Gary's World Cup Countdown

Gary's World Cup Countdown

Weds 27 May: Heard on the radio that some of the England players have revealed their favourite records. Gary Neville (The Masterplan by Oasis) and Paul Ince (Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye) sidestep outright ridicule, but Darren Anderton (Phil Collins' In the Air Tonight) and Nigel Martyn (Sad Cafe's Every Day Hurts) run straight into trouble. What were they thinking of? David Batty opts for Requiem by Sarah Brightman, not a song with which I am familiar, so perhaps I should give him the benefit of the doubt.
As if I would.

Saw the first-half of Morocco v England in the Royal George near Tottenham Court Road tube. Not a recommended venue, chosen only because of its proximity to transport, allowing me to reach Holland Park (where I play) by 7.00.Full of local office detritus, tourists and yobs.

You're not interested in my match report or opinions about this (by now) long-forgotten friendly. But it was grim. Ian Wright injured again and, I'd guess, will miss out on the Finals. Michael Owen a genuine reason for optimism among so much mediocrity. Perhaps it is a cunning plan to lull the rest of the world into a false sense of security by thinking we're unimaginative, injury-prone cloggers.

ian wright

Thurs 28 May: Added to my small collection of World Cup 'product' with an official France 98 toothbrush. I am saving coupons from the Daily Mirror so I can send off for a fridge magnet featuring one of the 34 players who helped England qualify for the Finals. They are sent at random. I will probably get Ian Walker.

God-help-us story of the day: It is reported that Tony Adams' room-mate in France might be his personal counsellor, Steve Jacobs.

World Cup name of the day: Roar Strand, Norway.

Fri 29 May: Carling are sponsoring 'Vive le football', a campaign linking 1700 pubs in Britain which will show the games on big screens and/or TVs. They promise 'superb food and music'. They can be certain of my attendance although I shall not be drinking their unappealing, gassy lager.

England 0 Belgium 0. Saw this quite staggeringly dull game in the Grafton Arms (Prince of Wales Road, Kentish Town), a 'Vive le football' pub. 'We' lose on penalties. What Glenn Hoddle can possibly learn from this I don't know. But then he is England manager. And I am not.

His paranoid streak is demonstrated in his tactics of not informing the 11 players on the bench which seven he had officially nominated as substitutes. I expect he shall be the last national manager to name his squad. Feel pessimistic about England's chances of even reaching the Second Round.

Vive le football

Sat 30 May: I experience a kind of World Cup nausea, no doubt a physical and spiritual hangover from last night. A part of me wishes the competition would hurry up and start and then be over with, so I can tackle more pressing matters. Like, fiding a new flat or house, and a new job ... But you don't want to know about that. We all expect so much from this overhyped jamboree, and can only be guaranteed disappointment. (I promise no more half-witted football-as-a-metaphor-for-life nonsense.)

We are in a nervous, transitional period, though, and true World Cup Fever cannot be expected to take hold until the competition starts and Scotland pull off one of the all-time giantkilling acts and beat Brazil. One-nil. The opening game will be the best time Scotland can play Brazil and I do believe they can get a result. And they are perfectly welcome to it as long as England remain one step ahead of them.

Purchased kitchen towels featuring football shirts, unsure whether this is 'official' product. Avoided purchasing Sainsbury's World Cup coins.They are for children and I am too mature to collect such tawdry trinkets.

Maybe if England reach the Final...

World Cup name of the day: Francisco Arce, Paraguay.

Sun 31 May: Entered two competitions from yesterday's Guardian and Times. In the Guardian's Ticket Tout' competition, you are asked to choose 'tickets' for eight teams, all of which have a corresponding price (ie. Brazil is £2000, Tunisia is £600), up to a maximum of £10,000. You get points for all goals scored in games your team is involved in (except penalty shoot-outs). You can pick the same team twice but that seems against the spirit of the thing in my opinion. It's a rather odd concept which probably won't provide an outright winner, so you are asked to predict the time of the fastest World Cup goal. I went for 03:15. My teams were Argentina, Brazil, Cameroon, Holland, Jamaica, South Africa, Tunisia and Yugoslavia.

The Times' World Cup Fantasy League' is more fun and has bigger prizes - £25,000 for the overall winner. Choose a team of 11, no more than one from one country, and they score points for goals scored, assists, clean sheets and so on, in the usual fantasy league style. Players aren't assigned monetary values so no need to worry about splashing out £20m on Ronaldo and stocking your midfield with bargain-basement Iranians. My team: Kopke (Germany), Maldini (Italy), Adams (England), Petrescu (Romania), Roberto Carlos (Brazil), Balakov (Bulgaria), Djorkaeff (France), Boban (Croatia), Guerrero (Spain), Batistuta (Argentina), Bergkamp (Holland). Free sheet of Panini stickers in the Sunday Times. Very poor quality.

