“OUCH!” Toshiya rubbed his head.
“Are you alright?”
Toshiya nodded, eyes squeezed shut. “Yes, yes, yes. Don’t concern yourself.”
“Are you sure? You don’t need anything, do you?”
“Oh, no, nothing at all; I’ll just get on with my Do-It-Yourself neurosurgery and then you can question me.” He scowled, “God, the impatience in some people!”
Kaoru smiled; fainting from shock and complaining about the impact, and still his tongue was flicking acidic taunts. Toshiya sat on the floor, staring up with a scowl and messy hair. He dusted himself off and sat back down. Kaoru watched it all in silence; if he hadn’t been slumped in his seat, he would have fainted too.
Toshiya twisted his lips, “Hi . . . K . . . please to meet you.”
“Hello . . . Ame.”
Toshiya smiled, “I am still Ame . . . huh? Only it’s not Ameko . . .”
He smiled faintly, and then frowned. He reached out and lifted Toshiya’s scarf from around his neck and wrapped it around the neck tighter, covering the lips and the ends of the nose. Intense and clear eyes. The beginnings of cheeks reminiscent of pearly tones. Ivory cheeks.
This was the blue and black clad figure that danced in the rain and drank water from the heavens above, covered in rain and mud to thrill in the freedom. Made of air and fire and earth and water and the spirit. The human body.
But he wasn’t just a body, neither was he just any human. He was Ame, and now he is Toshiya. Kaoru stared for a second at the superimposed imagery, flicking madly between the sunny days, rainy afternoons and dark nights.
“You’re . . . him?”
“I suppose you’re . . . him . . . too.” He reached out and combed a bit of Kaoru’s hair, smiling inquisitively. “You are him, aren’t you? K? Wow . . . ”
Kaoru nodded. They stared at each other across the table, speechless.
Toshiya smiled, “This is too weird.”
+
He tossed his hair back against the current of the winds and took another drag on his cigarette. He was always smoking. I never noticed before; I noticed him smoking, but not like this. It was strange to know I knew him, from such a long time ago, when I was so young.
It changed everything . . .
I guess I just didn’t recognise him because he had changed so much, just as I had grown up.
“How are you going to get home?”
I made a small shrug, just a tug of my sharp shoulders.
“Well?”
“Don’t care. I don’t think I’m going home. It’s not that cold.”
“What? You’re just going to sleep out here?”
“Suits me. Been there and done that.”
“You can’t do that! It’s cold! Unsafe! Besides, you need to brush your teeth, and have a shower. How can you not? You don’t have a pillow or blankets or anything. And the ground . . .”
I smiled, a dry and ironic twist of the lips. “Is hard like a futon? And really, Kaoru, I hadn’t noticed. But then again, I sleep on the roofs or fire escape stairs usually; it’s very quiet up there. Care for a sample?”
He stared at me, trying to see if I was serious or just jerking his chain. I shrugged and turned away. He reached out and snatched my sleeve.
“What’s wrong now?”
“You’re not sleeping on a roof, and that’s the end of it.”
“My God, you’re like an obsessed older brother.”
“Toshiya, stop the sarcasm. My conscience won’t let me, okay. Besides, I thought you said you weren’t a romantic. If not, then why the hell are you sleeping under stars?”
“I said I wasn’t romantic, Kaoru, but I never said I wasn’t crazy. You should know that.”
He crossed his arms, “Yeah, blood type B and all. Come on, you’re sleeping at my place.”
I followed his stalking footsteps. “I could have just taken a taxi. I’m not a stray cat, you know. Just because I was your friend years ago doesn’t mean anything, really.”
“Yeah, well, I’m a blood type A.”
Was he angry with me? I watched our shadows on the pavement. I listened to the wind whipping through the leaves, to rustle them softly. My senses were alive.
“Kaoru, would you like your watch back?”
He didn’t say anything, brows furrowed. I could see the wheels of thought turning in his head. He wasn’t speaking to me. We walked in silence. The city is a lonely place. When you don’t speak, you just don’t exist. It doesn’t matter if I’m eating or walking or shopping; nothing.
“I’m sorry I took it. I thought it was good for both of us, well, yeah, both of us. I just took it from your pocket and I’m sorry if you’re mad but . . .”
“It’s okay. I’m not mad.”
