Kaoru stared out the trees and birds the train passed by as he sat on his seat comfortably. The entire train was almost empty and silence dominated the air. He wanted to smoke so bad, but that meant going all the way to the last car of the train. He should’ve asked for a seat there.

Then Kaoru saw a clear, beautiful lake outside and stared at it. How pretty. The sun shone brightly on it and reflected a natural blue color…

~..’Aishiteru’…~

Kaoru shook his head. He could still see the almond shaped yes searching for an answer that he already knew. He could still sense the tension and apprehension in the air. Worst of all, he could still feel the guilt in his heart when he saw the pretty eyes fill with tears.

He’s never done that before. He never had made him cry for real. But what could he say? He couldn’t lie to Toshiya; so he told the truth. The truth.

Kaoru bit his lip. Was it really the truth?

Kaoru shook his head again. He needed to stop thinking. He needed to do something.

He took out his journal and started writing.

#####

Dear Journal,

It’s strange how one week came and went so quickly at the Terachi’s. it’s amazing how many things can happen and change in a matter of days.

Die and Shinya had the time of their lives. Die was definitely in a good mood. He talked to Shinya the whole time. He was supposed to room with me, but he spent his nights with his Shinchan. I don’t mind at all, just as long as both are happy.

Miyabi and Hakuei’s situation became worse. I don’t particularly know the details, but I caught them having a conflict in the hall way. Miyabi refused to room with Hakuei, so I ended up rooming with that bastard last night. He threw away my alarm clock! >.<!

It wasn’t a good rest. Our room was divided in half by toilet paper, but I suspect he moved it because I woke up with toilet paper all over me. Damn him!

Anyways, a lot more incidents occurred, but there’s too much to say….

#####

kaoru stopped. There wasn’t much to say; it was just HARD to say. Kaoru sighed in frustration and continued to stare out the window….

~*Flashback*~

Toshiya was clenching his hands so hard that his knuckles turned white. He waited and waited for an answer, even though he already knew Kaoru would reject him. Just by reading the expression on Kaoru’s face, he could tell already. It was so obvious.

Kaoru paled and felt a wave of shock through his body. He never expected this. Toshiya is his roommate! And what does Toshiya see in him that’s attractive?

Kaoru looked at Toshiya. The pretty eyes were searching him, but he could see an expression of disappointment; as if he already knew the answer.

Kaoru cleared his throat. “this is quite…. Sudden….”

Toshiya pursed his lip and didn’t reply.

“Well….” Kaoru said. “I… I don’t’ know what to say except I appreciate that someone actually feels that way about me.”

Toshiya simply nodded.

“And… I do care about you a lot, but…just not in the same manner. You’re a very good friend to me and you’re a very good person. I just don’t see you in that way…” Kaoru stopped.

Toshiya’s lips trembled and he bit his tongue to stop his tears from falling. “I understand.” He whispered. He blinked as a tear silently rolled down the perfect cheek.

Kaoru wanted to hit himself. “Totchi, I’m sorry….”

Toshiya shook his head. “Don’t apologize for expressing the truth.” He sniffed. “I really appreciate that you did that.”

“Demo…” Kaoru never liked to see Toshiya cry and he knew how it felt like to be rejected by the person you like. He could remember when he figured out Die and Shinya’s infatuation with each other. “Totchi…” he stepped closer to hug the younger man.

Toshiya stepped back. “No.” He insisted. “I’m OK. Really. Don’t worry. Daijyoubou.” Toshiya produced a sad smile and Kaoru felt something painful on his chest when he saw that.

“I’ll miss my flight.” Toshiya said. “Enjoy your trip.”

Kaoru blinked, speechless. What could he say? All his little muses and words of advise left him when he needed it the most.

Toshiya gave a slight nod, then left, leaving the purplehead rooted to the spot.

~*End flashback*~

the whistle sounded and the train moved to an abrupt stop. Kaoru started picking his bags. Once the doors were opened, he slung his bags and guitar case over his shoulders and jumped off the train. He pushed the painful thoughts on the back of his head as he walked toward the gate and saw his mother waving to him from a distance. He was finally home.

*****

“So how’s school?” Mrs. Nikkura, Kaoru’s mother, asked during dinner.

“Great.” Kaoru replied.

