Ingela
Disclaimer: Paramount pictures owns all the people in this story except for Sharon Jurass, she and at least some of the storyline is my own creation. No copyright infringement is intended. I wish to take the time here to send my thanks to NODA who's story "Proper Order" gave me the idea for this story. Thank you so much both for the story you wrote and for giving me the chance to write mine. You may copy this story in any way you like, but you must keep this disclaimer and my name attached at all times. Off course no one is to make any profits from this story, not even me (unless Simon and Shuster finds this story irresistible:) ). This is a prequel to the story NODA wrote.
*A TIME TO HEAL.*
The young girl outside my office that morning was yet another survivor from a Cardassian prison. They weren't many and the ones that managed to escape or were exchanged for Cardassian POW were always in a terrible state. They had been tortured repeatedly and in many instances they were beyond rescue and would never serve again.
I watched the young girl from a distance for a while, she kept her eyes lowered all the time paying no attention to the people who were passing her by. She was the first female prisoner I had ever treated, one of the few Starfleet women captured by Cardassia to ever be returned. Actually returned wasn't the right word, she had been rescued out of the prison by the Rangers. They were a group of specially trained Starfleet cadets, trained only for secret missions of search and rescue. I am certain that a few more weeks in that prison would have killed her, she would have died like so many others, died or lost her mind.
She had been on the Icarus-mission led by Admiral Paris, who had been arrested with her by Cardassian forces. The files I had read about her when I took her case told about how they had both been tortured and of how she had been sexually abused over a long period of time. Exactly what had happened to her when she was kept as a slave by one of the prison officers was not yet known, that was why she had been sent to me, so we could try and work it out together. I walked up to her side.
" Ms. Janeway?"
She lifted her head and looked at me for a brief moment and then she looked away again. The short moment our eyes met were long enough for me though and I realized she was very different from other victims that had passed my threshold. Her eyes were blank and devoid of emotion and I realized that what ever had passed between her and her captor was now buried deep within her and we had a lot of work to do.
I asked her into my office and she followed me, but stopped inside the doors. I motioned for her to sit down and she sat on the edge of the couch, ready to run if necessary or at least that's what it looked like.
" I am Sharon Jurass, your counselor. You and I will be spending a lot of time together. Are you nervous?"
She silently shook her head, but again her eyes betrayed her, they scanned the room and I'm sure she memorized every part of it and most of all where the exits were.
I sat down in front of her and somehow I felt a need to reassure her that she was safe here, so I said quietly:
" Ms. Janeway, you know here there are no locked doors, nothing to keep you from leaving whenever you want to. You make the rules in here."
She glanced at me quickly and there was a quick flash of something I couldn't identify in those deep blue eyes of hers. Then she regained that blank look and she nodded to me, she still hadn't spoken. Her eyes went back to scanning the room again and I realized that for some reason, yet unrevealed, she needed to do this. So I waited silently and after a while her eyes returned to her hands and her shoulders relaxed slightly, but she still didn't say anything. I waited and so did she and from what I had read about her time in prison, she would win and so I decided it was time to find a way to talk to her.
" When did you get back to earth? My question seemed to rock her a little and she mumbled:
" I...we came back five days ago."
" Were you allowed to go home? Or have you been here at headquarters since you came back?"
" We've been here, no one has been aloud to see us or talk to us. We have been debriefed at least a dozen times by different people. We will be released this weekend and allowed to go home."
I was surprised to hear her speak, her voice was cold and detached and seemed to belong to someone else, I leaned back and asked casually:
" Are you going home, Ensign?"
When I used her rank she flinched and I heard her inhale sharply. Her hands shook, I leaned forward again and asked softly:
" What?"
She managed to get her shaking hands under control and her voice was still without emotion when she said:
" I am not on duty, please call me Kathryn. I will not return home. I live here, close to HQ and I will remain here until I can return to duty again."
I decided to change the subject. " Have you talked to anyone else from your mission? The Admiral? Or any of the men who rescued you?"
She silently shook her head no and I saw that her hands were shaking again and this time she didn't try to stop it. It was quiet for a while before I asked her:
" Tell me what's on your mind right now?"
She didn't answer at first, then she said quietly: " How can I go home? They know what I did."
