Kathryn knelt in the hydroponics bay, gazing at the small, perfectly round orbs growing from the greenest vines she'd ever seen. The sight of them constricted her heart tightly. A conversation from long ago came unbidden to her memory, even though she tried desperately to forget the words.
"What do you think I ought to grow?" Chakotay asked as he inspected the grassy floor.
"What do you mean, *you* ought to grow? Don't I get a crack at it?"
He looked at her quizzically. "I just thought...well, I thought that since you never had much of an inkling for the outdoorsy life that you wouldn't be interested in planting a garden..." He trailed off.
She stood up straight and tall, thrusting that chin out to the hilt. "Well, while we're here I have every intention of growing myself a green thumb, Chakotay, and I vote for Talaxian tomatoes. It's the one vegetable Neelix uses in his cooking that I actually enjoy eating." Her grin split her face wide, and she got down on her hands and knees to feel the grass. She sat back on her heels and looked up at him. "Don't you think I can do it?" She expected a wager from him, a teasing comment that would make her even more determined to succeed.
"Kathryn Janeway, I think you could do absolutely anything you set your mind to."
The look on his face and the feeling with which he spoke caught her completely off guard, and she had to look down to keep her expression from withering into tears. Closing her eyes for a moment, she finally spoke again. "Then Talaxian tomatoes it is."
Kathryn's hand reached out to grasp one of the red tomatoes and pulled it from the vine. She brought it to her nose, inhaling, eyes narrowed to slits. An vision of Chakotay biting into a tomato exactly like the one she held caused her to imitate him, and she slid her teeth into the ripened fruit. A burst of flavor came forth, one so filled with imagery and memory it suddenly became too much to bear. She could hardly chew, and the tears she had so long kept buried bubbled up and flowed down her cheeks. Strangled sobs escaped her throat, and the tomato dropped from her hand as she crumpled to the floor of the bay.
Not a moment later, Seven strolled purposefully into the room, as always appearing as if on a mission of the utmost importance. The sight of her captain lying prone on the floor apparently in tears stopped her in her tracks. She hesitated to come forward, not knowing how to tend to one so obviously in need of comforting. A thought crossed her mind, and instantly she turned around and marched out of the hydroponics bay, this time truly on a mission of great importance.
It took only a moment for her to accomplish her task, as the object of her quest was standing a few meters down the hall. She reached out for an arm. "Tom Paris, you must come with me, now."
He smirked and countered, "Really, Seven, you have got to learn a little t-"
"Please, Mr. Paris, there is someone--" She searched for the right words. "Someone who is in need of your assistance."
Paris saw a hint of concern peaking though Seven's normally unemotional state, and he was instantly at the ready. "What is it? Where?" He followed Seven the few meters back to the hydroponics bay, where she turned to him, pausing at the door.
"I did not know who else to ask... I did not know what to do... I am unused to situations requiring--"
"Seven, please, you're scaring me." He pointed at the door of bay. "Is trouble in there?"
She nodded, mute.
He turned back to the door and sailed through it, expecting anything but a sobbing Kathryn Janeway rolled in a tight ball in front of the garden of Talaxian tomatoes. After a moment, his shock subsided; he'd been anticipating this ever since her unexpected explosion in sickbay. She'd managed to avoid the Doctor for an entire week, but it looked like the breaking point they'd all speculated upon had finally come to pass.
Seven remained, frozen in the background.
"Captain..." He touched her gently. "Come here..." He caught her up as best he could in their awkward positions. Her head came to rest against his shoulder, though she did not uncurl herself to embrace him. Tom stroked her back softly, cooing quietly, feeling his own tears reemerge in full force. Somehow her grief made his worse. The knowledge that she felt the loss enough to break down in a place as public as hydroponics drove her sorrows home to him, and he held her tightly.
