"Love"
by
Jennifier D.
[08042001]



He wooed him.

With an almost fevered passion, he was after the effeminate man. In his eyes, the other was perfect.

Perfect-- and cold, like winter.

He was an enigma; a puzzle that could take one centuries to figure out, yet there was something so fragile about him that appealed to his protective instincts.

Gackt knew that he was caught the very first time he met him, walking into the karaoke lounge to test out his singing. Mesmerised totally by the cold beauty that had graced him with his presence.

Who would have thought that underneath the cold mask was a man who had emotions? Love, anger, despair, desire...

All those playacting on stage... the little hugs and caresses. The kisses that never quite met his lips. Gackt hoped feverently that he would know his love... understand it, reciprocate it.

When he finally agreed to date, Gackt thought that he found true love.

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[Gackt]

I wonder what he's doing now...? Is he watching one of those horror movies he adores all alone in his apaato, or is he out now with the rest of them drinking? Or will he--

Sigh.

I press my forehead against the cold glass of the window. It is raining outside; little droplets of rain have collected on the windowpane like my regrets. The things I did, the words I said. They all came back to haunt me like my childhood fears.

Talking voices that don't belong to anyone.
Little girls who will never stop playing and laughing in the parks.
Babies that never have a chance to grow up.

Although all these gradually become less visible as I grow older, the memories linger like a time-old fragrance. Tainting my life.

I should have never said those words to him. Upset him in the manner I did... What everyone say is true after all. I'm an egocentric person who hardly thinks about the opinions of the people around me. I'm selfish. I never care much about the other person's feelings in a relationship. But... this doesn't lessen the love I harbour within myself... This love I hold for him. I'm afraid to admit to this love now, especially after I have hurt him so badly with my departure.

How can I say I love him when all I have done was hurt him?

Maybe... maybe I should give him a call. Apologise to him instead of acting so morse and pathetic in my own apaato. Go over to that house which I have spent so many nights with him in my arms... I have to talk to him; even once is enough, before I leave for LA. Because once I reach there... the old Gackt Camui will no longer exist.

Rebirth.

He will no longer recognise me when I finally return from America.

Do you know that I met a new friend yesterday at the bar? He's a very interesting and sexy young man who just returned from New York. Very pretty... and attractive. I know he is interested in me, drawn to my eccentric personality like _he_ was. But he's not cold... Although he has the same fragile air around him, he's not cold like the other. In fact, he's actually the opposite- like a fire, burning so brightly before me that I'm tempted to simply reach out and touch...

No.

At least, not now. Not yet. Maybe if I meet him again later in my life, yes... But not now.

I should really give him a call.

["Hello?"] His voice, so soft, as though he wants to conceal it from the world.

"Hi, it's me." My hands are trembling... why?

["Oh, Gakuto. What is the matter?"] So painfully polite. Why are you talking to me in such a manner? Why are you treating me in the same way you will treat a stranger?

"I... need to talk to you. Can I come over?" Please say 'Yes'. Please! I really need to see you again...

Silence from the other end. What can he be thinking about? He never hesitates to say 'Yes' when I ask him the same question in the past.

["Yes."]

"I'll be there in two hours' time."

["Okay."]

Click. Dial tone.

With a kind of excitement that makes my whole being hum, I go about preparing myself for the visit. I must look my best before him. Present to him the same old me he has loved so much. Thank goodness that I didn't follow my image consultant's idea of dying my hair blond. He will be so devastated when he finds out about that.

Blond has always been his colour.

Before I know it, I'm standing at his doorstep pressing his doorbell. I feel as though I'm on our first date again; the butterflies dancing about in my stomach are making me jittery and excited.

The door opens and my love stands behind it, his face totally free of make-up, yet still as beautiful as ever.

"Hi, Gakuto. We haven't talked for quite some time..." With a sad smile on his lips, he waves me into the familiar apartment. I can still see traces of myself in his apaato. The pictures we took together... the ash holder I bought for him... the loveseat we picked out while shopping for last year's Christmas presents.

