4/13/00 (later)
I'm now at school and just awestruck at the speed and agility of the computers at the university. Of course, I'm buying the damn things, so it's only fair that I should be able to use them.
I'm feeling particularly chatty today. Don't know why. I can't believe I'm actually here. I've had a real problem this semester with getting to class. Well, I have that problem every semester, but this one has been particularly bad. It's like, I get home from work and change clothes (be damned if I'm wearing pantyhose to class) and I get this awful nauseous feeling, then I get really nervous. And like today, I'm driving here and like, every freak with a car is out driving, and they of course all stare at me. (I'm not being paranoid today, they really were all staring at me--it just totally fueled my paranoia.) And I get to the parking lot, and it's like, oh, God, why am I doing this, and it's like Godzilla or something is hiding in the building, just waiting to eat me up when I walk in the door. What the fuck is wrong with me? I sound like a damn lunatic.
At any rate, I'm here, and I haven't run screaming from the building yet. And yes, I have actually done a small bit of studying. Very small. God, anti-trust laws and internet patent rights and free speech and all that shit just doesn't excite me very much because it just raises my blood pressure. Free speech? It doesn't exist. And don't go e-mailing me nasty-grams about "if free speech didn't exist, bitch, you couldn't put your shitty web page out there for the world to see." Yeah, whatever. I'm talking about real free speech. You can talk about a hell of a lot in this country, but not about what really matters. Or if you CAN talk about it, you can bet your ass no one will listen. Take, for example, my poor sweet Meghan. It just so happens that one of her bitch foster parents is a raging scam artist who takes in as many kids as she can, forcibly gets them "upgraded" to "behavior problem" status so she gets more money, then treats them like absolute shit and lies about it. Then she falsifies documents so she gets double pay from the state by "enrolling" her foster kids in her very own home-based daycare. What the FUCK EVER! And there's not a damn thing anyone will do about her because THERE AREN'T ENOUGH FOSTER PARENTS IN THE STATE FOR ALL THE KIDS THAT NEED THEM. Well, there might be, if the state would let the queers be foster parents. Oh, but the queers are EVIL. Let's see--who would be a more stable provider for a fucked-up kid? The foster bitch in question, who lies and cheats and didn't graduate from high school and tells kids they're "abnormal" and won't drive them to school and won't buy them shoes and school supplies with the money the state gives her for their care? Or Meghan and I, who are educated, clean, actually give a shit about the kids, etc.? Oh, truth be told, there are thousands of reasons why we, personally, shouldn't have children (we're selfish and evil, for one), but what about all the other perfectly wonderful people out there who just happen to be gay? It's totally fucked up, I tell you. Okay, I'm removing myself from my pedestal now.
I really don't want to be here. I want to go home and turn on the t.v. and stare at it until bedtime. I just have this awful feeling of unrest or something. I seriously don't know what's wrong with me. It's almost like the anxiety is coming back. Jesus, I don't need that shit right now. I can't wait to see Dr. Gimmepills again and give him a piece of my mind. I think I was better off when I just drank myself to mental health.
My sister's 23rd birthday is tomorrow. Damn. I forgot to get her a card or something. But I did invite her to my house for a barbecue/beer-fest next weekend. That should count for something. She's supposed to bring the other sister with her, but seems to think that jerk-off boyfriend won't "let" her come down. "Let" her? I have to say, I never thought that particular sister would be the one to get into that kind of relationship. Well, on the outside. When you think about it, and you know what kind of person she is, it actually makes sense. She's overweight and incredibly mean, but she's also hyper-sensitive. And all this dumbass has to do is tell her she's pretty and that he loves her, and she falls right into his little trap. Fucker. The birthday sister and I are going to have a long chat about how we can make him get lost. Ultimately, of course, it's not up to us--and that's what sucks.
I'm so glad tomorrow's Friday. Although I'm not sure just why. We don't have any plans for the weekend other than me doing homework. I really need something to look forward to in life. I used to have theatre, and music, but those got sideswiped by school. I just don't have time to do what I really WANT any more. Being an adult is for the birds.
"This was not pre-planned, but after some calls, I decided to go to the other side of the world..."
Next Entry
Previous Entry