Shinya wanted to go to some foreign restaurant. They served me these little vegetable things in the middle of some sauce, and then three slices of beef with a touch of seasoning and a carrot flower. I was surprised; I expected more than this; so the Japanese served in little dishes, but there was never one dish and the little dishes added up to a lot!
“Stop staring at it and eat.”
I looked up at the others in panic, “This is not food! I refuse to believe this is food!”
“Don’t you like it?” Shinya asked.
“How can you not feel hungry after eating three slices of beef?”
He shrugged, “It’s healthy? Come on, this is good for you.”
I stared at my plate and gave it my most critical look of utter disgust and contempt, “What is it? That’s the first question I’d ask.”
Die snickered, “You’re doing a very convincing job, Toshiya, maybe you should try out for the next Star Wars movie.”
“Steamed vegetables and lean beef grilled. I’ve had it before; I don’t like the vegetables much but the beef is nice. You don’t have to eat the vegetables if you don’t want to.”
“No wonder he’s so skinny. He doesn’t eat.” Kyo mumbled.
“I do so eat. See I’m eating.” He expertly manipulated the foreign fork and knife.
I couldn’t stand it any longer. I had to get out of here, or I’d starve to death. I stabbed the beef strip with my fork and waved it madly in everyone’s faces, like a flag. Die almost choked laughing at the ridiculous image. Kyo blinked a few time at the juices flying.
“Hey, watch it! We wear contacts and so do you!”
“You call this bloody thing food?”
He shrugged and smiled helplessly, “Yes.”
“This is not food, Shinya! You may be a finicky eater but I’m not and it’s seriously pissing me off!”
Die signed, “Does anyone disagree with me if I say we have to feed him?”
I stood up and put on my jacket, “Here, here.”
+
There was this cafe type of place on corner nearby. I liked it there; Toshiya was very loud in declaring that they made a great strawberry milkshake, and had all these other interesting foods and drinks. They had booths as well as spiny red stools.
“One can actually get fed here.” He smiled. “Strawberry milkshake, chocolate, vanilla and blah, etc. Do you like ice cream? They have green-tea-flavoured ice cream. Red bean too . . .”
Half an hour had passed and the table was littered with all sorts of plates, bowls and glasses. Kyo was nodding off, sucking on some blue coloured drink. I didn’t like the sickening sweetness of the food so I passed; salty was my palate. Toshiya and Die was engaged in baiting Shinya, who was acting more like a disgruntled bull than a friend.
“Try this drink; it’s got jelly in it.”
“I’m having strawberry milkshake, want a sip?”
“I’m having these western dessert things called ‘cream puffs’. Want one?”
“Try the coconut thing, I hear it’s nice.”
“I’m not eating that! No way! I’m not eating anymore!”
“Oh, come on, open that mouth and eat instead of complaining.”
Shinya opened his mouth to retaliate; he looked like he wanted to explode. Toshiya grabbed a spoonful and stuffed it in. He closed his mouth. I wondered was he going to spit, swallow or spew. He chewed and swallowed, understanding the inevitable. Die and Toshiya were like a pair of ducks dealing with a difficult duckling, waiting expectantly for a reaction.
“It’s jelly!” he looked surprised.
“Of course it’s jelly.” I smiled, “We’re here to feed you, not poison you.”
Kyo signed, “I’m bored. It’s fun watching you guys try and eradicate anorexia in the world but can we please go somewhere else now?”
He was always bored. I should have brought him a Gameboy or something.
I watched Toshiya all night, looking for the signs of the old, and the new things that I never had time to discover. The puzzle pieces so sleekly shaped, and sharp at certain places, but the sharpness was attractive. People have always said that squares were boring; but look at the edges.
I just couldn’t speak to him. My tongue stayed knotted in my mouth all night.
+
“Does anyone have any aspirin of any brand at all?”
“Can you stop speaking? My ears are ringing.”
“Yeah, I agree. My head hurts and I want to go to sleep.”
“Do any of you remember what happened?” Kaoru asked.
“Um, alcohol. I remember that. And beer, lots of it, one L jugs of it.”
“Where’s Toshiya?”
“You mean he isn’t here.” Kyo sat up and looked around, patting a pillow. “Funny, I could have sworn I was sleeping on his stomach. Oh fuck! My head is imploding.”