Gazza left out of the squad. He may be lacking fitness but his inclusion wouldn't be that much of a gamble. He may not have the 'touch of genius' anymore, but we need the potential for some midfield creativity. Don't see the need for three goalkeepers when teams are allowed one on standby. Anderton and Les Ferdinand in. Pessimism levels reach all-time low, or high. May transfer allegiance to Chile.

goodbye gazza

going home

Mon 1 June: This is the squad, then: Tim Flowers (Blackburn Rovers), Nigel Martyn (Leeds United), David Seaman (Arsenal), Gareth Southgate (Aston Villa), Rio Ferdinand (West Ham United), Gary Neville (Manchester United), Graeme Le Saux (Chelsea), Sol Campbell (Tottenham Hotspur), Tony Adams (Arsenal), Martin Keown (Arsenal), Rob Lee (Newcastle United), Darren Anderton (Tottenham Hotspur), David Batty (Newcastle United), Steve McManaman (Liverpool), Paul Ince (Liverpool), Paul Scholes (Manchester United), David Beckham (Manchester United), Paul Merson (Middlesbrough), Alan Shearer (Newcastle United), Teddy Sheringham (Manchester United), Michael Owen (Liverpool), Les Ferdinand (Tottenham Hotspur).

Holland 5 Paraguay 1. Two goals from Marc Overmars. Dennis Bergkamp still not fit to start. Looking forward to seeing Paraguay's punch-up goalie Jose Luis Chilavert. He's scored four international goals, too.

Trying to maintain a truly feverish interest in World Cup though seasonal sluggishness has set in. Revived somewhat by hearing Skinner and Baddiel interviewed and their new 'Three Lions 98' on the radio. Ludicrous lyrics pitched somewhere between touching faith and gormless fanspeak, jingoism barely kept at bay. What am I talking about, just print the words.

"Talk about football coming home
And then one night in Rome
We were strong
We had grown
And now I see
Ince ready for war
Gazza good as before
Shearer certain to score
And Psycho screaming...

Three Lions on a shirt
Jules Rimet still gleaming
No more years of hurt
No more need for dreaming

We can dance Nobby's dance
We could dance it in France"

Tues 2 June: Received a bizarre letter from a Professor Stan Nettle:

"mr hoddle is a very honest and brave man,
he has been attending our church for many years now and I trust everything that he sais,
if he sais mr. gascoine cannot go to france then we should stand by his decision,
besides I have taken a shine to Mr. macmannamanamn who can run at my defences any day,
now none of that baker or evans talk any more,
listen to radio 3
stan"

I fear we shall be hearing more from this individual and his curious spelling.

Weds 3 June: Claimed free packet of Panini 'stickers' with teabags in Somerfield supermarket (of course I went there specially). I got Lacatus (Romania), Jones/Harkes (USA), Okocha (Nigeria), Tchoutang (Cameroon) and Ravanelli (Italy). Failed to find a World Cup soccer shield in my packet of Cheesy Wotsits, though.

The Virgin Megastore on Oxford Street had a World Cup evening, with competitions and giveaways. Saw Bruce Grobbelaar trying to save penalties against small boys. The 'MC' was a loudmouthed fool and I left quickly, to the sounds of Chumbawamba's Top of the World, which is a serious contender for the worst record of the year. I really really hate them. A lot. Which is strange because I *am* a political prisoner. And a single mum. And an ex-miner.

The papers say Hoddle is 'Wrong wrong wrong' on behalf of Kevin Keegan, Bryan Robson (or maybe Bobby Robson, I didn't actually read the papers) and Jack Charlton. It's all history, now.

World Cup telly: Most of the songs featured on that idiot joy Channel 5 pop show that no one watches. Three Lions 98 with the proper commentary by Jonathan Pearce that Radio One substituted for some thoer bloke the other day (what with JP being a Capital Gold man). The splendid Vindaloo by Fat Les - aka Keith Allen and a bloke dressed up as Geri Spice - and the dreary effort that is England United's official song.

Des O'Connor's World Cup special with various types including Pavarotti, Tony Blair, 'Sir' Elton John and All Saints nattering about football. Finished with an appalling song by Kes and the Kids, I'm Just a Fan. I do hope that isn't going to be released. Just saw Alex Ferguson doing a 'what does it mean to me?' ITV promo slot plugging the forthcoming events.

World Cup ads: Mastercard with I Believe by EMF. The Brazilians playing 'samba soccer' through the airport. Alan Shearer going for a McDonalds and the kid who serves him getting his autograph by an amusing ruse. I am now going to stop writing this and have a ... Budweiser. That's an official Budweiser, of course.

Thurs 4 June: Complete lack of World Cup Fever as problems at work (like, why am I still here, and how long will it take to find a new job?) are foremost on my mind. Sorry about that, but life isn't all jumpers for goalposts and Jules Rimet still gleaming you know.

