Tracy
REAFFIRMATION
By Tracy Thurman
Author's note: This was written right after "Coda" aired, and was my very first attempt at fanfic. Two things: One, this was written as if J/C were involved before the events of "Coda" occurred, and Two, it was written as if Chakotay could recall all that happened on the planet. Since the episode itself was rather fuzzy on that point, I took it that he did recall trying to revive Kathryn. Any and all feedback is welcome, but again, please be gentle, I am the wimp of all wimps.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns these characters, as do the wonderful actors who bring them to life. Paramount also owns all of "Voyager", "Star Fleet" , "Star Trek" et al. No copyright infringement intended. No profit was or ever will be made on the following.
_____________________________________________________________
There were few moments in life, Chakotay reflected, when one could say they were perfectly happy. Complete. At this moment, he was. Here, in her quarters, holding a sleeping Kathryn in his arms.
Kathryn.
He'd nearly lost her the day before on that dammed planet when the entity had invaded her mind.
He stroked her long, unbound hair and silently thanked the gods for the warmth of her body against his, the soft sound of her peaceful breathing, and the steady pulse that beat beneath the spot where his fingers rested against her throat.
Earlier, they'd shared a wonderful moonlight cruise on a holodeck sailboat, sharing a bottle of champagne. Real champagne, not the replicated stuff or synthahol. They'd carefully avoided discussing the events of the day before, keeping any conversation light. Actually, he realized, they hadn't said much at all, quietly enjoying the scene around them, relaxing in each other's arms.
Afterward, he'd walked her back to her quarters, allowing the door to swish shut behind them before taking her in his arms. He reached up to release her hair from its confines, threading his fingers through it as it fell. He'd then covered her mouth with his, tasting the faint flavor of the wine that still clung to her lips. After a moment, he pulled back to study her face. Noticing the faint bluish smudges that remained beneath her eyes, he'd asked, "Kathryn, are you sure? The doctor said...." She'd pressed her fingers to his lips, silencing him. Then, tilting his head down to hers, gently resting forehead to forehead, nose to nose, she simply said, "I'm fine. Stay with me", and took his hand to lead him toward her bed.
Despite her reassurance, he'd fully intended to take things slow, be gentle with her, but once he had her in his arms, once he touched her, he found himself experiencing an overwhelming sense of urgency. Greedy to touch every inch of her, with his hands, his mouth, his body. Wanting to ensure she was truly there, truly safe. Kathryn had returned his passion until eventually, inevitably, sleep had claimed them.
Chakotay had awakened soon after, still feeling the need to watch over her, he supposed. During their stay on New Earth he had told her the truth under the guise of the story of the "Angry Warrior". He had found peace with her. This coming together, *their* coming together, had taken some time to develop. Now that friendship and loyalty had grown into something more intimate, he realized that he was truly incomplete without her.
One of her hands lay relaxed on his chest. Careful not to disturb her, he lifted it and brought it gently to his mouth, pressing the fingers against his lips for a moment before carefully returning it to its resting place.
He closed his eyes for a moment, just to savor being with her, and suddenly a loud crack of thunder startled them open again. Lightning, or something very like it, flashed overhead. It was the magnetic storm. He realized that although he still held Kathryn in his arms, it was her lifeless body he now held. They were once again on the planet, the wrecked shuttlecraft behind them, a strong wind whirling about them. No. Not this. That wonderful, peaceful scene had all been an illusion, just another illusion. Kathryn's rescue and recovery had all been just a dream. Heart pounding, he lay her on the ground and ran his tricorder over her, knowing what he'd find. No life signs. Nothing.
He began CPR on her once again. Alternately covering her mouth to breathe for her with chest compressions. No response. He tried his communicator again, trying to contact Voyager, but it was silent.
"Kathryn! Kathryn, please! Don't die on me! Kathryn! Don't leave me!" He continued the chest compressions, refusing to believe it was useless. He repeatedly shouted her name, hoping to make contact with any tiny spark of life left in her, begging her to stay with him, to fight. He closed his eyes, feeling the moisture in them, and said a silent prayer for her.
"Chakotay!" He opened his eyes to see a concerned Kathryn leaning over him, her hair forming a curtain around them, and realized he was once again in her quarters, the ship's engine's thrumming beneath them. "It was a dream. Just a dream", she kept repeating as she stroked his cheek, searching his face for signs of comprehension. Silently pulling her close, he buried his face in her hair. "I thought I'd lost you again" he murmured, his voice husky with remembrance.
She pushed herself up on her forearms to look into his face. "Uh uh. Can't get rid of me that easily." Her smile faded when he didn't return it. Sighing softly, she framed his face with her hands and gazed deeply into his eyes as if searching for something. She kissed him sweetly on the mouth, pulling back again to look into his eyes. She then leaned down and kissed him soundly on the chin, smiling at him briefly before moving down to press several incredibly soft, warm kisses against his throat, his shoulder, his chest, and he felt the beginnings of response go through his body in a wave.
"Kathryn..." he began, but she moved up to cover his mouth with hers, interrupting him. "Just trying to reassure you that I'm really here. That *we're* really here" she amended. Justification. He smiled then, and his hold on her tightened.
After a moment he said "Oh, I see. Well, you know, I think I'm going to need a *LOT* of convincing." His smile grew when he felt, as well as heard, her low, husky chuckle somewhere in the vicinity of his ear.
He sighed, once again silently acknowledged the spirits, and turned his head to capture her lips with his.
The End