A kind a mellow joy begins to infuse my whole being as I gaze upon all these.

He has never forgotten me.

With a small nod and a gentle smile, I step into his apartment. "Thank you, Mana."

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Yu~ki looked at Kozi uneasily, then at Kami who was fuming mad and glaring daggers at Gackt. He finally turned back to Mana, who sat there stoically, his back straight and his face held high. So cold. The bassist gave an involuntary shudder.

"So you want to leave Malice Mizer." Mana's voice came out sharp and flat, but Gackt could hear a tinge of bitterness in it.

"Yes." Gackt nodded his head, gazing back into Mana's eyes, which were cold and empty like a winter sun. He felt a stab of pain when he saw the expression Mana wore. He hadn't regard Gackt in such a manner ever since the two of them started dating... Gackt suddenly hated himself; hated himself for making Mana retreat back into his shell, for destroying the fragile love the two of them had so painstakingly developed for each other over the past two years.

"I see. It was great working with you. Thank you for contributing to the success of Malice Mizer." In clipped tones, Mana concluded the meeting, his face expressionless.

Kozi stretched, then stood up and walked out of the conference room. Although his face was expressionless like Mana's, his eyes were burning with a kind of rage Gackt had never seen before.

Yu~ki followed Kozi out of the room, uncomfortable with the tension that was building up inside. The same thing was happening all over again. Everything would be sailing along just fine when their vocalist suddenly decided to dump them. It was like the issue with Tetsu all over again.

Gackt dared not look at Kami. He didn't want to see the anger and disappointment in the latter's eyes. Kami was his best friend in Malice Mizer... he ought to have told him about his plans before breaking the news to the whole band, but he chose not to because he knew that the other could sway his decisions.

Kami stood up from his seat and eyed Gackt's bowed head darkly, then kicked his chair angrily. "Damn you, Gackt! You could have at least told me first! What kind of best friend are you?!"

Gackt didn't reply. He knew that once Kami had gotten over his initial shock and anger, he would calm down and think logically about Gackt's reason for leaving Malice Mizer. He was very sure that all of them would understand why he chose to leave Malice Mizer if they could put their anger, disappointment and shock aside to consider the reason he gave.

The door slammed shut as Kami exited from the room.

Now, there were only the two of them left. When he looked at Mana, all he could see was the other's haunting eyes, which shone with a kind of unnatural brightness.

"Mana-"

"Shut up. I don't want to hear any more excuses from you."

"I think that-"

"The two of us should break up, right?"

"Please let me expl-"

"There's nothing to explain Gakuto. It's all written on your face."

"We are from two different worlds, Mana..."

"I know."

"I love you so much..."

Silence.

"Please believe me. I don't want to leave Malice Mizer either, but if this continues... it will tear the band up. I don't want to destroy Malice Mizer."

"Leave. Go. Get out of my life."

"Mana-"

"GO!"

Gackt sighed, then stood up, walking towards the door. When he reached there, he turned and gave Mana one last smile that was both sad and wistful.

"Do you know that I love you more than anything in this world... even myself? Thank you for all the beautiful memories, Mana, I'll treasure them."

The door clicked shut.

Mana sat there, so still that he might as well be a statue. His eyes were dry, so dry that they hurt, yet he refused to blink because he knew that blinking would only bring on the tears. He would not cry. He would never cry. He must not cry-

A sob.

Then a whisper so soft, one wondered if one had heard it at all.

"I love you too..."

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[Mana]

Like an apparition, he appears right when I am thinking about him. Always him. Even after Kozi has admitted to loving me no less than Gakuto did, I can't love him in return.

The feeling is simply not there; it's almost as though he had taken my heart together with him when he left my world. Left Malice Mizer.

Now he's back again, looking as nervous as he did during our first date, the anxiety showing in his eyes.

Strangely, I still feel nothing.

Maybe I have finally become what I like to portray myself as. An ice queen. Emotionless. Heartless. Forever high above the rest, gazing down at their human fallacies with contempt. My interest in human love has finally faded.