She was mumbling. He could barely make the words out, they were so garbled by sobs and gasps for breath. "I'm so sorry, so sorry, sorry..." It was a mantra that continued long into the night, as Tom Paris held the fragile shell of a woman that was once so full of life and light.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alpha shift was on the bridge when the anomaly made itself known to the sensors. But it sat unnoticed for a solid two hours before it was finally detected. Kathryn was in her ready room, staring blindly at a report on the struggling dilithium crystals powering the warp core. Tom was gazing out of the viewscreen, daydreaming his shift away as he had been for the past three months. Harry, at Tuvok's former station, was practically asleep on his feet. Tom had been up all night again, and Harry had been the one who'd remained with him for the fourth night in ten days. Seated in the First Officer's chair, Tuvok was reviewing the Doctor's report on the Captain's mental and physical health. The results were far from encouraging.
In engineering, Carey was doing his best to keep things running, but B'Elanna's expertise was almost as sorely missed as her presence. Joe wasn't meant to run engineering, and he knew it. But he was the best they had, and would do everything in his power to make a go of it.
At Harry's old position at Ops, Ensign Sark was messaging his partner, Lieutenant Jordan, on the declining status of the senior staff, when he noticed the blip on his console.
"Ah, detecting an anomaly, intercept approximately...Geez, seven minutes, if I'm reading its speed correctly. Ensign Sark to the Captain!"
"Yes, ensign?"
"Please report to the bridge. I've detected an anomaly, and it appears to be headed directly for us."
Bursting though the ready room doors, Captain Janeway headed for the center of the bridge. "Onscreen."
Tom was the first to speak. "Oh my God."
"Get us out of here, Tom." Janeway tapped her commbadge. "Lieutenant Carey, what's the status of the warp drive? We need full power now!"
A muttered curse was heard over the open channel. "Working on it-" he fumbled with his console. "I can only give you warp seven at the moment, Captain, the engines still aren't back up to--"
"No excuses, Carey. Reroute whatever power you have to, I want full warp capabilities immediately." She spoke to Kim without turning away from the viewscreen, riveted by what looked to be a mass of purplish energy hurtling toward them. "Mister Kim, what the hell is that thing?"
Harry played his console as quickly as possible, trying to understand the readings he was receiving. The thing was moving at the very least warp ten, and the sensor readings were continually fluctuating. For two weeks, nearly all of Voyager's systems were running on empty, and the ship seemed to physically react to the depression thriving on board. "Captain, I--"
Harry was cut off in shock as the entity leapt toward Voyager at an astonishing speed, like a jaguar focusing in on its prey.
Captain Kathryn Janeway and her dedicated crew had only seconds left to live. As she stood on her bridge, watching the strange anomaly speeding toward her only home, she heard but one thing in her mind. A voice was speaking to her from an unknown place, but the significance of the words was not lost on her, even in these last moments. "Sometimes, Kathy, leading with your heart will lead you home."
Then all was dark, and she heard no more.
~*~~*~~*~
"Captain?" Neelix shook her shoulder in a futile attempt to awaken her. "Captain, wake up!" He had discovered Janeway crumpled on the floor of the messhall near the far viewport. Tom and B'Elanna were with him, scrounging for tidbits after a midnight hover ball game. They knelt along side her, with Tom feeling for a pulse. "Should we call the Doctor, Tom?"
"I don't think so, Neelix, I think she's just asleep."
B'Elanna awkwardly shoved Paris out of the way and cradled her Captain's head in her lap. "Captain, please wake up." She looked up at Tom, fear starting to burn out of control in her eyes. "We should call the Doctor!"
Tom gestured toward her face. "Wait a sec', look!" Kathryn was stirring, her eyes fluttering lightly. B'Elanna stroked her hair softly and whispered, "Captain, wake up."
Darkness enveloped Kathryn. Death. She was dead. It didn't feel much different from sleeping, though. She felt like she was lying on a hard floor somewhere, her head pillowed a little too highly for comfort. Uncomfortable sleeping positions had never been something Kathryn considered wondering about before she died. Something was moving her hair around. It felt-- caring. Calming. There was a sound. It resembled the voice of B'Elanna, a voice she hadn't heard in so long. Had she died in the prison? Was she there to bring Kathryn into the afterlife? And what was the voice saying?
