Hillary Clinton goes to heaven and St. Peter is showing her around and she spot's all these clocks all going at different speeds. She says to Peter, "What are all the clocks for and why are they going at different speed's?" Peter replies, "They are for everyone on earth and every time they commit an illegal act the hands move." So she asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock." "God's is using it for a fan." Return to top
Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy."
Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy."
Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, "I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy." Return to top
A little boy wanted $100 so badly that he prayed for two weeks. But nothing happened; so he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA", hey decided to send it to President Clinton. Bill was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill.
The little boy was delighted with the $5, and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read; "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had it sent through Washington, DC, and as usual, those guys deducted $95." Return to top
One day President Clinton was visiting Queen Elizabeth and she decided to take him for a tour of London in the Royal Carriage. Now the carriage was being pulled by six Royal Stallions and one of them suddenly passed gas. It sounded like a twenty one gun salute it was so loud. The smell permeated the inside of the carriage and the Queen was totally devastated.
"I apologize profusely for the terrible smell inside the carriage", she said.
"Oh, that's alright", said the President, for a minute there I thought it was the horse. Return to top
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money." Return to top
Q: What's the difference between the Titanic and President Clinton? A: With the Titanic, we know how many people went down. Return to top
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising
along a
country road one evening when a pig ran in front
of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't.
The pig was killed.
The President told his driver to go up to the
farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later the driver staggers back to the
car with his clothes in total disarray. He was
holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in
the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked the President.
"Well," the driver replied "the Farmer gave me the
wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter was really nice
with me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked the
President.
The driver replied:
"I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the
pig."
Five
surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The
first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The
second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside
them is color coded."
The
third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything
inside them is in alphabetical order."
The
fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when
the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable." Return to top
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