" What did you do, Kathryn?"
I saw the change in her, even though it was small, her shoulders became more rigid and her fists clenched and unclenched in her lap.
" I was his whore!" She spat it out and it was the first hint of emotion I had heard in her voice since she had arrived almost an hour earlier.
" Why?"
She looked quickly at me and when she spoke her voice had that cold and emotionless tone again. " Because he wanted me to", she said," because he said so."
" Was that the only reason?"
" No."
That was all she said, just one word "no" and it held all the pain she felt, but she didn't say anymore. After a moment of silence she stood and walked out of my office, I didn't try to hold her back. I had after all said that she made the rules and that she was free to leave whenever she wanted. At that moment I doubted she would come back, but for her sake I hoped she would.
Two days later was her next scheduled session with me and I was surprised, but glad, to see that she sat outside my office. She got up when she saw me.
" Hello Kathryn", I said," welcome back.. I am glad to see you. Come in."
I opened the door, she hesitated.
" The same rules as last time. No locked doors and you can leave whenever you want to. Deal?"
She shot me that glance again and then she stepped in and sat down on the couch like last time, legs crossed and hands folded in her lap. I closed the door and took my seat opposite her and said with a smile:
" You start today."
She was quiet for a while and then she said: " My mother called me yesterday. She wants me to come home tomorrow."
" Do you want to go home?"
" No, I don't think so. I don't know. My mother said they all want me home and she said that they had been worried sick about me all these months. She told me they love me. I...I ended the transmission while she was still talking to me, without saying good-bye." Her voice sounded very tired when she added: " There are so many questions and I just want to forget everything."
" Do you think you can just forget it?"
She shook her head slowly and whispered: " No, but I wish I could."
" What is it you want to forget, Kathryn?"
She glanced at me, but as usual she averted her eyes immediately and looked at her hands again. " The screams. The.. the pleading and the begging for mercy."
She fell silent and I waited a while before asking her: " Your own screams, or someone else's?"
Her hands began to shake violently and she didn't answer me, instead a low moan came over her lips and her eyes was closed, I realized she was having some kind of flashback.
" Tell me what you see, Kathryn.".
" Kanarr... blood...", she is trembling now, it's definitely a memory, " alone, I'm alone. Screams for mercy and cries for help, please... please make it stop!!" She covers her ears and curls up in a ball in the corner of the couch. Then suddenly she opens her eyes and she stare at me for a second, but it's long enough for me to see that she is both embarrassed and confused.
" It's all right, Kathryn. Do you know where you are?"
She looks frustrated and her eyes darts around the room and she whispers: " Headquarters?" There is clearly a question in her voice and I realize that she's still not sure of where she is.
" Yes", I say quickly," you're at headquarters. Do you remember me?"
" Sharon?" Still the question in her voice.
" Yes, that's right."
She is still curled up like a ball and she leans forward to put her head on her knees and I stay quiet for a moment to give her a chance to collect herself a little. She is the one to finally break the silence and her voice is back to the way it was before.
" I'm sorry."
I move for the first time since her flashback began, I lean forward and try to keep my voice as calm and neutral as I can.
" Don't apologize. You remembered something and it was a very intense flashback, Kathryn. How do you feel now?"
" I...a little shaky." She still keeps her eyes focused on her hands," what .. what did I do?"
" Don't you remember?"
She moves a little, she stays in the corner, but instead of being curled up she pulls her feet up under her and wraps her arms around her as if it's cold and then she lifts her eyes and for the first time since we met she looks at me for more than a second. It's a pensive look and after a while she silently shakes her head no.
" You spoke of Kanarr and of blood, of screams and pleadings of mercy and of how you wanted it to stop." I can see that what I am telling her is painful for her to hear, but I ask her anyway: " Who drank Kanarr?"
She breaks the eye contact again and she drops her hands into her lap, her gaze returns to them. She is silent for so long that I'm beginning to think she is not going to answer me.
" Gul Edan." She suddenly lifts her head and spits out the name. I realize that it must be the name of her captor and a brief flash of hate in her eyes confirms that.
" Did he give it to you?"
