55/5/00
"Sometimes I feel like I'm in a foreign land and there's a mirror I'm looking through, lost in the place where I was born without a hand to hold on to..."
I'm feeling horribly melancholy today. I don't know why. Maybe because summer has begun its onslaught and, as much as I love the season (my absolute favorite), I can't help but get moody with every season change. Yet another reason why I should move to Florida.
Well, I took the comp science finals last night, and they SUCKED. Oh, man, did they suck. I'm hoping for extra credit for the catty comments I left in the margins. (Like next to the question "name two computer programming languages, I listed "1. Java; 2. C, C+, C++, COBOL--do I get extra credit for remembering those?") Oh well, no sense in sweating it now. The semester is nearly officially over. All I have to do is write the paper for the movie-watching criminal justice class (which Megan has already collected the research for, God love her) and that's IT. Rather, that's it until June 17, when summer school starts. (I'm only taking two classes--one meets only on 4 Saturdays, and the other is only twice a week, 2 hours, for 5 weeks, and I'll miss at least 2 sessions because I'll be in Pensacola. Bummer. So summer shouldn't be so bad, actually.)
Martha's new medievil torture device came in the mail yesterday. This thing looks like some kind of S&M contraption. It starts out like a regular harness, then it has this rope thing that hooks to the leash and these straps that go around the dog's front legs...bizarro, man. And she had a shit fit when I put it on her, jumping and flailing like a wild horse. Once she figured out that she wasn't getting out of it, however, I was able to walk her with it, and once she figured out that the more she pulled, the less she was able to move, she just gave up and walked like a normal dog. It was beautiful, and I have to admit that after spending night after night of her trying to kill me just to run after a maverick squirrel, I enjoyed a cruel laugh watching her try to run. Okay, now, don't sic PETA after me, it's not a pain-inducing device--rather than hurt the dog, it just restricts their movement. Much nicer, in my opinion, than those awful choke/pinch collars. I refuse to use those fucking things. When Megan and I had Noodle and George in obedience classes last summer, the Nazi German lady who taught the class (complete with her German Shepherds who only knew German commands, one of which I'm sure was an instruction to maim and/or kill) was all over me to put a choke collar on George. I said no fucking way. And he did just fine on a harness. She also wanted me to spray Binaca in his face whenever he barked or snarled or lunged at another dog. I tried it a couple of times and realized it was just a ridiculous idea. I think her whole damn class was a pretty ridiculous idea, come to think of it. I just wanted to teach my dogs "sit" and "stay" and "come," not how to do "quarter turns" (which is literally turning 90 degrees) and I could really give a shit less what side of me my dog walks on. Suffice to say, after about 3 weeks, Noodle and George became obedience school flunkies.
We are going to see RENT tonight. I am so excited. I love that show (it's not my favorite but it ranks up there). I just know it's going to leave me horribly nostalgic for my theatre days, though.
Sometimes I really wonder if I should forget about law school and just do what I want to do. Megan will have her masters in a year...I'm sure when she's a high-rolling therapist she would be more than able to support me as I embark on my acting/singing career. But then how do I justify the $30,000 in student loans I've racked up for a lousy bachelor's degree? Or could I just be happy as one of those over-educated and under-employed types, spouting Latin phrases while pouring coffee for a customer? I mean, in the last month, I have seriously considered answering that "help wanted" sign at the coffee shop. I want to make capuccino and lattes. I want to make conversation with freakish high school kids who aren't cool enough to get fake IDs. I want to sleep late, spend the day doing house chores and Martha Stewart-ish things, then spend a few hours a night saying "would you like whipped cream on that?" and then go home and do it all over again. My God, what am I doing here?
Then I think about BACK IN THE DAY when I was a young hip 20-ish chick who wore a lot of black and had a cool apartment. I lived that dream, sort of. I mean, I had jobs that would have enabled me to have a life--that is, had I actually made enough money to live. That, my friends, was the downer. I was so worried about how I was going to pay the rent/ pay the phone bill/ eat that I didn't have enough time left over to actually enjoy myself. Not to mention that I was crazy as hell at that point in my life. Now that I think about it, those are excellent reasons why my job situation of that time was no desirable...
So does that mean that things could be different now? I mean, I'm older, I'm smarter, I'm wiser, I'm not single, I'm not AS crazy...and I'm also a hell of a lot further in debt. I need at least $1200 a month clear to make my half of the bills and the house payment and be able to spend about $60 a month on gas and groceries. That would mean I'd have to work 40 hours a week making $10.63 an hour, or 20 hours a week at nearly $22 an hour. I don't think I'm going to find a coffee shop that pays that well. Maybe I should just stick it out for the next year and realize that, compared to the life I'm living now, law school is going to be damn similar to working part time and going to school full-time. And it's the only way I'm going to be able to afford to pay for the lifestyle I lived when I was poor and had credit cards. If you are young and fresh and contemplating getting your very own credit card, take my advice--DON'T DO IT! CREDIT CARDS ARE OF THE DEVIL! Just had to get that off my chest. (Seriously, I am about $10,000 in the hole in credit cards, plus I still owe about $3,000 on my car, plus we have 2 mortgages, plus we owe about $5,000 on our brand new heating/central air system. Don't ever grow up, it just isn't worth it.)
"And there are people who roam the docklands and there are ships passing through the night, and there are thousands of things that I have dreamed, gone in the daylight..."
Maybe I should just quit bitching. After all, this is the life I wanted, right? Right?
Even I can't answer that one right now.
"...such a hard life...she could look a challenge right between the eyes...disappointment would become her middle name...up against the wall, Jane..."
I wonder if anyone even reads these musings of mine. I'm sure someone will, long after I'm famous...
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