5/12/00
Last night was quite freakish. Went to bed around 10:45ish, woke up at 11:30ish because the sirens were going off outside. I had the windows closed and the air on so they didn't really wake me up until they were almost off. The dogs didn't even wake up, which is unusual because they bark if a squirrel farts across the street. Megan woke up about the same time I did, and said "aren't those the tornado sirens?" and I said, "yeah, but it's probably just a test. They do it all the time, to make sure they wake people up." (O that we could all be so logic-minded in the throes of sleep.) So we ignored it and went back to sleep. Then around 3:15, I woke up absolutely sure that I had heard noises and from the sound of them, someone was in the house. I mean, I was dead sure. I could hear drawers opening and closing, and rustling of papers, and footsteps on the basement stairs. And I came closer than I ever have to literally shitting the bed. Because it wouldn't really take a genius to break into our house--apparently, security systems aren't worth a shit when you think to cut the phone line--so a simple snip snip, bust open the glass in the side door, or open the kitchen window (if I haven't locked it) and come on in. And our neighborhood association president told us last week that there have been several break-ins in the hood, most while people were home. So there I am, in bed, crapping myself, and George stretches out in his spot on the floor in front of the door and his leg moving looked JUST LIKE a shadow on the other side of the door. Holy shit. So I'm thinking, okay, if I wake Megan, she'll just make ME go see what's up, because she's a total puss when it comes to things that go "bump" in the night. The phone won't help if the line's been cut, and my cell phone is in my purse in the dining room where THE INTRUDER most likely is, and the dogs--Noodle loves men, and two runt yappers aren't going to be much of a match for anyone, particularly not if THEY HAVE A GUN. So I spent the next half hour convincing myself that I was on drugs, the house was empty, and then around 4:00, finally got up to investigate. No sign of forced entry. Nothing out of place. No broken glass. But just to be safe, I took a big rubber mallet and my cell phone back to bed with me.
Then this morning I find out that there really was a tornado, it wiped out a couple of car dealerships up north.
And I'm realizing that I recently bought two pieces of furniture at two estate sales. Fuck. (Yes, I believe in ghosts, not in the Amityville sense but more in the "restless spirit" sense. I have actually lived in a house with a ghost, and don't bother calling the nut house, they already know I'm loose.)
And today I'm feeling incredibly, horribly, terribly restless. I want to do something. I want to go somewhere. I want to quit my fucking job and work at Quik Trip ringing up gas and Squarts and asking for ID for cigarettes from everyone just to piss people off. And, believe it or not, make more doing so than I currently make. Bend me over and call me stupid...
But I think I have, in spite of my desires, decided to stay put job-wise. I mean, when it comes right down to it, I don't do shit. I spend most of the day fucking around on the internet, except for those occasions when we actually file a motion or schedule interviews or some other shit. And no one really bothers me much, I just hide out in my little beef fattening pen and do my own thing until 5:00. And now that administration knows I'm psycho, I've actually been bothered less. HA! So I probably shouldn't fuck with a good thing. I can stand it for at least another year. And if it happens that they decide to move me to another desk, or give me another boss, or just fire me, I'll temp until I start law school. It's doable. Slow torturous brain death, but doable.
I had a dream last night that Megan and I were going to Mexico again (I love Cozumel, that was the most fascinating trip of my sad pathetic life) and we were flying to Dallas from KCI on this little plane that looked a lot like those inflatable "bananas" you see people pulling behind boats. And the thing was, you rode on the outside of the plane until after take off, at which time you had to climb into the plane while you're 30,000 feet in the air. Uh, fuck YOU very much...and I was, of course, scared to death because I'm afraid of heights. (I'm short, you know.) And I was taking George with us. Then I realized that I couldn't take George because you can't take animals into a foreign country. So I had to run out and catch my mom, who had driven us to the airport, and ask her to watch George while we were gone, but it was okay because Megan had gotten stuck in some tunnel thing and the airport people were having to call someone to cut her out, so the plane wasn't going to be leaving any time soon. So after I saw George off with my mom, I drove Megan's car (which came from where?) to some little dirty grocery store to buy gum, and there was no place to park, so I just kind of shut the car off and left it in the middle of the parking lot and went in, and when I came out, the car had been moved and was totally wrecked, and I couldn't get in because the doors were jammed, so I went through the window and it wouldn't start. And I thought, oh, man, Megan's going to be PISSED, and these two chicks come up to the car and start bitching about how I'm going to have to reimburse them for the damage they sufferred when they rammed into my car to move it. So I give them my credit card number and say "look, I gotta get to the airport." I don't think I ever did get back before I woke up.
That's a really common theme in my dreams--besides being just plain freaky. I'm always trying to get somewhere or find someone or do something and all these extenuating circumstances are preventing me from doing so. Pretty fucking metaphoric, wouldn't you say? My whole life has been a damned decathlon.
I need to do something crazy. I've got that feeling again. Perhaps I should approach the subject in therapy, but I kind of don't want to. This portion of my psyche, I kind of enjoy it, even if it does have the potential to totally fuck up my life.
"I could turn you inside out...what I choose not to do...given the choice, given the heart, given the tool, given the word, given the cheers...I believe in watching you..."
"I fell asleep and read just about every paragraph...Somewhere near the end it said 'you can't do this', I said 'I can too'...reason had harnessed the tame...holding the sky in their arms...gravity pulls me down..."
(.More)
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