" Yes", she looks at me and again instantly averts her eyes, before continuing," It..it was my rescue sometimes. I drank Kanarr, not because I liked it, but because it intoxicated me and I...I didn't.." Her voice trails off and a quiet sob escapes before she regains her tightly held control. I wait for her to go on, but she is quiet and after a while I carefully urges her on.
" Why was it important for you to become intoxicated?"
" I..I didn't have to..think."
" Think about what?"
" Punishment." She almost chokes on the word.
" Why would you be punished?"
" I wasn't!!" All of a sudden she looses it and she cries the words out and then she rushes head over heels out the door. Just like the last time I let her go, she is still in the lead and I have to let her set the terms a little longer. The question is, will she come back?
***
Monday morning I have a message at my console, it's from someone named Gretchen Janeway and I remember from Kathryn's files that it's her mother. I look at the message and I instantly see the resemblance between them, but Mrs. Janeway looks tired and sad.
" Hello Doctor! My name is Gretchen Janeway, you are currently treating my daughter, Kathryn. I know you are not allowed to discuss a patient, even with her mother and I respect that, but I need your help. Her entire family is worried sick about her. You see I spoke with her before the weekend and she said she would come home. She had ended the transmission before and I was glad to see that she seemed better and I was happy that she wanted to come home.
"We waited for her this weekend, doctor, but she never showed up. We called her several times and I even got a hold of her landlord and he said there was no answer when he knocked at her door. He thought she was away somewhere. I wish you could help us, doctor Jurass. Could you help us find her? Her father is away at a meeting at the Mars colony and I can't get a hold of him, he would know what to do, but he is unavailable. Could you try and locate her for us and just make sure she is all right, please doctor. I know Starfleet has told us not to come and see her until she is ready. I will respect that, but if you think we are needed me and her sister will be there. Please call us when you know something."
The message was nothing more than a heartfelt cry for help from a desperate and upset mother wanting to help her daughter. Somehow the message made me a little uneasy. I hadn't heard anything that would indicate that something was wrong with Kathryn Janeway, on the other hand she didn't live within the campus area of Starfleet Academy and she didn't live in any of the flats belonging to HQ. She had told me so herself the first time we met. So if something was wrong, who would know?
I knew I couldn't wait until she was supposed to come and see me, to see if she was all right. I decided to try and find her. I contacted the people involved in her debriefing and her former counselors at the Academy, but they knew nothing. They'd thought she'd been home, that's what she had told them.
When I heard that, my concern only increased, she had been lying not only to her mother, but to Starfleet personnel as well. I tried to contact her twice, no answer and finally I decided to go against all medical ethics and I went to her flat. When I came to her house I met her landlord outside.
" Can I help you?" He said and looked curiously at me.
" Yes, you have a tenant by the name of Kathryn Janeway."
" Ah yes, a lovely young girl, but I don't think she is home. I spoke to her mother the other day and went upstairs to check on her and there was no answer when I knocked. She must be away."
" Do you have her door code?"
" Yes", he said, " but I can't let you in, not without her permission."
" I understand that. I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself." I reach out my hand to him and he takes it,
"My name is Sharon Jurass. I work at Starfleet headquarters and there is a chance that Ms. Janeway might be hurt or sick, I was sent here to check on her. Could you just tell me where her apartment is and then later, if there is a need, you may have to help me get in to her."
He looked a bit confused, but he pointed out her apartment to me.
When I stood outside her door I felt nervous, was I doing the right thing? I pressed the chime and waited, no answer. I pressed it again and called to her through the door.
" Kathryn, it's me, Sharon. Please open the door. I only want to help you."
There was a long silence and then there was a click in the door, I reached out and opened it and stepped into a dark hall.
" Kathryn?" There was no answer," Computer increase..."
" No", her voice was quiet but adamant, " don't turn the lights on."
" As you wish."
I moved towards the sound of her voice. My eyes grew accustomed to the dark and I saw her, she was sitting in the corner of the room. Just like in my office a few days earlier she was curled up like a ball, arms wrapped around her knees. I slowly walked over to her and kneeled beside her.
" Kathryn, talk to me. Tell me how I can help you."
At first there's no answer, then slowly, slowly she reach out her hand to me, I take it, still waiting for her to say something. She let me hold her hand for a while before she withdraws it.
