4/12/00
Some day I'm going to figure all this shit out but for now, it just confuses the hell out of me. I spent hours last night on my piece of shit computer (the one at home that I still owe about two grand on because I bought it on credit almost four years ago like an idiot) trying to edit these pages but I kept running into problems so I thought, hey, maybe it's because I'm using a really old version of AOL (whom I also hate) so I decided to try to download Netscape. Which was a total fucking nightmare. Long story short, I got up this morning to find it was 98% downloaded and I was out of disk space. So I tried to delete some other shit (who knows what, probably something important) and then run AOL again to finish downloading, and I got what we secretaries call THE BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH--that "fatal attraction" error or whatever the hell it is. Fuck, fuck, fuck. (Pardon my gratuitous use of the "f" word, this morning I feel entitled.)
So I think today I'm going to call someone about possibly leasing a new computer, even though I can't afford it. I can see where this is going to go. I'll become one of those reclusive freaks who spends every free moment in front of the computer. I'll lose my job and quit school because they get in the way of my internet time. Meghan will move out. My dogs and cats will leave because they're hungry and I can't feed them because my new super-speed modem doesn't allow me any breaks. I'll quit showering and start wearing hooded sweatshirts and sending pieces of this page to local newspapers. Then I'll move to Montana.
Maybe I should just stick with updating these pages at work. Of course, that runs the risk of my being fired for personal use of the computer, but I've been doing it as long as I've worked here, so fuck it. I'm only here for another year or so, anyway, assuming I graduate, and assuming I get into law school.
I say "assuming" because I think I am at serious risk of failing my computer science class. (Go figure, I don't know HTML from HGTV.) A lot of the problem is that I haven't been to class more than once since the first night. I just couldn't go. I suppose I could go to the instructor and beg for mercy, but what would I say? "Excuse me, you probably don't recognize me. That's because I haven't been coming to your class. Like, ever. See, I'm being treated for major depression and post traumatic stress disorder, and I just haven't been able to function, and the drugs they have me on don't work worth a damn, so, could I like, make up the three tests I've missed?" Yeah, I think that would go over well. I think I'd rather just fail the class. At this point, I'm not at much risk of dropping my GPA that far, and I really don't think it's going to be that traumatic an event in the long run. I have way more important shit on my mind than "consider how computers fit in to the Human Genome Project." I could really give a shit less.
But I am feeling better today than yesterday. Yesterday was pretty dismal. Today is closer to baseline. I think it's because I didn't have the nightmares last night. Freaky fucking dreams, but I didn't know anyone in them, and they were more like action flicks than dreams. I think I've seen those damn GAP commercials too many times.
So Meghan just called to tell me that her mother is taking the day off work to drive to Princess's dorm to spend the day with her because her boyfriend dumped her at 2:00 this morning. We tried to tell her he was gay. I still think it's no wonder Princess is so damn dizzy, what with the world revolving around her and all. Maybe I should send her a sympathy card. Or some dead flowers. The over-privileged make me nauseous.
Another conclusion I've come to is that I really, really, really hate my job. It makes that whole cabin-in-Montana thing look really attractive. Meghan actually bought me a Magic 8-ball so I'll have something to keep me from yelling at people when they ask me something ignorant. I'm supposed to say, "hold on, I have to consult with my advisor," then shake the ball and give them an answer. It won't be long before they really, truly lock me away. Truth is, I'm looking forward to the break.
More later...
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