“Where’s Die?”
“I can’t see properly.”
“I think I’m going to vomit! Where’s the bathroom!”
+
I sat on the railing, looking down on the cityscape. Die was afraid to come nearer, much less touch me in case I plummeted to my death; that was unlucky. I had woken this morning with a headache, and a bitter dryness in the back of my throat, brewing on my tongue.
Kyo was sleeping on my stomach; I moved away and gave him a pillow instead. I tripped on Die on the way to the door. He wasn’t going back to sleep, after being trod on, sworn at and prodded. So we set off together to get breakfast; everyone else was still out of it on my lounge room floor.
Somehow, that aim got lost when I saw the shopping complex’s roof parking lot.
“Toshiya, stop it. You’re scaring me.”
“It’s all in your imagination; stop scaring yourself.”
“Look, Toshiya, my dear friend, I may not be apart of your little pact with Kaoru, but I would really appreciate it if you take notice right here and right now of my extreme distress.”
“Um, said with such decorum, Mr. Ando. And I don’t have a pact with Kaoru.”
“Yeah, whatever you say. You guys talk a lot nowadays.”
“So do you. And Kyo and Shinya for that matter. He’s our leader, isn’t he?”
“Yes, yes, so he is. Well, you two always form a pack, and leave the three of us alone.” He almost sounded like he was whining or something equally yuppie.
“He’s the leader, Die, and I’m the one who was initiated late; I think it would be natural for me to know him better, being on my own; the new kid always follows the kind teacher, right?”
I didn’t really want to tell him the real reason.
I heard the snap of his lighter. He was smoking in his nervousness; I caught a whiff of his cigarette in the breeze. My head felt light, the air streaming through my hair and uplifting it. Clean and clear. How nice.
“Yes, yes, whatever; Kaoru’s not the point. Please, can you just get away from the edge?”
“Relax, I’m not trying to kill myself. Have a laugh and stop making me nervous.”
“Yeah, well try being in my position.”
“The smoker standing behind who won’t shut up and let me have an accident?”
“Funny, Toshiya, very funny. Would you not be worried if a pretty face was about to be splat to pulp on the pavement?”
“Splat to pulp? How inspiring and I see you are still your old self. The comment about the face was very tasteful, I must say. The answer is no; I’m sure beauty and brains are of a package.”
“Stop it! You’re not helping here!”
“I’m not going to jump, okay? In fact, I’m going to move from the edge in a moment, and then we can go get breakfast, for everyone. Hell, I’ll even split the check with you.”
“I don’t trust you.”
‘I’m not lying. I didn’t lie . . . I just didn’t have the heart to tell you.’
We sat in this restaurant soaking up wine and eating desserts. Sponge cake, mud cake, banana cake, apple toffee, and banana split ice cream. Wine and sweets don't make the best combination, but we didn’t have them in one mouthful.
So enthusiastic explaining all these foods and such, all the little stories to tell of foreigner friends, be they from Luxembourg or Australia. I just listened and laughed at the appropriate places. It wasn’t that I was bored; I found the face much more interesting to view.
‘In Italy or France – I forget which country – people compliment you by pinching on the butt. And so once, my friend Helen, you know, the Australian, she got arrested for punching this poor man who wanted nothing more than to say she was gorgeous.’
By the time we'd finished there, I was stuffed, and very drunk. Then we went a bar; a couple of bars actually and soaked up beer. There was a bar holding some Austrian or German night; that one was fun; it served beer in 1 L mugs. The same bar we were at last night.
“What are you thinking about?” Die asked, moving closer.
“Someone I used to know. A very good friend.”
“What happened to them?”
I wanted to scream that I knew exactly what was happening. A lost lying in hospital, alone, one’s own body betraying the spirit it held; treason. The jasmine blooms have long since wilted away. Death waited vigilantly; it was waiting for me to weep so I didn’t. I hated doing the expected things.
“I don’t know.” I lied.
“What happened?”
“I said I hated her, and that we weren’t friends anymore. We were sharing the apartment then, so I just left because she wouldn’t. When I came back, she was gone.”
“Why?” He was curious; Die was my friend but even he didn’t know this tale.
“Going to die; had cancer.” The words come so naturally.