It was common for Kaoru to give one-word answers, but his mother wasn’t blunt. She was sharp.

She continued to observe him as he chewed the rice absently and drank the water slowly. “You’re having a problem, aren’t you?”

Kaoru almost choked on his drink. “W-what? No. everything’s fine. I’m just tired.”

She raised an eyebrow. “You know better than to lie to your mother.”

“But…”

“I know you. I didn’t raise you by myself without knowing what you’re like. I can tell you’re just upset because your eyebrows are knitted and you’re thinking deeply to yourself. What is it this time?”

“It’s only a minor problem.”

“Minor? A problem is a problem. If you have a minor problem, then you wouldn’t mind telling me; if you do have a major problem, then you WOULD mind telling me.”

Kaoru frowned. He should’ve remembered that he genetically inherited his logical skills from someone.

“So,” his mother continued. “is it school? Homework?” she thought for a minute. “No. that can’t be the reason. If you worried about the academics, you would’ve eaten your dinner in 2 seconds so you can work on the problem. It has to be a person!”

“Well…”

Mrs. Nikkura snapped her fingers. “AHA! You have a girlfriend, don’tyou?”

“Oka-san!”

“That has to be it!”

“NO! I don’t’ have a girlfriend. I’m just…”

“What?”

Kaoru frowned. “I’m just upset because I upset someone.”

“Who did you upset?”

“My roommate.”

“Well, you’d better apologize or compromise because you live with this person.”

“Oka-san… it’s not that easy. We’ve become really close, but he asked me a question. I answered and it made him upset. He insisted he’s OK, but I can tell he’s very hurt. And I felt terrible because I hurt him.”

His mother nodded slowly. “Do you want to stay roommates? There is an option of switching----.”

“NO!” Kaoru exclaimed, then his voice toned down. “I… I don’t think I can live with anyone else…”

Mrs. Nikkura sighed. ”Kaoru, you’re just like your father sometimes.”

Kaoru blinked. He never really knew his father. His father passed away when he was a baby.

She shook her head. “you feel terrible not because you hurt him. You feel terrible because you want to take back what you said, but you can’t because you already said it.”

Kaoru blinked. “But I meant what I said.”

“You meant what you said, but that doesn’t mean it’s the truth.”

“I know I told the truth.” Kaoru insisted.

“Be sure your response is coming from your heart.” Mrs. Nikkura got up and piled the dishes. “you can’t always rely on logic.”

******

Kaoru walked forward across the local cemetery with a large bunch of freshly picked flowers at hand. He had his guitar slung over one shoulder. He readjusted the strap because it became uncomfortable, then walked again. He always paid his visit every year, and he always played a new song he himself composed. He knew hide-sensei would be happy to hear he never gaveup guitar.

Kaoru was close to hide’s grave when he stopped in his tracks. He saw a heavily familiar figure stooping down and placing something on hide’s grave.

A boquet of roses.

“P-professor?”

Ysohiki turned and blinked, surprised to see someone from Diety Hall. “Well, it’s quite a surprise to see you here.”

“Same here.” Kaoru said. “You… you knew hide-sensei?”

Yoshiki nodded, then noticed the guitar case slung over the student’s shoulder. “You were hide’s student?”

“Hai.”

“…………” Yoshiki was speechless. “So… I see…”

“What were you to hide-sensei?”

Yoshiki turned away with guilt. “He was… a friend to me..”

Kaoru looked at him suspiciously. “Then how did you know this guitar was hide’s? only the people close to him knew that his will said I could have his guitar.”

“Kaoru. It’s a very complicated situation. Let’s just say we were very close.”

“You mean, you and hide-sensei were lovers.”

“………..…..”

Kaoru sighed. He placed the flowers right next to the roses and stood up. He prayed silently then remained quiet.

Yoshiki was surprised. “You’re… you’re not angry…”

Kaoru stared at him. “There’s no reason to be angry.”

“but it’s my fault---“

“What happened was nobody’s fault. If hide-sensei were still alive, he would let the matter rest and move on. I’d like to follow his example. He’d want nothing more than our love and happiness.”

Yoshiki looked at Kaoru, then at hide’s picture on the grave. He took a deep breath.

“May he rest in peace…….”

