This one time I got sick, and my grandmother took me to the doctor's. Well, that didn't go over well, because the doctor she took me to was a vet, and they neutered me. And this is probably the worst one of these I have ever written, so I'll stop.
A ducks quack does not eco, and no one knows why. I always wander if a duck bill-platypus could quack if it would eco. Damn! those things are weird!
So yeah, there was this one time I wanted to build a snowman. So I did, but nobody liked it because I’d put eyes all over its body. They said that it was a monster snowman, and would bring great evil to our small neighborhood. But I refused to destroy my multi-eyed friend. So one night all of the neighborhood people come out with their torches and rifles to expose of their phantom monster. But I bravely stood in their way, and refused to let my snowman go down so dishonorablely. They yelled at me and told me that the monstrous snowman must be destroyed, but I told them that I would never move and that they were all insane. And they told me that, no, it was I who was the insane for ever creating such a dreadful thing. That was when something grabbed me from behind, and I turned to find it had been the snowman who was grabbing me with a cold dead look in its multiple eyes. That it really was a monster and had to be destroyed. So I started beating it with my fists until I realized that everyone was laughing, and that Uncle Bob was behind the snowman operating its arms laughing. The whole thing had been a joke; I had never been so humiliated before in all my life, and began to cry as I looked into the evil eyes of all my neighbors as they laughed. For the next ten years, I never looked or talked to any of my neighbors, and moved quickly out of that neighborhood as soon as I got old enough never to return. And I have never talked to my Uncle Bob ever since that fateful day. But it doesn’t matter; I always liked my Crazy Uncle Charlie better anyways.
Yeah, so like this is a true story. Today my friend Becca tells me that she was driving. And while she was driving a car passes her that just happened to be on fire. And that the guy is just driving along like nothing is wrong. Now whither or not the story she told me is a true one, I don’t know. But the story of her telling me it is in fact true. So do with that as you will.
For those of you that have seen Jurassic Park the movie, and can remember the scene were Lex is on the computer trying to get the door locks turned on, while Alan and Ellie hold the door trying to keep the raptor from getting in. And while doing that Ellie tries to grab the rifle with her foot. Now if you can remember correctly, the only person that isn’t doing anything is Tim. All he did was jump around and scream and tell Lex to hurry up. Now it would have made a lot of since for Ellie, Alan, or even Lex to tell him to shut the hell up and get over here and get the gun for Ellie. But maybe he had thought of that, but the reason he didn’t get the gun for Ellie was because he somehow knew that she’d been the one that had thrown on the power while he was still climbing down the fence causing him to get electrocuted. Maybe he was hoping the raptor would get in and rip Ellie apart. Or maybe it was just because they were all nimrods from the get go. Who really knows? Or cares?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? None, because a woodchuck wouldn’t chuck wood even if he could. Because, come on!!! Who the hell wants to chuck wood anyways!!! Jeez, give me a brake people!
I remember this one "March Madness" a co-worker of mine asked me if I wanted to fill out a tournament bracket, and put 20 dollars in the pot. I said "sure what the heck", even though I didn't know what basketball was. So the month went on, and I ended up winning the 300 dollar pot. All my other co-workers that were in on the bet said there was no way I could have won, and I must have cheated. So they dragged me out in the middle of the woods to beat me relentlessly, but suddenly, my dog Woofer jumped in and ripped out all of the guts of my attackers. Then Woofer turned into a beautiful artichoke shaped like Willie Nelson, and we started making passionate love under a big oak tree. Without warning, these alien bigfeets, who lived in the big oak tree, came out with their high powered zippo rifles and told us to get off their property. So, I crawled home, and threw-up my left kidney. I learned a lot from that experience. But the one thing I didn't learn was...what the heck basketball is.......