4/26/00 (cont'd)
Before I start sounding really shallow, trust me, if Megan were to leave, who gets what would be the furthest thing from my mind (well, initially, I'd probably think about it later). Not that I have any fear of that happening, at least, not unless I fuck up big time.
And what would I do? Go screw somebody? Yeah, like who? Let's see...I could go pick someone up at a bar. Yippee! Just what I always wanted to do! NOT. Go on a major drinking spree? Only if I plan on taking some serious time off work to nurse hangovers. Revisit my hippie pot-smoking days? Sure, I'd love to gain 50 pounds. It really sucks when you become too fucking old to cater to your restless, neurotic whims. Maybe that's why I'm crazy...
I think I had a dream about S last night (the high school best friend that I was in love with and lost my virginity to her boyfriend? yeah, that's her!). I don't remember much but I do dream about her now and then. I think because I'm still really pissed that she doesn't speak to me any more. How many times can you fucking apologize for something that happened 12 years ago? And gee, she certainly seemed to find it in her heart to forgive him--considering she married the bastard. Straight girls are wierd. If a guy cheats on you, it has nothing to do with him, per se...it's always that slut bitch's fault. What the fuck ever...
God, I can't even think straight right now. Mental list time. Tomorrow is Thursday, I'm meeting Boss Lady for cocktails after work (and skipping class--fuck it, I'm failing!). Friday I have class after work. Saturday I have class. Saturday night Megan and I are going to see some jazz pianist play at the Folly. Sunday class. Then the Lobster & Lowenbrau party at the park. Then the fucking weekend's over, and I have two days left to write the stupid ass FUCKING PAPER I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING NOW. AARRRRGGGH! I need NyQuil. Or gin. Yeah, a big bottle of gin...
I was thinking about The Asshole today (yes, he crept into my musings while I was at work--shithead, stay out of my brain!) and I decided, I'm through being his bitch. I'm through letting him or his presence or his memory or whatever run my life the way it has for YEARS. And boy, was that liberating. It was like, really truly coming to the realization that the past is in the past. And for the first time ever, it really felt like it was. I'm sure that probably makes no sense at all, unless you happen to be one of the unfortunately-not-so-few who has had to go to bed every night and wake up every morning and live every minute of your life with this...shadow hanging over you, this "thing" that won't go away, this memory that haunts and haunts and haunts you until you think you're going to just bash your head against a wall to make it go away.
"I will not be a pawn for the prince of darkness any longer..."
Back to the "dangerous" thing--it's like, as wanton and horrible as this sounds, I want to just screw somebody, male, female, undecided, it doesn't matter. Just to have one wild hot passionate completely physical encounter with no emotional strings attached. Is that even possible? I used to think it was, but now I'm not so sure. There are always strings attached, they just may not necessarily be attached to the person you're screwing. Or the person you're screwing over, if that be the case.
"I can still hear you saying we would never break the chain..."
"Why can't you tell me what's going on, why can't you tell me who's on the phone? Don't say that you love me, just tell me that you want me...real savage like..."
But again, I think it all boils down to me being nutty. I start becoming unsure of myself, unsure of my own worth as a person, and I end up looking for affirmation in all the wrong places. Maybe I just need to go sing. At the right bar, I can even end up making some cash for it--so long as I have one carefully-placed "plant" somewhere with a dollar bill. I was checking out someone else's page who happens to be an opera officionado--and a voice student. (Sigh...) I'd love to be able to sing that way. As it is, I sound like a conglomerate of Bette Midler, Janis Joplin, Bea Arthur, and Bonnie Raitt. (It's kind of fun, though--I did "Natural Woman" at a karaoke bar one night, and all these black girls were like, "ooh, look at the little white girl, she thinks she's gonna sing Aretha," and then I totally nailed it and freaked them out. One of them actually bowed to me when I came back to the table. People who talk to me on the phone before meeting me in person always say "I expected you to be...bigger.")
"Now you tell me that I'm crazy...it's nothing that I didn't know..."
I need a diversion. Big time. I just don't know what. This is certainly a diversion, and I believe a good outlet for my frustrations and neuroses, but I worry that I'm going to turn into "freaky web chick." And I hate the sneaky factor. I'd love to let Megan in on this, but that would just be damned foolish. Instead of asking me "how was your day," she'd just go get on-line and read about it. Eeeeww. No one should know that much about their spousal equivalent! It's sick and wrong!
Okay, I have to go do something now. I'm going to actually try to do some research (yeah, right, I'm going to surf) before I go home...
I really wish S wasn't such an unforgiving soul. I really miss having her as a best friend. I really miss her, period.
"Did she make you cry, make you break down, shatter your illusions of love? Is it over now, do you know how to pick up the pieces and go home?"
Okay, I think I may have some idea...surfing all these sites and seeing all these cute young things, and you're all out there living your lives, and I used to have a life, too...granted it wasn't a very happy one, but it was a life. What I have now feels more like going through the motions and waiting around to die. And it sucks. Maybe I'm just in a fog or something. And it's not Megan, I love her with everything I possibly have, but the girl just has no passion. She thinks she does, but it's not passion, it's fleeting fancy, and then she gets bored. Damn, I wish I hadn't been born a scorpio...
"I turned around and the water was closing in all around me, like a glove, like the love that had finally found me..."
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