Another...
by
Jennifier D.
Author's notes: I've finally done a DEG fanfic!! Maybe I should do a Pierrot one when I have the inspiration... *laughs* Anyway, thanks a lot to Loreley for suggesting that I should try writing a DEG fic ^^ And Siren-san for reply my mail T-T Please write more fanfics!! As for my GacktxMasa fic... heheheh... it's about half done, so there's about a part more before I wrap it up! It seems as though I'm not very good at writing stories with happy endings though ^^;;; I sense major OOC here... *cringes* Don't kill me!! I know I can't quite write DEG, but I think caffeine has really shot my reasoning and logic to hell. Also, the translations for the Japanese romanised lyrics at the beginning of the fic can be found at the end of it. Mou, I'll use a DEG song, but I can't find one that fits the theme of my story better than Gackt-sama's Secret Garden. Well, maybe not totally... but that paragraph fits. Right. *starts dodging stuff thrown by 'I-hate-Gackt' fans*
"Yume no naka de hirogaru sekai wa the last secret garden
mou kimi no nake de kieteshimau kedo wasurenaide
boku no na dake wo"
-- Gackt Camui, "Secret Garden"t;
-----
[Shinya]
Who am I supposed to help now? Kyo or Die? Or even Kaoru?
"Shin-chan..." Toshiya, who needs and loves me so much, but I haven't spared a
thought for him.
"I'm sorry..." I whisper into his hair as I hold him close to me. Despite the
fact that everyone else in Dir en grey looks stronger than me, in times of crisis, I'm
always the one being the pillar of support here.
"Why... Kaoru?" Good question, Totchi. I will like to know the answer to that
question too. Why Kaoru? Is this supposed to teach each of us a lesson?
While looking at you lying there now, Kaoru, you make me question myself whether I can be
as strong as Die or Kyo if the same thing happens to Totchi. Of course, I _don't_ want
that to happen, but there is always a possibility, with all of us being such party
animals.
Will I cry?
Or will I bite back my tears like what Die is doing now?
You have made me realise how precious life is... and how inevitable it is to try and avoid
the struggles of life. Once we stop living, we will have nothing left with us. There is no
such thing as eternity after death. Surely, no such utopia exists except within the minds
of those who are deluded.
"Totchi..." Toshiya looks up with his tears-reddened eyes and hastily wipes away
the running mascara tracks. You don't have to try to look pretty before me, Totchi. No
matter what you look like, I will still love you. Even if you are the one who is knocked
down by the car, I'll stay by your side day and night until you eventually wake up. I will
never let you vanish from my memories, because you are so important to me...
"I love you." I kiss Totchi on his forehead, then his nose and finally his lips,
which are swollen. He has a bad habit of biting his lips whenever he is nervous or scared,
and no matter how hard I try, I can't help him kick that habit. But that's what Totchi is
like, if I try to change him, he will no longer be the Totchi I know and love... and that
will be my own fault.
Ne, Kaoru, you better wake up soon. If you don't, Die is going to start crying and that
will totally ruin his image, won't it? You should know how much of a crybaby _he_ can be
when he's really upset. Although the two of you love to tease me during interviews, and as
much as I hate the teasing, I really don't want to see him cry. Everyone in Dir en grey is
precious to me, especially Toshiya... But I'm sure that you know that.
You won't want Die to cry, will you? I know how much you love him... so why don't you
gather the courage to tell him that when you finally wake up? Don't hesitate too long in
that place between the worlds... you have too many people waiting down here for you. Don't
make Die pine away for you in this world. Don't make all of us wait for you in this living
hell.
Please wake up, Kaoru.
All of us need you. Dir en grey needs you. Where will we be if you don't exist anymore?
Dir en grey can't continue without you... Die won't be able to continue living without
you...
So, for the sake of Die...
....please.
[Kyo]
Niikura Kaoru.
Wake up. NOW. Before I tie you to the bed and make sure that you stay there since you seem
to like it so much... I'm supposed to be the one who sleeps more than anyone else in Dir
en grey, not you.
Especially you.
"Ne, Kyo, are you-"
"I'm fine." I brush away Toshiya's hand nonchalantly, my gaze fixed on some
faraway object outside the grilled windows.
I can't stand being inside here anymore.
I push my way out of the hospital room, my head bowed. No, I'm not crying. Why would I
cry? I'm Kyo, the scary one in Dir en grey.
I'll never cry.
I can be strong like Die. Die is having it worse than me and he isn't even crying, so what
right do I have to cry? Shinya doesn't cry. Toshiya cries over everything so it doesn't
matter if he cries.
Why...? Why you of all people, Kaoru? Why can't it be someone else? I know that you love
Die to bits... that you are willing to do anything for him but... this is not fair! Why
did you push him out of the way when the car was about knock him down?!