"Captain, wake up."
At that, Kathryn's eyes flew open, and she sat straight up out of B'Elanna's embrace. All the breath had left her lungs and she turned to stare ashen faced into the eyes of her old friend. As she struggled to catch her breath, she croaked, "B'Elanna?"
Torres' confusion was as obvious as Janeway's. "Yeah?"
Kathryn again grappled with the word. "B'Elanna?" Her eyes were tearing now, filling with liquid that threatened to spill over.
"You're scaring me, Captain. Yes, it's me."
"Oh, God, " Kathryn wailed, and she seized B'Elanna in a ferocious hug. Sobs wracked her body as she clung to the klingon, and B'Elanna could do nothing but wrap her own arms round Kathryn and wait out the storm. Fear was still apparent in her eyes, but she welcomed the hug from her Captain gladly.
Tom had never seen Janeway make such an outward show of affection for any of the crew, even Chakotay. Now, she was practically squeezing the life out of B'Elanna, a klingon who had once threatened to break her new Captain's neck. Neelix sat nearby, concerned but unwilling to break the silence.
Everything came rushing back to Kathryn as if someone had flipped a switch inside her head. The meeting with Q, him telling her how bad off she was, offering to help her in her time of need. The past three months of depression and loneliness all vanished in an instant. She had returned to the path she had chosen, and B'Elanna was really here, not rotting away in a prison light years away.
The sobs continued, and B'Elanna rocked Kathryn in her arms, trying to soothe away whatever had frightened her. Torres had never believed she had much of a soft side. But Chakotay, Tom, and Captain Janeway were so open and caring with her that she learned to return their love without fear of rejection. In fact, she was still learning.
Kathryn wept on B'Elanna's shoulder, but her sobs were beginning to change, somehow. Tom squinted at her. Was she laughing? Her shoulders shook, and there was a smile showing through the tears. She *was* laughing!
Kathryn finally pulled away from B'Elanna to take her in. Q had given her something she needed, so very much. A glimpse into another life. A life she was ecstatic not to have chosen, and her delight was overflowing. "Oh, B'Elanna, I'm so sorry, " she managed.
"Sorry?" She was still in the dark.
"For ever doubting that I made the right decision bringing you home." Kathryn stroked her cheek for a moment, basking in the presence of her chief engineer. "I was so afraid I had chosen wrongly, let my heart make my decisions for me. But now, I know..." She stopped. A flash of unease crossed her brow. "Chakotay! Where is he?"
Tom answered. "I don't know. In his quarters, I guess."
"But he's here?" Kathryn looked hopeful.
"Yes, Captain, " Neelix chimed in helpfully. "Didn't you see him on the bridge earlier today?"
Janeway laughed again. "Yes, Neelix, I certainly did." Immediately she shot up, momentarily swaying on her feet with dizziness.
Tom was instantly at her side, steadying her. "Are you okay, Captain?"
"Oh yes, Tom, I'm perfect." With that, she bounded from the messhall, her normal stride replaced by what could only be called a gallop.
The three remaining crew members stared out the door after her. B'Elanna was the one who asked the question all three had been thinking. "What the hell was that about?"
Tom turned to her, beaming. "Who cares?"
And they all exploded with laughter, the bright mood continuing long after Kathryn had disappeared.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chakotay's door chimed. He sat on his sofa in the living area of his quarters, attempting to get work done that had been piling up around him. So caught up was he in his Captain's resentment and avoidance that work had fallen by the wayside. After their encounter a few hours ago, he resolved to devote more time to business than skulking about his quarters wondering how to change her mind. After a few moments, he said, "Come in."