" I just want it to stop."
" What, Kathryn. You want what to stop?"
" The screams... I didn't want them... to.. get hurt."
Her voice is barely a whisper and her breathing is ragged and broken, I can see it is hard for her to talk.
" At first I was... tortured... like the others. They beat me and asked me questions I couldn't answer. Then... then I was brought to meet.... him. He told me I was to obey him... please him... or the others would pay. They would take my punishment for me." Her voice trails off, she is shivering.
" Are you cold? Can I get you a blanket?"
" Yes." It's a quiet whisper, nothing more.
I get up and I find a blanket in her bedroom and I carefully drape it around her shoulders. She is shaking uncontrollably now and I suddenly notices the unnatural pallor of her skin and the beads of perspiration on her forehead and I know she's experiencing some kind of delayed shock reaction. I walk over to her console and call for medical assistance and then I return to her side. I put my arms around her and try to calm her down, but I realize it's futile, she doesn't even know I'm there anymore.
She passed out before they arrived.
***
When we arrived to headquarters I made sure she was taken care of and then I called her mother. I told her that I had found Kathryn and that she was weak but alive, I saw no reason to lie to her. I said she was having a delayed reaction to what had happened to her and that I would call her when I knew more. She wanted to come and see her, but I persuaded her not to. I told her as honestly as I could that in the state Kathryn was in now any added stress could destroy any chance she had of recovery.
I didn't tell her that I feared it was already to late and that her daughter would become yet another victim of Cardassian torture, one of the many Starfleet personnel never to serve again.
She stayed at the medical facility at HQ where she was treated for shock and for dehydration, the whole weekend without food or water, had taken it's toll on her already weakened body. She slowly returned to life and when she had been there for two days they called me and said she had asked for me.
She is standing by the window when I knock at her already open door and she whirls to face me.
" It's just me." I wait for her to ask me into her room.
" Come in."
I look at her, surprised, her voice is completely different. It has a warmth and a life to it that wasn't there before. I walk into the room and she closes the door behind me.
" Please, sit down." She points to a chair beside her bed and I take it, she sits on the edge of the bed.
She looks out the window and then she says: " Thank you. You saved my life", she lifts her head briefly and a quick smile cross her lips when she adds, " and my sanity, I think."
" Your welcome", I return her smile, " How are you feeling now?"
She shrugs and then she turns to me and her voice is calm when she says: " I think I'm strong enough now, to tell you what happened with... in that prison."
" I'm listening."
I keep my eyes at her and she turns back toward the window again. Her voice is low, but steady, she talks without interruption for a while and recants the events leading up to her and the Admiral being arrested.
When she talks about the beatings and the physical abuse her voice is a mixture of anger and grief and for the first time her eyes leaves the window and she focuses once more on her hands, tightly folded in her lap. Then all of a sudden her voice starts to shake and she speaks in short, cut-off sentences.
I can hear it's difficult for her and finally she stops unable to say anymore because of the tears. She get up from the bed and stare blindly through the windows while she let's the tears fall freely. Her crying subsides and she stands quiet for a while and then she motions for me to join her and I comply. We stand beside each other for a while and she tries to find the words and then she says, in a voice barely audible:
" Can you teach me how to trust again?"
" I can help you teach yourself, Kathryn." I say softly.
She looks at me with that same look again, the one I couldn't identify in my office the first time I saw it, but now it's clear to me what it is, it's determination. A solid and indestructible belief in herself and at that moment I knew that Kathryn Janeway would be a survivor.
The two of us struggled together for months, trying to build up, what the Cardassians had destroyed and then she felt strong enough to continue on her own. She kept in touch though and she was here only a few days before she took command of Voyager and left for her mission in the Badlands. I felt a great sense of loss, when I heard of Voyagers disappearance and then the fact that they were declared lost, but something in me kept a vigilant hope up, that somehow she was all right. I knew I was right, when I came to my office this morning I had a short message at my console. It simply read:
" You were right all along, Sharon. Voyager is in the Delta quadrant, on her way home. Kathryn is alive and well and determined to get back home. Thank you for never giving up on her, or on us. Call you later."
Love,
Gretchen and Phoebe Janeway.
THE END