In a way, this is good. It lets me be detached from this world. I can watch the world without a pair of rose-tinted glasses.

See humanity in its own form, so raw and sour like rough red wine.

What does he want to tell me? After how he left Malice Mizer and me, what else is there for us to say to each other? We are too different. >From two different worlds, like he had said.

"Mana?" He notices me gazing into space. Sweet, innocent him who doesn't quite understand me, even on the day he chose to leave me.

"Yes?"

"I came... to apologise for what I said the other time. It didn't come out the way I had intended it to..." I let him continue, watching him fret over the hem of his shirt.

"I was just trying to say that I have changed, and I desire to express that in my music. Malice Mizer is like my child as well... but the parent can't stay by his child forever. I'm here to aid the four of you as a period of transition... nothing more."

So that's what you are.

Transition. Change. You came into our lives, tore down the old Malice Mizer and rebuilt it all over again with us.

Now you leave us, stranded without your voice to lead our direction. Taking half of our fans together with you. Almost destroying us when we have finally reached the point that won us recognition.

I'm not angry with you.

I can never be angry with you... but you don't understand how much it hurts when you told me that the two of us had to part as well.

Just because you are leaving Malice Mizer doesn't mean that you have to leave me as well... I love you so much...

What's this? ...tears?

"Mana!" You sound so shocked, so surprised that I will cry before you. No, it's not you who made me cry... it's myself. "Are you okay? Please don't cry!"

Flustered, you take out your handkerchief and hand it to me. "Thank you."

Gently, too gently, you draw me into your arms in a loose embrace, giving me the chance to turn away and escape if I want to.

But I don't want to.

Reaching forward, I wind my arms around Gakuto hard, crying silently into his shoulder. The embrace is so familiar... his scent is so familiar... I wish that we have never parted. I miss him so much, but my pride refuses to let me go and see him again. I miss his gentle touch... his soft murmuring voice... and his eyes, which always gaze at me as though he knows me inside out.

My Gakuto. I only wish...

No! No more wishes... he will never return to me again...

Kisses so soft adorn my forehead, I barely feel them when they start. His lips slowly find their way to mine and I am lost...

Drowning...

Ahh... maybe... maybe I can learn to love once more?

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They loved each other deep into the night, finally realising what they had chosen for themselves when they decided to part.

A different future.

One that would not tear their band up like it had done to others.

One of them would continue to walk alone, never looking back.

The other would continue to progress, even after the band lost one more precious member. They could survive the weathering of time. They had built themselves to survive it.

As Gackt stood at Mana's doorstep for one last time, the both of them smiled.

They could continue moving on now.

Into futures unknown, but they would continue walking forward. Maybe they might meet again later in their lives, both so radically different that one couldn't imagine their former closeness.

They had love.
Tenderness.
Pain.
Sorrow.

Even as they found courage to love each other again, they knew clearly what happened that night when Gackt visited.

To return Mana his heart.
His love.

The forbidden love they shared, like a secret between two friends that was carried to their deaths.

Both realised... the answer to Mana's question was not malicious misery.

It was love.

True love. Withering love. Forbidden love. Selfish love. Possessive love. There were so many... And all of them held the same tinge of sadness which Gackt knew intimately. It continued to influence their music even long after he left them.

They said true love would last a million years... maybe, it just need one moment to breathe. Give it its deserved life and it could show you all the pain and sufferings of humans.

True love never last forever.

Because it was too deep, its victims felt as though they were drowning constantly. Because it had so much darkness, so much sacrifices involved, they could only end up hurting each other.

Gackt and Mana knew that; it was the reason why they stayed away.

It was the reason why Gackt wanted to go.

It was the reason why Mana eventually let him go.

Both of them knew, deep within their hearts, that even long after they had parted, the spark of love would continue living.

The child they had given a life to.

....their love.


End

Acknowledgements: Loreley-san!! She's the best! And then there's Miaka, Claire and SPML!!

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