Always had cancer. All I could hear was the word ‘cancer’ and ‘death’ when I was told; I don’t even know how, why or what kind. It wasn’t lying; just neglected to tell me, that’s all. The immensity of the word ‘death’ in my mind.
‘Come on, say goodbye to grandpa.’ My mother held me up.
I stared down at the blue white face of a man I didn’t
really know. I felt sad looking at him, and I didn’t know why; he looked
peaceful at least, as if sleeping. I
felt strange, like I was looking at some sacred and frightening.
Death was very
quick, I thought to myself; in fact, I couldn’t stop thinking about that. Life
isn't quick and speedy with a snap at the end like death; maybe life was more
painful than death itself. If my friend was already dead, she wouldn’t feel
much pain.
“Look, I’m sorry about your friend, but will you just stop this insanity! Just the sight of your feet all dangly is making me all wobbly inside.”
“My feet all dangly makes you all wobbly?” I asked.
I let go of the railing and giggled. I was insane but satisfied, strangely oddly content with the moment. Die had a heart attack; he snatched me back from the edge, arms chained around my waist. He refused to let go till I promised him that I wouldn’t jump; am I such a limp doll as to be dragged around by him?
Perhaps I wanted to be swept away into the open ocean; the salt brine going up my nose and choking me. That is how Kaoru would die, I know, because I have foreseen it. But death is just change. I hate change.
+
Kaoru felt like he was going to be sick. Kyo was very sick, throwing up in the toilet bowl while Shinya was quietly hacking away at the sink. The smell of alcohol and stomach acid was not what he wanted to encounter first thing in the morning, hung-over, pissed, tired and all. Where was the host anyway? He looked at the door; no Toshiya standing there with bucket and mop.
Shinya looked up from his little spitting at the sink, “Kaoru, do you know where the aspirin is?”
Kyo dug his head out from the bowl, “It’s in his bedroom, the beside table, first drawer.”
“Thanks.” Kaoru wondered if Kyo was psychic to know that little tidbit.
He nodded, “Yeah, well I know cos usually I drop him home when he’s sick and I have to make him take his medication.”
Kaoru nodded, “Right.”
So Kyo was psychic. He tapped on Toshiya’s bedroom door till it opened just a crack. He peeked in, feeling perhaps a little out of his jurisdiction. He would be in and then out, and no one would even notice. He crept in and went quickly to the bedside table. He couldn’t really see anything with the curtains pinned shut so he turned on the lamp.
A fish scaler and gorger. He stared at it. The dirty metal blade had dried blood on it. He took the aspirin from the drawer and looked back at the two strange instruments there. He reached out to touch it. Kyo screamed for him to hurry the fuck up. He turned off the light and hurried out of the room, shutting the door behind him.
Toshiya came in the door and smiled at him. He smiled back, a little guilty, a little doubtful. Once a seed was planted, it grows. Once doubt grows, it cannot be unsoiled. No poppy, nor mandragora, nor all the drowsy syrups of the world shall ever medicine him to the sweet sleep which he just slept yesterday. Multifaceted gem in the dark, that cut him so.
“Good morning.” Toshiya grinned and thrust some shopping bags into his arms, “Hold these, eh?”
Kaoru watched Die and Toshiya toe off their shoes. He sighed when he realised Toshiya would not be taking the bags off him. He walked grudging to the kitchen, hopping on the cold tiles like fish in air. Toshiya grinned and leaned against the doorframe, that little indulgent curl of the lips driving Kaoru mad – he wanted to grab Toshiya by the mouth and stick his head in the toilet.
Die sat down at the kitchen table and yawned, “I’m sleepy.”
Kyo walked in with a disgusted expression, “Kaoru, Shinya vomited on me.”
Toshiya slid in front of him, “Go and have a shower. Kaoru’s not your mother, deal with it.”
Kaoru smiled, “I’m not your mother, eh?”
Toshiya turned around and winked, “If you wanna be, go ahead. Wear protective padding and you’ll probably survive.”
“Probably?”
Die held up his arm, “Toshiya, you little twit! You gave me a bruise dancing on me this morning!”
Toshiya smirked and nudged his head in Die’s direction, “See what I mean, ‘mum’.”
Arna.