*****

Kaoru went shopping with a former high school friend of his after the surprising meeting with Yoshiki. He and Kisaki decided to walk around the small downtown shops. ‘Downtown’ seemed an overstatement though. Because the stores were more like small-town village shops; most of them were arts and crafts stores.

“Kaoru, you’ve grown quite a bit since you left.” Kisaki observed.

Kaoru frowned. “I havent’ grown at all. I’m still the scrawny skeleton boy all the football players picked on.”

Kisaki laughed. “I didn’t mean that. I meant that I can see the dark circles growing on your eyes. Don’t tell me you have med-school syndrome.”

“Kisaki, you’re still the same. How’s life?”

“Great. I’ll be graduating this coming year.”

Kaoru gaped. “Wow. All those AP Credit does help!”

“Yep.”

Kisaki went to a local community college. He is a very intelligent guy, scored perfect on the Physics and History AP Exams. Unfortunately, he had to stay there because his father grew ill.

“How’s your love life?” Kisaki suddenly asked.

Kaoru gawked.

Kisaki shrugged. “Your mother told me.”

Kaoru pouted. “I-AM-SINGLE.”

“Sure.”

“I AM!! I’m too busy for such trifle matter.”

“I wasn’t talking about trifle matters, I was just asking about the love life.”

“Look. My roommate IS trifle. Trifel is an understatement, actually. But you don’t’ understand how complicated this is.”

Kisaki was silent.

Kaoru stared at him. “What?”

Suddenly, Kisaki gave a wide beam. “Aha! So you have a thing for you roommate!”

Kaoru frowned. “Kisaki…”

“Oh, don’t worry. You can tell me everything.”

Kaoru sighed. “Let’s just say that something was said and I hurt him and I would like to attone for the pain I caused him.”

“He asked you if you liked him back, didn’t he?”

“Kisaki…”

“Maa. That is complicated ne. I suggest you clear things out.”

“You know I suck at words.”

“No, you don’t. you’ve got a way with logic that you infuse with words. I’ve know you quite a while, Nikkura-san”

It’s true. He and Kisaki have been friends quite a while. They stuck together like glue all through high school. At one point, Kaoru had an immense crush on him, but quickly tampered his feelings down. He was leaving for college, and besides, Kisaki was straight. Kaoru’s grateful to have Kisaki as a good friend though. Even after Kisaki found out about Kaoru’s crush, their terms of friendship remained unchanged.

Kaoru sighed. “I know… but it’s different this time. I can’t seem to think of what to say; and when I do, the words are caught in my throat. It’s… it’s so difficult to talk when I know I’m hurting him….”

Kisaki simply nodded. Normally, he would tease his friend, but he could see how disturbed Kaoru was about the matter. “I have a suggestion, if you’d like to consider.”

Kaoru blinked.

“Write him a note.” Kisaki said. “Or give him a card or a present. Something that will give an excuse for you to talk to him. It also eases the tension when an object is involved.”

Kaoru nodded. “You know… that’s an excellent idea.”

*****

After Mrs. Nikkura drove Kaoru to the train station and kissed him goodbye, Kaoru walked up the steps to find his gate. His mother had work and Kisaki had to tend to his father. The visit was quick, but as heartless as it seems, Kaoru wanted nothing more than to go back to Diety Hall. He missed the dorm, the people… especially….

He passed by a small newspaper stand and a small gift shop. He walked up to the window to stare at it. The store was similar to the gift shop on High Street, the same one Toshiya loved to go to. Toshiya…

Suddenly, he saw it.

Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

He ran inside the store and practically scared the shit out of the clerk. “How much is that thing outside?” Kaoru demanded.

“Er.. ano.. what thing?”

Kaoru pointed at it.

“OH. That’s a genuine original and hand crafted. That’ll be $70.”

Kaoru gawked. “$70!!!!!”

The clerk grinned. “Take it or leave it.”

Kaoru pursed his lip. All clerks are the same. “I’ll take it.”

The clerk’s grin broadened and Kaoru suddenly felt gypped off his money, but he didn’t’ care.

He grabbed the box and skipped out the store. He really couldn’t wait for Toshiya to see it. He couldn’t’ wait to see his eyes sparkle in enthusiasm and happiness.

Strange.

He was really excited about going back to the dorm, but he was even more excited about seeing Toshiya smile again.

*****

CONTD @ ~ Episode 41: Back to Diety Hall