He glanced up briefly and identified the slight figure of his commanding officer backlit in the doorway. His room was illuminated by a single lamp on his side table, and the rest of the room was cloaked in darkness. He didn't even acknowledge her presence, instead looking back down at the padd he held in his hand.
Kathryn saw the numb look in Chakotay's eyes even from across the room, but nothing was going to deter her from holding him, touching him, finally voicing the words she'd held so long in check. Slowly she entered and approached him, worshipping him with her eyes. She raked them across his figure; his hands as they gripped the padd, the grey in his hair, the way his brow furrowed in the dim light made her want to cry out. After so many months of never believing she'd see him again, his image was glorious, and the joy of being so close was beginning to break through.
Finally she sat gingerly upon the couch near him. Close enough to touch. Her eyes never left him, so taken by his presence before her. Slowly, afraid he'd disappear, she reached out a trembling hand to touch the drawing on his forehead. He flinched, but kept his eyes glued to his work.
Her fingers followed a long imagined path down his skin, so gently, and her hand cupped his hardened jaw. She could actually *feel* the muscles working beneath his soft, freshly shaven cheek. They were real. He was not imaginary. He wasn't going to disappear. The sob of joy came as a surprise to both of them, and she neatly vaulted into his lap, pushing away the padd he was so focused on to pull him into her arms.
*Wait a minute--* he thought momentarily, then he realized his captain was embracing him like he was a lifeline, her slender arms wrapping about his neck. She shivered, thighs enveloping his hips, and threaded her hands through his hair. Somehow he found his nose plastered to her sternum, and he could feel her breath coming in choked gasps. Her face was buried against the top of his head, and her tiny body was shaking like a leaf. Was she crying?
She *was* crying, but it was more than that. She was bursting with happiness, not caring that she felt no arms embrace her in turn. His life made hers whole, the life she had considered throwing to the four winds just to keep her command in tact. There would be no trades in the future: no giving his life for Starfleet protocol.
Her face glowed as she brought her mouth down to feather lightly against his ear. At last her voice came back to her, tears slurring her words. "Chakotay," she whispered, "I wouldn't trade you...for all the tea in China." She rubbed her face into him, spreading her salty tears along his skin. Dove into the circle of his scent. His neck was warm and wet, and she burrowed her lips against it.
His breath expelled in a gush, and his arms came up around her, crushing her to him. He had his answer, and it was the last one he'd planned to hear from her. He expected a discussion, a small argument at the least, and a final word on the subject superficially resolving their differences. They would go on as before, she resenting him, he despising her and adoring her at the same time. Even in her distance she'd continued to haunt his dreams, her body welcoming him between the cushion of her thighs, arms open, eyes wide with wonder.
Now, she was molded to him, flowing over him smoothly, her movements entrancing him. He pulled back, unable to restrain himself from a glance at her features. Illuminated by the soft glow of the lamp, she was more beautiful than he'd seen her look in months. The indecision and sorrow were erased cleanly from her, and only love poured from the ocean of her eyes. "What happened to you Kathryn?" He peered intently into her face. "What changed you so suddenly?"
She laughed, throwing her head back with gusto. Shaking her head, she answered him with, "Chakotay, it may seem sudden to you, but it took me three months..." She stopped, still shaking her head. "I don't really want to talk much about it at the moment. I just want to be near you." Her hands caressed his skin as her weight settled upon his lap. "I just want to be with you. Okay? For now?" The tears had stopped, but traces remained on her cheeks, and she still shivered slightly.
He smiled. "Yes, but you must promise to tell me. This was...a little...unexpected, I suppose. I don't want to lose you again, Kathryn, and I want you to be certain that you won't pull away from me. I'd survive, but I don't want to live the way things have been since Keltin." He paused, scrutinizing her. "You look --changed. Different."