I know I'm being selfish. You love Die more than anyone else in this world. I can't
possibly tell you to stand there and watch some drunken fool kill your lover. But do you
know that I love you? Do you know that I'm willing to be the one lying there hooked up to
so many tubes rather than you? Do you know that if Die is no longer around for you, I'll
still be here?
But it's not the same, ne?
I'm not Die. Not Ando Daisuke. I'm Kyo. Niimura Tooru.
Ho-how can I wish death upon Die...? What's happening to myself? Die, who is so friendly
and open to everyone. Die, who doesn't watch his mouth and says things that hurt even
though he doesn't intend them to. I'm being selfish, right? Because I want you all to
myself, so I'm being selfish, wishing that Die was the one who got knocked down instead.
If he is the one lying on the hospital bed now, you will be holding his hand and crying
your heart out. You'll be so sad and there's nothing I can do for you because I'm not Die.
I love you, Kaoru. Why won't you love me in return?
Poor little Kyo-kun. Isn't that what I am always? Nobody seems to want to know the person
behind the mask called 'Kyo'. Nobody wants to know who Niimura Tooru is.
It's okay.
There really isn't a need for people who know who I am. Maybe they will find the real me
more scary than the one they can associate with on stage.
Who cares about me anyway?
I'm just Kyo...
I'll wait for you, Kaoru. Soon, you will wake up. Maybe I'll have a chance to win your
heart. Maybe then, Die will finally let you go. Then you'll be mine...
"Kyo-kun," Shinya, you can't help me. Can't you see I'm too far gone for you to
help? I've turned into a crazy creature who can't tell apart what's real and what's false
anymore... My love for Kaoru is driving my crazy. Do you know that I even wish for Die to
be the one who's knocked down instead?
"Are you okay? You don't look too good."
"I'm fine." Why are all of you so concerned over me? Go back to Toshiya, Shinya.
He needs you more than I do. Can't you see how frail he is under the mask of strength he
wears? "I think Toshiya needs your concern more than I do."
"No," I look up to see him shaking his head with a sad smile. "Everyone
here needs concern, even myself. But someone has to give... and I choose to give, because
the rest of you have already given yourselves dry. Toshiya will definitely continue crying
for a while more so what he needs now is time to calm down. Die is simply trying to hold
back his tears because he feels guilty for what happened. What about you, Kyo?"
I... need help. I-I need to kill the Kyo I don't know existing within myself. So can
you...? Will you...?
"...help me, Shinya..."
[Toshiya]
Shin-chan is always so strong... even when he faces a crisis like this, he can still walk
through the desecration without bating an eyelid. For all these and more, I don't want to
ever let go of him, but...
How can he tolerate my frivolous nature?
I hardly stay by his side, although I always tell him I love him. I have a social life
he's unwilling to participate in and because of this, people often conclude that we are
from two different worlds. So why are we still together?
Frankly speaking... I don't know.
Maybe, the answer is hidden deep within me; I have hidden it deep inside myself and I'm
too afraid to acknowledge it.
And now, I'm only aware of Shinya... of his strong arms around my back... and his lovely
long hair which smells like spring. I'm aware of his strength and his gentleness, all
these which I have taken for granted. I'm so confident that he will never leave my side, I
have begin to neglect him.
Maybe he will never dump me like my past boyfriends or girlfriends, but what if something
like death comes to steal him away from me? What am I going to do then? Who will hold me
while I cry my heart out?
Kaoru, what will I do if Shin-chan falls into a comatose like you? I don't want to lose
him...
"A penny for your thoughts." Shin-chan now smiles at me in the gentle way he
always does.
I will give every single part of myself to you for free, Shin-chan... but certain thoughts
are not meant to be shared.
"It's nothing. I'm just thinking about how Die is going to cope with all these."
"I'm sure Kaoru will wake up soon."
"I hope." A sudden lance of fear pierce through me and I hold onto Shin-chan
tight, burying my face in the crook of his neck.
My pillar of strength...
My Shin-chan...
I should really treasure you in the same way Die treasures Kaoru. I don't want to wake up
one day regretting not loving you more than before.
I will hate myself so much for allowing that... I might just go mad.
Shin-chan...
"Are you okay?" Shin-chan looks at me with so much concern in his eyes... why is
it that I only notice that now?
"Yeah." I only hold onto him tighter, closing my eyes against the blinding glare
of the harsh hospital lights.
"Everything's going to be okay..." He's gentle touch soothes me. Everything
about him soothes me. He has never raised his voice at me, only treating me with
gentleness and love. Everything action of his conveyed how much he loves me, yet I seem to
be blind to all these until now. What took me so long? Why did I hesitate giving myself
totally to him? Am I afraid to be hurt again like what happened in the past? Why am I
afraid of Shin-chan?
I have been so foolish all along, thinking that I can be strong on my own. Thinking that
in a relationship, the only way to gain out of it is to find someone who loves me more
than I love him or her. But that's not true. I've realised that all these are not true. A
relationship is not a bargain... there no such thing as fairness in the amount of love
given. There is no such thing as letting someone love you more than you love him. If you
love him, then you do. To try to equate the amount of love in a relationship will only
cheapen it, like how I have cheapened myself in the past.