The looming building of apartments up ahead. Little enclosed spaces where people cried by themselves. The little boxes in this sprawling metropolis. A sprawling metropolis that went up into the heights, down into the pits and across the domain.
I looked into the windows, a voyeur, imagining a middle aged couple watching TV together. Marriage was a flimsy dress of social convenience. The man would be cheating on his wife anyway. I wonder why; marriage was meant to cast away the shadows of loneliness.
Did they once feel something each other or at least thought they did? She probably married him because he was convenient. I respected practicality in life; I didn’t respect stupidity and bad decision making, but then, she didn’t know when she said yes, did she?
The lights in the apartment went off. Did they even sleep in the same bed?
We walked up some stairs and entered his block.
“Do you always sleep this late?” He was awake and asking me that question.
“No, I love sleeping and you know that, Kaoru, you’ve woken me up on tour, haven’t you? You know how hard that is.”
“Water does the trick.”
“Yes, so does giving me a cold!” I shrugged, “Besides, I feel more energetic at night, but then, once I asleep, it’s a completely different story . . .”
“These late nights must be bad for you.” He sounded like a parent; he hasn’t heard a word I’ve said.
“No, I like the peaceful frenzy. It’s like killing someone only not yucky. In fact, I’ve got a knife tapped to my leg right now. Wanna see? I’ll slit your throat for you.”
Who cares about what is bad for me anyway? I don’t. I like what’s bad for me – there’s a flashy danger attached to the conditions in small print.
He wasn’t listening; delayed reaction. “What? Sorry, what did you say?”
“I have a box of sleeping pills tapped to my leg, do you want to see it and would you like one?”
“They’re not good for you. Stop taking them.”
“Yes, mother.”
He opened the door and took off his shoes, so subdued. I watched him. He was in shock, maybe, because he wasn’t really listening, or speaking to me.
He stood in the door way, “Hey, come in. I’m used to you.”
I stepped in and fell down a winding hole. Like Alice in Wonderland . . . chasing the white rabbit.
+
“Don’t you dare kick me in the face.”
He sounded so serious. I laughed. We were trying to share the bed amiably. I was sleeping from one end (the foot), and he was sleeping from the other end (the head). There was a pillow between us.
“I’ll try. Why? Do I toss and turn in my sleep? Am I that bad?”
“Yes. Kyo almost killed you in his sleep for biting him.”
I smiled, “He’s like that. But my legs, what will you have me do?”
“Dangle them off the edge.”
“But my legs make up 50% of my body mass; I’d fall off the bed! You can’t let that happen!”
“Just don’t kick me in the face, okay? I like my bone structure as it is.”
“And I like my legs, thank you very much!”
“Well, you are not puncturing my brain through tonight.”
“Yes sir.”
We were quiet again.
I could hear the rain outside.
“I almost didn’t recognise you with glasses. Your glasses changed your whole face.”
“Yeah, but it’s a nifty disguise, eh?”
“I’ll give you that. Our hair’s pretty hard to hide, though.”
“Um . . .”
“Do you believe in fate? Destiny? Any of that stuff?”
“. . . no, why?”
“Well . . . do you ever think about why we keep meeting? We do that . . . I haven’t told you but I saw you one day . . . years ago, before the bands knowing each other, before everything . . . in a park . . . you were walking and it was . . .”
“. . . it was what?” I whispered.
“Beautiful. You were taking your time, and you didn’t care . . . it was . . . very special. I watched your steps . . . and you didn’t just walk . . . you paused and soaked up feelings and . . . it was . . . it was nice. It was . . . charm.”
“Oh . . .”
“Yes, and I followed you the whole day.”
I sat up in bed, “You fucking well did WHAT?”
He laughed, “I followed you the whole day. Pretty insane, huh? Just love the feeling, so sorry, and I’m not a stalker. Though I’m pretty sure you won’t believe me. Talk about reactive; I can imagine your face.”
I slapped his leg hard, thinking what a bastard he was for never telling me all this crap about myself. “You bastard, all this and you never even told me! Argh! That’s it, from now on I’m never gonna be near you when I’m taking a stroll!”
“That hurts! Not so hard! Have bruise still from Kyo’s rampages.”
I lied back down and smiled in the dark, “Serves you right.”
