Believe

by fuXion

Specially for arna, Lady7 and Vanilla Mint.

Happy Birthday.

What’s wrong with the world. No. I would say, what’s wrong with its people. No complete trust between you and me. Why? Simply because nobody initiated to find out, know the reason. Getting things you shouldn’t deserve. Not your fault? What a common excuse. Might be your theory but it might not be the other’s reason. Where am I actually siding? Where am I actually heading? Fuck the world.

Words. How flowery or truthful can they get? If you say actions speak louder than word does that mean that every action is from the heart and one should have no doubts on them? Words are source of misunderstandings. But did anyone say actions aren’t? If both are put together, does that mean that the more you should believe or is it the other way round?

I can’t trust myself sometimes either. I know I like him but how would I know he does too? My expressions might have already betrayed me. But, he showed nothing. I am such a coward. I would never have the courage others might have. I would never go up to him to express my feelings. Never?

Just a crush. Maybe it would go away after some time. I’ve been waiting for that to happen but never after such a period of time. Maybe it’s because we’ve got closer, more time together these days. I wondered when it all started. He started telling me his problems. We could talk about anything. Anything. Even on stage, physically, he is so close to me. Telling anyone that I could feel his warmth might be a little too exaggerated, but I did felt it.

It didn’t go away. I hate such a feeling. We went to the pub near to our studio. Of course we were drinking. I wasn’t in the mood to do so; as such I didn’t end up in a drunken state. He did. Maybe it was the alcohol, he mumbled something. It wasn’t really clear, "Toshiya likes Kaoru a lot. Really like him." He did his usual giggles. Of course I was shocked. But, come on, I have to wake up. He’s drunk. It doesn’t mean anything at all. Stolen memories.

I wanted to feel happy yet, that was no truth at all. Deep under, I believe that but on the surface, I couldn’t. The next day was usual, casual. Coming into the studio and hugging me. Right, the little meaningless things he always does. Did he realize how hard is it for me to cope? All these little things kept me going, my motivation probably?

Another common late afternoon, walking heavily as usual to the usual studio. Admit it, I’m dying to see that bassist. Everything’s the same as they are as yesterday. I walked into the room, seeing the two. Two of them, Toshiya and Die, hugging and kissing. How I wish I could stab him Die at that moment. The way I spelled that out seemed nothing. Maybe too enraged. Too much of it to think I suppose. They might not have taken any notice. Exit.

Words are source of misunderstanding. I laughed at myself. How true. I knew that from the beginning that he didn’t mean it. But why did I still believe? Naïve. Hoping and believing. Haha. Crap. I should have known by now that he said he meant this at that minute but that at the other. Maybe what he said was true, after all.

10:00pm

Nobody wants me, right from the minute I was born, I suppose.

10:01pm

Toshiya?

10:02pm

No. He wants Die. Kaoru, you’re such a fool.

10:03pm

He said he likes Kaoru.

10:04pm

He didn’t say he mean it. You only dreamt of him promising you remember?

10:05pm

Oh, yes, that’s right. Kaoru is such a useless being. Can’t do anything right.

10:06pm

Agree? Should I laugh at Kaoru?

10:07pm

Forget it. You don’t love him that much actually.

10:08pm

Really? I don’t believe.

Believe? When did you try that out?

Believe? How much have you use it?

Believe? Him or yourself?