But I'm going to change that. I'm going to love Shin-chan and appreciate him for all he's
worth... and all for I'm worth.
How can I ever survive without you, Terachi Shinya?
Whatever made me think that I can live without you?
I can't... so I won't try anymore.
"Shin-chan..." I whisper softly against his neck, then nuzzle it, feeling my own
fresh tears wet the smooth skin. I slowly lick the tears off, then kiss it.
"Hm?"
"I love you too."
[Die]
Kaoru... I can't hold back my tears anymore. Can you feel them wetting your hand? Can you
hear my heart cry? Why must this happen to you? Why must you try to save me?
You stupid man.
You hands are so cold... the doctor says that you are most likely to suffer from
retrograde amnesia when you wake up... which means you might not remember me anymore when
you wake up again. It may be temporary, it may be permanent, but he said that your brain
has suffered severe damage so chances are, large chunks of your memories will be missing.
Will memories of me go missing together with them?
You can't leave me behind, alone in this world... you promised to love me and stay by my
side forever...
Do you know that as you lay there unconscious for so many hours, I have been thinking? I
realised how selfish I have been wanting you to stay by my side forever. After all, the
both of us are males. How can I possibly make you happy?
I can't give you children. I can't cook. My body isn't soft like a woman's and I snore
when I sleep. And I also have a terrible temper. Why do you still want me then?
I'm sure that you know my flaws as well as I do... so why haven't you left me yet? Do you
really love me as much as you promised...?
Please don't leave me in such a manner; I don't want to see you slowly fading away from my
vision. You may leave me for a girl eventually, I won't mind. But if you die and leave me
alone in this world... I'll be tempted to join you as soon as possible...
I love you so much...
If you don't remember me anymore when you wake up, I'll let you go... You deserve a much
better life than the current one you share with me. Because I'm strong, you constantly
feel the need to be the one acting out the weaker role in a relationship in order to
maintain the balance. Because of this, I really hate that perfectionist side of you
sometimes. You are as strong as me... no, in fact, you are stronger than me... so why must
you be the passive one? Just because I'm outspoken and loud doesn't mean that you have to
be quiet. Just because I'm crazy doesn't mean that you must always be serious. You can be
as crazy as I am... I'm very sure of that. But your role as our leader, as my lover,
leaves you caught between a rock and a hard place. You don't want to be too domineering in
our relationship because in work, you are already the leader, yet why can't you see that
you can also be the leader in our relationship? If you choose to lead, I'll gladly follow
you...
Sometimes, I feel as though there is this permanent chasm that exists between the two of
us and no mater how hard I try, I can never cross it. Now, it's only getting wider. You
are like a fleeting shadow which I can neither grasp nor understand totally. And I can't
stop you from slipping out of my grasp. I can't stop things from happening. I can't turn
back time. At that moment, when I see the car's lights bearing down on me, already I feel
the imminent danger... that you are going to try to do something you shouldn't.
Why, Kaoru? Why save me...?
....to so many people who don't know our relationship, we are best friends. In actual
fact, you are more than a friend, Kaoru. You are my lover, my soulmate and my companion.
You are my everything...
Ne, Kaoru, will you open your eyes? I promise not to attack you while you are asleep
anymore... I'll be good, I'll treat you even nicer than before and I won't try to drive
you up the wall on a daily basis. Or fight with you over food. Or draw nasty things on
your face while you are asleep with a permanent marker...
Kaoru... come back to me please...
....I need you.
*****
The dim morning sunlight peeked through the slits of the drawn curtains, falling on Die
who had fallen asleep in the chair beside Kaoru's bed. In the silence of the room, only
the constant beat of the machinery hooked onto Kaoru and the slightly softer sound of
Die's snoring could be heard. Die's mouth was half-opened in sleep and occasionally, he
would mumble something incoherently, then clench Kaoru's hand hard.
"Kaoru..." a tear rolled down Die's cheek as he murmured the name of his
beloved.
Meanwhile, on Kaoru's peaceful sleeping face, long eyelashes started to flutter.
-----
"The world which expands in the middle of dreams is the last secret garden
I've already vanished from within you, but just don't forget
my name"
-- Gackt Camui, "Secret Garden"t;
After notes: Hahaha... more ramblings from this psychopathic author ^^;;; Anyway, I hope
the story doesn't turn out weird. It certainly looks weird to me... T-T Also, gomen ne
Kaoru-sama~ I know I've made you kinda non-existent... well, at least everyone was
mumbling your name!! *hides under a table as Kaoru unlashes his temper* As for the major
OOC-ness... once again, I apologise. Hontou!! Gomen nasai~ *starts running for her life
cos DEG fans are really going to kill her this time*
Date completed: 260501
last revised: 020601
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