"I am different, Chakotay. Lots of things are different. I felt things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy." The tears started anew, flowing unfettered down her cheeks, unimaginable pain evident in her gaze. "I saw you, Chakotay, but you were only a memory. I saw--" She cut herself off. She wasn't ready to confess the events of her experience. Dream. Hallucination. Whatever it was, it was real in her mind, and that was the important thing. "I learned that sometimes, leading with my heart will lead me home." Still stroking his cheek deliberately, she leaned forward with eyes open. He followed her, and their lips met in a quiet kiss. He tasted the salt on her mouth and moved his tongue to lick the remaining tears away. Her breath mingled with his and she was perfectly still, as if memorizing the feel of him caressing her so intimately.
"Kathryn."
Her eyes fluttered open.
"I love you."
"I love you too, Chakotay. So much." She leaned back into him and pressed her mouth to the base of his throat, reveling in the taste of his flesh. He gathered her close in his embrace, eyes watering slightly. Emotion welled up in him, and his love seemed to multiply exponentially as she rested in his arms. He grasped his captain tightly in his arms and somehow managed to fit the both of them along the length of the couch. Her garbled murmurs into his collar betrayed her exhaustion to Chakotay, and he stroked her back soothingly, assisting in her quest for sleep. Soon, her breath slowed, and as he drifted off, Chakotay's last thoughts were of a future filled with nights ending exactly like this one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A small hand gripping Chakotay's thigh brought him awake. He stirred, and the hand slid higher, groping considerately. "Hmm," he groaned. A second hand joined the first, and he jerked fully awake in complete confusion.
"Wha-" He focused on the figure atop him, and oddly enough the apparition was formed in the shape of Kathryn Janeway. What was she doing on top of him? Wait a minute, was she grinding against him? Memories of the past evening flooded back in a rush as his blood surged. She was still here. Oh yes, she was definitely still here. "Uhh." He couldn't get a word out of his mouth other than gibberish as she pushed her hands against his hardened length.
Her breath was steady and quick above him as she straddled one thigh. She swallowed, and he watched the muscles in her throat work with effort. Dreaming, he must be. He'd had this dream before, but he couldn't recall ever feeling the pressure of her so firmly atop him. Suddenly she tugged harder, and he swelled beneath her attention. "Kathrynnn." For some reason he couldn't move. A few moments later it he realized it was because his arms were asleep, and she had pinned his legs under her own. His head moved back and forth as he tried to form a coherent sentence. "No, wait a second, please..." She ignored him. "Oh, God, wait, Kath, stop." He finally moved his hands and grasped her wrists. Pulling her arms away from him seemed like a good idea at the time, but it only shifted her weight against him and forced her upper body near his own. Definitely a pleasant sensation, but not one that would allow for much foreplay as far as he was concerned.
Only moments had passed since his awakening, but he was already swollen with desire. Kathryn marveled at the feel of him and lowered her face to meet his in a desperate kiss. Her tongue flicked out mercilessly as he fought to bring himself under control. He joined it with his own and slid inside her mouth effortlessly. Hands smoothed down the length of her arms and found her breasts still encumbered by her turtleneck. Time to get rid of it, and everything else. He grasped the tunic by the neckline and pulled forward. *All hail the inventor of velcro,* he thought. It fell away instantly to reveal a lace trimmed white bra that was only inches away from his face. Planes of alabaster skin shimmered in the half-light of his quarters. Not much chance of slow going the first time.
She smiled. Leered, more like it.
No chance of slow going. At all.
A flurry of Starfleet uniforms was quickly shed by the pair in an effort to speed their joining. Not the most romantic thing in the world to rip off a pair of trousers and get them stuck on the way down, but it was the most immediate way of reaching their goal. She considered pouncing on him as soon as the uniform was off, but changed her mind and left her underwear to entice and encourage. It worked. She stood before him, nearly bare, and goosebumps rose as he nuzzled her navel. Hands slid beneath her briefs and pulled slowly. Her senses were on overload, and every inch of her seemed hyper-aware. His breath was hot on her flesh. Was her skin steaming? "Yes..." she breathed as him mouth followed a southern journey down her belly, further..."Ahh!"
