the day before yesterday was telling me that he was going to go work at a college and help develop a prosthetic arm that you can move with your brains and actually have feeling; all Luke Skywalker style. Man that got me all excited that I went and cut my right arm off later that night. But hopefully they’ll have one of those made by next week; I have a paper to write!
I love cookies. Always have; always will. I remember going to the store and eating cookies, but I soon learned that they like it better if you pay for them first.
Every morning I get up and think: Wow, what a beautiful day. The sun is shining, and the sky is blue. There’s a whole new day out there just waiting for me that’s full of promise and opportunity. I could do anything I want on this great and wonderful day. Life is so full of hope and beauty. And with that, I roll over and fall back to sleep.
So once upon a time, I dated this girl who told me she hoped to have 8 bundles of joy one day, and I was down with that because 8's my favorite number. She also hoped to have a gay son named Reggie, and I was like: you know what, it's the 20th century; what the hay. I was fine with every single thing she wanted. And all I asked for in return was that I be the one who got pregant and give birth, but she insisted that she had to be the one who got pregant and give birth. So I broke up with her. Why should she get to have everything her way and get to have all the fun, you know?
I think it’s important for everyone to have a get rich quick scheme. Mine is, which I have put much thought into: I’m going to have my interior left forearm tattooed in tattoos that I design. Then I’ll mysteriously die in some tragic event and in my will I’ll say that I want my tattooed arm cut off and displayed in an art museum as some great work of art. Also in my will, I’ll have it say that I wanted my body frozen to preserve it, and in 5 years for the doctors to look over my body. There they will discover that my right lower leg is also covered in tattoos and one of them will declare that they cut my right lower leg off and display it in a museum as a sequel to my left forearm. But when they thaw me to cut the right lower leg off, I’ll spring back to life. I’ll still have them cut my right lower leg to display, because by this time they’ll have those cool Luke Skywalker hands and legs. I’ll then collect all the money that was made off my left forearm and the money that will be made from my right lower leg, and give it all to Christie…..oh wait that’s Christie’s get rich quick scheme…I guess I don’t have one.
In this nutty world we live in, there are many arguments. I can understand some, while others I can not. But the one I can see no since behind is the argument that: “Ketchup is not a vegetable!” Because, what the flying heck people, tomatoes are fruits!
I’m not trying to get anything started by saying this, but while I was pondering upon a rock this fine day it came to me that syrup is dark and thick, and Mrs. Buttersworth herself is dark and thick. I wonder if there was any conscious connections there made by the manufactures. Or maybe they are just saying that she’s sweet as sugar.
One of the great discoveries that we have uncovered in these modern days is that no matter if we have 3 TV channels or 2000 beizillion TV channels there will still never be anything on.
People are always asking me, “What time is it?”. I’m like, “How about you go out and bye yourself some friggin’ time.” No, that’s not how that goes….I say, “It’s like time to buy yourself one or something…..no, that’s not it either……I say, “Go buy a watch because…..Well whatever it is, it just pisses me off because I don’t even own a watch! So there!
I think I’m going to become a prostitute. That or maybe instead I'm just going to go catatonic. Either way, I'm going to have a lot of fun!!:-D
The scariest thought I‘ve ever had is not the idea of how many of these things I have written. It’s the thought of all the great ones I thought of but forgot before I got to write them down.
When I was little I would say that I wanted to die young and tragic. But now I think I want to live to be 88 because 8 is my favorite number:-D
I think I've discovered my life’s destiny. I'm going to drop out of school and basically stalk Rachael Leigh Cook until I end up in prison, or until one of us ends up dead.
A lot of people say that they want to die in there sleep. Not me! I want to be perfectly aware that it’s coming. I mean, if you die in your sleep you'd probably just think that you where dreaming or something.
People are always coming up to me on the street and asking, “If you ever come to a fork in the road and one of the two paths leads to town, but your not sure which way it is. And the only way to find out is by asking one of the two men that stand in the fork (one of them on the left of the fork and the other on the right). But the catch is: one of the men always lies and the other one always tells the truth. But you don’t know which one lies or tells the truth. And if you can only ask them one question to find out which way to go, what should you ask to find out.” I always tell them that I wouldn’t ask any questions. I’d just march right up to the guy on the right look him square in the eyes, and kick him right in the nuts. Then, while that guy is rolling around on the ground in pain, I’d yell over to the guy on the left and warn him that if he didn’t tell me which way town really was, I’d kick him in the nuts too.” I think that would show those two smart asses!
My numero uno pet peeve in all the world is when someone ruins the end of a movie for me. I mean, I'll almost kill over that. In fact, my cousin Ted once told me the end of a movie once, and I ended up tying him up and leaving him down my basement for over a week where he nearly starved to death. I mean, come on, I would have never thought in a thousand years the ship would sink at the end of Titanic. (I guess God showed them)
Every time I open my Spanish book, I want to get drunk.
I always thought it would be funny if when you died and got cremated, to have all of your no good relatives over to your house after the funeral. And have it written your will that everyone has to eat a peanut butter sandwich before the reading of the Will. Then after everyone eats their sandwich, have the Will reader guy read the Will. And the Will should say something like this: "I hope you all liked your peanut butter sandwiches, because I had my ashes put in them! And I'm giving all of my stuff to my pet fish, Spitty!" I think the fish thing would get them the most.
Well I always wanted to be the first man to have a baby on the moon...
If I ever get married, and my wife dies before me, I don't think I'm ever going to get remarried. If I'd get remarried, what would happen after I die and my new wife dies? I mean, I'd have like two wives up in heaven! That would be ok with me, but I don't think God would go for that kind of thing.
I don’t know we’re these professors get off with doing the crap they do. I don’t know, it just pisses me off because I go in on the first day of classes thinking we’re going to get out early and bam! We’re in there the whole 2 hours, and with a butt load of homework.
I think when I get a billion dollars, one of the things I’ll do is buy the Mona Lisa and then, right in front of the museum, I’ll rip it up into a trillion pieces while laughing hysterically. Little will they know, it wasn’t really the real Mona Lisa; just a copy. I think I’d better show them that it was only a joke pretty quickly though; those Romans are quite mean.