4/20/00

Well, to answer my own inquiry, happiness didn't last.  The whole day went straight downhill after about noon.  It started with the obligatory "after tax day" luncheon--I love spending my lunch hour eating substandard Italian food with a bunch of tax lawyers that barely know I exist.  Then the afternoon just dragged.  I was so full of substandard Italian food (because even though it sucked, I was starving) that I felt really heavy and sluggish all afternoon.  Plus that starch overload had me ready for a long nap.  So I eked out the remainder of the day, then went home, where my foul mood did not improve.  Particularly not after Meghan noticed her bike was missing, and that the bastard who stole it left a shitty bike and her helmet in the next yard.  Fuckers.  I will never understand that shit.  I mean, if something doesn't belong to you, DON'T FUCK WITH IT, ALL RIGHT?  How hard can that be to figure out?  Don't parents teach their kids not to steal anymore?  Of course, not too far from my neighborhood is the neighborhood where parents actually DO teach their children to steal, because mommy's a crack whore and daddy--well, let's just say we've narrowed it down to a couple of inmates and a crew leader at McDonald's.  It just pisses me off.  Because the person you're stealing from may have saved their money for a very long time to buy what it is you're stealing.  That person may not have a hell of a lot more than you do.  That person may not have been born to rich suburbanites, but may have clawed and scratched like hell just to attain "middle class" status.  So keep your fucking hands off my shit, dammit. 

Jeez--I hate it when I get lost in my ranting.  What was I talking about?  Oh, yes, Meghan's bike was lifted.  So she took the shitty bike, which needs a brake and a kickstand and a new seat and some WD-40.  I'll probably buy her a new bike for our "anniversary" in June.  Or I could wait for her birthday (late summer) because who the hell rides a bike in June?  But yes, I will buy her a new bike.  Because she deserves one.

So we walked the dogs after dinner, and I swear, I don't know what to do with Martha.  That dog is a hurricane on a leash.  Noodle and George both responded very well to a good hard yank on the harness, but Martha, well, you may as well be yanking and screaming at the air.  Every time she sees another dog, she goes nuts.  Yesterday I ended up on my ass on the street because she took off for a dog behind a fence.  I'm strongly considering getting her one of those head harnesses, but I'm afraid I'll yank her and break her neck!  I'm also having a very hard time keeping George in the yard.  He squeezes out between the slats in the fence, and once he's out, there's no getting him to stop running.  He's very nearly been flattened by several cars in the last few weeks.  I think I'm just going to lock them all up until I can properly tranquilize them.

I went to J&P's last night to get my back cracked.  God, he's good.  I got there just as a storm was hitting, and thankfully, it was over by the time I left.  I'm walking back to my house and I call out to him, "you're amazing, thank you so much," and then as an afterthought, "you've been dying to hear me say that, haven't you?"  I think J was in trouble with P--she's kind of a shrew.  Runs a very tight ship.  I don't know how he stands it, but I guess when you're in love, you can put up with a lot of horse manure.

So tonight I have to attempt to pass--and pass well--another test.  God, will this torment ever cease?  It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't feel like such a hopeless cause.

I'm feeling better today.  Not quite as chipper as I was yesterday morning, but not as bitchy as I was last night.  Just...even.  Which is a good thing.  I think I've finally realized that all I can do to make myself sane is...learn to live with it.  There's no insurmountable task involved in "getting past" something awful, it's just a matter of DEALING with it.  Accepting it.  And adequately expressing all the shit going through your head.  (Especially the shit you didn't know was there.)  It's quite a learning process.  But I've learned a lot about myself in the last 3 months, some good, some bad.  It's all been enormously helpful in quieting the noise in my brain.

I just can't help but wonder sometimes, though, if I'm moving forward or just moving to the side, you know?  Like, am I finally going to be mentally stable, like, for good?  Or am I going to be yo-yo-dieting with my head?  Sane, crazy, sane, crazy.  "I got happy, but then I lost 15 pounds of happy, then I gained another pound of happy, then I lost 2 pounds..."  I still have a very hard time picturing myself in the future.  It's getting easier, though.  A few months ago, I couldn't envision myself living beyond 35.  Now I'm getting there, I think.  And that's a bit refreshing.

I have to figure out what I'm going to take next semester.  Shit, I'm not even sure what I'm taking this semester.  And it's almost over.

I have a lot to do in the next couple of weeks.  Pray for strength...

I've been dilly-dallying in other people's web sites (really just trying to see if mine is as awful as I think it is) and I found one today that just floored me.  It's a forum for survivors of sexual abuse and even though I felt a bit out of place (considering I'm not related to the guy who raped me and my issues with my family are about abuse on a totally different level), it was SO INCREDIBLE to read postings from people who have been through or are going through very similar "recoveries."  (I hate that word, "recovery," by the way, because it seems like "recovery" in the 12-step sense doesn't actually involve ever recovering but just trading one addiction/life sucking obsession for another.  Of course, that could just be an unfair opinion based on the people I've actually known who claim to be "in recovery.")  There was this one free verse-type poem in one posting that just brought tears to my eyes.  It completely chronicled every range of thought and emotion I've been dealing with for so many years, right there in black and white.  And it was like, OH MY GOD, I'm not the only one out there...which either means there are a whole lot of nuts out there or I'M NOT CRAZY AFTER ALL.  It was all there--from hating shrinks to feeling like you're getting no where to having so much trouble just getting through a day.  And I was like, holy shit, they've invaded my brain and sucked out all my thoughts!  I almost laughed out loud, it was such an incredible feeling.  If anyone from that forum is reading this, thanks a million--you've all made my day.  Like, totally.  (Valley Girl relapse!  Sorry!)