He'd found his goal, and she bucked against him powerfully. His arms came around her bottom to hold her up. From the effect only a small taste of her was having on her body, she wouldn't last long.
She didn't.
Standing before her half naked first officer, Captain Kathryn Janeway allowed her second in command to taste her deeply, writhing against his luscious mouth and groaning almost continuously. She was burning head to toe and her fingertips were tingling madly. As his hands kneaded her rear seductively, he continued to plunge his tongue further into her depth. "Just a... mmm...Oh!" She pushed against his mouth wildly and he felt her muscles contract for long moments as he kept up his assault. She came violently and loudly, moaning incoherently, plummeting endlessly into the pool of fire he'd created just for her.
Her legs gave way when it was over, and he caught her limp form gracefully. Settling her along the length of the couch, his eyes raked over her figure with undisguised lust. After a minute of silence to let her get her bearings, he spoke his first full sentence of the day. "That bra has got to go."
Her eyes opened, and he recognized the leer that was already becoming familiar. "Well, then, get rid of it." No help from her corner.
He lunged for her and yanked at the thing. He ended up ripping the front clasp entirely off as she giggled beneath him. "You could have helped!" he cried.
"You'll just have to replicate me a new one, I guess."
"I don't think so. I prefer you without it." He was true to his word, burying his mouth on each breast, dragging his teeth over her nipples, drawing more throaty sounds from her. He could get used to those sounds. He wanted to hear them every day and night for the rest of his life. However, at the moment other matters seemed to take precedence over the rest of his life, namely, the painfully hard erection grinding between her thighs. Her hands tugged at his boxers and forced them down his legs, and somehow he found the willpower to tear himself away from her long enough to pull them all the way off. Immediately he was hovering over her again, gazing into a reflection of her spirit as she lay beneath him.
Her hands grasped him gently, and she murmured a quiet plea. "Please, Chakotay." Languidly he sank into her to the hilt on the first stroke and was amazed at the warm tightness taking him in. She was already so relaxed that there was almost no pain for her, even after four years of abstinence. Any discomfort she might have felt initially was gone the moment he began to slide. "Uugh." How had she lived without him inside her for so long? And what happened to her ability to speak? He felt like he belonged right here, inside her, around her, taking up residence inside her body and soul. He thrust easily, moving out and filling her again and again. Control was apparently one of his stronger suits. She was going to have to see what she could do to break it.
Kathryn pulled his head close, observing the perspiration on his brow, feeling the sweat-slicked back under her roving hands. "More," she hissed. He thrust harder. "More," she whispered again, bucking up against him, encouraging him to lose himself. Something was crackling behind his eyes, the desperate rein he held was beginning to fracture at warp speed. "More." Chakotay's rhythm broke, finally, and she could feel the pressure build inside her as well. The wildness in his eyes was overwhelming and she felt like the most enticing woman who'd ever walked the face of the earth. *She* was the one who did this to him. Four years they had waited. Thank the gods the wait was over. "More..."
A growl burst forth and suddenly he rammed into her at a frenzied pace. Her legs wrapped around him to keep herself anchored as he drove her to the point of insanity and beyond. As he reached the precipice, her world dissolved around her, blinding her as he roared his release from above.
Floating. She was floating, but somehow still inside her body. Her ears were ringing. She knew if she tried to stand up she'd fall over. This...this was going to be a hard act to follow. What a way to start your day, she thought, as she smiled and drifted away into oblivion.
Chakotay came back to himself just as her lips curved up into a precious smile. What an expression she wore. Sated. He didn't think he'd ever seen a more beautiful example of that word than the sight of his thoroughly ravished Captain cradling his body exquisitely.
He turned their bodies carefully, pulling out of her in the process, and he felt the warm stickiness trickle over his legs. Oh well. He'd just have to clean the couch tomorrow. Pulling a blanket from the seat of the sofa, he wrapped Kathryn with it and himself, and together they dreamlessly slept through the darkness.