“. . . it wasn’t by accident that we all just happened to meet, you know. The drowning creature turning up at your door was sent by me. Die was sick for a week afterwards, but I think it was worth it. Look at everything now . . . and I’d like to watch you walk again. Really. I’d enjoy it I think.”
“Yes, why don’t you just bring the rest of them along too!”
I felt his grin in the dark. “I just might. I’ll sell tickets.”
“Oh shut up and go to sleep!”
“Yes sir.”
I smiled in the dark for a while. I thought about nothing and went to sleep.
+
Die grabbed the picture and held it above, “MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!! KYO!!!!!! YOU SO CUTE IN THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Kyo snarled and jumped up and down trying to tear the photo from Die’s hands. “GIVE IT BACK TO ME BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
He started kicking the guitarist on the shins. Die tripped and Shinya grabbed the photo away, running to the other side of the room. Shinya laughed and Kyo fumed; even the drummer was laughing. Kaoru dragged Die up and Toshiya ran for a stool and the first aid kit in case anyone died. Toshiya chased after Shinya for the picture.
“Is it really that cute, Shinya?”
Shinya grinned, “Yeah! You have got to see this!”
Kyo gritted his teeth and started the 100m sprint for the Olympic games of Dir en Grey honour. His honour, anyway. Faster, he thought as he jumped over the sofa, skidded past Die, then Kaoru and finally grabbing Toshiya’s hair. He jumped up and pulled hard with a powerful jerk; the bassist ended up on his butt. Making quick, he dashed past Shinya, did a double high jump, grabbed the photo and ripped it up.
Toshiya glared at him and got up, rubbing his butt. “Bastard! It’s just a picture! And I’m gonna see the fucking thing, even if I have to stick it together again.”
Kyo stuffed the photo fragments in his mouth and grinned, “Not if I eat it first.”
He chewed and chewed and added some saliva and chewed. It tasted a bit odd but anything for his honour. He choked as it got lodge in his throat. Kaoru grabbed him for the toilet and bashed his back in till he spat it out. It was pulp. He grinned proudly. Toshiya looked like he was gonna be sick.
“It was my first time digesting a photo but I did well.”
+
Six in the morning and I was already awake, well, half-awake, lying among crisp sheets that I knew weren’t mine, but were fresh and wonderful to sniff anyway. I hate foreign beds. They made my skin itchy with their unfamiliar texture, the invisible starch, the starch not there, driving me insane.
The pin pricks of needle points touching my skin, digging into my pores and running away from my seeking hands . . . except this bed was soft and comforting, a cocoon for my body, suspending me somewhere between heaven and earth.
I smelt of face powder and sunshine. The sun was peeking through thin curtains, calling me from sleep; in an hour or two maybe I’ll consider it.
‘Wake up, you lazy thing.’ She said patting my head.
My mother got up to make chrysanthemum tea and brought it to me on a wooden tray with a pink flower. Chrysanthemum tea; the tea of an autumn flower.
‘Why the flower?’ I asked.
‘They open when summer becomes autumn. Isn’t it beautiful?’
Everything smelled wonderful; like plants, fresh rain and the sun. The flower had a light scent. The aromatic steam warmed my cheeks and fogged my glasses. She drew hearts on each lens and coloured them in with her fingertips.
‘I hope you find love and happiness in your life.’
She understood the difference between success and happiness. I got up from bed and stood by the window. The sun was beautiful and strong. It had rained all night and the trees were slick with moisture. I fixed my contacts; little drops shined in the sun.
‘What are you watching?’
My mother stopped tapping her pen on the table. I looked down at a little boy holding a cat. He looked happy. The cat looked up at me.
‘I’m watching a boy’s cat.’
My mother laughed and asked me to come shopping with her. I nodded and went to get dressed. We went shopping. She gave me a packet of strawberry Pocky.
I went to the kitchen and put on the electric kettle. I made tea to warm myself. I went back and placed a cup of tea on Kaoru’s bedside table, a token of my thanks. He was still asleep. I touched his forehead, as if I could see into his mind.
But I can’t, of course, and so I kissed it instead.
I left a note and locked the door; I made sure the slippers were pointed the right way.
But maybe all of that was useless.
I had the right the break every window in the house and climb out the window in style using makeshift ropes of bedclothes. He’d just sit me down for another conversation and we’d discuss anarchism till morning came.
He liked me. How awful.
Arna.