Fri 5 June: Revelations of Teddy Sheringham's boozy night out. What a plonker. I imagine Tony Adams ringing him up and shouting 'I want to win the World Cup - what the hell are you playing at?' Some suggestions that he'll be dropped from the squad but that won't happen.

The sad spectacle of 40,000 inflatable Gazza dolls free with the current issue of Shoot. Merchandisers gnashing their teeth at his exclusion. And it is said that Three Lions 98 has been re-recorded with the line 'Gazza good as before' replaced by something else. Surely not. No wonder he's left the country. 'Psycho screaming' is also inappropriate because that happened in Euro 96 and he didn't play in Rome but 'screaming' rhymes with 'gleaming' so I suppose it's got to stay.

More World Cup records: the irritating Great Escape by the self-appointed England Supporters Band. What was once an amusing terrace/stadium sing-song humalong moment becomes annoyingly jingoistic (I've used that word before, I know) and raises the spectre of that 'Achtung' Mirror headline before the semi-final in Euro 96. The World Cup Crescendo borrows from the Bonzos Intro and Outro which had Adolf Hitler on vibes. This one has Martin Keown on drums and Alistair Macgowan's annoying impressions of Alan Hansen etc. Also, there's a song about sausages that sounds like it's by John Shuttleworth. I won't be upset if I never hear it again. So far then: it's Fat Les's Vindaloo followed by Three Lions 98 even if Gazza has been excluded from that as well.

I haven't mentioned the Scotland song yet, have I? Del Amitri's downbeat 'Don't Come Home Too Soon'. Hardly inspiring. If all goes wrong, Scotland could in fact be the first team to be eliminated on Tuesday the 23rd. Let's hope not, though, eh?
Caught Skinner and Baddiel singing Three Lions on TFI Friday. The Gazza line still in there. Maybe I misunderstood.

Sat 6 June: Teddy Sheringham's public apology. Sound as if you mean it man. And don't sound so sorry for yourself, making out that the media is to blame for reporting it.

Woken up at 4 am by drunken louts singing Vindaloo as they walk down the street. Not amused.

Fridge magnet arrived, pleased to see it's Paul Ince and not one of the bit-parters, or Teddy.

More TV ads: When I grow up I want to be a professional footballer with mini-Beckham. And the real one who was recently pictured wearing a sarong (or a skirt in the eyes of the Sun) while on holiday with Posh Spice. Anyway, this one advertises adidas to the tune of the Happy Mondays.

World Cup stars playing on the beach, promoting ITV's coverage. Roberto Carlos, Vieri, Zidane ... and Ibrahim Ba who didn't make the French squad.

The Carling ad with tribesmen, Buddhist monks and other races discussing the England squad. Ince as the lion who pounces on the zebra. Shearer and Sheringham. Why? They seem to read each other's minds. Fortuitously, no mention of Gazza.

Sun 7 June: Plough through more World Cup specials, pullouts, 'the only guide you'll need', wallcharts, retrospectives etc...

Mon 8 June: Preserving my energy, worried that I am becoming too feverish too early.
What is she gonna look like with a chimney on her?
What are the Dutch on with their anthem (which, it seems, they don't actually sing. Are they allowed to hum?)
'William of Nassau am I, of Germanic descent/ true to the fatherland I remain until death/ Prince of Orange am I, free and fearless/ To the King of Spain I have always given honour.'

Last minute odds:

11-4 Brazil
6-1 France
7-1 Italy
8-1 England, Germany
9-1 Argentina
10-1 Holland
12-1 Spain
25-1 Nigeria, Norway, Yugoslavia
40-1 Croatia
50-1 Romania

66-1 Colombia, Denmark
80-1 Bulgaria
100-1 Belgium, Chile, Paraguay
150-1 Austria, Cameroon, Mexico, Scotland, South Africa, USA
250-1 Japan
300-1 Morocco
400-1 Jamaica, Saudi Arabia, South Korea, Tunisia
500-1 Iran

Tues 9 June: World Cup previews on TV, Des looking relaxed with his BBC crew of Alan Hansen, Gary Lineker and David Ginola. Des ends his show by imploring everybody to tune in tomorrow. He knows it's a working day, but he's sure we can all invent a sick granny (!). Bizarre scenes of street parades in Paris, giant figures representing the peoples of the world, people with footballs for heads, robot animals? Followed by Fantasy Football with Baddiel and Skinner. Terry Butcher's bleeding head against Sweden on World Cup Phoenix From the Flames. Jeff Astle singing On Top of the World in a skimpy bathing costume. Another commercial with Alan Shearer, this time he's on a train in a pastiche of Eric Cantona's Eurostar ad, except Alan's flogging Big Macs. And that's about as much as I can take. The Countdown is complete... the real action begins tomorrow afternoon.

trippy